Driving back to the House I thought tonight wasn't going to end. I mean, lots of shifts are long. Plenty of nights I just want go home, grab a beer and turn up the TV. Turn it up loud so maybe for a while it will all just... stop. Some nights it even works.

But tonight ain't one of them. Tonight I could've drown myself in the shower and I'd be no more successful at making all the voices and questions and doubts in my head shut up. So here I sit, beer in hand, TV showing some stupid talk show even I can't believe. Not like there's ever anything worth watching on at this hour anyway, it's just noise.

Besides, the ceiling is far more entertaining. Or maybe I'm full of shit. No new surprises there. Tonight had its share of 'em, though.

Yokas is the stable one. At least, compared to me she is, but that's probably not saying much. Hell, she's partnered with me for years. To hear everyone talk she has the patience of a saint. They're probably right; even I get sick of my bullshit some days.

That's not to say I haven't ruffled her feathers a time or two. Feathers... damn, I forgot all about that stupid costume. Can't help but wonder if it's even still in one piece or ruined. And okay, so it's more like I've driven her crazy a few thousand times. But even then she's... reliable. Even-tempered, dependable.

Me? I'm not. Not even close.

All jokes aside she is the levelheaded one. I don't know how to be levelheaded enough for myself a lot of days, much less both of us. And seeing her -- every mother's instinct screaming as though it were Charlie who'd been shot -- it scared me. I've seen her angry. I've seen her outraged and downright pissed. But I've never seen her like this. Vindictive.

Knowing we left Caesar to the Two-Sixers... Sure, he'd probably earned a one-way trip down to that side of the tracks a long time ago, but this time it was Yokas who wanted it. It was Yokas who convinced me to drive away and leave him behind like the trash he was.

Leaving him there, hearing his screams and the noises as they beat him to death... As if I ever needed proof I'm not the levelheaded one. Well, I got it tonight. If it'd been me hell bent on dealing with Caesar once and for all Faith would've stopped it. She would've stopped me, reasoned with me. Me? I just drive away.

But she's my partner. She's the only one willing to take all my shit and come back for more. I owe her. She was hurting tonight and I knew it, I could feel it. I thought I was helping. But I think I owe her better than I managed tonight. I know I do.

It's gonna hurt her in the morning, when she realizes what we've done. I was serious when I said she's gonna be sad. She would've been sad anyway, like she said, but damn it, this won't make it better. Caesar was a punk. He's a hood who'll die only to be replaced by another hood. There's no end, just another go 'round. We both know that. In the long run we didn't solve a damn thing tonight. She'll only feel worse tomorrow and I think that bugs me most of all. I should've done something. Anything.

And sitting here, staring at the ceiling, I really hope there isn't another time -- even if I know I'm pissing in the wind wishing that. I don't want another chance to do right by her. I'll fuck it up again, no doubt, but most of all seeing her tonight, what it did to her, hurt.

There's only a few things I'll admit I'm not good at -- hurt and scared are the main ones. I hate to be either and tonight I was both. That's a lesson I learned from the old man, one I actually kept. Don't let others hurt you, and sure as hell don't let them know if they do.

Yokas has taught me a few things too, though, or maybe she's just made a point of them. I'd never actually admit it to her face, but I think she knows. The most important one is that you take care of your partner.

And starting tomorrow that's something I'm going to do better at.

End