The opposite of talking is not listening, the opposite of talking is waiting.
- Fran Lebowitz

These are quotations taken from conversations -- I wouldn't go as far as to call most of them normal -- and includes conversational errors that were entirely unintentional. All names are anonymous and the opinions below do not necessarily reflect mine or those of anyone else, even if they said them.

July 1997

"There are now so many people running, walking, wheeling or whatever around this country for some cause or another that pretty soon they are going to start running into each other!"

"I think you have to get a few death threats before you can be famous. "

August 8, 1997

"I think the right age for marriage nowadays is about 30 but life throws you curves, and birth control's not perfect"

August 10, 1997

"So who does she remind you of?"
        "A combination of people"
"Oh, so you're saying she's Frankenstein?"

August 1997

"The odds are more even now. I am winning"

"I have no desire to enter professional sports. I'd rather make an honest living."

October 1997

"You know you have played Doom too often when you can type the cheat codes faster than you can type your name."

"Doom is the guy's equivalent to Chicken Soup for the Soul."

"Seeing people get blown apart is a great stress reliever."
"Then Hitler must have been under a lot of stress."

November 1997

"I'm just learning this" (Pause) "I think I've mastered it."

"Adolf Hitler was denied entrance to the arts school in Venice. As a result, six million Jews died. Beware of angry arts students."

July 26 1998

"I found it: I hit the absolute land mine! Di would be proud."

August 21 1998

"How could he improve his game? . . . Stop playing it."

August 29 1998

"It would be really cool if you went to a baby shower and told the husband: "Hey, cool, you managed to get her into bed. Guess you're wife wasn't as cold as we all thought!"

"Love is an intellectual concept."

August 30 1998

"Corporate Canada is a subsidiary of Disney."

"They're already getting 66 million hits a year. Imagine what they are going to get in ten years!"
"Competition."

So, someday someone will ask a kid: "Why do you want to be as famous as Bobby Hull?" and the kid will reply: "So I can say mean and racist remarks and everyone will think it's a smear campaign, even if I said it, because I couldn't be that stupid."

"Before I went to University having over two hundred dollars was a lot of money."
"How much do you think is a lot now?"
"A couple of million."

"White chocolate is the best type of milk."

"So I exist to make other people feel good about themselves."
"Pretty much."
"Cool."

"The problem with democracy is that everyone submits to a tyranny of the minority since the majority is often silent."

"Why do they put pictures in children's books? Let the kids figure what the story is about for themselves: that's what their imaginations are for."

September 2 1998

"Maybe our society has become anti-discipline."

September 5 1998

"Shouldn't it be headaches?"
"I don't know. Everyone's withdrawal is different."

September 7 1998

"It would be great incentive to find a job, though not the right kind."
"Is any incentive the right kind?"

"'Someday we'll all think this way.' A message from your local NDP candidate."

"Do we want to be respectable?"
"I'm starting to debate that."

" . . . They're telling the truth."
"That is the best form of propaganda there is."
"So the radio tells us propaganda?"
"Well, with the exception of Howard Stern."

"I wonder if God has to pay income tax?"
"No. He doesn't live on earth. But his son does. He gets it from his allowance and can use it to pay burial fees."
"He can buy his plot of land."

"I wonder if you can buy the airspace above your grave?"

"Have you ever noticed how no one sings with an accent? A lot of black singers, who would normally speak eugenics . . . that was a good one, I mean eubonics. . . . "

"Will children go to school tomorrow? That is the question on a lot of people's mind today . . . " [A voice on the radio.]
"Maybe they'll declare a snow day."

"The teachers have raised the stakes to the next level of awareness."
"Hate mail."
"Spam. Maybe we should call the radio station and ask them to censure our radio so we don't get that stuff."

September 8 1998

"Ronald MacDonald now exists to subdue children."

"I wonder if anyone has ever done motivational speeches for grave diggers. Or is it just me?"
"It's just you."

September 9 1998

"Slaughter, maim and destruction . . . the pinnacles of modern civilisation."

September 10 1998

"The creed of our generation . . ."
"To do as little as possible and become filthy rich?"
"Better not tell her about it."
"We can blame her generation for it."
"Yes, they worked too hard and in order to rebel against them, we have to do nothing."

September 11 1998

"I don't like Objectivism. It allows too much time for introspection."

"I think you love the TV more than you love me."

September 13 1998

"What is your perception of reality?"

September 15 1998

"I just had a revelation while flushing the toilet: if you could do one thing with your life, what would it be?"
"Become the chairman and CEO of Merrill-Lynch."
"That's all? What about world peace or hunger?"
"There is no god."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"I don't know, I just want to head up one of the largest financial firms in the world."

September 18 1998

"I just realised I cannot get that job: I'd have to juggle several tasks at the same time and I can't because I'm male."

"History is meant to be changed."

"A thought just occurred to me: imagine the back taxes you would have to pay to Revenue Canada if reincarnation worked. Since you would never really die you would be paying while waiting to be reborn. We'd all be living in debt before we were born. Of course, you owe the government money the moment you are born for the privilege of being born in a hospital but that's beside the point.".

December. 11 1998

"Well, that's a barbaric response."
"It works."
"That's the trouble with barbaric responses: they work."

December 22 1998

"He sounded like a dead dog"

"The present sounds like golf balls deflated."
"How do you deflate golf balls?"
"I don't know."

January 1999

"You can't fight ignorance with ignorance."

"Do we die to live or do we live to die?"

"Life is a game: there are winners, losers, and cheaters."

"You can only get what you give."


January 22 1999

"A biker is a driving organ donor."

"Bikes are like helicopters: shoot it in a gas tank and it does a vertical take-off."

February 1999

"There's a rumour that there's a rumour going on around here."

"I am looking for an interlocking component to help me procreate."

"The only thing that is impossible is surviving."

"I can't understand divorcing after twenty years of marriage. You're life's already over anyway."

Overheard or recorded, all marital conversation sounds as if someone must be joking, although usually no one is.
- Lorrie Moore, "Birds of America"