|
If You Knew What I Knew "7 am, thinking 'bout you. Wondering if the thoughts I'm feeling, you're feeling too." I read the e-mail my "boyfriend" of 2 years sent me. "I don't know what I can do to make you realize you mean the world to me. I just wish you'd let me in, baby. Why do you pull away from me?" Reading his e-mail made me cry harder than I had ever in my entire life. I quickly closed the e-mail, not wanting to have to face his words. His words, that read like poetry. I didn't understand how he could be so poetic sometimes. AJ and I had been dating off and on for quite some time. Right now, we were "off". About 3 weeks ago, he found me with another guy. I told him I wasn't good for him, and that was the last time I had said a word to him. Most of my anger was caused by my insecurities. All the guys who had ever claimed to "love" me, turned out to be complete trash. I wouldn't let it happen again. AJ often e-mailed me, or called me...to try and talk, but whenever he called I'd hang up on him. His e-mails were either deleted or quickly skimmed through. I knew AJ would come over, and I'd have to face him...I just never thought it'd be so soon. My doorbell rang at about 6:37 in the morning. I climbed out of bed, with a sigh. "Who the hell visits people at 6:30 in the morning" I said to myself. I looked through the peephole and sighed "AJ does..." I opened the door slightly. "What do you want?" I snapped. "Please, Hailey...talk to me." His eyes were bloodshot. I opened the door a little more and AJ stepped in. I stood there consumed by fear and love. AJ was everything I wanted...but something about him....and the thought of there being an "us", scared me. Tears creeped down my face, one by one. AJ took off his sunglasses revealing his beautiful eyes. He wrapped his arms around me, and made me feel safe. "I miss you so much." I cried into his shoulder. His hand moving in a circular motion on my back trying to calm me down. "Hailey, I love you so much, why won't you let me help you with whatever is bothering you?" AJ's eyes burned into my heart, leaving an image of love and happiness. I wiped the tears from my eyes. I walked over to my couch and curled up into a little ball. AJ kneeled on the floor in front of me. He kissed my cheek. "AJ. You deserve better than me. Someone who can love you back. Someone who wants you to love them. You and I are two different people. We're not meant to be together. Don't you see? I'm just going to end up hurting you." I kept my eyes on his. He didn't understand me. He wouldn't be here right now if he did. "I care for you, and I'm only looking out for you. Please, AJ don't make this hard for me." He stroked my brown hair. His touch soft and gentle, telling me everything would be okay. "I don't understand Hailey. For two years, I haven't understood. It's frustrating, to love someone so much...but not know if it's mutual or even appreciated. It hurts." He whispered. "But I love you, and whatever it takes for you to understand that...I'm willing to do." "AJ...please. Just give me sometime to think this over." My voice dark and cold. "It's someone else isn't it?" He retracted his hand as if all of a sudden I had come over with some infectious disease. "No." I couldn't look at him. "Just tell me, Hailey..." He looked down at the floor playing with the the rings around his fingers. "is there someone else?" His tone low and raspy. I swallowed a lump that had formed in my throat. "There are a couple." I confessed getting up and walking towards the kitchen. He followed me. As he caught up to me, he grabbed my arm and spun me around. Immediately I threw up my hands in defense and started crying. "I'm sorry, please don't hit me!" I exclaimed. I opened my eyes to see a look of confusion and concern on his face. "I wouldn't ever hit you. What's gotten into you? Are you afraid of me?" He let go of my arm, and took a step back. I placed my back against the wall, and slowly slid down. I cried...something I was used to doing alone. "You're afraid of me..." AJ said, more to himself than anything. He slowly walked out of the house, leaving me to cry. I sat against the wall with my head in my hands and cried. About an hour and a half later I heard the doorbell but didn't bother to see who it was. Whoever it was realized the door was unlocked and let themselves in. "What's wrong?" I recognized the voice as my friend Nick's. Without me saying a word Nick picked me up off the ground and carried me to my bed. "You're going to have to tell him...he's not going to hate you for it. It isn't your fault." Nick whispered to me as I pulled the covers over my head. I didn't say a word. "Besides, I'm surprised you never told him in the first place. He is, your boyfriend. The man who loves you more than life itself. You told me about it, and I don't think of you any different. You're still Hailey, the girl who ate a handful of worms for 50 cents." A smile spread across my face. Although Nick couldn't see my face he knew I was smiling. "See...there's that beautiful smile I love." I surfaced from under the covers. "You think he'll be mad?" I questioned. "No...he won't be." Nick reassured me running a hand though his semi-damp hair. "Look, tonight AJ is doing some show at the Hard Rock. You should come...especially since I told him you'd be there." Nick smirked. "Can you pick me up?" I asked. "Yeah. Be ready at 6. Okay?" Nick said kissing my cheek and walking out to leave. I spent most of the day lounging at home drowning in self pity. I prepped myself for my news I had to give AJ. As I thought about it more I couldn't quite understand why I had never told him in the first place. If anyone he should have been the first to know. I got dressed in a nice casual outfit. And was ready to leave when Nick arrived. "We have to pick up Brian." Nick informed me. I smiled. I was sort of relieved that I was finally going to tell AJ the news...but kind of scared. "Hey, Hailey." Brian spoke in his country accent ripping me away from my thoughts. "Hi Brian." I smiled. He slightly rubbed my shoulder. He obviously was aware of what I had been putting AJ through. "Hey! Thanks for coming." AJ said making his way towards Nick, Brian and myself. He stared at me for a second. I wrapped my arms around his neck and whispered "We have to talk." He nodded. We left the backstage area, and found ourselves a seat out in the crowd. The show was decent. I was enjoying myself, and Brian and Nick seemed to be too. They kept giving AJ weird looks, and making him laugh. The house lights went out and you could only hear AJ's voice. "The next song is dedicated to a very wonderful person in my life." The band began to play softly as AJ began to sing. "7am, thinkin' 'bout youWondering if the thoughts I'm feeling You're feeling too Like a new born child Soft to the touch Baby is it possible To love some one so much I wish I may, I wish I might Be that certain someone You wish for everynight If you knew what I knew You wouldn't say what you said If you knew what I knew We'd be together instead Of you breaking my heart Over things that aren't true My lady, yes my lady If you knew what I knew Time passes by The only tears I cry Are filled with disillusioned fears I have inside Like a lost soul I feel like I'm all alone If only I could feel your pain within your heart of stone..." As AJ sang tears crawled down my face. At the end of the song the crowd was on their feet. Everyone was truly amazed by his performance. At the end of the show Brian, Nick and myself headed backstage. "Nick...I'll take Hailey home." AJ looked at me as if he was making sure it was okay with me. I nodded. "Okay, good show Bone." Nick and Brian patted AJ's back and gave me a quick hug. We sat across from eachother, in silence as if we were strangers. "I'm pregnant." I blurted out. Alex pulled over to the side of the road. "You're what?" He asked. "I'm pregnant." I repeated. AJ pointed to himself. "No" I shook my head. "It's not yours." I sighed, complete confusion spread across his face. "Who?" His voice soft, but full of spite. I cried at the thought. "It'd be better if you drove to my house so I can explain." He wouldn't look at me. He drove in silence...a million thoughts running through my head. "6 weeks ago...while you were on tour..." I paced across my living room floor as AJ sat on the couch observing me carefully. "...I went out to a club. You had been gone for a while, I was lonely looking for someone to fill the void. This guy sweet talked me...for some reason I went to his place. He forced me to have sex with him." I sat down on the chair across from AJ. He looked at me, the confused look still there. "He knocked me around quite a bit. I knew that I had to give in to him if I wanted to walk out of his place with my health still somewhat decent." I cried into my hands...my body trembling. AJ came and sat next to me. He placed a soothing hand on my leg, causing me to jump a little bit. "Why didn't you tell me?" He asked. "I thought you'd be mad. Then I found out I was pregnant, and I knew you wouldn't want to deal with it. So I tried to make you leave me, I slept around with other guys, hoping you'd catch me with them. Which you eventually did. I thought that by having as many guys as I could, it somehow made that one moment where I was the vulnerable puppet go away. I didn't want to hurt you. But I didn't want you to hurt me." I sighed. AJ placed his hands on my stomach, a tear fell from his eye. "I'm hurt, that you didn't tell me." I was ashamed of my behavior. "2 years? 2 years, and you think I would just up and leave like that? This guy, he raped..." I cut him off. "No, not raped." I denied. "What do you call it?" He asked. "I don't know." I said sheepishly. "He violated you, Hailey! I don't care what you call it, it's horrible. How did you deal with it alone?" "Honestly, I haven't. I sort of tried to forget it. Although I can't, at night I'm terrified to be alone." "Hail...I'll always be here. I can't believe you didn't think you could tell me." He got up and paced the floor. "We should call the police or something...you remember what he looked like?...Do you remember where he lived?" AJ fired all these questions at once causing the haunting night to replay in my mind. "STOP IT!" I screamed. AJ looked at me, a little frightened by my tone. "Can we just move on?" I cried. "I'm sorry..." He replied calming down a bit. "It's just that, I can't believe you didn't tell me. Of all people, you didn't tell me...it hurts. To know that my girlfriend was dealing with something as HUGE as that and I was completely oblivious to it. There must have been signs...I feel as if I don't know you as well as I always thought I did." The hurt in his voice, caused my stomach to do flips. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I just didn't want you to hurt me." I said, as I thought about all the guys in the past that had treated me poorly. AJ had always been different. I knew subconsciously that he would never hurt me...I was just too afraid to admit it. "...all the guys you've been messing around with...?" "They mean nothing to me. I thought about it long and hard, I only thought I needed them...to put the power back on my side of the court. To be able to use them whenever I felt like it...and toss them to the side when I got bored with them. And I also thought it would be better if you left me because I was sleeping around, than to tell you about what happened then have you leave me. I wouldn't have been able to do anything if you left me. And I couldn't have that happen." My eyes pleaded with his. I had messed up royally. I knew it...but I also knew that I couldn't go on ignoring him, and the problems we faced. He sighed and sat back down next to me. "We said there would be no secrets...none. You went back on that promise." He took my hand in his. "I love you, but right now...this is way too much to deal with." My heart shattered at his words. I knew he would leave me...I knew it. He was just like the rest of the guys I had been involved with. He didn't care about me. "I knew it...you're leaving me." I whispered. He cupped my face and kissed my lips. "No, I would never do that. I just need to do some thinking. But I'm staying right here with you, for as long as you need me to." He smiled. "I'm really tired..." I yawned, a few tears falling from my eye. "Want to go to bed?" He asked rubbing my leg soothingly. I nodded, and he walked with me to my room. I changed into some comfortable clothes, then AJ and I laid in my bed his arms wrapped around me. For the first time in a while I felt secure in my own bed. "I love you." He whispered, his lips brushing against me neck. "I love you too." I said before closing my eyes. |