If You Can

She felt the bed dip slightly when he climbed in next to her. Eyes closed, she faked sleep when he leaned close. His hand brushed her shoulder, and when she felt his warm breath against her neck it took all her being not to flinch.

”Babe,” he said softly, his hand gently caressing her. “You sleep already?”

She bit the inside of her mouth when he leaned over her, willed her body to be still when his lips brushed her cheek. When the faint scent of female perfume stung her senses, she bit back the tears, felt him roll away. She heard his sigh, felt the covers shift as he got comfortable. The lamp clicked off, and she carefully released the breath she hadn’t realized she was holding.

The moments passed, and she wasn’t sure how long it had been since he’d come to bed. Rolling over, she watched him in the moonlight coming from the window. He was lying on his side, his back to her, and she could see the rise and fall of his even breathing. He was wearing a tank top, and she cocked her head to one side, looking at his face. He looked almost peaceful.

“Are you sleep, baby?” she murmured, gently placing her hand on his arm. He stirred, moved away.

Are you awake
Are you asleep
It’s hard to tell with your back to me
Turn around and face me
If you can

“I’m awake,” he mumbled, pulling the covers close.

She didn’t know exactly when it was she’d lost him. Perhaps when he’d gone on tour and she’d stayed at home? Or was it the times she’d been too tired to talk when he called her from halfway around the world?

“Who is she?” she whispered.

Are you afraid
What I might see
If you should look at me
Now tell me about her
If you can

He sighed, finally turning to look at her. “No one you know,” he said softly, his gaze on the blanket.

She felt her heart twitch painfully. Swallowing nervously, she sat up. “Do you love her?”

He snorted derisively. “Love?” he repeated, shaking his head.

She sighed, still looking at him. He could feel her eyes on him, but didn’t have the nerve to look at her. So she knew. But if he looked into her eyes she’d be able to see him for the scum he’d become. It was torture, leading this double life, but—

”Alex,” she whispered, and he felt her hand on his. It took all his being to lift his head, and he saw the tears in her eyes. “I just want the truth.”

If you can look me in the eye and say we’re over
If you can kiss my lips and feel no fire inside
If you can hold my body close
And still say you love her most
Then you can walk out of my life
If you can

“I don’t even know what the truth is,” he said honestly, and he felt cold when she pulled her hand away. He watched her climb out of their bed and cross to the window.

“Is she prettier than me? Is that it?” she asked softly.

“No,” he said with a sigh. No one was prettier than her.

“What, then? Does she do things in bed that I won’t?”

She did, but that wasn’t why. “That’s not the reason,” he replied.

“Tell me,” she said, turning to face him, “I have to know. When we make love do you think about her?”

“Goddamn, babe. No fucking way.” When they made love, all he could think about was how wonderful she was.

Babe. That one word was enough to make her heart break. Sucking her bottom lip between her lips, she met his eyes across the room. “Why, Alex? Why? What did I do?” she sobbed.

She stepped back as he got out of bed, and when he walked over to her, she saw anger flash in his eyes. Looking up at him, she realized she was trembling.

“Damn. It wasn’t anything you did, babe. It just…” he sighed, shaking his head. “I was lonely and she was there,” he admitted.

“How long, Alex? How long have you been seeing her?”

“Couple of months,” he said. Why lie now? May as well get it all out in the open. He waited for her explosion of anger, waited for her to push him away and tell him to get the fuck out of her life. He deserved it, that was for damn sure.

She took a deep breath, and closed her eyes. Two months. And she hadn’t suspected a thing until the other night.

Everyone makes mistakes
Tell me she’s the one you made
And I’ll forgive
And I’ll forget
If you can

“I guess you’re gonna kick me out,” he said softly, and when she opened her eyes she saw he had stepped closer.

She couldn’t. She loved him. Her heart ached at the thought of his leaving forever. “Kiss me, Alex,” she breathed.

He looked surprised, and he warily reached for her. His touch was gentle, and when their bodies were together she couldn’t hold back a sob. His thumb traced her lips, and then he leaned closer.

What was she doing? He couldn’t help but wonder that. She was sliding her hands up his chest, and kissing him with an intensity he didn’t remember her ever having before. She felt so good next to him, and he breathed in her scent, mindful of the fact it may be the last time he held her. His body was responding to her touches, and he couldn’t help but moan when she pulled away.

Who was right and who was wrong
Doesn’t matter if the love is gone
Honey, I’ll keep holding on
If you can

She stared up at him, struggling to take control of her nerves and sort through her mixed feelings. She hated him for doing what he’d done, hated him for being able to hold her close as though he still loved her. But still she loved him. Loved him for being sexy and crazy and showing her how wonderful life could be.

“I don’t want to lose you,” she whispered, and saw the glimmer of a tear in his eye. “But I already did, didn’t I? I lost you the moment you met her.” Placing her hands on his chest, she was about to push him away when she saw a tear roll down his cheek.

He was shaking his head, and he covered the hand on his chest with his. “You never lost me, babe. I was so fucking stupid—I was lonely and upset ‘cuz you didn’t come on tour with me, and even though I was with her, my heart was with you.”

How could he? She closed her eyes, turning her head away. She couldn’t look at him now. How dare he be so damned irritating and yet so endearing at the same time? She felt his heart thumping against his chest, and when his hand gently cupped her chin and turned her face towards his she felt her heart wrench. Opening her eyes, she looked into his, surprised to see he was truly crying.

“I love you, babe,” he said emphatically, his fingers gentle on her cheek as he brushed her tears away. “I love only you. If you can only forgive me, honey, I swear I’ll never break your heart again.”

Did she dare believe him? Resting her head on his chest, she breathed deeply. His arms slid around her again, holding her tight.

To Be Continued…

email:kevsgurly@yahoo.com

Lyrics from If You Can – as performed by Tammy Cochran