SOUTHERNERS

The Top 30 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered north, and no matter how much the skunks are threatening...

30. I'll take "Victorian Poetry" for $1,000, Alex"

29. We don't keep firearms in this house

28. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

27. You can't feed that to the dog

26. I thought Graceland was tacky

25. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe

24. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

23. We're vegetarians

22. Do you think my hair is too big?

21. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy

20. Honey, do the bonsai trees need watering?

19. Who's Richard Petty?

18. Give me the small bag of pork rinds

17. Deer heads detract from the decor

16. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today

15. Trim the fat off that steak please

14. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso

13. The tires on that truck are too big

12. I've got it all on a floppy disk

11. Unsweetened tea tastes better

10. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

9. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl

8. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams

7. Checkmate

6. She's too old to be wearing a bikini

5. I don't have a favorite college team

4. … and be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side

3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer

And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is...

1. Duct tape won't fix that

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