|
Norm is a very nice cat and thus deserves his own page. Norm is a fuzzy, cute little cat with a very distinctive personality. He is also stuffed, but that is another issue alltogether. The taxidermist did a very good job and norm looks just like he did before he was stuffed, i.e. when he was a pile of rags.
Norm is well loved by his family and his opinion is held in high esteem by his caretakers. Thus they decied that such a prime example of the feline species deserved a place on the web.
This Site is No longer being updated at all. The version included here is minus all sounds and graphics (you can thank me for that later) and ends somewhere in 1999 or early 2000. Hopefully people will still find it amusing as I wasted time writing it :)
Norm has recently announced his engagement to a very lovely two-litre bottle of coke. No one is quite sure what to make of this (including Coca-Cola) but norm is very insistent it happen.
Norm thinks that a vegas marriage is not out of the question though he doesn't want Elvis to perform it.
He wants Garfield.
More information will be given as the engagement continues!
Some of the more information: as can be seen from Norms Diary, Norm has been having problems with his fiance since she suspects him of really loving Pepsi (mother of his illegitimate child Meow)or Mademoiselle Lucille, a pig he befriended recently. Whether the Two-Litre bottle of coke is right will remain to be seen but she has refused to discuss any wedding plans and will not even hear Norm's name if it is mentioned to her. Friends are worried that the engagement could go sour.
Newsflash! As of late 1998, the "marriage" has been called off, due to (among other things) infidelity, tempers, spontaneous combustion and bad luck. However, a marriage with Pepsi may be in the works for Norm and his former fiancee is said to be dating another gal called RC Cola. Stay Tuned!
Norm's Diary
This is simply Norm's diary of his life, following from 1997 - 1999. Enjoy :)
THE CAST:
Norm - the grey cat who is the star of his life
Lucille - A pig who befriends Norm
Meow - Norm's son
Pepsi - Norm's close friend and mother of Meow (Need I say more?)
Two Litre Bottle of Coke, The - Norm's (technical) fiancee for a few months
Also various politicians, celebrities and other odd people.
1997
March 12
Norm has made a new friend this day called Mademoiselle Lucille. Lucille is a very nice pig and gets along well with Norm. However, rumours abound that Norm's fiancee (the bottle of coke) is getting jealous of Norm and Lucille! Trouble could be in the air . . . and Norm may have to do some fast talking to get out of this situation.
March 15
In an amazing piece of investigative reporting, Norm's prospective fiancee, the 2 Litre bottle of Coke, has revealed that Norm the Cat, under the alias Norm de Cat, sired an illegitimate son named Meow and never told her about it! Norm has refused to give any comment to her and his present whereabouts is unknown. She is afraid that he has left her for someone else named "Pepsi," who is the mother of Meow. Nothing has been confirmed yet.
March 16
Norm has been found and where he has been since the story of his son Meow broke out shocked even his jilted fiancee who said: "I wouldn't have been surprised to find him [Norm] in the Pound since a simple kennel is too good for him!" It turns out that Norm has been arrested for trafficking the illegal substance known as Catnip! An alert officer of the law found herself getting unaccountably excited near Norm and decided to have him frisked on a hunch. While combing through his fur, she discovered traces of Catnip on his paws and arrested him on the spot.
The amount of his bail has not been disclosed as yet but it purportedly sent his fiancee into an epileptic fit and she nearly became carbonated due to her agitated mental state. She has been continually muttering "The horror! The horror!" but no one is sure if this is a reference to the bail, the scandal, or Norm himself.
She was rushed to the Veterinarian at once and is listed in stable condition at the moment and the Vet says she will likely recover quickly. The arresting officer said that if she dies, then Norm will be charged with murder also!
Norm was unavailable for comment as he is being questioned but he feels reasonably confident that Mademoiselle Lucille, his new friend, will bail him out if his wife fails to. Meow said that he did not know his father so he could not comment on the case. Norm's mistress, Pepsi, was, uhm, unavoidably detained by the press and was, uhm, too busy to be questioned. Her only response to anything was "Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, Yes!" but she did not seem to be answering our questions but those of the other members of the press. Rumours have it Pepsi may be arrested for indecent exposure after her, uh, questioning by the more enthusiastic members of the press but that might put her in the same cell as Norm, a fact that his fiancee would find intolerable.
A friend of the fiancee said that if Norm and Pepsi were in the same cell, that would be the only reason the Coke bottle would bail Norm out.
March 20
Norm was just released from prison today due to Mademoiselle Lucille posting bail. Pepsi was conspicuously absent among the crowd of friends greeting Norm and his fiancee refused to come see him. Norm arrived at the home they are sharing only to see that the locks on the cat door had been changed (It now swung out, not in) and she was refusing to speak to him. He spent the night out in the rain, yowling at her but she refused to let him in. Soaking wet the nest morning, and smelling like an old rug, Norm yelled up that he would sent the next night with Pepsi then.
Norm was then chased around the block by his fiancee who was screaming things at him that lovers rarely say. The neighbours were horrified by her language and some confide that the strain of this "situation" might be getting to her and that she should be locked up -- though they won't say it to her face.
Norm finally outran the Coke bottle and is planning on spending the week at Lucille's. That led the Coke bottle to spitefully say that "It would be like Norm to have a child with another species -- just look at Meow!" Lucille was reportedly shocked at the manners of the coke bottle and some think Norm will leave her because of the comment about Meow.
For now, Norm is just staying a Lucille's and hoping the issue will just blow over. Most think it will "blow over" much like a hurricane does and knock Norm flying but he remains optimistic. Some suspect this optimism is caused by some catnip he still has stashed somewhere. His court date has not been set yet.
March 22
Norms court day was set for Aril first [an auspicious date, yes?] and Norm reportedly laughed and said that the day was fine with him. Sources confirm that he has not left Mademoiselle Lucille's since "hiding" there from his fiancee. Meow apparently went their to visit his father but refused to speak about it to the press. Pepsi avoided a prison sentence for indecent exposure by, uh, "convincing" the DA to let her off the hook. She has refused to speak with the press about Norm, the Coke bottle or why her son visited Norm. She said that her son's life is his own and told the reporters to leave. Some think Meow was carrying a secret message from Pepsi but no one is sure.
March 25
Norm was seen getting groceries for Mademoiselle Lucille today and was mobbed by a crowd of curious pedestrians. Some of them were unfriendly and kept asking Norm about some sort of "glove" and a white bronco. Norm was highly confused by this and refused to respond to allegations that he had killed the Coke bottle and her boyfriend, mainly because his estranged fiancee was still alive. When he tried to point that out, the militant fanatics called it a government conspiracy and Norm just managed to escape without serious injury.
Some close friends of Norm's fiancee claim that she is dating someone else -- and that said person is also a her! The Coke bottle is said to be dating someone known as RC Cola! The Coke was not available for comment and has denied that she is having a four day lesbian fling to get back at Norm.
April 1
Norm was brought to court today to face charges of possessing catnip. Norm was taken by Pepsi in a car and they barely avoided smashing into a bridge because Pepsi's chauffeur was highly intoxicated and was having flashbacks of 'Nam while trying to avoid the press following (i.e. chasing) Norm. Quite a few members of the press apparently wanted a, uhm, "interview" with Pepsi at the time.
When they arrived at the courthouse, an unidentified person tried to shove a glove on Norm's paws and was yelling that he found the killer. No one knew what to make of this and presently a white bronco picked up his person and he went off to play golf and find the "real killers."
The judge, Mr. Eto, decided to have an actual trial and banned the press. He was then subjected to ten lawsuits for withholding information from the public. The press were let back in. Norm was asked to make an opening speech and stood up grimly to say: "Who is Norm De Cat? That is a question you have been asking yourselves and I am here to provide the answer. I am the cat who tried to stop the motor of my brain with catnip and did not succeed!" Anything else Norm may have wanted to say was lost in the uproar that followed.
When the judge asked Norm why Norm wanted to become a vegetable Norm replied that he was going to be a true vegetarian. When that did not suffice, he said that he was merely making a "metaphysical value-judgement" on his life. Judge Eto stopped the proceeding and placed Norm is jail for two days for contempt of court: Norm had dared use terms the judge could not understand. Upon hearing this, Norm bemoaned that "The bureaucratic institutional hierarchy, a nebulous, collective corporation-entity that was against all forms of individualism and personal expression, was seeking to infringe upon my verbal language-oriented oration that ought to be perceived and received by audio means utilising the ear and examined, inasmuch as this ill-informed citizenry can understand and comprehend my profound articulation of these issues facing our cultural identity." He then went on to say: "Is it my fault that this isthmus cannot hold itself together? I was merely extrapolating what any ignoramus Australopithecus could have inferred if they had applied their intellect and dynamic personal fortitude in this
extremely monumentous endeavour."
At that point, the judge began to froth at the mouth. The bailiff was forced to escort Norm to confinement while restraining Judge Eto, who wished to eat Norm. Eto screamed that Norm would need a dream team of lawyers to win this case and Norm is, in his own words, purportedly extremely anxious, nervous, filled with a sensation of disquietude, apprehension, misgiving and trepidation." The judge promptly suffered a small stroke and is being looked after by a doctor as we speak.
Norm's comments to the press about his "continuing incarceration" were so wordy that they could not understand him. When contacted for a statement, his estranged fiancee said that he was just being Norm and that if we killed him, he'd finally shut up. The continuation of the trial is in doubt.
April 9
Norm's trial was scheduled to continue today -- since the judge had calmed down and was not threatening to "skin the stinkin' thing" anymore. Reliable sources report that the judge was just joking.
[The same sources have also reported seeing the Easter Bunny hopping down a bunny trial with a scarecrow, a lion and a tin man while being chased by a dog. They are reliable since, along with an anonymous astronomer, they reported seeing the Easter Bunny escape in his IFO (Identified Flying Object -- it was a big Easter egg) and they claim that said egg, if it lands right, could be responsible for the circular shapes in farmers' fields that have up until now been blamed on peanut butter cups, of all things. This represents a breakthrough in Unsolved Mysteries. They also claim be discovered the Caramilk secret, but that is another tale altogether.]
Norm refused to have the cause tried on this day because it was Easter, a holiday, and he got many presents from friends then. After all why let a verdict of possession of drugs ruin your day?
April 10
A late breaking shocker!
Norm the cat has fled jail! Apparently some unidentified person or persons or people placed a file in one of Norms chocolate eggs and, instead of choking to death on it, he coughed it up as if it were a hair ball and picked the lock on his cell! Authorities are scrambling like mad to round of a posse and independent bounty hunters are seeking him for a large reward the press won't mention. [$10, 000 smackers! - The Editor]
One of the bounty hunters, a Yosemite Sam, was reported to say "Shhh! I'm hunting rabbits!" When finding out Norm was not a rabbit he loftily proclaimed that the cross-dressing rabbit can be any disguise and looked very oddly at the reporters and began to chase them, firing off his gun and screaming "I'll show you what's up, doc! Hahahahaha!!!" Officials fear for the public as this person has said they will kill the Easter Bunny and the government is worried that this could reduce children's morale if he succeeds and weaken the children's faith in the government, thereby weakening said governments chances of re-election in 20 years. They are getting involved and the Secret Services are reputedly following Pepsi, the Coke Bottle, RC Cola and Meow as well as Madame Lucille so that Norm will be caught if Norm goes near them. [But won't Norm realise this after reading this paper?! - The Editor]
Norms present whereabouts are unknown but some think he is with a friend of Madame Lucille's since most pigs are so dirty that the police won't go near them, let alone eat them -- possibly because they are Jewish police and don't like pork. Norm was not available for comment at this time and the newspaper office is rather busy -- trying to claim the reward!
April 20
The whereabouts of the mysterious cat named Norm are still unknown, despite the massive hunt for him led by the Sheriff of Nottingham into Sherwood Forest. Norm has so far eluded capture by jumping off a cliff since he is a fugitive and many other impressive deeds. He also contemplated stealing from the rich and giving to the poor but the poor begged him not to since the rich just increase the taxes in order to get more money. Norm then contemplated robbing the poor to give to the rich but government was doing a much better job of this than he ever could. Dejected, Norm settled for simply robbing anyone indiscriminately and without regard to race, sex, gender, species, age, height, weight, eye colour, ethnicity, status card, distinctness, bias or belief. He claimed to be defending true democracy.
May 1
Norm was arrested when he tried to flee from the country of the United States of America back into Canada. Norm was disguised as an Intern and hoped the President would let him in based on those, uhm, qualifications alone. To his horror, he was sent to Janet Reno instead and "prosecuted" to within an inch of his nine lives. Sickened and flea bitten, Norm fled the United States and decided to come to Canada where it was safer.
At least here he knew that if he tried anything with the Prime Minister's wife, he would be hit with an Inuit carving. The border guard mobbed him on the way in since they did not think that Jean Chretien had any use for an intern, though the leader of another party might in his home-that-was-not-a-bowling-alley . . . Being as horrified by this as he had been by Ms. Reno, Norm claimed to be a member of the Natural Law party. He was caught when his disguise (the little there was of it -- he was an intern, remember?) fell off. He is presently incarcerated again.
May 17
Norm was given his long-awaited sentence by Judge Eto today. The judge gagged Norm and refused to allow him to speak until spoken to, which turned out to be never. The judge decided that Norm was not a menace to society -- or at least not to the part of society most care about (i.e. the taxpayer's part of it) -- and was given a sentence of one day in jail and twenty hours of community service. The sentence was rather harsh since earlier the day, Judge Eto sternly gave Paul Bernardo five whole hours in jail for his crimes.
Amidst the howling about Norm's time in jail costing taxpayer's money, anti-animal activists declared that Norm's very existence was an affront to the human race since humans were obviously the superior race. (Look at how well they could destroy a world.) Could Norm do that in less than a hundred years?! They did not think so. Upon hearing of them, the Coke bottle dryly remarked that they should give Norm a chance. He might even succeed.
June 12
Norm was called before court again at the behest of his estranged fiancee. She claims that while he was visiting the United States he committed an unpardonable act of . . . murder!
Yes, Norm the Cat killed a young boy in Colorado while his friends looked on in horror. The only thing heard was the exclamation: "Oh my God, that ----ing cat just killed Kenny!" The children were available for comment but their remarks were unprintable and they did not seem as disturbed as they should have been over the death of their friend.
June 24
The first remark of Judge Eto was simply: "Not you again!" Norm merely smiled and asked to address the Jury. More than hesitant, Eto complied after putting ear muffs on. Norm cried out that he was just another cat.
"If you scorn us, do we not hurt; if you prick us, do we not bleed? Friends, Romans, Countrymen: I have been to the edge and back! I ask of you but one thing: give me liberty or give me death! Fourscore and a few days ago, my forefathers -- bloody
interfering ancestors -- set this plan into motion and my life was ruined. I appeal to the kindness I sense in you and the inner goodness of your hearts to rise above this foul world and set me free. I have a dream! You can lead a cat to water, but you can't make it swim. Never look a gift cat in the mouth, it might claw you! Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to free Norm or not to free Norm. You have not half the power to do me harm as I have to be hurt." he finished grimly.
The Jury returned and sent Norm out to do some more community service. Norm's reply was mostly unprintable but he said that obviously he needed new friends since a "Jury of his Peers" seemed to be mostly liars and scum. The Jury said nothing. On being told that they had been chosen because they were reasonable people, Norm has said a few choice words. "What do you mean? How do you define a "reasonable person?" If I am sane today and mad tomorrow, I was once reasonable and that part of me cannot be denied! We are all a little bit mad, it's obvious. Look at the shape of the world today: if that was not caused by madness we need to build more asylums." The rest of Norms accretion was drowned out by the mob that proceeded to chase him down the street, ignoring his protestations that their anger was merely causing more global warming.
Upon further reflection (when he got away) Norm thought their actions might indeed have had some merit if they could thaw Hillary Clinton. His continuous remarks of that sort lead many to believe that he is being watched by the CIA.
June 30
The CIA has found the Norm! Norm was arrested today for treason against the United States of America. The officer arresting the arrested turned out to be Norm's son, Meow! When asked to explain his actions, Meow said that: "You're tearing me apart!" to Norm and that Cain slew Able. When being informed that Cain and Able had been brothers, not father and son. Meow claimed it all to be semantics and ignored it. Norm proceeded to try and tear meow apart but the CIA stopped him.
Norm bitterly remarked that the apple not only fell far from the tree, it obviously was buried in the litter box and starved for oxygen during youth to explain such madness. When he tried to point out that he was NOT a citizen of the United States, the CIA merely laughed and said that the annexation of Canada was a mere formality since the U.S. owned it anyway. No one knows what Norm will do come Canada day, but it will likely be very impressive.
July 1
Norm was interviewed today by the CIA therapist, who reportedly asked him if his cup was full today. Norm replied that yes, he had filled the chamber pot in his cell. The conversation degenerated from there and the therapist is now seeking psychological help. He reportedly asked what his act of treason was but no one would tell him. They then proceeded to torture Norm with Garfield videos and reruns of Felix the Cat. Norm begged them to stop but they just laughed and began to play Heathcliffe also. At last notice, he was trying to claw his own eyes out and was singing the Canadian National Anthem.
July 10
Norm the Cat was freed by the CIA today and told that the charge of treason was dropped but that he should not impersonate an Intern again. Otherwise, he would become the intern of Bob Dole. Norm readily agreed and was sent to the border. He then proceeded to cross by bribing the border guards with Cuban Cigars. Norm the Cat returned to his home and began his service to the community by kissing the ground and blessing England's soil. Upon realising he was not in England, he cursed rather viciously.
His former fiancee, the Coke bottle, reportedly is suffering from a nervous disorder and having eating problems. She is now only a one-Litre bottle and her friends, especially RC Cola, fear she will become a 600 ml bottle soon. Norm simply said that she can finally now fit into her wedding dress again. The Coke bottle screamed when hearing this but then realised she could go out and do some shopping for smaller clothing. Norm is staying with Madame Lucille and refusing to speak with Meow.
July 19
Norm finally finished all his community service and his now a free cat. Upon realising he now has no money (except for a little bit of catnip the police never found and is saved for Christmas), he decided to join a Canadian nudist colony. However, the Norm was informed that he would have to engage in sex on a very regular basis. Taken aback, he asked why and the nudists informed him that it was necessary since they had a very high attrition rate due to the cold. He then considered attempting to collect Welfare in Ontario, he found to his shock that he would have to work in order to gain free money. Disgusted with the government, Norm contemplated becoming a Quebecois in order to gain status as a distinct entity but found out he had to learn Quebecois. He refused since he said he would rather learn French, a real language.
August 10
Upon further searching, Norm finally found an occupation worthy of his manifold skills. He has become a gravedigger and apprenticed to Dr. Kevorkian. Upon realising that Kevorkian only killed people, but did not bury them, Norm decided to find another career worthy of his many skills. (Note: The editor is uncertain as to why he has not tried being a simple house cat as of yet but assumes Norm is simply trying to be independent.) He contemplates becoming a squeegee kid but decides that he doesn't do windows. This also eliminates his becoming a maid. He decides to simply find a union to join and becomes a secretary.
October 11
Norm is managing his new job as a secretary rather nicely. By doing nothing and getting paid, he has a lot of time to spend with Pepsi and avoid the Two-Litre Bottle of Coke. he also attempts to find meow and bury the hatchet -- preferably in Meow's head. Pepsi begs Norm to not try and kills his son but Norm says that this time the kid has gone to far.
"He tried to kill me!"
"He was just feeling underl-loved!" Pepsi exclaimed and related the latest psychiatric evidence that being unloved can lead to running away. Norm replied that Meow had most definitely not "ran away" but had tried to force his father away into exile. Pepsi merely replied that Norm should have played more softball with his son. Rumour claims that Norm now thinks he is living in a very bizarre (and 1990's) Leave It To Beaver. He has taken to carrying around a baseball bat to find his darling son.
November 23
Norm's boss finally realised that Norm was being rather sloppy in his work habits, even for a public servant who is unionised However, when she hints at firing Norm, he replies that he will sue the union and company and government for discriminations and sexism. When the boss angrily replies that Norm cannot sue a female for discrimination, Norm replies: "Isn't that what equality is all about? If you can do it to me I can do it to you." Norm's boss goes to see a psychiatrist who reportedly worked for the CIA once. Upon hearing that Norm was the cat in question, he cried out "Why won't he just leave me alone?" And jumped out the window to his doom. Norm's boss was unable to find any other psychiatrist who would see her after that and Eventually slit her throat with a letter. Norm was promoted to her position since he reportedly entered her office and begged her to stop. Upon seeing Norm, she screamed out curses against Satan and stabbed herself with a letter opener, dying before the ambulance could get through the snow to reach her.
December 11
Norm is arrested shoplifting as he tries to get a nice Christmas present for Pepsi. He managed to get freed on a technicality when he reveals that it was actually a gift for the union boss. The rest of his shopping goes well save for the time he is mistaken for a Elmo and barely escapes with his life. Norm's Christmas is celebrated on December 27th, so he can take advantage of Boxing Day salves when buying other gifts as well as the fact that his Christmas will now be non-denominational since it does not fall on any holiday he knows of. To be safe, he plans to celebrate it in June of next year.
December 31
Norm decides to have no New Year's resolutions save to NOT live in interesting times. Not even his friend Lucille finds that a likely resolution for Norm but only time will tell . . . .
1998
January 8
Norm plans to claim he was involved in APEC so he can sue the government. However, the Ice Storm interferes with his plans by cutting off all the phone lines. Norm spends the time with Pepsi and speculates that the Ice Storm have make been caused by his former fiancee forgetting to use her Listerine. Survivors of the Storm try and lynch Norm for his callous attitude and Norm decides it would be best to leave the country for a time.
January 12
Norm saw Titanic today. He didn't think there were enough cats in it to suit him.
January 20
Norm finds his flight to sunny Yugoslavia accidentally re-routed to Iraq. Surprisingly, Norm and Saddam hit it off really well since Norm gives Saddam hints on how to tell his people about the dangers of democracy and the example of Russia in this regard. Saddam offers Norm the job as a spy for him but Norm refusing, saying he makes more money at his current job as a mid-level manager for a company. (No one is quite sure who is promoting Norm, but quite a few people would like it stopped.) Speaking of that, Norm phones his work to tell them he will not be in for a few weeks due to unforeseen circumstances and would like to request his vacation time for the year 2000 now. Norm figures that the Y2K problem will likely erase the fact that he already had his vacation for that year so he can have it again.
February 14
Norm spends Valentine's Day hiding in Iraq since for some reason Saddam wants to give him the "Kiss of Death." Apparently, some Iraqi's looked at Russia and developed a saw the flaws in the democratic system their (personified by Boris Yeltsin) and feel it could work in Iraq, especially since Saddam isn't sick often. Saddam calls Norm a capitalist swine! Norm replies that he is a cat, not a pig and uses the ensuing pause to flee the palace via Saddam's American car with an American cell phone and phones the Anti-Saddam faction of Iraq (all four of them). He then flees the country for the (alleged) greater safety of Canada. He then contemplates a trip to the United States to flee Saddam but realises his chance of dying their is higher than if he went to Cuba (he bases this on infant mortality rates) so he opts to remain in Canada and go back to his job.
March 28
Norm's life takes an unexpected turn as he is given divorce papers by his estranged (and, according to Norm, just plain strange) fiancee. He claims they never married and she argued that intent counted. Norm then shocked her by revealing he would never have married her in a Church like her family wanted! Norm claimed that he might spontaneously combust if he entered the hallowed ground -- especially if he actually managed to find a poor priest there. The lawyers meet (and meet and meet) and decide that Norm and the Two Litre Bottle of Coke can simply decree never to meet again. They agree, though norm does ask why coming to such a simple solution should cost him $41,000 in legal fees.
May 24
Norm finds out that his position -- in fact, the entire company -- is being axed due to the potential bank merger. Apparently the threat of the merger sent the Company's stock plummeting and, even worse, Alan Greenspan cleared his throat in an ominous way while mentioning the Company's parent branch in the United States. In short, Norm de Cat is now seriously in debt and unemployed.
June 5
News flash! Norm has been spotted trying to enter the U.S. and buy Viagra! Apparently, the stress he has undergone recently has, uhm, weakened his . . . reaction . . . to Pepsi and she is distraught. Pepsi revealing she had been an Intern with Jean Chretien only added to Norm's woes. Thankfully, Norm came to his senses and realised that Pepsi could never have had sex with the Prime Minister since Aline Chretien would likely have brained her with an Inuit carving and kicked Pepsi out the door.
August 20
Norm is now re-employed -- as a publicist for Meow Mix. They tell him that all he has to do is like the food in commercials and he will be paid more than even Garfield makes. However, Norm finds out that is co-star on the commercials is to be none other than [insert drum roll] Meow! Norm and Meow have a rather vocal conversation involving teeth, claws, screaming and concealed weapons. They are dragged apart by the stage crew (who are given a citizen's award for placing themselves in that kind of danger).
September 2
Norm is firmly but kindly told that Meow Mix does not require his services any longer. However, the compensation package he gets ensures that is lawyer is well paid and very happy. Maybe even happy enough to help Norm come tax time . . .
September 11
Norm is currently seeking a new form of employment -- this time as a social worker. Upon seeing the state of the town's municipal government and it's odd actions, he debates becoming a psychiatrist since he could make serious money off these people. He then decides to inform the city council that they all require social workers and somehow his employer is found to be violating a zoning law. Apparently, the city wants to turn the small building into the Chapters store the citizens want, despite the fact it couldn't hold your average small used book store.
October 9
Norm de Cat and Pepsi decide to take a vacation and travel to the east coast of Canada. However, Norm makes the mistake of trying some of the famous atlantic cod and ten fishermen chase him, screaming that he has just make them violate their quota. Norm tells them to find real jobs that last longer than three months and Pepsi barely manages to avoid a fight by buying everyone a round of drinks. Norm decides that vacations are simply not him -- and also that his insurance won't cover another one. He decides to become a freelance journalist/photographer so he can work from home.
October 20
Pepsi reveals to Norm that she is pregnant! Norm, half asleep, makes the grave error of asking who the father is. He spends the next week at Lucille's. Pepsi finally relents and allows him back into her home, which is fine by Lucille since Norm was shedding too often. Pepsi tells Norm that she is no sure whether she is going to keep the baby since it might ruin her figure. (With uncharacteristic tact, Norm does not tell Pepsi that her figure will be gone in five years anyway -- especially since he has no "form" to speak of.). Norm tells her that abortion is her choice and he will support her whatever choice she makes. However, looking at the state of his finances, Norm decides that having the child will ruin his life, and becomes religious in the hope that he can pray for her to make the choice his pocket book will like!
November 10
Pepsi decides that abortion is the only way to go, as having the child might interfere with her social life and her modelling career, which has been put on hold anyway as a result of her getting a pimple on her left knee. (Some might say this is a callous attack on modelling so the editors would like to point out that this is not the only reason Pepsi is not modelling: the day she found out about the pimple, she also gained half a pound.) However, they make the error of telling others about the abortion idea and it turns out that one of Lucille's friends is pro-life. So pro-life that he will kill Norm and Pepsi rather than let them refuse to bring a child into the world.
November 18
Norm and Pepsi arrive at the local abortion clinic only to find a friend of Lucille's picketing it and threatening to kill any doctor who performs an abortion. Norm tries to contact the police, but they claim that the friend has the right to speak his own mind. Norm contemplates contacting his lawyer, but then realises how much it would cost him! He decides to speak to the acquaintance himself.
"Look, friend, we are simply trying our but to stop over-population." To which the person replied: "Death is not the answer." Pepsi got angry and said that it was her body to do with as she pleased and that the "baby" was unable to live outside of her and thus a parasite to boot. The protester replied that she had to learn responsibility someday, and wouldn't if she kept evading her future -- which, being a woman, was to have children. Pepsi got so angry she literally ripped his sign out of his hands and . . .
We apologise profusely for the error, but the next scenes cannot be described as they may be read by impressionable children (and many adults who think like children) and should not be used or seen in polite society. Kids, don't try it at home -- in fact, don't even think of trying this anywhere.
When the protestor was freed with the jaws of life, he fled from Pepsi and joined the nearest monastery. The doctors performed the operation, at a cost only slightly lower than the legal fees of Norm's lawyer.
December 7
Pepsi bitterly remarks that abortion is not the best way to ring in Christmas. Norm tells her that she could always attempt to shop for a Furby and be mauled in a mall by other people who will return to sanity a week after the new year. Pepsi ignores him and proceeds to get very, very drunk. Norm tells her that she could become an alcoholic and Pepsi says she already is: her father was and it is an inherited disease. Norm responds that it is her choice to drink or not to and thus it is only an addiction, much like drugs or smoking. Pepsi proceeds to throw various large bottles and Norm and Norm, fear a repetition of the Protester incident, spends a few days with Lucille.
December 19
Norm and Pepsi have agreed to seek counselling together (with someone who doesn't know who Norm is, natch). Pepsi needs AA advice, and Norm needs to become, well, less Norm-ish according to Pepsi. The shrink they visit soon devoutly wishes he could shrink and thus get away from his appointments with Norm. He does, however, like the ones with Pepsi a lot. Norm seems to bring out the worst in him, that being a homicidal tendency to rid the world of Norm. Norm's visits are quickly cancelled -- mostly due to the fact that the psychiatrist spends more visiting other psychiatrists after sessions with Norm than the amount of money Norm pays. Norm sulks for awhile, but then sells an article on the psychiatrist that is very -- revealing -- and destroys the man's practice in the city. In effect, it makes Norm's Christmas.
1999
January 1
Norm has made no new year's resolutions this year, on the basis that the one's he could make he will already fulfil (such as make more money and find Meow) and the other's (such as brining Viagra to Canada) and dreams he can't possibly fulfil. Thus, the resolutions seem like a waste of his time. Norm spends the night drinking and wondering if society will survive the next new year, just before the century turns (i.e. 2000, since the next century starts in 2001 -- just blame the monk who started the bloody system).
January 20
In an effort to avoid the Y2K problem, Norm decides to switch to the Jewish calendar and is now living in 5760. However, he has yet to program his personal computer to that year so only time will tell what the result will be (Pepsi said that his computer might celebrate Hanukkah instead of Christmas but Norm ignored her). However, Norm's freelance stories are beginning to puzzle his employer as he refers to dates that have yet to come. They think Norm may have gone off the deep end -- though why it took them this long to find out is anyone's guess. Norm's lawyer has rather firmly told him that his employers are not discriminating against him since Norm is not Jewish.
A religious conversion may lay in the future of Norm de Cat . . .
The web pages of Norm the Cat seem to require this legal note due to some of the content and questionable humour, especially regarding the United States and various political and public figures both there and around the world. To whit, the opinions expressed therein are not the opinion of any person, including the author. THIS SITE IS A PARODY. The opinions within it are merely cultural and political parodies on common issues and concerns people have and are not meant as an insult to any particular person, place or thing. If the comments on this page are taken as being offensive, you have our sincere apologies but that is not their intent.
Norm's page is intended as a political and cultural commentary covering whatever issues the author (and Norm) feel should be included at the time -- or are included to fill space between major events in the chronicle of Norm. Comments are questions about the content of this site (as well as requests for the removal of some content if it is perceived as being that offensive) can be sent to the author of the site. [Or could if the site was still running.]
As a final note: no one claims responsibility for how anyone might act based on the information in this site. Uttering many of Norm's comments in public would seem down right odd out of context (or in it, as the case may be) and the author assumes no liability for harm caused to people due to reading or repeating the words in this site. Also, all brand names are used entirely as a joke reference and are not meant to imply anything about the products or company's in general.
Other helpful warnings relating to this site:
Cats are not like Norm -- they will not (often) respond to conversation. Do not try this at home. In fact, don't try much at home. Cape does not enable user to fly. Norm is not real -- to clarify, Norm is stuffed. Reality is real (except where prohibited by law). This site should not be viewed by anyone under the (mental) age of 10. In fact, you shouldn't view it at all just to be on the safe side. The author of Norm's site might be real. God is not dead: He merely is AWOL. A biker is another name for a walking organ donor. Norm is, Norm was, and Norm will be -- stuffed, that is. The word stuffed does not imply any insult to helpless turkey's slaughtered every year in the name of tradition. This site is prohibited except where it is prohibited by law. Norm is not a teletubby: Jerry Falwell can not claim he is gay. Norm is also not Barney, which is good for everybody. Barney can't be cloned, which should ensure some children grow up sane. Sanity is merely a cultural norm -- this means Norm's author might actually be sane. Norm's family life is not meant to insult the outdated 1950's nuclear family -- it's just a nuclear family gone, well, nuclear. Speaking of the 1950's and all that: the slight to Leave it to Beaver is apologised for -- beavers are endangered after all. The slight to the slight is also apologised for. Do not try making a site like this at home unless you really think it is funny. If you don't think it's funny, someone else likely will so you can make it anyway. The sidewalk could be wet when slippery. Contrary to popular belief, coyotes die when falling off high cliffs: don't push them off one. Stupidity is the mother of invention. Better to light a candle . . . then to electrocute yourself putting in the lightbulb. The light at the end of the tunnel is far away so that you'll have to work to reach it. It doesn't respond to your remote control or automatic car starter either. Ideologies are for politicians, not people. Hope is the last refuge of the optimist. Death is likely the only refuge for pessimists -- at least it will be over with and then things might improve a little. Fear of freedom is the saddest fear of all. Do not die for others unless they are willing to die for you. Then, if possible, you can let them die first. Don't be more stupid then you have to be. Norm is not a cat, he is a catt (Cute Adorable Talking Thing). It is always darkest before you turn on the lights. Tomorrow is another day and might be better, but today was tomorrow yesterday so don't get your hopes up.
|
