A STANDARD TO JUDGE AGAINST
A ONE ACT SKIT BY

Josh MacLeod

Players:
The Guard, a "businessman" who is very neat
The Human, a person who may be wearing a cross and dressed in clothes that suggest he or she has come to the office unprepared (i.e.: night gown etc.)
The Voice, a strong voice, only heard

Props:
Cymbals
An old, wooden desk with a plaque on it
Filing cabinet
Neat business suit for the Guard
Bed Clothes for the Human
Lots of paper and folders in a pile
2 quills (or two pens) to write with

Scene:
The Guard is sitting at an old, worn desk idly sifting through a stack of papers that are the only clutter on the desk. He is dressed in a neat suit The desk has a plaque saying `Checking to see if you are naughty or nice' on it.
The room itself is plain with only one door leading into it. In one corner sits an old filing cabinet. The Guard try to be busy at what appears to be nothing. From the serious, absorbed look on his face, he seems to be succeeding.

The Guard is examining papers relentlessly and glances up at the wall where a clock would be, starts in surprise, and begins to go through the large stack of papers again, shaking his head and looking even more absorbed than before. There is a timid knocking at the door and The Human walks in.

Guard: (Impatient) Yes?

Human: (Confused and frightened) Is this (Pause and gulp) is this ... the afterlife?

Guard: A little cramped, don't you think?

Human: Uhmm, yes, that is, I ... (Hands stop gesturing and drop to sides. Sigh)

Guard: No, this isn't. I'm just the door guard. (Points to plaque)

Human: (Awed) You're Sants Claus?

Guard: Did you forget your glasses?

Human: They are in my pocket, sir.

Guard: Do you see a red suit anywhere?

Human: Then you're Saint Peter?

Guard: (points at himself) Do you see a halo anywhere? Pearly Gates? A Choir?

Human: Uh, no.

Guard: Good. (Goes back to reading papers)

Human: (Looks around uncomfortably for a while then visibly braces himself) How do you test me?

Guard: (Doesn't look up) Here, fill this out. (Hands him a stack of papers)

Human: (Looks helplessly in his pockets) Could I please have a pencil?

Guard: You forgot? (Shakes head disapprovingly and marks something down on the sheet in front of him.)

Human: I wasn't exactly given a guide book, you know.

Guard: You probably would have forgotten it, too. (Pause) Just fill the forms out.

Lengthy pause with the Human filing papers and the Guard making marks on his paper and glancing now and then at the non-existent clock

Human: Excuse me? Under religious preferences . . . If this is Heaven, why is Atheist listed?

Guard: Do you see anything else here? This could be all there is, or a dream.

Human: Yes, of course (pause) But I . . . (Guard frowns and makes another mark on the paper, Human gulps and continues to write)

Impression of time passing. Guard glances at the Human and then at the imaginary clock, looking annoyed. The Human glances at the "clock", puzzled. Human looks nervously from time to time at the paper the Guard is making his marks in.

Human: I'm done.

The Guard picks up the folders and moves through the piles quickly. He makes disapproving noises and crumples up some sheets. Acts as if calculating in head, then marks something on his sheet and circles it . Yawns and strechs.
Human spends this time gulping at every paper tossed and looking like a nervous wreck. Does a lot of pacing and fidgeting.

Guard: I'm afraid you don't qualify. Sorry.

Human: Don't ... why? What was my mark?

Guard: 97%

Human: That's not enough?

Guard: You aren't perfect.

Human: No one is. "To err is human, to forgive, divine."

Guard: I'm not divine. I don't forgive.

Human: You . . . you just sit there like some almighty (Sputters an insult incoherently) Are you Judge, Jury and Executioner?

Guard: You are executing yourself quite well as it is. 65% now.

Human: Does the mark matters now?

Guard: 63%

Human: Answer me!

Guard: 60%. Yes. It means you are now going to Hell.

Human: You can't be serious . . .(Anguished) please . . .

Guard: (Sigh) Go back out the door, then turn to your left (Human remains standing in shock) I am Busy, you know (Human starts shaking, Guard sighs) Will you go now?

Human leaves, looking dazed.

Clang of cymbals

The Voice: (weary) Another failed?

The Guard: Yes. Pride and whining did him in.

The Voice: (mildly reproachful) Few have entered. What are your standards?

The Guard: Now, I . . .

The Voice: What?

The Guard: Those of the Snake . . . and all the animals . . . I play Devil's Advocate as they defend, or doom, themselves.

The Voice: That explains why the Lawyers get in. Are you just denying me, my eldest son? Do you want them for Your kingdom?

The Guard: No, no . . . Though seeing the look on their faces is worth denying them.

The Voice: (amused) The Devil playing the Devils Advocate. I see your sense of humor hasn't changed. Where is "Saint" Peter, by the way?

The Guard: He guards my Gates. He thought being a Saint was immediate qualification to Heaven.

The Voice: Good . . how very unique. I find no fault with your ideas.

The Guard: They choose to evolve.

The Voice: (Slightly reproachful) And you to tempt them.

The Guard: I merely tested them to see if they were worthy of being your children.

The Voice: I made an error?

The Guard: To sin is Human, to err, divine.

The Voice: Thank you, truly.

The Guard: Seriously, are you dissatisfied with my work?

The Voice: No. If they are not worthy, then they shouldn't be in My domain. You have done well. It would please Me if you would need a second cabinet, though.

The Guard: When I do, then the standard will become that of "Adam" and not of the animal.

The Voice: Good. In the meantime, round "point five" down, not up.

Clang of Cymbals

Guard picks up papers (puts crumpled ones in the desk drawers), looks at the clock and begins to study the folders again. There is another timid knock at the door.

CURTAIN FALLS

- Josh MacLeod, 1999