The Dance

Our relationship was, in a way, crazy. I’d known when I met him that I’d never have him completely, that a part of him would belong to the public, and part to millions of teenagers around the world. I suppose that was the one thing that irritated me most. It was strange, being in a store and passing a couple young girls talking about how gorgeous my boyfriend was, how sexy his voice was. So many times I was tempted to tell them how gorgeous he was and how sexy his voice sounded when he looked me in the eyes and said he loved me.

But, we drifted apart. I had a career; my first book became a bestseller just after I started "going steady" with him. And it’s not like there were lies or cheating or anything like that; we had a very loving and stable relationship…at one time anyway. I needed someone who’d be there for me at all times, he wanted someone who’d wait for him. Looking back, I see that I probably could have waited for him. But it’s too late now, and I thought I knew everything then.

The breakup was the hardest thing I’d ever had to deal with in my life. One afternoon we cuddled on the sofa during his few and far between breaks, watching TV and being completely romantic. He flipped the TV off after a rerun of I Love Lucy and said we needed to talk. I can still remember the way his arm tightened around me, can still feel the material of his shirt beneath my cheek. If I close my eyes I can smell his cologne, and I know I’ll never forget the deep rumble of his voice as he told me the words that broke my heart forever.

Our relationship was going nowhere, he said. At first, I thought he was going to propose, and immediately started planning the wedding in my mind. But that wasn’t on his mind at all. He continued slowly, and I heard his voice waver as he said that we both needed different people, that we weren’t right for each other. I sat there in shock, letting his words sink in. He pulled away from me and stood, continuing his reasons why we were wrong for each other.

I didn’t try to fight. I looked at him and saw only the man I’d loved for nearly two years telling me he needed space. How much more space could I give him? He was away for what seemed to me like forever, I only got to hold him maybe once or twice every couple of months. I, who’d always that that I’d need a man who’d be there 24/7, said good night to him through a phone, told him I loved him in an email, or said nothing at all for days at a time.

He left then, never to return. Oh, during the first few months after the breakup he’d call me just to chat, and we still emailed each other regularly. I’d come so close to telling him I loved him, and there would be an awkward silence. But soon the phone calls stopped, as did the emails.

I kept in touch with the others. Brian was one of my best friends, and I turned to him almost constantly when I needed a shoulder. He and the others kept up with me, for some reason. It was as if their main purpose in life was to keep me from having a chance to feel down.

The years passed. Music tastes changed, as they always do. They never officially broke up, instead went out on successful solo careers.

Nick has had two solo albums so far, and is now working on his first major movie. He was married briefly to a model, but she dumped him for some up-and-comer. He’s focusing on his career right now, and says that one day love will find him.

Howie’s done some TV guest spots, but mainly he’s been working on producing, and his condos have flourished. He’s engaged to a sweet girl named Sarah that he insists is the most beautiful, the nicest girl you’ll ever meet.

AJ recently started a record company, and so far it’s doing good. He’s producing some great artists, and just finished his so-called "tell-all" book about the hectic years known as Backstreet Boys. He was married, too, and I’m not sure exactly why he got divorced, but he says his marriage was happy while it lasted.

Brian has gone back to college. He’s studying Philosophy, of all things. But he’s still writing songs, and he’s getting ready to put out his first album. It’s full of sweet and inspiring love songs, similar to The Perfect Fan. That’s probably due to the fact that he’s so in love with his soon-to-be-wife, Sky. Can’t be in the same room with them without wanting to gag. But they’re a great couple.

Kevin…has written such beautiful songs for so many different people. He’s never settled down since we broke up three years ago. Oh, he’s had girlfriends, I know. Mostly the drop-dead gorgeous models, but never anyone serious. I haven’t seen him in a long time, but Brian keeps me updated.

I did move on, by the way. I’m one of the youngest best-selling authors, and one of my books is being made into a movie. For a while I didn’t date, it was almost like I was afraid to. But I met a young man named Jeremy who turned my life around. And, though we’re not as happy as Kevin and I were, it’s something different with him. Jeremy’s solid, steady, and always there. Nothing definite yet, but we’re committed.

Brian got married today. I can barely believe it. That’s the reason for all this looking back, for all these memories. Last night I pulled out the old memory box of pictures and keepsakes that I’ve kept, and with Sky at my side we plowed through them, and I shocked myself when I remembered every single gift he’d given me, every letter he’d written. I still had the scrap of paper he’d written his number on the night we’d met. I had the ring he’d bought me on my birthday, the Christmas tree ornament he’d brought from England, everything. I couldn’t believe I’d kept it all, and that I’d forgotten how happy we’d been.

The ceremony was beautiful, naturally. It took place in the church Brian grew up in, in Lexington. Everything went as rehearsed, not counting the flower girls throwing rose petals at each other. But, all in all, it was the perfect wedding.

I tried to keep my eyes from wandering to Kevin, who was a groomsman. It was hard to do. For a moment, I tried to imagine how life would be if we hadn’t broken up, but I quickly got rid of that idea. I stood next to Sky, holding her bouquet as she pledged a life of love and devotion to Brian, but my mind was on times years ago, when I had secretly planned exactly how my own wedding would go.

The reception was filled with laughter, music, and smiles. I felt detached from it all, though. I smiled and applauded with everyone else as the happy couple cut the cake and fed each other. Afterwards they toasted one another, then Sky pulled Brian to the dance floor.

A while later, I sat at a table, alone, sipping champagne. Sky walked up to me and sighed. "Stop being so depressed! It’s my wedding day, you have to be happy."

"I am happy, Sky," I told her, smiling slightly.

"Don’t lie to me, Lexi. I’ve known you since we were in high school." She made a face and sat down, arranging her voluminous skirt around her. "Come on, you still love him, don’t you?"

"Of course I still love him. I’ll probably always love him. And the fact that I’m here alone while he’s got the most beautiful woman in the world in his arms doesn’t make me very happy," I said.

Brian was just walking up and heard my last words. "Who’s got Sky in his arms? I’m gonna kill him."

I laughed in spite of myself and drained my champagne, then looked around. Howie was dancing with Sarah, and a blind person would be able to see their love. I saw Sky’s relatives everywhere, as well as Brian’s. Nick was talking to Sky’s cousin, and AJ was at the bar. I sighed and saw Kevin coming off the dance floor.

Sky stood up. "Lexi, I’ll talk to you later, okay? I gotta go talk to Jackie," she said, heading over to Brian’s mother.

Brian watched her walk away, and I heard him sigh gently. "Penny for your thoughts," I said. He looked over at me and I saw a lazy smile on his face. "Nevermind, I don’t think I want to know your thoughts."

Kevin stepped up next to Brian and looked straight at me. I looked up, and found the emerald eyes that had haunted my dreams for three years. We stared at each other for long moments, and everyone else disappeared. It was if the world had stopped.

Still looking into my eyes, he held out his hand. "Dance with me?" he asked softly.

Throwing all rational thought aside, I quickly set my glass on the table and stood. "Yes," I whispered, taking his hand.

He led me to the middle of the floor, holding my hand gently. He looked down at me, and I saw something in his eyes I’d never seen before. He pulled me into his arms as a new song began. I slipped my arms around him and listened to the opening chords. Kevin sang softly along, his voice a low rumble in my ear.

I rested my head on his chest, listening to the voice of the man that I’d wanted back for so long. Could we work out, if given another chance? I closed my eyes and sighed gently, remembering how safe I always felt when I was in his arms, how complete I felt when I was with him.

He held me in his arms for a long moment after the song ended, and I felt tears in my eyes. The words had new meaning for me now. I realized I couldn’t go back, that I’d had my chance and now it was time to move on. I lifted my head and looked up at him.

"Lex," he whispered, using his own nickname for me.

"Oh, Kevin," I murmured. I ran a finger over his cheek.

"I still love you," he said softly, taking my hand in his. "These three years have been hell."

I nodded; I’d been in hell, too. "I love you, too." He lowered his head and kissed me on the forehead, and I pulled away. "But it’s too late."

"It’s never too late," he said, squeezing my hand. "Please, Lex. I need you."

I shook my head. "No, Kevin. It’s too late." I stepped away from him, bumping into someone. "Goodbye, Kevin. I love you," I whispered, turning and walking away. I tried so hard not to look back, and ignored Sky when she tried to talk to me. I stopped at the doorway and turned back to look at him.

He still stood in the middle of the dance floor, ignoring the people who danced around him. I saw the pain in his eyes, and knew that it was in my eyes as well. I closed my eyes for a few seconds, then turned and left.

THE END

email: kevsgurly@yahoo.com