"Bloody hell Kay Neich, you were always such a tough bitch, why’dya have to turn so weak?", I thought, "coz you saw that strength turned against you in someone else who had similar, and you don’t want to end up bitter, and twisted and chronically self-involved in the long term, like that on guard with so many self-defences…"

It does get weird, everything is often a sheer breeze and I'm told to relax......... no need to cross every t. in some situations, people have said I've had an eye on so much detail, that they feel not quite trusted by me. Other times it is the Spanish Inquisition upon me and I'm totally shocked and illprepared.

The man himself, I felt, had far more going for him to be discounted just because of a few things he seemed to still put forward in lacksidaisial ways…. I ask if this situation should therefore be excused. Yes, it should ; but I do want to explain to the extent that I know that I became a real pathetic shell and feel I've let down many who have put so much faith in me. Even I could not stand, nor live, with what I had let myself become at the time.

Did I also incidentally end up treating people who got close to me as badly? If that was a consequential result of what I had to do, I'd rather waste away. But then I had to assert myself to get anywhere so that I could at least carry my own weight. Was that all he was doing, and I, of all people, couldn't even have understanding for him towards that? Was I a fraud?

I didn’t want to bounce back into my own life with an excessive and unrelenting self-esteem of my own. Nor did I want to insist on creating a rigid reality to impinge on others.…..

I hope I'm well on the way to regaining and growing again in the capacity for intimacy and feeling as I thought I used to be. The original main menu is on http://www.oocities.org/kayneich/zero. However, the pretext should be enough, http://www.oocities.org/kayneich/pretext.