Enjoy.
Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the worlds deadliest assassins. And yet each of you has failed to kill Austin powers. That makes me angry. And when Dr. Evil get angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset...people DIE!!! Why must I be surrounded by freakin idiots. Mustafa, Frau Farbissina, I spared your lives because I need you to help me rid the world of Britain's top secret agent, the only man who can stop me now. We must kill Austin Powers.
Not this time, come Mr. Bigglesworth. See you in the future Mr. Powers. Muhahahahahaha.
Gentlemen welcome to my underground lair. Its been 30 years but I'm back. Everything's gone perfectly to plan except one small flaw. Due to a technical error by my henchman Mustafa complications arose in the unfreezing process.
My design was perfect.
Look what you did to Mr. Bigglesworth.
But Dr. Evil we were unable to anticipate feline complications due to the reanimation process.
Silence. Let this be a reminder to you all that this organization will not tolerate failure.
Ahhhhhh.
Gentlemen, lets get down to business.
Ahhhhhh.
We've got a lot of work to do.
Someone help me. I'm still alive only I'm very badly burned.
Some of you I know some of you I'm meeting for the first time.
Hello out there. Anyone. Can someone call an ambulance, I'm in quite a lot of pain.
Ok, you've all been gathered here to form my evil cabinet...excuse me. Yes he's down there.
Is he dead yet?
No, not dead. Burnt, badly
Would you like me to take care of him, possibly with a gun?
Yes.
Kill him?
Right.
If somebody could open the retrieval hatch down here I could get out. See I designed this devise myself...Oh, Hi, Good. I'm glad you found me listen, I'm very badly burned so if you could just...You shot me.
Ok, moving on.
You shot me right in the arm, why did...
Right, Let me go around the table and introduce everyone. Frau Farbissina, founder of the militant wing of the salvation army. Random Task, Korean Ex-Wrestler evil handyman extraodinare. Random task, show them what you do. Patty O'Brian, Ex-Irish assassin. His trademark, a superstitious man he leaves a tiny keepsake from his good luck bracelet on every victim he kills. Scotland yard would love to get there hands on that piece of evidence.
Yeah, there always after my lucky charms. What? Why does every one always laugh when I say that. They are after me lucky charms. What?
Its a television commercial. With this cartoon leprechaun. And all these children are trying to chase him, here leprechaun man, leprechaun man I want to get your lucky charms. Oh, and there's all these little tiny bits of marshmallows just stuck right in the cereal so that when the kids eat them they think oh this is candy, I'm having fun.
Finally we come to my number two man. His name...Number 2. For 30 years Number 2 has run Virtucon, the legitimate face of my evil empire.
Dr. Evil over the last 30 years Virtucon has grown by leaps and bounds. About 15 years ago we changed from volatile chemicals to the communications industry. We own cable companies in 38 states, we own a steel mill in Cleveland, shipping in Texas, oil refineries in Seattle, and a factory in Chicago that makes miniature models of factories.
Naturally. Gentlemen, I have a plan...It's called blackmail. As you know the Royal family of Britain are the wealthiest land owners in the world. Either the royal family pays us an exorbitant amount of money or we make it seem that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce.
Prince Charles did have an affair, he admitted it and they are now divorced.
Right, Ok people you have to tell me these things alright. I've been frozen for 30 years ok, throw me a freakin bone here. I'm the boss, need the info. Ok, no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the '60's I developed a weather changing machine, which was in essence a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser". Using these "lasers", we punch a hole in the protective layer around the world which we called the "ozone layer". Slowly but surly ultraviolet rays would pour in increasing the risk of skin cancer, that is unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.
That also already has happened.
Shit. Oh hell lets just do what we always do, hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Good. Gentlemen, it's come to my attention that a break away Russian republic, Kraplacistan, is about to transfer a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan, we get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for, one million dollars.
Don't you think we should maybe ask for more than a million dollars. A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days. Virtucon alone makes over nine billion dollars a year.
Really. That's a lot of money. Ok then, we hold the world ransom for one hundred billion dollars.
Remember when we froze your semen? You said if it didn't look like you were coming back we should try to make you a son so a part of you could live forever.
Oh sure.
Well after a couple of years we got a little impatient. Dr. Evil, I want you to meet your son.
My son?
Yah. SCOTT!!!
Uhhhh...Hello Scott.
Hi.
I'm your father, Dr. Evil.
I haven't seen you my whole life and now you come back and just expect a relationship. Phhh, I hate you...What?
Could I have a hug?
No.
Give me a hug.
No way.
Come here.
I'm not coming over there.
Let's go.
Forget it.
Pronto.
What are you doing?
I'm with it. I'm hip. Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka, Tucka...Huhhhhh. Well don't look at me like I'm freakin Frankenstein, give your father a hug.
Your, hey...
Hug, Hug...
Don't touch me...
Hug, Hug...
Get away from me you lazy eyed psycho.
Gentlemen, the warhead is ours. Patch me through to the United Nations Security Secret Meeting Room. Gentlemen, my name is Dr. Evil. In a little while you will notice that the Kraplacistany warhead has gone missing. If you want it back you will have to pay me, one million dollars.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Sorry, One Hundred Billion Dollars.
Gentlemen, Silence. Now Mr. Evil...
Dr. Evil. I didn't spend six year in evil medical school to be called Mr., thank you very much.
It is the policy of the United Nations not to negotiate with terrorists.
Really, So long. Gentlemen, In exactly five days we will be one hundred billion dollars richer. (Extremely Long Diabolical Laughter)
Austin Powers is getting to close. Any suggestions?
Javoll, Herr Doktor. I have created the ultimate weapon to defeat Austin Powers. Bring in the FemBOTS!!!
Uhhh...
Go FemBOTS!!! These are the latest word in android replicant technology. Lethal, efficient, mortal. No man can resist there charm. Send in the GUARDS!!! Kill these women.
Quite impressive.
Thank you, Herr Doktor.
I like to see girls of that, caliber. By caliber, of course, I mean both the size of their gun barrels and the high quality of their character. Its two meanings, cali-bur. It's a homonym. Forget it.
Ok, group. We have some new comers today. Say hello to Scott and his father Mr. Avil.
Evil actually. Dr. Evil
Hello Dr. Evil. Hello Scott.
Hello everybody.
So Scott why don't we start with you. What brings you here with us today.
Well I just really met my dad for the first time five days ago.
I was partially frozen his whole life.
That is beautiful that you can admit to that.
He comes back and now he wants me to take over the family business.
But Scott who's gonna take over the world when I die?
Listen to the words he used. Who's gonna take over the world when I die. Feels like that to some of us sometimes doesn't it.
So, what do you want to do Scott?
I don't know I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet.
An evil vet?
No.
Maybe like work in a petting zoo.
An evil petting zoo?
You always do that! I just think like he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.
Now Scott we don't want to kill each other in here. We might say that we do sometimes, but we really don't.
Actually the boy is quite estute I really am trying to kill him. But so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily like his old man.
This is what I'm talking about.
Ok, well we've heard from you Scott now you tell us a little about yourself.
The details of my life are inconsequential.
Oh no, lets hear about your childhood.
Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy... the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess in the insane lament. My childhood was typical... summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds... pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve, I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.
You know, we have to stop.
Mr. Powers. Welcome to my underground lair. Your just in time. Enjoy the show. Gentlemen, I give you the Vulcan. The world's most powerful subterranean drill. So powerful it can penetrate the earth's crust, delivering a 50 kiloton nuclear warhead deep into the liquid hot core of the planet upon detonation every volcano on earth will erupt.
It seems we have no choice but to pay your ransom.
You have my instructions. Bye-bye.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes? I designed them myself. Scott, Scott my boy, how are you? How was your day?
Well my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town right and they don't speak English there so Jay got into a fight and he's all, hey quit hassling me cause I don't speak French or whatever. And then the guy says something in Paris talk and I'm like just back off and there all get out and we're like make me. It was cool.
Fascinating. What are your plans for this evening?
I thought I would stay in. There's a good titty movie on skinamax.
And that's how you like to live your life is it?
Yea.
Pretty much...
What?
Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers.
What are you feedin him? Why don't you just kill him?
No Scott I have an even better idea. I'm going to place them in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.
Why don't you just shoot him now? I mean I'll go get a gun we'll shoot him together, it'll be fun. Bang. Dead. Done.
One more peep out of you and you are grounded mister, and I'm not joking. Alright lets begin.
Dr. Evil, do you really expect them to pay?
No Mr. Powers, I expect them to die. Even after they pay me the money I'm still going to melt every city on the planet with liquid hot magma. Release the sharks. Mr. Powers you'll notice that all the sharks have laser beams attached to their heads. I figure every creature deserves a warm meal.
Dr. Evil, it's about the sharks. When you were frozen they were put on the endangered species list. We tried to get some but it would have taken months to clear up the red tape.
You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with freakin laser beams attached to their heads. Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cant be done. Ah can you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly, throw me a bone here. What do we have?
Sea Bass.
Right.
They are mutated see bass.
Really. Are they ill tempered.
Absolutely.
Well that's a start...that's something.
Alright guard. Begin the unnecessarily slow moving dipping mechanism. Close the tank.
Wait. Aren't you even gonna watch them? They could get away.
No no no. I'm gonna leave them alone and not actually witness them dying I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?
I have a gun in my room. You give me five seconds ill get it, ill come back down here. Boom. Ill blow there brains out.
Scott, you just don't get it do you. You don't.
Its no hassle.
Shh.
But...
Shh.
I'm...
Shh.
All I'm say...
Shh.
There gonna get awa..
Shh.
I...
Shh.
I'm just...
Shh.
We...
Shh.
Woul...
Shh. Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Shh.
Look...
Shh. Let me tell you a little story about a man named shh. Shh. Even before you start that was a preemptive shh. Just know that I have a whole bag of shh with your name on it.
Come every one let us repair to the main chamber. Project Vulcan is about to begin. Scott, don't you want to see what daddy does for a living?
Blow me.
Excuse me?
Show me.
Ok.
Position the Vulcan. Bring in the warhead.
Arm the probe.
Launching the subterranean probe.
I tripped. Ow ow ow. Open the freakin door.
Din din. I want chicken, I want liver, Meow mix, Meow mix please deliver.
I've got you now Dr. Evil.
Well done Mr. Powers. Were not so different you and I. However isn't it ironic that the very things that you stand for...free love, swinging, parties are all now in the '90's considered to be, evil.
No man, what we swingers were rebelling against is uptight squares like you who's bag was money and world domination. We were innocent man. If wed known the consequences of our sexual liberation we would have done things differently but the spirit would have remained the same. Its freedom baby, yeah.
Face it, freedom failed.
No man. Freedom didn't fail. Right now we've got freedom and responsibility. Its a very groovy time.
There's nothing more pathetic than a aging hipster.
Alright baldly, shut your cake hole. Come on, lets go, on your bike.
Not so fast.
It seems the tables have turned Mr. Powers.
Go ahead Austin. Don't worry about me.
Hey I can take my Sega, right dad?
It seems the tables have turned again Dr. Evil.
Not really, kill the little bastard, see what I care.
But dad we just had a breakthrough in group.
I had the group liquidated you little shit, they were insolent.
I hate you, I hate you. I wish I was never artificially created in the lab.
Oh Scott that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly. Ahh, Number 2, your timing is impeccable. Go ahead, take Mr. Powers away.
No.
What?
Dr, Evil. I spent 30 years of my life turning this two-bit evil empire into a world class multi-national. I was going to have a cover story in Forbes. But you, like an idiot, wanted to take over the world. And you don't realize that there is no world anymore. Its only corporations.
Silence Number 2.
No, I've had enough of you pushing me around. Mr. Powers, I have a business proposition you might find very interesting.
Alright I've have enough.
hr>
I'm gonna get you Mr. Powers. It's freakin freezing in here Mr. Bigglesworth.
