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Ask The Lonely My heart raced in fear as I signaled to turn toward the beach. I couldn't believe that he would bolt from the party like that, and judging from their faces, the others couldn't either. Within minutes, they told me how he had been so withdrawn and moody the last few weeks. Somehow that didn't sound like him. I was feeling guilty now for neglecting our friendship over the past few months. Until that point, we had been close despite my being four years older than him. But his 19 years he had lived made him more mature than others his age. (I always managed overlooked his typical male addiction to video games.) In the two-plus years we had known each other, he had often called from the road, but those phone calls had gone from frequent to non-existent. I couldn't believe that I had been so wrapped up in my own life as to ignore one of my closest friends. Truthfully, though, he hadn't been making much effort either. I was forced to hear about him second hand from the other guys. I pulled into the parking lot and breathed a sigh of relief as I parked beside a familiar forest green sportscar. I stepped out of my vehicle unconsciously grabbing a sweater. The wind blowing off the gulf was cool, and the temperature would drop once the sun finally set in - I glanced at my watch - half an hour. Realizing that the impending darkness would hinder my search, I felt a renewed sense of urgency. Thank God I knew his habits. The beach – this one in particular - was his sanctuary. Whenever anything bothered him, he was here sorting things through. I walked for nearly half an hour wondering, hoping and praying that he was okay. Then I saw him sitting in the cold sand about a quarter of a mile away. He still wore his faded blue jeans and blue football jersey. His chin-length blonde hair blew in the breeze while he held his UNC baseball cap in his left hand. As I approached him, I noticed his eyes, the color of the very ocean he gazed at, were blank and expressionless. "Nick," I whispered as I felt my heart wrench. I didn't want to see him like this. Why was I here? Brian was his best friend, and he had admitted that he felt helpless. If he and the others couldn't help him, how could I? I silently sat next to him on the sand. I wasn't sure what to do or say. I was tempted to reach out and embrace him, but I was afraid. Instead I waiting not wanting to rush him. "Life is too much to handle." I heard his trembling voice say. "Too much." I glanced at his face. Although his hair had fallen into eyes, I knew he was crying when I saw a tear roll down his cheek. "All this. It's so overwhelming." He paused unsuccessfully trying to regain composure. "Forget the Backstreet Boys. Forget singing. Forget six-months away from home. I can't...I can't do it anymore, Hana." "Nicky...," I murmured choking back my own tears. I never knew he felt like this. Ever since I'd known him, Nick Carter had always been the one to pick me up when I was down. His practical jokes were legendary. I had rarely seen him without that trademark smile - unless he was trying to look sexy in some magazine pinup, in which case he had that pout. Even then, that twinkle in his eyes betrayed him. On stage, he was just as incredible. I understood why all those girls fainted at the sound of his voice. I remembered the first time I heard him sing "Heaven In Your Eyes." His performance left me speechless and in tears, something he incessantly teased me about. My mind returned to the present when I heard that same voice singing softly a tune I recognized."I've been trying to make it home Nick was ripping my heart into pieces. "Nicky," I repeated softly. "I'm so sorry...I didn't know." "No one did. No one cared to." Anger and frustration were evident in his voice now. "Christ, I have thousands of girls falling at my feet everyday, screaming my name and professing their undying love for me. Everyone I meet on the street acts as if they're my best friend. But, you know, I have never felt more lonely in my life than I do now." "Yeah, I know I have Bri, D, A.J. and Kev and my family. I'm thankful for them, but they can't understand this. The guys have tried. They can't. They say they've been there." He shook his head. "They just don't know." Nick brushed the hair from his eyes, which I noticed were bloodshot. "I hear everyone say how privileged I should feel to be where I am, to have all I have. It's great and I don't want to seem ungrateful. Still there is something missing. You probably think I'm being selfish." I shook my head. "No, no you're not. Tell me what you need. What's missing, Nick?" His eyes questioned my sincerity for a moment before he answered. "Normalcy. I can hardly remember what life was like five years ago before the BSB started, before all the madness. I want to go back to being Nick Carter. I'm not saying I want to give this all up. I just want the chance, for whatever amount of time, to be me, to not have the stress, the pressure. I don't want to force myself into thinking how the public will deal with the decisions I make in MY life. Is that too much to ask?" "I don't think so. Nick, you are entitled to live your life the way you want. You said it yourself, it's YOUR life." I thought for a few minutes as he took in my comments. "You have a few more days off, right?" "Thanks for reminding me," he mumbled. "Why don't you go somewhere? The woods. Or the Keys. Take a friend if you want. Go boating. Play some hoop. Just hang out. Do what you want to do." Nick looked at me for the first time. "I don't know, Hana..." "Dammit, Carter, if you don't do something for yourself now, this will eat you up. I can't let that happen. I can't lose one of my best friends to this business." I noticed some of the sparkle return to his eyes at my last remark. "Do you mean that?" I sighed. 'Men.' "Of course. You know that. You've always been one of my best friends." I stared into his eyes. "Please, Nicky, get some time. Do this for you." "You're right. I'll go, but on one condition...I want you to come with me." "Me?" "Yeah, Hana. I'm sorry. I didn't see it. I'm sorry I neglected our friendship. I hadn't forgotten you, just misplaced you for a while." Nick shook his head. "Why didn't I see it? Why didn't you say something?" "I knew you were busy. I figured I didn't matter much to you anymore." Nick touched my cheek gently. "You DO matter to me. God, I'm sorry." The realization hit him then. "You know, I am not so sure it was just normalcy I missed." My eyes met his. "Nick...," I said, my own voice trembling now. "Hana, I will never ignore my best friend again." He enveloped me in his arms and held me tight. "I promise." He whispered in my ear. "If you can promise me that, Nick, I promise you'll never be lonely ever again. Never." *"Wheel in the Sky" by Journey |