Holy Water
Somewhere
there’s a stolen halo
I
used to watch her wear it well
Everything
would shine wherever she would go
Aileen
is my best friend. We met in a club way back when, before I was legally allowed
to drink, before she became a famous songwriter. The group was just making it
in Germany then, and she was still strumming a guitar in beer joints near her
hometown. But when we met, it was like a part of me that I didn’t know was
missing finally fell into place. Corny as hell—I know, but what can I say? I
can still remember her first words to me.
“Do
you mind moving your skinny ass so I can get to the bathroom?”
Yeah,
yeah. Not the most romantic line in the world, but I was blocking her way, and
every man knows you don’t stand in a woman’s way when she’s on her way to the
john. But that’s not the point of this. I’d been eyeing her all evening, and D
kept telling me to make a move, but I’d been a little shy. After all, she was
an older woman, and—
I’m
getting off track here. Aileen—Lee, as I always called her—captivated me. I
tried every line I knew, and even made up some, but none of them worked. She’d
give me that cute smile and shake her head. When I got the nerve to ask for her
number, she gave it to me, which totally blew me away. The next day I called
her, and we went out a couple times. Nothing major. I did try to put the moves
on her, but she breezed me. It didn’t take me long to figure out I’d be better
off with her as a friend, anyway.
She’s
always been there for me. Throughout it all. The stardom in Europe, the
disappointment when we didn’t do too well in the States. Buck up, boy, she’d
tell me when I got down. Even the Beatles had their downtimes. And through all
the relationships I had over the years—and despite what you’ve heard, there
hasn’t been that many—she was there, a welcoming hug and a relaxing
cigarette waiting when things didn’t work out. And the moment I found out about
those attacks on 9-11 she was the first one I called, the one I wanted to be
sure was safe.
Man,
she was one of the first ones on my ass about the drugs, too. When Kev and the
guys started their intervention thing, the only detail I can really remember is
her eyes. I’d never seen her so upset. It was like I’d broken her heart. And
she came to see me on visiting days at the Center, and we’d sit outside and
share a smoke—thank God for Lee and nicotine, or I’d have gone crazy—and talk
about life. It was during one of our talks I found out she was still a virgin.
Shit.
Pushing thirty, and still untouched. She told me she was saving herself. Sounds
like some old-fashioned cliché, doesn’t it? But she was sincere. Good old Lee.
She never does something without giving it a hundred percent, so why should she
give up her body if she wasn’t—how’d she put it—truly, madly, deeply in love
with the guy? Yep. That’s my girl.
Well,
she’s not really my girl. Sometimes I wished she was, and when I got out of the
Center and started putting the pieces of my life together, I actually asked her
out again. She’d rolled her eyes, asked how come I wasn’t over that yet, and I
dropped it. After making sure I was settled at home, she left, and I still
remember her laugh echoing in the front hall when I gave her a big bear hug.
Then it happened. I don’t know what the fuck went wrong, but somehow she ended up stranded on the side of the road—she’d left her cell phone at my place, go figure—and, being the caring, trusting person she is, accepted a ride from a complete stranger.
Someone ran away with her innocence
A memory she can’t get out of her head
I can only imagine what she’s feeling
When she’s praying
Kneeling at the edge of her bed
The bastard. When I got the call later that night from the hospital, I thought it was a cruel joke. After some doctor talked to me for about twenty minutes, I realized it was true. Don’t ask me how, but I got to the hospital, and I can’t remember the drive to save my life. Just hope I didn’t run anyone over.
She looked so pale, so different, lying in that hospital bed with all those machines attached to her. Her nose had been broken, and her entire left hand was in a cast, and when I moved to sit on the edge of the bed the stuffy old nurse told me she had four bruised ribs.
“Lee, babe,” I said, trying hard to control my feelings. There were plenty of them—rage, hurt, pain, sorrow, relief that she was okay. You name it, I probably felt it right then.
When she opened her eyes and looked at me, I didn’t see the normal twinkle. Lee has got the most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen, and in the short hours since I’d last seen her, the light inside had died. I remember reaching for her hand, but she shook her head no. The next thing I remember is sitting in the waiting room with Nick.
She’d lost a lot of blood. That much I understood. They had to give her a transfusion. No problem. But when the doctor tried to explain the whole deal about a lung collapsing, he lost me. I knew it was serious, I truly did, but what I couldn’t understand was the fact that she didn’t want to see me. We’d been through so much.
Oh, yeah, they found the asshole that nearly killed her. He’s claiming that she propositioned him, but we all know that’s bullshit, right? And she wouldn’t take no for an answer, he says. Shit. Next he’ll be saying she did it to herself. I hope the fucker dies a slow, painful death. I wish I could be there to see it, too.
When they let Lee out of the hospital, she was transferred to some psychiatric hospital for a while. I went to see her one Sunday afternoon, but again, she turned me away. I didn’t get it. She didn’t mind Brian or D or Nick or Kev stopping by, and they hardly knew her. At least, they didn’t know her like I did. I suppose I should say they didn’t know her like I thought I did.
When she came home after a couple months, she couldn’t turn me away. I showed up a week after she got home. When I got there, she was sitting on her back deck, looking out at the river, smoking a cigarette. I don’t think she heard me until I spoke.
“Lee.”
She jumped, then turned to look at me. She wouldn’t meet my eyes, and she quickly looked away. “What are you doing here?” she asked.
“I came to see you. Or do I have to get approval first?” I asked, walking over and sitting in the chair next to her. Her dark hair was pulled into a ponytail, her face pale, and when she lifted her cigarette to her lips I noticed how her left pinky twisted slightly.
“AJ,” she murmured, shaking her head. “I can’t let you see me like this,” she said feebly after a moment.
“Like what? Lee, babe, you’ve always been there for me. Let me be here for you now.” It killed me not to touch her. The only thing I wanted to do was pull her into my arms and never let her go. But I couldn’t. Cuz I knew if I touched her she’d run.
“AJ,” she said again, reaching to put her cigarette out. And she finally turned to look at me.
There was a slight bump on the bridge of her nose, and the faintest hint of a scar from her left ear to her right. The bastard had tried very hard to kill her. He’d stabbed her at least a dozen times, broken her arm, and finally slit her throat. Lucky for her, she was a fighter. Lucky for me, too.
“Look at me. I’m not the same woman you’ve always known,” she said.
I dared to touch her, reaching for her hand. I let my thumb graze over the back of it, looking down at her wrist. She’d lost weight, I realized. Damn. “Sure you are. C’mon, Lee. As much shit as we’ve been through, now you’re going to throw it all away?” I heard a sniffle, and, looking up, saw she was starting to cry.
“I don’t think I can go through this,” she said between sobs. “It’s so hard. Why didn’t he just kill me and get it over with? Why, AJ? Why did I live?” She wrenched her hand from mine, knocking her chair over in her haste to get away from me. crossing the deck, she folded her arms across her chest, and I saw her lips tremble.
I couldn’t take it. Getting to my feet, I was about to walk over to her before my brain stopped me. She needed space, even if it was just ten feet or so. “Are you saying you wish you had died?” I asked softly, and I instantly regretted it.
She glanced over her shoulder at me, as though she’d forgotten I was there. Her shoulders slumped, and when our eyes met I saw the tiniest flicker, then she looked away. “I do. Every day when I wake up, I wish he had finished me off. Every night I dread going to sleep, because I know I’ll dream of him. And all those stupid quacks wanted to do was put me on some pills, put me under hypnosis. None of it works, AJ! Nothing works!” she shouted. “I long to go five minutes without remembering the feel of his hands on me, the pain when he—” she cut off, and I could tell she was unable to even finish the sentence in her head.
And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold
Hold
Hold me like holy water
Holy water
Stepping over, I stopped a couple feet away. “Just talk about it, Lee. Just open up and tell me everything you’re feeling.”
She looked up at me, her gaze flickering over my face. “You want to know what I’m feeling? Fine. I feel stupid. Angry.”
“Why?” I asked softly.
“Because I didn’t remember my phone. I left it right there on your coffee table, and didn’t even think of it until my tire blew. I feel stupid because when he rolled up and showed concern, I let him talk me into giving me a ride. Stupid because I didn’t take you up on your offer of dinner and a show. God, if I had let you take me out, none of this would have happened.” She turned away, hugging herself tightly. I wanted so bad to hold her, but I stood where I was. “I feel angry at myself for being so stupid. Angry because I didn’t take my car in to have it serviced when I should have.”
“Lee, honey, you can’t let all the ‘what ifs’ rule your life. I understand every feeling you have, I really do. I just don’t get why you want to shut me out. I thought I was your best friend.”
“You are,” she said defensively, turning to look at me again.
“So let me be your friend. Let me comfort you and help you through this, okay?” When I reached for her she flinched, but she didn’t pull away. With a relieved sigh I pulled her close, and her head rested on my chest. She was tense and still sniffling. Breathing in the scent of her shampoo, I gently rubbed her back.
“I just…” her voice faded off, and she shook her head slightly.
“What?” I asked when I felt her hands on my arms.
“I just want to be someone’s, you know? I want someone I can feel safe with; someone I know won’t leave me. Someone like…”
Holding my breath, I kissed the top of her head. Was she about to say me?
She wants someone to call her angel
Someone to put the light back in her eyes
She’s looking through the faces
The unfamiliar places
She needs someone to hear her when she cries
“Don’t leave me, AJ,” she said suddenly, her arms sliding around my waist. When she squeezed me tightly I almost fell backwards.
“I’m not, Lee.”
She was quiet for a moment, then she lifted her head to look at me. “If I had become your girlfriend all those years ago, do you think we’d still be friends?” she asked softly.
Hell if I knew. But somehow I doubted it. “I dunno,” I told her, moving my hands to gently massage her shoulders.
“I don’t think so. I think we were fated to become friends like we did. If we’d just had some little fling and then you went on, I would never have fallen—” she cut off, and before I realized it she was backing away. “You should go,” she whispered then, turning to go into the house.
Holy shit. “I just said I wouldn’t leave.” She felt it, too? I thought I’d been the only one.
“AJ. If you don’t leave, I may say something I regret.”
“Say it. I want to hear you say it. I want to hear what’s so bad you’re willing to push me away so you don’t have to say it.”
“I love you, AJ.” The words came tumbling from her mouth, and never had anything sounded so beautiful to me before.
And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold
Hold
Hold me like holy water
Holy water
When I stepped closer, she backed up, eyeing me warily. I reached up and gently touched her cheek with one finger, mouthing her name. “Damn, Lee,” I whispered. Pulling her close, I held her tight, felt the tears prick my eyes as I buried my face against her neck. “I love you, too,” I murmured.
I did. I really did. I’d loved her from the moment I first saw her. It dawned on me suddenly why no other girl I’d ever met could hold my attention. Deep down, I’d always been comparing them to her. I loved her. I was truly, madly, deeply in love with her.
She just needs a little help
To wash away the pain she’s felt
She wants to feel the healing hands
Of someone who understands
And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold
Hold
Hold me like holy water
I heard the rain before I felt it. When the cold drops landed on my head I pulled her closer, needing the warmth of her. She lifted her head, and when she looked into my eyes I saw that old familiar light coming back. Smiling, I kissed her forehead, heard her chuckle as it started to pour.
I know. I’m a sap. And I’m not saying it’s gonna be easy—we both have a lot of things to work through. All I know is, as long as we’re together, we can conquer anything that comes our way. I don’t know what’s gonna happen in the future, but I can tell this—we’re gonna live happily ever after.
And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold
Hold
Hold me like holy water
Like holy water
Holy water…
The End
email: kevsgurly@yahoo.com
Lyrics
from Holy Water – as performed by Big & Rich