A Schoolboy's Prayer by Lewis Grizzard

O Lord, hear my anxious plea.
Algebra is killing me.
I know not of "x" or "y,"
And probably won't until the day I die.
Please, Lord, help me at this hour
As I take my case to the highest power.
I care not for fame or loot,
Just help me find one square root.

Latin and Grammar are also trouble.
Guide me through this daily double.
And, Lord, please let me see
One passing mark in Chemstry.

Lord, why am I such a dope in school?
My teachers think I'm such a fool.
One said, "Son, you're a horried flop
You bent the saw and failed at shop."
My days in class are filled with remorse.
I can't even pass the easiest course.
I hunkered down and bowed my neck,
But I burnt the cake and flagged Home Ec.

In English Lit, I studied hard
And read all the words of the Bard.
But my mind is like a hateful Judas.
It couldn't recall, "Et tu, Brutus?"

Lord, will there ever be
A tougher subject than History?
Into the past I steadfastly delve,
From Plymouth Rock to 1812.
I learn of all those patriotic folk,
From John Q. Adams to James K. Polk.
But test time comes and I fall on my tail.
Was it Patrick Henry or Nathan Hale?

Lord, must I offer an apology
For three times failing Biology?
Why is it I'm in such a fog
Concerning the innards of a frog?
I push and strive and strain and grope
To come to terms with the microscope.
Lord, please forgive my derision,
But who gives a hoot for cellular division?

Lord, I wish that I could vanish
When the teacher calls on me in Spanish.
And I promise, it's a cinch,
I'll never learn a word of French.

Down in gym I take P.E.
Calisthenics will be the death of me.
I have all the grace of a mop.
I made an "F" in side straddle hop.

Lord, is there anything I can't flub?
Will I ever be in Beta Club?
I have never found the key to knowledge,
And my folks want me to go to college.
Oh, such a thing I constantly dread.
I'd as soon join the Marines instead.

Lord, please give me a sign
That you've been listening all this time.
If you will help, I'll give my all,
And won't even chew gum in study hall.
Please lead me out of this constant coma,
And give me a chance at my diploma.
Let others fight for church and state.
I pray only to graduate.

Amen.

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