Unexpected Alliance Part 1

Unexpected Alliance: part 1

Notes: I've re-written this slightly, hopefully it's a little better now. No major changes, just some little tweaks here and there.
This story is an AU; there are a few...divergences from canon, but they are relatively minor (crossing fingers behind back).

Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine...like that's a newsflash or something. I'm only borrowing them for my own gratification, and whoever does own them will just have to deal with it!

Ares awoke to the welcome sensation of a tongue caressing his rigid cock. As a warm mouth opened and sucked the head in, he opened his eyes and groaned with passion at the breathtaking sight. Watching as his husband slowly took in his entire length, he gasped. "By the gods, Joxer! That's...oh, yes...more!"

Joxer glanced at Ares' face and grinned, as much as he could with his mouth and throat full of his lover's magnificent cock. Lifting his head and letting the swollen appendage slip from his mouth, he chuckled at the breathy, desperate sounds of denial that Ares let out.

"I get the impression you were enjoying that. Pity!" Joxer moved away, eluding the grasping hands that tried in vain to get him to return to his former task. Crawling up the spacious bed toward Ares' chest, he licked the hard, cinnamon-colored nipples in front of him, then leaned forward toward an ear half-hidden by his lover's dark hair. Nibbling at the earlobe, he continued, "Fortunately for you, I have something much better in mind. And I even happen to be conveniently lubricated -- imagine that!"

Ares turned his head, and seeing the wicked grin on his husband's face, he moaned, then rolled over on top of him. He leaned down and took Joxer's mouth with his own, and the lean body began to writhe under him. Feeling a hard, wet cock against his own, he pulled back. "Yes, very convenient...I can't begin to think how that happened!" With a lust-filled look on his face, Ares moved between Joxer's thighs and lifted his legs. Pushing Joxer's knees up toward his chest, he gazed at the glistening pucker that was revealed. He breathed gently on it, watching raptly as it quivered, seeming to beckon him within. Placing two fingers at the entrance, he lifted his head and locked eyes with his love as his fingers slipped smoothly inside.

Joxer breathed in sharply as his passage, still stretched and wet from the night before, grasped at the fingers. When they twisted and rubbed against that magic spot inside him, he let out a hoarse yell. "Please...oh please, love...now!"

Ares watched as the beautiful man under him undulated with ecstasy, hearing his moans increase in passion as he removed his fingers and eased his length slowly inside the slick, hot passage. Joxer's legs came around his waist and pulled him close. Fully inside, he lowered his weight and kissed his husband's swollen lips. As tongues dueled frantically, their hips began to move in a well-practiced rhythm. Ares slid his cock slowly in and out of its tight sheath, his husband urging him on.

"Oh gods...faster! Please...harder. More!"

Changing his angle so he rubbed against that spot inside his husband, Ares grinned when Joxer's speech degenerated into a desperate babbling. He began to move faster, thrusting his cock roughly into the welcoming body under him.

Joxer reached for his own cock, but Ares batted his had away. "Not this time. Just me...you'll cum just from me," he growled, and increased the pace of his thrusts. Joxer whimpered and moved even more frantically against his husband, feeling Ares' cock pounding against his magic spot with every stroke. His penis twitched and jerked with the force of Ares' movements.

As he drew closer to the height of his ecstasy, Joxer gasped and shuddered, tightening his legs around Ares and wiggling his hips while squeezing the cock inside him. Unable to last any longer, he came hard, shouting loudly as the sticky white fluid erupted from his cock and splattered against his chest.

The sensation of his husband's sheath spasming around him was too much for Ares. As he watched the cum erupt from the other's dark cock, Ares groaned and pushed in one last time, adding his yells to Joxer's when his seed spurted deep inside his lover. Collapsing forward, he rolled them both onto their sides, and as his softening cock slipped from its place inside his husband, he gently kissed the neck in front of him. Moving lower, he kissed Joxer's chest, licking the remaining traces of their passion from his smooth, salty skin, then moved back up.

As their breathing slowed, the two kissed lazily. After a few minutes, Ares pulled back and smiled at the sated expression on his husband's face. "Thank you love, that was a wonderful way to wake up."

Joxer snuggled closer. "I thought you might like it; you always have before!"

Ares laughed. "Mouthy brat!" Sitting up, he moved reluctantly away from the naked vision sprawled beside him. Joxer reached out to drag him back down, but Ares got up too quickly. "Much as I'd love to spend another entire day here in bed with you, we do have things to do today!"

"Mmmm...can't they wait for just a few more minutes?" Joxer stared at Ares plaintively, his eyes wide.

"Don't start with that look! And with the two us in a bed, or on any other reasonably adequate surface for that matter, there is no such thing as 'just a few minutes'! We've already spent the last 18 hours in this bed -- and very little of that was for sleeping. Come on now, get up!"

"Well, yes, that's what I was trying to do...again. So glad you agree!" Joxer leered at his husband's naked ass as he walked across the room.

Ares rolled his eyes. "Enough of that! You are absolutely insatiable."

Joxer mock pouted. "I thought you liked me that way." He sniffed quietly.

Ares turned and tried to glare ferociously, but his expression softened as he gazed at the rumpled bed containing the freshly-fucked love-of-his-life. Chuckling, he walked over and kissed Joxer fiercely, wiping the pitiful look away. "I love you every way. But you have to get out of bed and dress now. We are supposed to meet with Strife and discuss strategies for the war in Thebes. So move it!" Ares swatted his lover's ass, then moved quickly toward the door, his customary black leather clothes appearing on him as he went.

Sighing, the God of Trouble left the bed. Straightening the room up and clothing himself with a thought, he followed the God of War out of the room, preparing for their meeting with Mischief.

Joxer peered intently at the large, detailed map of Greece that lay on the table before him. Brow furrowed, he nibbled gently on his lower lip, drumming his fingers as he contemplated the situation. Ares watched from across the spacious chamber, awaiting the telltale signs that inspiration had struck. He grinned as he heard a sharp intake of breath and saw the fingers cease their movement.

Joxer leaned forward quickly, muttering softly as his finger traced a mysterious pattern on the map near the figures that represented the opposing armies near Thebes. He let out a short cry of triumph, and turned to face his lover, who walked toward him as he began to speak. "I've got it! It's perfect, no way can it fail. Well, hardly any way. Still, it's a really brilliant idea. See, what I've got in mind is this: while you follow your battle plan, Strife and I are going to -- "

"Did I hear m'name?" The God of Mischief strode through the open doors into the room. "Hiya Pops, Dad...s'up?"

"How many times have I told you not to call me 'Pops'?" Ares glared at his son.

"Ummm...I dunno. A couple?"

"Well, stop then!"

"Sure thing, Pops." Strife snickered.

Ares threw his hands up. "Why 'Pops'? Why can't I be 'Dad' or 'Father'? 'Pops' is so...so...ugh!" He grimaced in disgust.

"Duh." Strife rolled his eyes. "Like, Joxer's 'Dad', and 'Father' is way not somethin' I see comin' outta my mouth, so that leaves 'Pops'. Get ovah it! At least I ain't callin' ya 'Ol' Man'."

Ares tried to maintain his frown, but the sight of Joxer hiding a smirk behind his hand caused him to lose control and chuckle wryly. Deciding to accept his defeat semi-gracefully, he sighed. "Oh, fine! Just try to remember not to slip and call me that around you-know-who."

Strife looked at him scornfully. "Like, duh! I ain't stupid, ya know. Around the 'freaky four' you get to be 'Unc'! 'Sides, they'd blow a gasket if they evah figgered out I was really yer kid, an' not jus' some nutcase ya keep around fer laughs!"

Ares and Joxer paused for a moment to decipher that, then Ares let out a wicked laugh. Joxer looked over at him, quirking an eyebrow in silent question, then joined in when his husband sent a vivid mental image to him through their link.

Strife glanced from on to the other, then muttered not so quietly, "An' mortals think I'm off my rocker...they ain't nevah hung 'round you two fer long!" He watched as his fathers got themselves under control. Ares turned toward Strife with an explanation.

"It's just that, you think they would be upset to find out I'm your father. Imagine what their reaction would be to finding out your other father is Joxer, who just happens to be a god as well, and not some pathetic warrior-wannabe who's hopelessly in love with that annoying blond bard like they all think!"

Strife gaped at his fathers. "Oh...shit! They'd like, totally flip their lids! Talk about a major system shock -- fuck, but I wanna be there when they fine'ly get th' news bulletin on that!"

Joxer grinned at his son. "We'll be sure to invite you when we break it to them, then."

"Glad ta hear it! Anyway, what was ya sayin' before I came in? Sounded like ya got a job lined up fer me. Which I gotta tell ya is a good thing. I'm like totally psyched fer it -- this gig ya got me on now is seriously dull. My skills are being way wasted! C'mon, give...whatcha need the ol' Mischief God to mess around with now? Bettah be good, I'm warnin' ya!" Strife's enthusiasm for his prospective task was evident.

"Well, like I was saying before being so rudely interrupted..." Strife grinned maniacally and flung himself into a nearby chair to await the presentation of his father's latest inspiration. Joxer continued, "Ares was having a slight...problem -- " Ares reached over and cuffed the back of his head. Joxer glared at his husband, moved away, and went on. "Ahem. What I meant to say was, there was a...situation..." he stuck his tongue out at Ares, "developing in regards to the war that's in the works near Thebes. Our mutual, um, friends, the warrior princess and her faithful sidekick, were seen headed that way. And we can all pretty much guess that she's not going there for a vacation! So we had to factor her presence and probable actions into our plan in order to make sure that the upcoming battle will still take place according to schedule. I mean, it's fairly obvious that she's going to try to stop that from happening."

"One thing our little Xena can't seem to figure out is that war is necessary...especially this one! If we don't get the male residents of both Athens and Thebes thinned out soon, the aggression that is building will eventually erupt into uncontrollable rioting. The resulting slaughter would decimate the populations of both cities, which is not something any of the gods needs, especially those with a large number of worshippers in the area." Ares shook his head. "No, a quick, clean battle is much better all around -- not that Xena would ever agree! Especially with her little bard spouting in her ear about all the evils of war. Not once does she ever consider the fact that they might actually serve a purpose! Mortals will fight no matter what...I just get them to do it in a manner that's much less destructive to mankind as a whole."

Joxer agreed. "You'd think they would have realized how necessary War is, especially after that incident when Ares lost his sword. Just look how people acted then!" Ares glowered at the unwanted reminder of the brief time he spent without his godhood. Joxer looked at him sympathetically, then walked over and wrapped his arms around him. Pressing his lips against his neck, he proceeded to lick his way up to Ares' mouth. Once there, he slipped his tongue inside the warm, moist cavern, passionately kissing the gloomy expression off his face. In response, Ares groaned and wrapped his arms around his lover.

As the two continued to kiss, their movements becoming more frantic, Strife spoke up. "Um, 'scuse me, I'm still here, ya know. I mean, it's not like ya guys ain't fuckin' hot, ya are. Damn, I can see that ev'n if ya are my parents. But don't we have, like, othah things ta take care of? Ya know, before ya start gettin' all horizontal?" The two gods parted reluctantly, their hands lingering on each other. Strife shook his head, smirking. "C'mon, Dad, give! What kinda mayhem didja think up for us this time?"

Taking in his son's mischievous expression and the expectant look on his husband's face, Joxer walked over to the map and began. "Ok, background first. We know that, according to Ares' plan, the armies from Thebes and Athens will meet here -- " pointing to an open area near Thebes. "The basic idea was, get a certain number of men from each city to hack at each other out here, and once they get rid of a lot of the aggression that has been building up, disband them. This would keep the cities themselves, and by extension the main portion of the people in them, relatively safe, while at the same time providing an outlet for the violence that would otherwise break out uncontrolled. A nice, neat war to clear the air, short and with no unwarranted casualties. Normally no problem, Ares has done it thousands of times. But then we hit a snag." He broke off and motioned for Ares to continue.

Ares cleared his throat. "Right. Well, like Joxer said earlier, we got wind that Xena and company were headed in that direction. Naturally, I thought I'd look in and find out if they were going to cause any difficulties. That's when I heard the little blond twit mention something about Xena being on her way to, and I quote, 'Stop a senseless war from killing off innocents', end quote. Hades! Preventing the slaughter of innocents is the entire purpose behind this war! So anyway, I thought I'd bring the little dilemma to Joxer here for one of his fascinating solutions." Ares bowed slightly in his husband's direction, and Joxer acknowledged the compliment with a grin and a nod.

Strife moved impatiently out of his chair to stand beside his fathers at the table. Crossing his arms over his chest and tapping a foot in exasperation, he glowered. "Yeah, yeah, I get it...you're fuckin' brilliant, 'kay Dad? Now get on with it!"

Joxer sniffed disdainfully. "Hmph. I can see we somehow neglected to teach you manners as a child."

Strife rolled his eyes and scoffed. "Like, you're jus' now figgerin' that out! I mean, duh! I cuddah told ya that ages ago!"

Ares let out a strangled sound of amusement, but subsided when Joxer glared at him. He shrugged, his eyes widening innocently. "What?"

Joxer held his gaze a moment longer, then resumed. "When Ares told me about what Xena and Gabrielle had in mind, we decided to, ah...sleep on it--"

Strife snorted.

"Ahem." He glared at his son, then continued, "...and meet with you this morning to decide on an updated plan of action. While waiting for you, I came up with the perfect solution." He paused for effect. Seeing the frustrated look that began to emerge on the beloved face of his son, he quickly went on.

"It's really fairly simple. We know where Xena and Gabrielle are now, so I'll go join up with them with my whole 'moronic idiot' persona in place. They'll probably try for a while to get rid of me, but I'll do the clueless bit until they give it up and let me tag along. While we are travelling is when I'm going to need you, Strife." The God of Mischief perked up at this tidbit. "Even a pathetic mortal like they think I am can only fuck things up so often. I'm going to need you to generate as many obstacles as possible so we can delay them long enough. And they have to be plausible; I don't want Xena having any idea that whatever happens is being controlled by someone."

"What kinda 'obstacles' ya want here? I mean, there's a lotta things I can do ta keep 'em outta our way -- want me ta run 'em by ya?" A dangerous glint appeared in his eyes as he began to form a mental list.

"No, I trust you with what you think is best. Plus, if I know what to expect, my reactions won't be as genuine. But be sure to make it so as much as possible of whatever you do can be enhanced by my...special charm! I can fake it from there." Joxer grinned wickedly.

"Cool...can do. An' I jus' love messin' with those two. They are, like, major fun to irritate! So what, we jus' gonna keep 'em from gettin to Thebes in time to help? That don't sound like much of a challenge." Strife looked at Joxer dubiously. "That's your perfect plan? Like, ain't that a little beneath you?"

"Oh, no. I don't want our friends to miss the war. In fact, I'm counting on them being there in time to see it start. That's the best part of all. Did I forget to mention a little fact that Xena doesn't happen to be aware of -- that the generals leading the two armies are Makus and Petronis?"

Strife shrugged. "So?"

Ares' reaction was slightly different. His mouth dropped open as he caught on to what Joxer had in mind. "Gods, I had forgotten about those two." Then his eyes narrowed and a sneer formed on his face. "Xena shows up between them, and she won't stop the war, she'll just start it all the sooner!"

Strife looked confused. "Ummm, I don't get it. Like, what do Makus and Petronis have ta do with anythin'?"

"Makus was a conquest of Xena's back when she was a warlord." Ares explained. "He was hopelessly in love with her, a fact which she used to undermine his authority with his army. Once she got his men to look to her for all major decisions, she knew she had them. So she told Makus she was ditching him for a stronger warrior that she had been fucking -- and tossed out the name Petronis as his rival. He lost control, and she basically walked away with his army."

Joxer broke in. "Thing is, Petronis had never even met Xena then. But she showed up at his camp a few months later and pulled the exact same stunt on him, only using Makus' name for a rival. So here you have two angry generals who have just lost their armies to a woman who claimed to have left each man for the other. They never met up, but each always blamed the other for the loss of his men and his 'love', waiting for a chance for revenge."

Strife's expression grew gleeful as he caught on. "So Xena's gonna show up ta talk peace, the generals will both know who she is, an' we make sure they figger out that th' othah dude is th' one they been wantin' ta waste all these years. Ain't no way Xena's gonna stop that fight from happenin'! Cool! Uh, hold on, wait a sec...if that's gonna happen, why ya even need ta keep Xena and Gabs from gettin' there sooner?"

Joxer replied, "That's where Ares comes in. See, his job is to remind both men of, shall we say, past failures. With a bit of...nudging, they'll soon be primed for an all out fight. But it may take a few days to get them to that point, and the way things look now, Xena will show before they've been stirred up enough. Remember, we need the entire armies to fight, we don't want just two men getting in a brawl over a woman. I want those generals ready to commit their entire forces to wiping each other out. He'll let us know when the time is right to let Xena and Gabrielle arrive on the scene."

Ares added, "It still needs a little fine tuning, but on the whole, it's a good plan. We can get all the little details figured out later."

"Damn! If this works, it's gonna be one fuckin' awesome fight! I am, like, so ready for this!" Strife was practically dancing with malicious glee at the thought of his new task. "I gotta go figger out 'zactly what I wanna do...gods, this is gonna be great!" He walked in a distracted manner from the room, muttering under his breath as he came up with and summarily discarded several strategies.

War and Trouble watched as their son left. "Well, all that talking made me thirsty." Ares walked over to another table that contained a jug of wine and some cups. As he went, Joxer's gaze was drawn to his smoothly shifting ass, watching as the cheeks flexed with each step. Ares reached the table and poured himself a drink, then turned to face his husband, noticing the direction of his stare.

When Ares moved, Joxer was confronted with a leather-covered groin. He continued to stare, watching as the soft mound grew firmer and pressed against the confines of his lover's pants. Dragging his eyes upwards, Joxer began to growl softly and stalk toward Ares.

Ares saw the lust on Joxer's face as he neared, and moaned. The cup slipped from suddenly nerveless fingers, clattering sharply on the stone floor. Neither god noticed. Joxer drew close, and reached out a finger to trace lightly up the outline of Ares' cock. Ares pressed his hips forward, trying to deepen contact.

Joxer pulled back. "Clothes...gone. Now!" Ares blinked, then made their clothes disappear. Joxer grabbed the back of his head and pulled him forward into a deep kiss. As their tongues slid against each other, their lower bodies came closer until their cocks touched. Reaching down, Ares grasped both erections with a fist, which he began to move slowly up and down.

When Ares' hand started to stroke their dripping cocks, Joxer broke away from the kiss. He looked around, then a mischievous grin appeared. He stepped away from Ares, who moaned at the loss of contact and reached for him again.

"Ah, ah...not just yet!" Joxer took another step away, and Ares snarled and followed. The two continued in this manner until Joxer was backed up against the large table containing the map and figurines. He shoved the contents of the table to the floor just before he was pounced.

Ares tried to push Joxer back onto the table, but was frustrated when his mate squirmed quickly away and moved behind him. Ares turned, and was mildly startled when a hand landed on his chest and began to push. He looked up into his husband's eyes. "My turn," Joxer growled softly. Ares shuddered, then lay back on the table, spreading his legs wide.

Joxer licked his lips at the sight of his lover displayed so wantonly on the table before him. "Just my luck...breakfast is served!" He bent forward to lick the fluid away from the head of Ares' cock, causing his husband to gasp and push his hips up. Joxer swirled his tongue around the hard shaft, the dipped it into the slit on the head. Probing gently, he heard Ares' moans increase in volume, felt the motion as his hips tried to press his cock deeper into the hot, wet cavern of the mouth above him.

Joxer took pity on him, and opened his mouth wide. Quickly, he moved to cover the entire cock in front of him. It slid down his throat, and when his lips brushed against Ares' pubic hairs, he began to swallow.

Ares shouted as he felt Joxer's throat muscles contract around his length. Thrusting wildly in and out of the willing mouth, his movements became more frantic. When he felt his lover's hand grasp his balls and roll them with his fingers, tugging lightly, he lost control. "O yes, love...yes!" He came with a wild yell, feeling that throat milking every last drop from him. As his shudders slowed, he felt the mouth release his now half-hard member, and looked down into bright, needy eyes.

Joxer gazed at the flushed and trembling body beneath him. He looked into Ares' eyes as he leaned forward and gently kissed his quivering stomach, reaching for the small pot of oil that suddenly appeared on the table beside them. Leaning back, he coated two fingers and looked at the rosy pucker between his husband's cheeks. He stroked over the small opening, watching as it fluttered slightly open and closed. Gently, he slipped his fingers inside, caressing the tight passage. Feeling the fleshy mound, he stroked it lightly, watching as Ares' cock grew firmer, soon returning to full hardness.

Removing his fingers, he ignored the desperate whimpers that sounded and, after oiling another finger, pushed back in with all three. His breathing quickened as he watch his fingers disappear, seemingly sucked in by his lover's hungry ass. He moved them in and out a few times, almost cumming when heard a ragged voice moan, "Now...gods, Joxer, I want you in me...do it!" Pulling his fingers out, he oiled his cock and pressed forward. The head came into contact with the loosened muscle and, as he pushed firmly with his hips, slipped inside. He continued pushing, and his cock slid all the way in, unhindered. Joxer leaned over Ares and began pressing firm kisses onto his chest as he stroked in and out of the shuddering passage.

Ares panted loudly, wrapping his legs around Joxer and moaning hoarsely whenever a thrust brought his lover's cock into contact with that special spot. He felt a hand, fingers still covered with oil, grasp his penis and stroke firmly up and down, in counterpoint to the movement of the cock in his ass.

Joxer sped up the motion of his hips, moving quickly as he neared release. Feeling himself beginning to cum, he bit down sharply on one of Ares' nipples.

As he felt sharp teeth dig into his tender nipple, Ares tensed. When Joxer shuddered above him, his hot cum flooding his insides, Ares let out a muted yell and came again, his seed gushing out to coat Joxer's hand and their stomachs. Joxer collapsed on top of him, breath coming in short, harsh gasps. Relaxing his legs, Ares stroked his mate's smooth, sweat-slickened back lightly.

When Joxer felt his penis soften and slip out of its warm sheath, he pressed a kiss against Ares' neck, whispering, "Gods, how I love you." Once his breathing had returned to normal, he stood with a groan, taking in the sight of Ares splayed naked on the table beneath him. Fresh cum glistened on his belly and trickled out of his ass to run down his thighs. A smug look came over Joxer's face.

Ares grinned up at his satiated -- for the moment -- lover. "So, how did you like your breakfast?"

"Ok, we all have out parts down, right?" Ares waited for confirming nods from Joxer and Strife. "Good, let's get to it then." Each of the three gods disappeared with a flash of light, headed for his destination.

Joxer appeared in a tiny copse on the outskirts of Lania, a small village located roughly two day's journey west of Thebes. With a sigh, he glanced down at his comfortable clothing, then reluctantly exchanged the soft leather pants and Chin silk shirt for the clanking, makeshift 'armor' his alter ego favored. Grimacing with extreme distaste, he shook himself -- the resulting clamor frightening away a nearby flock of birds -- and began to walk in a rather stumbling fashion toward the village.

"Look Xena, I know we're in a hurry, but we need to stop for supplies!" Gabrielle's irritation came through clearly. "I am not in the mood to eat fish for the next few days. Can't we stop at the market here? It really shouldn't take more than a few minutes."

Xena sighed in capitulation. "Fine. But from what I remember of the place, Lania isn't big enough to boast much of a selection. If you must though..."

Gabrielle beamed up at her friend. "Great! Hey, maybe we'll even hear something that could help us stop the war."

Xena made a noncommittal sound. "Perhaps. I doubt it though. These people have a reputation for being rather close-mouthed with outsiders."

Gabrielle rolled her eyes. "You can be so cynical sometimes, Xena. Lighten up!"

Once the two entered the village, Xena moved off in search of information while Gabrielle headed toward the market. Reaching the rather deserted place quickly, she began to browse, picking through the fruits and vegetables for the freshest ones. Suddenly, she was jostled sharply from behind and, losing her balance, landed face down in the dirt. Turning over, she looked up angrily.

"Oh, sorry! Gosh, that was really clumsy of me. I didn't mean to -- Gabby!" Gabrielle groaned softly as the irritating, nasal voice went on. "Wow! Imagine meeting you here! Hey, where's Xena? You guys are usually together."

Gabrielle gritted her teeth and rose, dusting herself off briskly. "Yeah, what a...surprise. Look Joxer, I really can't stay and chat. I'm meeting Xena. We're on our way...somewhere." She gathered her things together and paid for her supplies. Attempting to leave quickly, she cursed under her breath when Joxer followed.

"Hey, I heard about those two armies about to meet east of here. I thought I'd go help out; you know, apply a little 'Joxer the Mighty' reasoning to the situation. Oh wow, I bet you and Xena were going there too, huh? Great! I'll come with you...make sure you don't get into any trouble or anything." Still walking in front of him, Gabrielle missed the sardonic look that passed briefly over Joxer's face.

"Um, well, actually -- "

"Xena!" Joxer broke in.

Gabrielle looked up to see Xena moving into view, an expression of barely concealed disgust appearing when she heard the exclamation.

"Joxer," Xena responded flatly.

"Hey, Gabby and I thought it would be a good idea for me to travel with you guys, since we're all headed to the same place anyway."

Xena shot a fierce look at her friend, who shook her head frantically in denial, pleading silently for Xena to 'lose the jerk'. "Look, Joxer," she ground out, "I really don't think -- "

"Oh, don't worry, it's no trouble for me!" Still staring at each other in silent communication, both women missed the look that again flickered across Joxer's face.

"Um, Joxer, I need the speak with Gabrielle please."

"Sure!"

As he continued to stand in the same spot, Xena transferred her gaze to him and clarified, "Alone."

"Oh! Yeah, ok, no problem. You two talk girl stuff, I'll just, um...wait over there by Argo!" Before Xena could say anything else, he clanked off.

Xena looked back at her friend, glaring.

"It's not my fault!" Gabrielle hissed. "He ran into me...literally! If I had seen him first, I would have left before he noticed me. I was trying to ditch him when you showed up. Can't you get rid of him?"

Xena glowered. "And how exactly would you propose I do that? The man is a leech, he latches on and won't let go!"

"I don't know! Maybe you could put the pinch on him...just for a minute or so."

Xena frowned, her eyes narrowing.

"Ok, so killing him is a little over the top. Can't you just, you know, sort of knock him out and tie him up? I'm sure someone will find him and let him go...eventually."

Xena looked thoughtful for a moment, considering the merits of that suggestion, then shook her head. "No, he'd only think it was a joke or something and follow us as soon as he got loose. Who knows what kind of trouble he'd get into getting involved with this on his own? He's already determined to be involved, we might as well take him with us and try to keep him out of the worst of it."

Gabrielle grimaced, but gave in. "Fine. But if he starts singing that song, I will not be responsible for what happens!"

Xena gave a half-grin. "If it comes to that, I'll probably help!"

Pretending to be absorbed with Argo's saddle, Joxer eavesdropped on the conversation taking place behind him. He had to reign in his temper sharply when he heard them talking about how to get rid of him. He started slightly as Strife appeared, then relaxed. Knowing his son was invisible to the mortals around them, he lowered his voice. "You have everything set up?"

Strife smirked. "Yep. Gonna be a blast! Can't wait ta get this gig goin'! And ya ain't gotta worry 'bout tonight, all the big stuff starts tomorrow. Got some little things in mind fer today, though...ya know, ta build up the suspense!"

Joxer grinned. "Well, I want you to add a little something." Strife leaned closer, eyes shining in anticipation. Joxer gestured at the women behind him. "Those two have just managed to really piss me off, and I can't do anything 'godly' to get back at them; even they might eventually notice that. So...I'm going to treat them to a spirited rendition of my little song. Again...and again...and again! Here's what I want you to do; every time one of them gets annoyed enough to actually come after me -- and believe me they will -- distract them with one of your...specialties."

Strife rubbed his hands together, chuckling wickedly. "Oh yeah, this is gonna be loads of fun!" He looked over his shoulder. "Fuck, they're comin' this way. See ya 'round Dad. And try not ta kill 'em...it'd spoil my plans." Joxer swatted at him, catching him on the back the head just before he disappeared.

"Um, Joxer, what are you doing?" Gabrielle stared at him strangely. Why was he talking to himself and waving his arms around like that?

"Hmm? Oh! Um, I was just swatting, um, flies! Off of Argo. You know, so they wouldn't irritate him. So," he continued, changing the subject, "did you two have a good talk?"

Xena and Gabrielle glanced at each other, then Gabrielle said, "Yes, we thought you could come with us and, uh..." she trailed off and Xena continued, "provide us with back-up. We figured it would be a good idea for you to stay under cover and watch everything that goes on, make sure it's safe and all."

"Great idea! Don't worry, Joxer the Mighty will make sure you guys stay safe. And if anyone tries anything, I'll be the first to rise to your defense!"

"Gee, great, that makes me feel safe," Gabrielle muttered under her breath. Speaking up, she added, "We need to get moving. There are only a few hours of daylight left, we should cover what ground we can."

Xena moved past her to mount Argo, whispering in passing, "You just had to stop here, huh?" Gabrielle stuck out her tongue, and then the trio began to move eastward.

Ares flashed into a clearing, observing unseen as the soldiers around him began preparations for the next day's march. He watched as the men moved briskly about, shoving others out of their paths, shaking his head at this evidence of unruly behavior. They lacked the discipline of true warriors, but still...they served their purpose. He went in search of Makus.

Finding the general in a large tent in the center of the camp, Ares waited until he was alone, then appeared in a flash of light.

Makus turned, drawing his sword. Seeing the foreboding visage of the God of War, he dropped to his knees. "M-m-my Lord Ares!" he stuttered in surprise. "You honor me!"

"You're right, I do." Ares strolled casually over to a large chair, obviously Makus' own. Sprawling indolently, he raised an eyebrow as Makus moved to speak. "You object to something in particular?"

Makus shut his mouth with an audible 'click'. "N-n-no! Of..of course not!" He glanced nervously around, shifting slightly.

Ares sighed. "Get off your knees, mortal! And put that thing away before you cut yourself -- I don't have time for this!" Makus sheathed the weapon and rose hesitantly, awaiting a reason for Ares' sudden appearance.

"So, you're going to start a fight with that Theban general. Good."

"I'm...glad you approve, my lord."

"If I didn't, you'd be dead." Makus broke out into a sweat. "There is one...minor little thing I'd like to discuss. And by 'discuss', I mean I talk, you listen. Now..." Ares stood and walked toward the trembling man. "Last time I took notice of you, there was an...incident."

"I don't understand. What incident do you mean?" Ares glared at this interruption, and Makes paled.

"It seems you...fell in love..." he fairly spat the word out, "with some woman, and managed to lose your entire army to her. Zebra I think her name was."

"Xena," Makus whispered, trailing off as the god narrowed his eyes.

"Whatever. I just wanted to make sure nothing like that will happen this time?" Makus shook his head frantically in negation. "Good. Another screw-up like that, and you might actually start to annoy me."

Makus felt the blood drain from his face. If Ares wasn't annoyed now, he would be lucky to escape with his life when the god truly got upset!

"I see we have an understanding. Wonderful!" Ares sneered at the shaking mortal. "I'll be back later to check on you...just to make sure." With a last look of disgust at the man, he left as quickly as he had appeared.

Ares groaned. One down, one to go...for today anyway! He had the feeling it was going to be a loooong week.

"I can not believe how rotten this day got!" Gabrielle fumed as she wrenched her boots off and turned them upside down. Dark mud oozed out. "How, by the gods, did this stuff manage to get in my shoes!"

Joxer hid a grin at her unintentionally appropriate wording. He unobtrusively winked at Strife, who disappeared laughing.

Xena snarled softly, removing some of her armor and trying not to scratch at her back. Since Joxer had joined them, the day had gone to Tartarus. As if having to be subjected to that horrible song weren't bad enough! She had noticed Gabrielle's temper beginning to fray, and just when Xena thought the bard was about to snap, she had stumbled hard. Her feet tangling in her staff, she tripped and managed to fall against a tree root when she landed, bruising her shins.

Not too long after that something, she never did figure out what, had spooked Argo. Caught by surprise, Xena had been thrown from his back into some bushes. Only mildly irritated, her annoyance grew once she noticed the rash forming on whatever skin had come into contact with the shrubs.

Xena shifted, trying in vain to relieve the persistent itch that the rash covering her shoulder-blades and the backs of her thighs produced. Damn plants!

Matters had continued in much the same vein, with one or the other of the women managing to trip, fall, stumble, or otherwise manage to lose her balance. Nothing seriously harmful, just enough to leave them with a growing collection of bumps and bruises. And that damned rash!

The most recent accident had occurred when setting up camp after travelling just a few miles. Xena had been standing with Gabrielle by a stream that was located near the campsite. Upon hearing Joxer, once again, singing that song as he moved toward them, Gabrielle had let loose a frustrated snarl.

"That's it! He is a walking dead man!" Moving purposefully in the direction of the irritating voice, she lost her balance and slid down the bank into the stream. Spluttering, she struggled out, covered in mud and weeds. "What in Tartarus...!" She let out a strangled scream and stalked back to camp.

Actually, the day had really been kind of...odd, now that Xena thought about it. Neither she nor Gabrielle were usually so clumsy. She scratched unthinkingly at her shoulder, dragging her hand away when she realized what she was doing. Cursing not-so-quietly, she too headed toward camp. Sleep. That was it. They just needed some sleep.

Joxer divested himself of his metal trappings, settling into his bedroll and sighing in relief. Gabrielle had finally quit complaining, shutting up long enough to get ready for bed. Xena, her occasional muttered comment having escalated into an angry, whispered argument with the bard, had spread her bedroll on the opposite side of the fire from her, laying down and closing her eyes firmly.

Joxer had had to work hard throughout the day to contain his amusement as the easy camaraderie that was usually present between the two had deteriorated. As tempers frayed, they had started snapping at each other, Gabrielle getting more vocal while Xena descended into a frigid silence. The God of Trouble found it all highly entertaining, the only downside being the fact that he had to stick around for the moment and be subjected to the duo's seemingly endless complaints. He snickered softly, thinking about what Strife might have in store for tomorrow.

Turning in his bedroll onto his side and facing the fire, he grinned when he heard a husky voice near his ear. "You look stunning in the firelight."

Joxer turned his head and gently kissed the parted lips that met his gaze. "You shouldn't be here. You might wake them up."

"They can't see me, or hear me." He moved a hand inside Joxer's clothes, gently caressing a smooth hip and causing Joxer to moan softly in appreciation. "You, however, they can both see and hear, a drawback to pretending to be mortal. I suggest you try not to make too much noise." He licked at a soft earlobe, then moved his mouth to the pale neck, leaving behind moist kisses on the tender flesh.

Joxer's breathing accelerated, and he began to pant as the tongue worked its way to his collarbone. Suddenly the warmth behind him disappeared as Ares rolled away. "What...?"

In a voice laced with resignation, "Then again, if you really think I should go..." Ares sighed heavily.

Joxer glared over his shoulder. "If you ever want to get laid again, you will get back over here and fuck me now!" he hissed forcefully.

"Well, if you insist..." Ares smiled, and returned to the warm, welcoming body. Tracing the contours of the lean back in front of him, he reached the loose-fitting pants. He slipped his hands inside to cup the cheeks of his lover's rounded ass. Kneading them gently, he managed to push Joxer's pants down to his knees, and Joxer lifted his body slightly to accommodate this maneuver.

"Shhh...don't move, don't talk, just lay there," Ares murmured,causing Joxer to whimper. Ares placed an arm under his head, propping him up and, at the same time, pulling him closer. With his free hand he continued to work at the soft mounds. A finger slipped down the crevice to rest lightly against the quivering pucker. Pressing gently, he worked a now-oiled finger into the hole.

As his body was breached by the broad finger, Joxer gasped quietly and shoved his hips back. He desperately tried to control his moans, casting frantic glances at his two reluctant travelling companions to assure himself of their continued slumber. The finger was removed, to be swiftly replaced by two, which twisted slightly to rub against his sweet spot. His body shook with barely-contained passion.

Hearing Joxer's breathing become more erratic, Ares removed his fingers from the clinging passage. As he replaced them with his slippery cock, he heard the low, drawn-out sigh his husband released. "Hush now, love. Remember, still and quiet."

Joxer's eyes rolled back in his head as he was fully impaled on the large cock of his lover. Soft, breathy grunts welled up from his throat. Ares began to thrust gently in and out of the tight passage, each movement rubbing against the fleshy little button inside and causing small convulsions to ripple through Joxer's body. He moved his hand, still slick with oil, under Joxer's shirt to his chest, pinching the hard little nubs there. He rubbed his palm against the smooth skin, pulling his lover as close to him as possible. Continuing his slow thrusts, he moved his hand lower to the hard, needy cock that impatiently awaited his touch. "Ares..." the pleading voice whispered. Joxer quivered in appreciation as the hand enclosed his cock in a firm grip, moving in gentle strokes to match the motion inside him.

Ares held Joxer tight, restricting his movements, as he maintained his unhurried probing of his husband's willing flesh. Their excitement built, but their pace remained steady. Bodies growing slick with sweat, the two gods writhed together in silent abandon, the stillness of the camp occasionally broken by a soft sob or quiet moan as the slow, gentle loving continued for several endless minutes.

"Oh love, you're so tight, so hot!" Ares panted in Joxer's ears. "Gods, how I love you!" Joxer whimpered, gasping for breath, his lover's words filling his soul. "I'm so close. I want you to cum when I do." Ares sped the movement of his hips slightly, his thrusts becoming more forceful. Joxer tensed and shuddered, his cock throbbing with pent-up desire.

In a husky, commanding voice, Ares growled, "Now, love, cum for me now!" and tilted Joxer's head around, taking his mouth in a forceful kiss. Joxer let out a cry, muffled by Ares' mouth on his, as he exploded, his cock releasing spurt after spurt of creamy fluid. Feeling the tight passage pulsating around his cock was too much for Ares, and he pushed in one last time, yelling hoarsely as he orgasmed, his cum pouring out into his husband's receptive body.

The two lay tangled together, sticky and sweaty. Eventually, Ares removed his hand from his husband's softened cock. Raising it to his face, he gazed into Joxer's eyes as he slowly licked the glistening juices from it. Joxer's eyed widened, and he drew Ares in for another kiss. Both sighed in loss as Ares' cock slipped from Joxer's body.

Ares gently stroked Joxer's skin as the two continued exchanging soft kisses. "Sleep now, my precious one," he murmured. Joxer snuggled back, sighing in a satisfied manner before falling quickly into a deep sleep. Ares continued his petting motions for a time, then with a sound of regret, pulled away. Before he faded out, Ares cleaned his lover with a thought, restoring him to his fully-covered state. Joxer smiled sweetly, dreams of his handsome God filling his mind.

Joxer awoke and stretched. Memories of the previous night brought a loving smile to his face, and his eyes darkened in remembered passion.

"Good, you're finally awake."

Joxer started, carefully blanking the expression on his face and sitting up to face Xena.

"We're about ready to break camp. We leave as soon as you get ready." With that, Xena walked brusquely away.

Joxer snorted. Now, there's a sight to wake up to. Not. He fondly recalled yesterday morning's 'wake-up call' for Ares. Now that was how a morning should start -- and it didn't matter which...position you happened to be in! Then he sighed and shook himself, moving to gather his things. He was quickly ready, and found the two women a short distance away. Gabrielle was speaking softly to Xena, who sat semi-uncomfortably on Argo's back. Joxer listened in.

Gabrielle smiled bashfully. "Anyway, I'm really sorry about my temper yesterday...it's just, the day kind of overwhelmed me. I'll be ok now. It's not like it can get any worse!"

Xena chuckled ruefully. "I suppose you've got a point there!"

Joxer smirked.

Strife giggled wildly as he set the stage for the first 'encounter' in his repertoire. Wasn't it just handy that there happened to be a small band of thieves roving in this part of the woods? Hearing a voice belting out a familiar song, his smile grew and his eyes sparkled with malicious amusement. "It's showtime!"

Xena rode stiffly down the path, followed closely by a limping Gabrielle. Joxer trailed behind, humming to himself and occasionally singing a line or two of The Song out loud. The two women gritted their teeth.

They had travelled for an hour or so when Xena reigned Argo in sharply, tensing and looking around. Gabrielle noticed her friend's behavior and readied her staff.

"What is it, Xena?" she whispered.

"There's someone -- " she broke off, then vaulted from her perch to land, sword drawn, beside Gabrielle.

Joxer hung back slightly, knowing something was about to happen. He saw a flash out of the corner of his eye, and glanced toward it. There, lounging indolently against a tree, stood his son. Joxer smirked. Oh goody!

Suddenly, half a dozen men rushed from the surrounding woods, attacking the women. Xena began to swing her sword, while Gabrielle twirled her staff. Then it started.

As Gabrielle's staff descended toward one of the men's head, Strife pointed and let loose a burst of energy. When the blow landed, the force of it, instead of knocking the man out, snapped the staff in two. He then turned toward Xena, who was fighting off two more bandits. Another burst of power, and Xena's sword slipped from her grasp, flying away to land in the brush. One last blast spooked the horse, who jerked wildly and sped off into the woods, leaving his burdens behind. Strife laughed uproariously. With a wink to his father, he left the scene of chaos to find Argo, mumbling to himself, "Gotta make sure Xena don't get 'em back too soon."

Gabrielle stared in disbelief at the broken piece of wood in her hand, and the man in front of her laughed, pushing her down and grabbing her pack. She vaguely heard Xena curse vividly, but her attention remained on what had been, until now, a very stout weapon.

For her part, Xena gaped as she felt the sword fly from her grip, then cursed when she saw Argo spook and disappear into the woods. Turning back to the men, who had just snatched up the packs left in the dirt by Argo's hasty retreat, she snarled. Raising her arms, she prepared to launch a few kicks and punches on the bandits.

Glancing around to make sure he was unobserved, Joxer sent a small flash toward Xena, causing her to stumble mid-swing. She fell to the ground with a grunt, giving the bandits just enough time to make off with their spoils.

Ares rubbed his forehead tiredly. It was ridiculously easy to manipulate these two mortals, but it was certainly as tedious as Hades! Still, he had managed to get both generals thinks about their history with Xena, remembering with hatred their supposed 'rival'. With a little more judicious pushing, they would both be on edge at the meeting before the battle. Hopefully, when Xena showed up, the men would realize who the other was and try to destroy each other in vengeance, each hoping to defeat a perceived enemy and somehow win the warrior princess back. Mortals! They can be so...pathetic!

He sighed. Deciding to get back to the generals tomorrow, he wondered what his lover was up to. His eyes darkened with desire, and he flashed out.

Gabrielle remained sitting on the path, looking around blankly. "Xena? What...what just happened?"

Xena ignored her, dusting herself off and calling repeatedly for Argo. Her irritation grew when he failed to answer her summons. "Where in Tartarus did that blasted animal get himself to!"

Joxer piped up timidly, "Umm, maybe he's hurt or something. We should probably go look for him." He flinched as Xena turned a ferocious glare to him. "Yeah, um, I'll just, I'll look over there." Pointing toward the direction opposite the path he had seen the horse take, Joxer quickly moved off.

Xena sneered at what she took for incompetence, then turned to follow the tracks the horse had left behind.

Gabrielle glanced around at the now-deserted path. "Yeah, I guess I'll just, stay here and wait. In case Argo comes back." She looked back down at her broken staff.

Joxer walked quickly for a few minutes. Pausing, he listened closely to make sure no one had followed him. Having determined he was alone, he leaned against a tree and collapsed into helpless laughter. Tears streaming down his cheeks, he howled, gasping for breath. He had just about calmed himself down when he hard a silky voice in front of him.

"Looks like you're having a good day!"

Joxer looked up at his lover, and once again cracked up. He peered at Ares through his tears, then sent him a vivid image replaying the scenario. Ares' smile grew until he too burst into laughter.

When the two had finally calmed enough to hold an actual conversation, Joxer looked over at Ares. "So...how's your day been going?"

Ares snorted softly. "Obviously not as good as yours. I just needed...a little something to cheer me up." His gaze dropped suggestively to Joxer's groin.

"Hey! Watch what you're calling 'little'!" The indignant protest was abruptly silenced as Ares knelt and reached inside his lover's pants and drew out his rapidly hardening cock. "Oh!"

Ares grinned, and squeezed the organ softly. Hearing a gasp, he lowered his head and licked at the slit.

Joxer moaned and bucked upwards, trying to force his cock into Ares' mouth, but the hands now pressing on his hips kept him in place.

Ares tongued the pulsing cock, enjoying the taste of the salty fluid that leaked out. He moved between Joxer's widespread legs, continuing to suck lightly on the head. As he swirled his tongue around the fleshy tip, he looked toward Joxer's face, taking in his flushed and panting image. He hummed softly, amused by the intense reaction this produced.

Joxer trembled at the vibrations the humming produced against his cock. He twisted frantically, trying to press more of himself into his lover's hot mouth. He screamed as suddenly Ares opened wide and took in his entire length. The sucking intensified, muscles rippling around his sensitive flesh. Joxer thrust into the welcoming cavern repeatedly, than convulsed as his pleasure overcame him.

Ares moaned in appreciation as his lover fucked his mouth, swallowing rapidly as the organ pulsed and released its load into his throat. When the cock inside his mouth softened, he pulled away, licking the remaining traces of semen from the limp flesh. He stood and bent over Joxer, pressing a demanding kiss to his lips.

Joxer opened his mouth, allowing the searching tongue entrance. He groaned as he tasted himself on his lover, than gasped as Ares ground his hips against his thigh. "Mmmm....you're still hard. Let me..." Ares pushed his groping hands away.

"Not now, love." Ares pulled back and leered at Joxer. "I think I'll just save it for tonight." With a last passionate kiss, he flashed out.

Joxer let his head fall back against the tree trunk. "Oh...my...God." His mouth stretched wide in a grin, anticipating the coming, pun most definitely intended, evening.

Xena tugged at Argo's reigns. How in Tartarus did he manag to get so tangled up in this wretched bush! Finally wrenching the offending bits of leather free, she drew the horse away, frowning as she noticed him favoring a leg. Examining the appendage, she let out a frustrated yell as she saw the wound. It was not large enough to be dangerous, but would certainly keep her off his back for a few days. And that would be after a day of rest. She cursed some more.

Returning to the 'scene of the crime', she saw Gabrielle still sitting looking shell-shocked. Snapping her fingers in front of the unresponsive form, she said loudly, "Wakey, wakey! Come on, pull yourself together!" Gabrielle blinked, her gaze slowly focusing on the irate warrior.

"Oh, there you are. Where's Joxer?"

"Damned if I know. Here, look after Argo, he's injured. I need to find my sword." She dropped the reigns in front of the bard and stalked of in search of her missing weapon. Finding it quickly, she held it up triumphantly, her expression souring as she noticed a large nick in the blade. She snarled, "Gods! This trip is really starting to annoy me!" She moved back to the path and pulled Gabrielle to her feet.

The two looked up as Joxer came into sight, flushed and short of breath. Xena glared at him. What a moron, chasing off after a horse with no idea of where it had actually gone!

"Where have you been?" When he moved to reply, Xena interrupted, "Never mind. Come on you two, Argo can't travel anymore today. We need to find a place to set up camp." With that, she moved quickly away, and Joxer and Gabrielle trailed off after her.

Joxer lay in his bedroll, listening to his companions' breathing slow as they dropped into a deep slumber. He grinned as he felt a warm body materialize behind him. A husky voice whispered in his ear, "Hey gorgeous, did you miss me?"

Joxer hid a smirk as he watched the women move stiffly, breaking camp with much less energy than the day before. He shifted, wincing slightly at the residual discomfort from last night's...exertions. His cock stiffened slightly with remembrance, his still-tender passage throbbing deliciously, and he smiled wistfully.

Gabrielle glared across the camp at Joxer, noticing his relaxed appearance. Moving closer to Xena, she whispered, "Is it just me, or is Joxer actually managing to escape the last couple of days relatively unscathed. And why is he so damned cheerful in the morning!"

Xena tilted her head thoughtfully. "It is kind of...odd. He usually manages to get into some kind of trouble fairly quickly. Not to say he hasn't had his share of little accidents, but nothing close to what we've gone through! Still, I suppose even he has to have a good day here and there."

"Yeah, but it's weird that his good day seemed to coincide with our bad one!"

Xena shrugged. "Don't worry about it. It's just one of those things. After all, this is Joxer we're talking about." She sighed. "We'd better get a move on. We're not going to be able to travel as quickly with Argo injured. Damn! This trip is taking a lot longer than I anticipated."

"Tell me about it! And for once, we can't even blame it on Joxer. I mean, it's not like he's responsible for our bad luck of late!"

The trio continued their journey, further delayed by the many inexplicable misfortunes that had plagued them. About a week after they had left Lania, they finally came into view of the prospective battlefield.

Xena noticed the gathering in the center of the field. "Damn! I had hoped to get here before they started this!"

Gabrielle glanced at her. "Why? What are they doing?"

Joxer spoke up. "It's a meeting to see if they can resolve their differences without an actual fight. They tend not to, though." The women turned toward him in shock. "Um, uh, you know, warlord father and all. I kinda picked up some stuff." They stared at him strangely for a few more seconds, the looked away.

"Yes. Well. Actually, he's right Gabrielle. I wanted to keep the situation from reaching this point; it usually ends up being a sign of the start of the battle. I'm sure I can still work with this, though. I just need to get down there and find the people in charge. I'll talk some sense into them. And if talking doesn't work..." she trailed off, lip curling derisively.

Gabrielle licked her lips nervously. "Yeah, um, ok. Just...try not to lose it out there, Xena."

Xena shot her a fierce look. "Right. Whatever. All right then, Joxer you stay up here and...keep an eye on the armies, watch out for any...unusual behavior, things like that."

"Right! Can do! I'm your man!" Joxer puffed his chest out, trying to exude a commanding aura. Gabrielle and Xena cleared their throats, then turned to walk toward the gathering.

As they left, Joxer snickered softly. Once they had moved out of sight, he faded out, reappearing next to his husband to watch unseen as events unfolded. Strife flashed in as well, smirking and letting out the occasional giggle. Ares growled, "This had better work!"

The women strode confidently into the midst of the group of warriors. Xena glared threateningly at anyone who looked like they might object, and the men shrank back intimidated. Reaching their destination, Xena cleared her throat loudly. "Excuse me, I think we have a bit of a problem here."

The two opposing generals turned menacingly toward the intruders. Their mouths gaped open, and they exclaimed in unison, "Xena!?"

Hearing her name like that caused Xena to look closer at the astonished men. Her eyes widened in recognition. "Makus! Petronis!" Her voice squeaked on the names. She quickly realized her mistake when they turned to glare at each other.

"You're Makus!" "You're Petronis!" The two angry shouts overlapped.

Makus cast a disparaging look at his opponent. This...this...puny excuse for a warrior is why Xena left me? And took my army with her too! By the gods...she probably did that for him in order to earn his favor. The bitch! He snarled at the other general.

Petronis sneered derisively at the Athenian general. This disgusting specimen of manhood was the reason Xena dumped me? And she managed to steal away my army in the process. Oh, gods...I bet she gave control of my men to him. The bitch! He began to growl. "You're a dead man, Makus! No one fucks with me and my warriors!"

"Oh no, Petronis. It's you who are going to die tomorrow!" Makus spat out. "You ruined everything for me, you bastard!"

As the two continued to fling scathing insults at each other, Gabrielle whispered to Xena, "I don't get it. What's with them?"

Xena flushed a bright red and didn't answer. Instead, in an attempt to salvage the rapidly declining situation, she stepped forward and shouted, "Hey!"

The generals paused and turned angry stares to her. She swallowed, then continued in a slightly calmer voice. "Now guys, all of that happened a long time ago. We're different people now. Let's just let bygones be bygones and figure a peaceful way out of this."

They gazed at her in disbelief. Makus was the first to find his tongue. "You have got to be joking! No way in Tartarus am I going to let this one go. This is personal!"

Petronis snorted in agreement. "Forget it, Xena. This has gone way beyond you. I will not let this insult pass!"

The generals glared at each other again, then each stalked off to his own camp.

Gabrielle watched the retreating forms, brow wrinkled in confusion. "Um, Xena..." Her voice trailed off as Xena strode determinedly after Petronis. "Oh, boy." She followed quickly.

Ares snickered as the scene unfolded. When the generals stormed off the field and he saw Xena move after Petronis, he turned to his companions. "Well, shall we?" he asked mischievously. His husband and son exchanged humorous glances.

"Oh yes, let’s!" "Bitchin’!" The trio flashed out and reappeared in the Theban general’s tent.

Petronis had just flung himself into a chair in his tent, reaching for a jug of wine, when he heard a slight noise. Looking up, he saw the warrior princess making her way across the tent, her blonde friend not far behind. He sneered and looked her up and down. "Well, well, come begging after me again? What’s the matter, Makus wouldn’t have you either? I may hate the man, but at least he shows a bit of taste." He stood and began pacing.

"Petronis, it’s not like that! Look, I’m not the same person I used to be, it’s different now and - -"

"Different! Well, forgive me if I’m just a little skeptical about that! Tell me, why exactly did you decide to show up here, hmmm? Were you trying to take control of both armies this time? Perhaps you’ve decided to go after bigger prey."

Xena clenched her teeth angrily. "Actually," she spat out, "I was trying to help find a more peaceful resolution to this. There's no need for it to come down to a fight."

"Gods! Your goals may have changed, but inside you’re no different. You’re still a manipulating bitch, just like you were years ago. Always trying to get everything to go the way you want it, the way you think it should." He shook his head. "Oh, you are so wrong - there is a need for this fight. And I will win." He sat down again, leaning back in his chair smugly. "After all, I have the full support of my god; as a matter of fact, I’ve even spoken to him personally about the situation. I have Ares behind me in this; I no longer have any use for a slut like you."

"Hey, you can’t talk about Xena that way!" Gabrielle’s interjected her protest loudly.

Petronis snorted and curled a lip at her before dismissing her completely. Turning back to Xena, he scoffed. "Why don’t you just go home, girl. The battlefield is no place for your kind. As a matter of fact, I’d say that showing up there could be a distinctly...terminal decision for you to make."

Xena glared at him, fuming. "Be that as it may Petronis. But I promise you, this is not over! We’ll just see how tomorrow turns out, shall we?" With that, she turned her back on him and stalked out, Gabrielle once again trailing after.

Joxer shifted slightly. "Well, that...wasn't quite what I had planned." Ares stared at him intently, eyes narrowed. He went on hastily, "But it works! The whole idea is still sound, everything should go basically as we set out."

Ares scoffed. "Sure, only now, we have to make sure Xena doesn't manage to get dead in the process!"

Strife looked at his fathers hesitantly, then spoke up. "Um, guys? Maybe I'm missin' sumthin', but um...why 'xactly do we gotta do that? I mean, why don't we jus' let her get herself killed?"

Joxer blinked. He stared at his husband in perplexity. "That's...a good question. You know, I-I can't really remember. Ares, why do we try to keep her alive?"

Ares thought for a moment. "I don't know -- she's good for laughs?"

Strife and Joxer exchanged a wide-eyed look and shrugged. "Cool." "Works for me"

They left the tent, Joxer returning to Xena and Gabrielle while Ares and Strife went to spy on Makus.

The women stood at the edge of the battlefield. Gabrielle glanced at her friend. "Well, that was less than successful. Xena, what exactly did I miss back there?"

Xena sighed. "Just some less than pleasant history between us. Both Makus and Petronis have reason to hate me. There is bad blood between them because of it. Damn! I wish to Hades I had known who they were before going in there. I would have spoken to them separately in the first place."

"So...is that it then? We just give up?"

Xena snorted. "Not likely! I said if they didn't listen, I'd find some other way to persuade them. We'll just have to knock some sense into them tomorrow before the battle starts. For now, let's find Joxer and set up camp for the night."

"Hey you're back!" Joxer stood and brushed himself off, shaking the leaves from his hair. "I was, you know, keeping watch. Nothing to worry about; no one came anywhere near here. So how did it go? Everything ok now? Did you stop the war?" He snapped his mouth shut as Xena glared steadily at him. When she stomped off, he turned toward Gabrielle. He scratched his head, a puzzled look on his face. "I don't get it. Did I say something wrong?"

Gabrielle sighed. "I'm sure it's nothing, Joxer. Just...go to sleep. Everything will work out tomorrow."

"Um, ok then. I'll, yeah, just sleep then." He went to spread out his bedroll, and settled down.

Gabrielle stared off after Xena, worried.

Xena watched as the two armies prepared to face off. "Gabrielle, you come with me. Joxer, stay here and try to keep out of trouble, all right?" The women moved off to avert the upcoming battle.

"Keep out of trouble? Kinda hard when you're the God of it, huh Dad?" Joxer turned to face his son, smiling in agreement. "Oh hey, Pops says get your gorgeous ass over there pronto, his words not mine. Looks like the fightin' is startin'."

Joxer nodded briskly. "Right. Let's go."

Xena forcibly held the generals apart. "Just calm down! There is no need for this!" They stopped struggling, and she released them. "Now, let's talk about this rationally." Tapping her chakram against her leg to discourage any more violent outbursts, Xena began. "So...why exactly are we here, hmm?"

The two men remained stubbornly silent. Xena saw Makus' eyes dart swiftly to something behind her, then return to her. She stiffened as she heard a slight rustle.

"Xena, look ou--mph!" She turned to see her friend snatched by a burly warrior, his hand covering her mouth. Snarling, she moved toward them, only to be stopped by four more warriors who stepped in front of her. A feral light gleamed in her eyes as she prepared to defend herself. Aware of Gabrielle's struggles, she lashed out quickly. The first blows had barely landed when she heard another voice.

"Don't worry Xena! I'll help! Joxer the Mighty will rescue you!"

As Joxer bumbled into view, Xena groaned. Great! Why can't that fool just do as he's told for once? Gods, maybe he'll manage to knock himself out before he can hurt anyone else -- namely me or Gabrielle!

Xena cursed as, instead, he drew closer to her and tripped, falling against her and knocking her to the ground. She looked up in time to witness Makus drawing his sword and thrusting it into the chest of one of Petronis' guards. Bright red blood gushed out of the wound and he fell to the ground, turning unseeing eyes her way. She struggled up, hearing the fighting begin in earnest. Grinding her teeth together, she turned back to her opponents, only to find them attacking Joxer. One managed to get in a blow that struck him on the back of the head, felling him.

Gabrielle had managed to get away from her attacker, sporting a few cuts from a knife he had pulled. Without her staff, it was difficult to deflect his blows. She looked to see Joxer sprawled on the ground, seemingly lifeless.

Xena fought off the men who had come after her once they had downed Joxer. Bending over, she hoisted the would-be warrior’s limp form and called for Gabrielle. "Come on, we have to get out of here!"

Gabrielle rushed to her side. "Is he all right?"

"For now..." Xena snarled threateningly. "It's too late to do anything to help here -- these men are out for blood. They'll be after us in force once one of the generals is killed. With Joxer hurt, we can't stay around for that. I should check out your cuts too, that one on your forearm looks bad." With that, she began to make her way from the increasingly chaotic scene. Gabrielle followed, on the lookout for any more attacks.

"Well, it could have been worse. At least we all got away without getting hurt...well, too much anyway. That's something, isn't it?" Joxer held a wet cloth to the growing bump on his head and grinned at his companions sheepishly.

"Look Joxer!" Xena rounded on him angrily. "I am this close to doing something to you I might regret! There is no excuse for what happened today. I specifically told you to stay put! Do you have any idea the damage you've caused?" She threw her hands up, too overcome to go on.

Gabrielle scowled at Joxer, whose grin had faded rapidly. "Thanks to you, a whole lot of innocent people are out there this very minute dying! Don't you ever stop and think about what you're doing? Look, I just...we just can't handle being around you for a while, ok? Maybe you should leave. Give Xena, give us both some time to cool down." The way she said it made it clear that it wasn't a suggestion. Xena came to stand behind her in support.

Joxer hung his head sadly, then turned and walked forlornly away from the two women. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw them glaring after him with angry expressions on their faces. His shoulders slumped, and he sighed. Once he was about a mile away, however, he straightened. With a flex of power, his armor was removed and replaced by his customary leather pants and silk shirt. With a grin, he vanished, intent on rejoining his husband and son.