Tears In Heaven

Howie glanced at the clock as the phone jangled noisily. Who in their right mind would be calling him now? Everyone knew he’d just gotten home from the tour, and his body thought it was three in the morning.

He groaned and reached for it. "H’lo," he answered.

"Howie?"

The soft voice made him sit straight up. He’d recognize that voice anywhere. "Tina, hi," he said.

"I woke you up, didn’t I? I’m sorry. It’s just…something’s come up."

"It’s okay. I’m just sleeping off some jet lag. What’s come up?"

Tina sighed and he heard what sounded like a sniffle. "I know I shouldn’t really be calling you, but you’re the only one I can turn to."

"What is it, Tina? Something’s wrong, I can tell."

"Cassandra."

When he heard the name of his ten-year old daughter, Howie's heart leaped into his throat. When Tina had told him nearly eleven years before that he was going to be a father, he’d thought she’d been crazy. They were only kids, they couldn’t raise a baby. But now he couldn’t imagine life without her. She was the apple of his eye, his reason for being. He and Tina had broken up soon after Cassandra’s birth, but they remained close friends.

"What about her?" he asked slowly, knowing that something was wrong.

"She’s got leukemia."

Howie's eyes filled with tears suddenly, and he felt dizzy. "Are you sure?"

"Two doctors are." Tina sniffed again. "She’s in the hospital right now. They’re running tests and everything."

Howie's mind was filled with ten year’s worth of images. He remembered the moment he’d first seen Cassandra: a small bundle with a head of dark hair and big eyes. Even now, his mind foggy from lack of sleep and ten years later, he could remember the swell of pride he’d felt at that moment, how he’d promised her and himself that he’d take care of her forever. He could remember how she’d stared up at him the first time he’d held her, and how the trust in her eyes had made him know she was the only person who would love him unconditionally.

"Do you need anything?" he asked, trying not to cry.

"I don’t, but she might. They think a bone marrow transplant can, you know, save her. But I might not match."

"What hospital are you at?" he asked, getting out of bed.

She told him, and he began to get dressed. "Are you coming now?" she asked.

"Yeah. I’ll be there as soon as I can, okay?"

"Thank you, Howie."

"Don’t thank me, Tina. She’s my daughter."

Cassandra looked pale, even against the white sheets of the hospital bed. The small cap on her head did little to hide her baldness, a result of the no-luck chemo she’d gone through. She was rail-thin, and looked like a ghost of her former self.

"Why didn’t you tell me sooner?" Howie asked in a whisper. He sat in a chair next to the bed, his hands clutching hers.

Her brown eyes were almost a mirror of his own. She squeezed his hand. "I didn’t want you to know, Daddy. I thought we could handle this on our own for once."

He felt another tear roll down his cheek. She was so wise, so unlike her age it scared him sometimes. He could talk to her about things he didn’t even want to talk about with adults. "Hey, what are fathers for other than to handle things?"

"You were in Australia when we found out. I couldn’t get in touch with you. So I made Mamma promise not to tell you. The doctor said that chemo would help. But it didn’t."

He squeezed her hand. "The results from your Mamma’s bone marrow should be back anytime now, so don’t worry. Now what’s this I hear about you not eating?" he asked.

She made a face. "Hospital food sucks, Daddy."

"I know, Button, but it’s good for you."

"I want some pizza. With lots of cheese. You remember that pizza we got on my birthday? The cheese was just everywhere. I want pizza like that again."

"I swear you’re just like Nick Carter."

She smiled faintly. "Has he been keeping his promise?"

Howie chuckled, nodding. "He hasn’t even looked at the other girls, Button."

She smiled at his nickname for her. She closed her eyes; she was so tired. She thought back to the day he’d started calling her Button, when she was six. She and Mamma had gone to visit Gramma, and she’d been so proud of her new dress, some ruffle-covered, lacy pink thing. He’d walked into the kitchen and looked at her, and when she’d done a twirl, waiting for his approval, he’d told her she was cute as a button. He’d been calling her that ever since.

"Daddy? I have a favor to ask."

"Anything for you."

"Can you get Nick and the others to come visit me? I miss them."

Howie smiled. "You bet."

Brian sat in the waiting room. He sighed, glancing at his watch for the millionth time. They were all hanging around, wanting to hear the word on the bone marrow results before going. He saw Howie standing by the window, looking out, and knew that his friend wasn’t looking at the scenery.

Tina hadn't matched. Naturally they were all hoping that Howie would. Cassandra was like a daughter to them all, and he knew that life wouldn’t be the same without her. God, what was he thinking? He believed in miracles. He himself was the result of one. He believed that any and all things were possible, that the God who’d blessed him would not let Cassandra leave them.

The room was unbearably silent. AJ sat nervously fiddling with the hem of his shirt. Nick was pretending to read a magazine. Kevin stood in the doorway, as if on the lookout for someone who could tell them something.

Brian stood and cleared his throat. "Guys, maybe we should pray."

Howie turned and looked at him. "What do you think I’ve been doing since I found out, Brian?"

Brian held up his hands as if in defense. "I didn’t mean it like that. But remember how we all prayed the day I found out I needed surgery?" He looked around at these four men, his best friends. "If it weren’t for you guys, I don’t think I would have made it."

Nick unfolded himself from the chair he was in and walked over to him. He took Brian’s hand in his, then looked at the others.

Howie walked over, the strain of the past few days showing on his face. He grabbed Brian’s hand, squeezing, and lowered his head.

Kevin pushed himself away from the wall, and joined them. As Brian lowered his head, he saw his cousin wiping tears from his eyes.

AJ looked at them for a long moment, still fiddling with the hem of his shirt. He wiped his eyes, getting to his feet. Stepping between Nick and Kevin, he took their hands and lowered his head as Brian began to pray.

Howie sat in the front pew of the church, his eyes never leaving the small casket at the front. The sanctuary was filled with flowers, white roses dominating. Her favorite flower had always been the white rose, he thought to himself as his eyes moved to the arrangements.

The priest was praying, but his words were nothing to Howie. Tina sat next to him, her hand clenching his. She would sob occasionally, and the handkerchief she had was drenched, he was sure.

Why couldn’t he cry? He’d cried his eyes out constantly, ever since the doctor had told him that no family members were a match, that nothing could be done. But once he’d arrived here, he hadn't been able to shed a tear. Everyone around him probably thought he was a freak, but what could he do?

The prayer ended, and the church that was filled with Cassandra’s school friends, distant relatives, and scores of people from the community who had fallen in love with her echoed, "Amen."

There was a small chair on the platform next to the pulpit, next to it a guitar. Brian had asked Tina and Howie to allow him to say goodbye his way, and, knowing how much Brian had cared for her, relented.

Brian stood and walked forward, clearing his throat as he sat down. He looked out at the congregated people as he picked up the guitar. Without a word, he began playing.

Cassandra saw a familiar figure walking towards her. She stood, forgetting the sand castle she was building. The figure stumbled over something, and she raced towards it. "Brian," she called softly. He sat up, his signature grin on his lips.

She took his extended hand, helping him to his feet. They began walking together, not talking, but understanding that this was it, that it wouldn’t be the same anymore. Suddenly they were walking through the woods, then down the street she lived on.

She didn’t want to leave him, didn’t want to be alone. She begged the force that willed her along. Tears rolled down her cheeks, as she realized what was happening. They were walking up the steps to the church.

Brian looked at her for a moment as they paused there. He squeezed her hand. The look in his eyes promised her that everything would be alright. He opened the door and the stepped through.

All around her were flashes of memories. Daddy, Mamma, everyone she’d ever known and loved. They were walking down a hallway, and she turned to look at everything, trying to remember, to be sure she didn’t forget anyone or anything.

Suddenly they were in the sanctuary, and he was in the front, playing and singing. She was alone now. She looked around, turning in slow circles as she moved towards the front. The arrangement of white roses on the casket—her casket—brightened, and she walked towards it, unafraid. It was warm, it was safe.

Brian lowered his head, the images of what he’d dreamed the night before still flashing through his mind. It had seemed so real, as if she’d been reassuring him that everything would be okay. He set the guitar aside, not bothering to wipe the tears from his eyes as he stood. There was an unnatural silence in the sanctuary as he stepped down. As he passed the casket, he placed a hand on it for a split second.

Howie stood as the music began, the tears unstoppable now. He squeezed Tina’s hand as the pallbearers lifted the casket and carried it down the aisle.

Brian sat in the pew as everyone left, and remained until they were gone. He then stood and walked over to the altar. He lowered himself to his knees as his tears began again. "Please, God, help me get over this," he prayed.

The door at the back of the sanctuary opened, and a figure walked quietly up the aisle. There was a flutter, and Brian lifted his head. Another flutter. He stood and turned.

Cassandra stood a few paces away. She was wearing a long white gown, and the wings that protruded from her shoulders were magnificent. She smiled up at him. "I got my wings already," she said softly.

"I thought you had to be around for a while first," he replied.

"I was blessed by a guardian angel, and in turn have become one myself."

"Who was your guardian angel?"

She stepped closer, and he saw that the halo hovering over her head was slightly tilted. "It was you, Brian." Her voice was barely above a whisper. He felt a warmth surge through him.

The door slammed shut, and Brian jerked, looking around. "Cassandra?" he called, his voice echoing. She was nowhere to be seen. He made his way down the aisle, and out the door.

As he crossed the lawn to where the mourners gathered, he could have sworn he heard Cassandra telling someone how she got her nickname, Button.

The End