True Love

Josh MacLeod

Doctor Roy Abbott leaned back in his chair with a sigh, running his fingers through his hair and wondering how soon his job would make him go bald. That had not been a fun hour and he dreaded his next appointment. With a groan, he sat up and touched the intercom. "Mr. Timmons, could you please write down my dictation about that last patient."

There was a faint pause, and the rustling of papers but then the breezy voice of the intern came on. "Right away, sir. What do you want this one filed under?"

Roy paused for a moment, considering. "File it under Jane Doe for now."

"It was that bad then?" Timmons asked sympathetically.

Lad, you have no ideas how bad it was, Roy thought but he said: "It was a moderately difficult session." He waited until it sounded like Timmons was ready then began. "Our session started at two o'clock when Jane arrived, punctual as usual. She wasn't wearing any make up, which was odd since she normally wore some out on her dates. That meant that she had either broken up with her current one or found another love interest. I said nothing as I waited for her to be seated but was surprised to note that she also wore no jewellery. She normally wore that when she broke up, as proof that she'd had other boy friends who loved her.

"She sat down in her chair without waiting for me to say show, which showed signs of nervousness and, possibly, fear. I was right about that, but for the first time she wasn't fearing that some former lover was going to kill her or that she would be raped when leaving my office. She was afraid of me.

"At first I did not know why since, knowing her fears, I had deliberately made her think that I would not come on to her in any way. She likely thinks I am gay at this point. You can delete that last comment from the official records, Timmons.

"I think I know how to edit your commentaries by now, sir." Timmons said quietly.

"Sorry. Its just that she did startled me. Anyway, she introduced herself to me as Juliet this time, which her name is not. She wasn't exhibiting the traits of a schizophrenic so I patiently told her that her name was not Juliet.

"'How would you now?' she snapped back at which point I reminder her that I was her therapist and she had come to me for help. That was a risky thing to do since the last time I did that, she said she must have come to the wrong office and left."

Timmons laughed and continued typing out the transcript.

"Juliet sat for a few moments but then said, 'Fine, so I'm not Juliet.' and then proceeded to sulk. I asked her what the problem was and she began to cry something about her family. I seriously think she could have turned out all right if her family was not the runner up for a Dysfunctional Family of the Year Award. After I got her calmed down, she said that her family didn't approve of her fiancée.

"Juliet has had many of them through the two years of my association with her so I was not surprised to see that this one, like most of the others, did not meet her families standards. I did refrain from asking if he was sane, since that would have placed him above the rest of the family; hell, he would have passed a few dozen class stratas above the family due to that alone. Instead, I asked her what it was about him that infuriated them.

"She replied that it was because he had been fixed. I told her the proper term was having a vasectomy but she said that was not the term if the vet did it. I nearly choked on my coffee. 'Why the vet?' I asked and Juliet replied that said sum was all that could be afforded.

"I realised that his family might then be even worse off than hers. 'Why else do they not like him?' I asked, expecting her usual list but it was shorter than the other ones about her boyfriends. 'Juliet said: 'He slobbers all the time, he is not clean, he might have fleas and he smells like a dog.'

"'That's all?' I asked and she replied that he wasn't pure. I said: "But aren't there other mixed breeds in your family?' recalling that her sister had married a South American immigrant but she sniffled and said that Romeo -- yes, Timmons, Romeo: that is the name she gave him -- was different than the others. I sensed that she was still hiding something back so I asked her precisely what difference did she mean:

"'They call him a mutt!' She exclaimed and I sighed. 'Calling a boy friend a dog -- or mutt in this case -- is just labelling him. You shouldn't let it get under your skin.'

"Then Juliet looked at me in horror and said that their was nothing wrong with calling Romeo a dog. That was the first time I ever heard her insult one of her boy friends so I asked to see a picture of him. To my shock, she reluctantly pulled out a photo of a German Shepherd with some Retriever in it.

"Well, you can imagine my surprise. Her family was right for once and she was trying to marry an actual dog! I looked up but saw the fear in her eyes. I had never commented on any of her boy friend's yet and she was afraid that I would about this one. I managed to conceal my shock and the following conversation ensued.

"'So they disapprove of him being a dog?' I managed to ask

"'They think he is not good enough for me!' she wailed and, while I privately thought the dog was better than most of her previous boy friends, I refrained from saying so.

"'The ferrets were good enough for my brother, Bruce but no, a dog is not good enough for me!' She yelled and all I was able to do was weakly repeat 'Ferrets?'

"'Well, yes. Mom and dad absolutely refused for him to try porcupines.'

"'Well, that's a good thing --' I began.

"'They didn't want to pay for the vet bill to remove the quills from interesting places.' She said and I shuddered at the mental image that conjured up.

"'Was that when he was in his experiential stage?' I enquired

"'Yes. They let him try ferrets and won't let me have a dog!' She began to wail again. 'Well, marrying a dog is not common in these times . . .' I began but she then said that daddy had told Bruce that he knew a priest who would perform the marriage.

"'In Vegas?" She looked that I could guess the place. 'And the Priest won't perform the same service for a dog?' I asked dryly but she shook her head. 'No. The last time he tried, the dog bit him and he got rabies. He is not afraid of rabies so I can't get married.' She looked ready to break down again so I stopped her.

"'What will you do about children?' I asked, hoping that reality would intrude but then she paused and brightly announced: 'We could always adopt!'

"To forestall that line of thought I pointed out that the dog was likely to old to be a foster parent and she asked why. I then asked how old the dog was and she said that he was 9.

"'Well, there's your problem then. If the combined ages of the uhm, foster parents is over 80 you cannot adopt and he is 63 in human years.' She was a little subdued at that."

"You didn't seriously say that, did you?" Timmons asked.

"Yes." Roy replied.

"Oh. And what happened then?"

"She was crestfallen for a moment but said that she would marry her Romeo anyway, and to hell with what her family thought of it. I then told her not to act out the Romeo and Juliet story. Then she left. I am hoping that I will be able to change her opinion next week and work towards a more . . . legal relationship." Roy paused. "End report. Also, make a note to remind me that I had better make a brochure on the difficulties of safe sex with dogs and other assorted animals."

"What?" Timmons exclaimed.

"I told her I'd have information from experts about this sort of situation. I will also need a letter from a Priest saying that what she is doing is wrong in the eyes of God. A letter from the Humane Society condemning such actions wouldn't help, either."

"I will get on it right away, sir. When do you want me to make these things up by?"

"Next Thursday."

"Okay sir. Oh, by the way, you have your next visitor coming here in about 20 minutes. A reporter, I believe. She is not a patient but wishes to speak to you about how Psychiatrists don't do their jobs right and are not caring about their patients." "Oh. Send her in, I will just be out getting a coffee and may be a little late for the meeting."

Roy paused, thinking that he heard a muttered "Fancy that" but the intercom switched off before he could reply. Timmons might just be getting a little insubordinate . . . Roy's thoguhts trailed off as he heard a knock on the door and turned to see Timmons had just slid a piece of paper under it. He got up, walked over to it and picked it up. It was an advertisement for another Psychiatrist.

Puzzled, he turned on the intercom. "Timmons, what is the advertisement for?"

"Sir, that is simply the thing you will give Juliet."

Roy frowned. "I asked for something saying what she is doing is wrong."

"I thought something saying that what you are doing is wrong would be more appropriate under the circumstances." Timmons paused a beat while Roy stared at the intercom in shock then said "Sir."

The intercom turned off and Roy Abbott sat at his desk, coffee forgotten and slowly began to think about his future . . . and the firing of Mr Timmons.

- Josh MacLeod (1998)