You’re Gone

(Sequel {kinda} of The Dance)

Brian slowly pushed the door closed, and gently set his suitcase in the hall. He listened closely for a sign of life, and heard music playing softly in the kitchen. He smiled to himself and tiptoed down the hall. He couldn’t wait to see her reaction when she saw him. She wasn’t expecting him until next week, their anniversary. But it had been too long since he’d looked into her eyes, since he’d held her close. Six weeks was a long time to be apart from the one you love, and each day he loved her more.

He heard a loud crash, and a muttered curse. He stepped into the kitchen doorway and glanced around. She was kneeling in front of the sink, gathering silverware that was scattered across the floor. Her back was to him. When she finished, she stood and dumped it all in the sink, turning on the water.

"Way to go. Wash them all, then drop them all on the floor," she mumbled to herself as she leaned over to turn the radio off.

Brian saw the baby monitor on the counter, and heard the gentle cooing of his son. His son. God, how he loved the sound of that. He glanced at his wife again. She went back to washing the dishes. Stepping back, he turned and quietly went upstairs to the nursery.

Teddy bears were the theme; the walls and ceiling were painted sky blue with white clouds. Brian could remember the weekend they’d painted this room, it had been a week before their wedding. Three weeks after the wedding they’d gotten the joyous news that Skyle was pregnant. Brian had taken a hiatus from his career, to be there every day for her.

One month after the birth of his son, the Backstreet Boys had started an extensive world tour, a reunion tour. Brian was reduced to singing lullabies through the phone, to getting photos of his son in his email.

He crossed to the crib and looked down. His heart swelled with pride, with love, with joy. Joseph Abraham Littrell lay on his side; one small hand curled into a fist, clutching a pacifier, the other hand was on his face. He was sleeping peacefully, and had kicked off the blue blanket that Brian was sure Skyle had placed over him.

Brian couldn’t resist. He reached inside and lifted Joe into his arms. Immediately the face crinkled, turned red, and a loud cry came from him. "Shhh…" Brian cuddled him close and hummed softly. He smoothed the small mop of brown hair and looked into the blue eyes that now stared up at him. "Hi, son."

Skyle looked up when she heard the cry, and her eyes widened when she heard Brian’s voice. She stood, in shock, and listened as his angelic voice sang softly, and heard the cries of their son die down. Tears filled her eyes, and she dropped the spoons she held back into the sink, then raced upstairs. She hurried into the nursery and saw him walking around the room, bouncing their son. Her mouth opened to speak, but nothing came out.

Brian looked up and saw her, gave her that smile that always made her weak in the knees. He held a finger up to his lips. "He’s sleep," he whispered. He turned and gently set Joe in the crib, then turned to face her.

She rushed up to him, flinging her arms around him. His arms drew her close, and she squeezed him, not believing he was there. He kissed her cheek, and she turned to kiss him fully on the mouth.

She pulled away suddenly. "Waaaaaaaiiiiiiit a minute!! What are you doing here?"

He smiled sweetly and pulled her from the room, then shut the door. "Surprise," he said. "I couldn’t wait until next week." He touched her cheek. He saw tears in her eyes. "Don’t cry, baby. I’m here for two weeks."

She nodded. "I know. But you’ll be leaving me again. And again." She sniffed and kissed him gently.

"Let’s not worry about that now," he murmured between kisses. "I just want to be with you, and Joe."

Two Weeks Later…

Skyle looked on as Brian packed his things. The two weeks had passed like two minutes. It had been the greatest two weeks of her life. It was as if they were a normal family. As if he never had to leave. They’d watched movies, played games, gone for long walks in the nearby park. When she awoke to the cries of Joe in the middle of the night, Brian was already on his way to check on him.

Brian looked up as he closed his suitcase. "Honey, don’t look at me like that."

She sighed and looked away. "How am I supposed to look? Happy? That you’re leaving me? That I’ll be alone tonight? Should I jump for joy at the fact that when I wake up in the morning you’ll be gone?"

"Skyle, please don’t –"

She shook her head and stood. "Let’s not get started, Brian." She left the room.

Brian watched her leave and sighed. He knew it was tough on her, his leaving all the time. But it was his job, and he loved his job. Didn’t she see that? And didn’t she see that he loved her and Joe, too? He picked up his suitcase and carried it downstairs to the door. He glanced at his watch. He had half an hour to kill.

Skyle was in the living room, by the window, rocking Joe. She looked up, and he saw tears rolling down her cheeks. "Leaving?" she asked coldly.

He shook his head. "I have half an hour."

"Oh." She looked down at Joe, who was sleeping peacefully.

Brian walked over and looked down at her. "Here, lemme take him," he said, reaching for him.

"No. You’re going to leave soon, I’ll keep him."

Nodding, Brian went and sat on the sofa. "I’ll call you from the hotel," he said after a moment.

She shrugged, still looking at Joe. The gentle creak of the rocking chair was the only sound in the room. Brian watched her, the exceedingly maternal vision making him reminisce about the first time he’d ever seen her.

He’d been at a club in LA, extremely bored, and had seen her come in. the first thing he’d noticed was how tall she was, easily four inches taller than he. He’d felt ridiculous, walking over and looking up at her, asking for a dance. She’d been funny, sweet, kind, and they had clicked. He’d just broken up with Leighanne, and had felt broken and unwanted, and she helped him through it. She was great at helping him forget his problems, and by the time he and the guys left LA he’d promised to come back to see her.

He did, whenever he could. Soon they were going out, and one night after watching a movie, they’d been cuddling on her parents’ couch, and he’d popped the question. They’d married the next spring, and now here they were, a year later, barely speaking.

She stood and carried Joe to his port-a-crib in the corner, then went to the armchair. "I don’t think I’ll go to the airport with you," she said.

He jerked his head up. "What?? Why not?"

"What’s the point?" she asked, looking at her nails. "I mean, packing Joe up, fighting the crowd, only to stand there and watch you leave us again? I think it would be best if I stayed home."

Brian opened his mouth, so close to begging, but closed it. "Fine. If that’s what you want."

She nodded. "It is."

He looked at her. "Baby, come sit with me. I want to hold you before I leave," he said, patting the sofa cushion next to him.

She rolled her eyes and stood, walking over to him. She sat next to him, and he pulled her close. She smiled slightly, knowing what was coming next. He pulled her into his lap, kissing her gently. She kissed him back, wishing—hoping—he’d stay forever.

The kiss lasted forever, but was through in a moment. Brian looked into her eyes. "Better not get carried away. Don’t have time."

She sighed and moved away from him. He watched her cross to the window. He didn’t like the way she folded her arms, didn’t like the way she sighed. He heard a gentle sob, and immediately stood and went to her. He pulled her to him, and she pulled away from him.

"Honey, what is it?" he asked.

"This is how it will always be, won’t it? Just when I get used to you being around, you’re gonna leave again. Our son will only see you once in a while. He’ll have to say good night to a picture. I’ll wake up alone, reaching for you. I don’t know how much longer I can handle it."

"Skyle, this is my job."

"I know it is. When I married you, I knew that you’d never belong to me. That no matter what, after a few days you’d pack up and move on."

He looked at her, not comprehending what she meant. "Baby, what does this mean?"

She chewed on her lip. "If you walk out that door, you may as well never walk back. I can’t stand it anymore."

"What? Do you want me to quit the group?"

"No, I can’t make you do that. I know how much you love it. Just go."

"I’m not going to leave you like this."

She sighed and looked out the window. He could feel her closing against him, could feel a wall between them that he hadn't noticed before. He wanted only to pull her into his arms and kiss away her fears, tell her that she and Joe were the most important things in his life. But he knew she didn’t want that now. It was too late to do that.

He turned from her, and walked to the port-a-crib. Joe lay awake, eyes trying to take in as much of the world as they could. He smiled down at him and reached inside to pick him up. Joe sighed and cuddled closer to him. Brian’s eyes welled with tears as the small hand curled around his finger.

Skyle turned from the window and looked at the father and son bonding moment. She wiped the tears from her eyes and looked at the clock. "You better go," she said softly.

Brian nodded. He kissed Joe gently on the top of his head. "I love you, Joe," he murmured, and felt Joe squeeze his finger tightly. He laid him down and kissed him again. "Take care of your Ma, okay?" Joe smiled up at him, and as Brian straightened a tear fell from his eye to Joe's cheek.

Brian turned to Skyle. They looked at each other for a long moment. Skyle shook her head. "Bye, Brian," she said, and left the room.

He started to go after her, started to tell her he didn’t care about the damn tour, that he’d stay with her forever. Instead, he went into the hall and picked up his suitcase and the keys to the car he’d rented from the airport. He gave one quick look around, and took a deep breath. "I love you, Skyle," he whispered, and left.

Two Weeks Later . . .

Brian checked his pager for the millionth time that day. "Fuck," he said, tossing it onto the bed. Skyle hadn't talked to him yet. Not that he’d called. He hadn't paged her, either. He’d talked to her mother, who simply said that she was going through a tough time and would surely reach him as soon as she could.

"If she wasn’t so damn stubborn, we could get over this," he told Nick, who had followed him into the room.

"Oh, yeah? It seems to me that you’re the one being stubborn. Would it kill you to call her? God, I know it’s killing you not being able to hear her voice." Nick flopped down on the bed, remembering when it was Brian giving the love advice. "Call her, man. Tell her you’re sorry you were such an asshole, and that as soon as we’ve finished these last couple weeks of the tour you’re gonna take her and Joe on family vacation."

Brian shook his head. "She told me that if I walked out, I may as well not walk back in."

Nick jerked up. "She told you that?" he asked incredulously.

Brian nodded sadly. "She knows that this is my career, though; that this is important to me."

Nick nodded. "But what’s more important?" he asked softly.

Brian jerked his head up, looking at his best friend. "What do you mean by that? You know the most important thing in my life is my family."

"Then why don’t you tell her that? Maybe that’s all she needs to hear. Sure, music is high on your list right now, but nothing can top her and Joe." Nick stood and walked over to Brian. He patted him on the shoulder. "Call her." He left the room and closed the door, heading down the hall to his own room.

God, please, let them get over this. They belong together. Skyle’s probably the smartest woman I know. She’s brought Brian through some tough times. We were all so happy he’d found The One. So happy when he got married, and I remember how ecstatic we all were when Joe was born.

Nick cast a glance over his shoulder at Brian’s closed door, and knew that a phone call was being made.

Brian picked up the phone and began dialing. Something, though, told him to hang up. He replaced the receiver and sighed. He lay down on the bed, and closed his eyes. He’d call her the minute he woke up.

The phone jangled noisily, jerking him from his snooze. He leaped up and grabbed the phone. "Hello?"

"Brian?"

It was his mother. What did she want? He’d just talked to her that morning. Oh, no. Not Dad. "Mom? What is it?" He heard a soft sob, and knew it was terrible news. "Calm down, Mom. Tell me."

Taking a deep breath, Jackie let it out slowly. "It’s Skyle."

"Skyle?"

"Honey, you’ve got to come home. Immediately."

"What’s going on? Is Joe okay? Mom, what’s wrong?" Brian’s mind was reeling.

A sob escaped her. "Joe’s fine, Brian. It’s Skyle. She was in an accident."

Brian lowered his head, knowing now. His throat closed, and he could feel his heart shattering into millions of pieces. Tears seeped through his tightly closed eyes. "When?"

"This morning. She was on her way to see you." Jackie was crying, too. She took a moment and cleared her throat. "She went quickly."

Brian took a deep breath, choking back a sob. "And Joe?"

"He’s with her mother."

Brian nodded. "I’m on my way now, Mom."

"Be careful, dear."

"I will. I’ll get Nick to come with me." He hung up and stood. Sobs escaped, and he put his hands over his face as despair coursed through his body. He lost track of where he was or what was going on. He knew only that she was gone. Skyle, his heart screamed. You can’t leave me. I didn’t get to say goodbye, didn’t get to say I love you. No! We were supposed to live happily ever after. We were gonna have lots of kids, grow old together, bounce our grandchildren on our knees. He sagged against the wall. His chest ached, his head throbbed. The tears were nonstop, and his body heaved for breath.

The door flew open, and Nick and the others raced inside, concern etched on their faces. Brian looked up at them, and it took him a few moments to calm down enough to tell them. He looked from face to face. Kevin, his cousin, the best man at their wedding. AJ, Joe’s godfather. Howie, who had helped them find the perfect home down in Florida. Nick, his best friend in the entire world, the one he’d called at four o’clock in the morning when Skyle had gone into labor. They’d been there through everything, and were still with him.

He pulled his knees to his chest and looked down. "She’s dead," he said. He sobbed again, and didn’t see the expressions of shock, realization and somberness cross their faces. He felt someone sit next to him, felt an arm around his shoulders. He turned and buried his head on Nick’s shoulder as sorrow racked his body again.

Brian went through the next week in a daze. He was only aware of Joe, and the fact that Skyle was gone. He refused to let anyone take care of Joe for him, lest God decided it was time for him to go, too. He planned Skyle’s funeral with help from her best friend, Lexi.

He was sitting in the pew at the front of the church, half an hour before the funeral was scheduled to start. He held Joe close. This is it, he thought. This is going to be the last time that I’ll be alone with her. Tears threatened to start again. He placed Joe in his seat and stood. On shaky legs, he walked up to the casket, looking inside.

"I won’t be the same without you," he whispered. Tears began to fall. He reached into his pocket, taking out her wedding band and engagement ring. Her mother had gotten them from the funeral director. The diamond glittered in the soft light. A symbol of my undying love for you, he thought, and slipped it onto her finger.

He glanced up and saw one of the assistants waiting nearby, ready to close the coffin. He nodded and looked down at her again. "I love you, Skyle. And I swear, I’ll take care of Joe." He leaned over and kissed her gently on the lips. "Goodbye," he murmured softly as he straightened.

Three Years Later . . .

Joseph Abraham Littrell walked alongside his father, clutching the bouquet of white roses and a card in his hands. He glanced up at his father, and then looked around. They were in the cemetery, he knew. A graveyard. Mama’s birthday. Daddy was sad.

Brian glanced down at his son, and saw Skyle in him. He smiled. "Come on, Joe, let me carry you," he said, and reached over, swinging him into his arms.

Joe laughed. "Flowers, Daddy," he said, pulling the roses so they wouldn’t get crushed.

"That’s right. Roses." Brian squeezed him, then continued walking. The sun shone brightly, and he heard birds chirping nearby. The sky was blue, the clouds fluffy and beautiful. Skyle’s favorite type of day, he thought.

He still couldn’t believe she was gone. Many nights he woke up reaching for her, calling out her name. He would dream she was in his arms, and awake to find he was only clutching a pillow. He’d come home and could imagine her rushing down the stairs to greet him, or coming from the kitchen.

He stopped walking, and stopped at the gravestone. He set Joe down and dropped to his knees. Joe stood next to him, watching silently.

Brian glanced around. Everything was as it should be. The lavender roses—Skyle’s favorite—he ordered once a week were there, as well as some others. He knew that the daisies were from Nick, who was in England now. The tiger lilies would be from AJ, the gardenias from Howie, and the red roses from Kevin. They all thought of her on her birthday, he knew, and it endeared them to him even more.

Joe placed the roses against the headstone, and looked at Brian to make sure he was doing it right. Brian nodded, and Joe set the card next to the roses, proud of the large ‘M’ in ‘Mama’ that he’d written himself. "Is Mama here?" he asked softly.

"No, son. Mama’s in Heaven." Brian pulled him into his arms.

Joe nodded. He looked around. It was so quiet. "Where’s Heaven, Daddy?"

Brian squeezed him gently, then pointed towards the sky. "See? See the clouds?" he asked. Joe nodded again. "Mama’s up there, watching us."

"Why can’t she be here?"

"She is. She’s everywhere. Look." Brian pointed to the passage carved under Skyle’s name.

"What’s that say?" Joe asked.

Brian read it to him, slowly. " ‘Do not stand at my grave and weep; I am not there, I do not sleep. I am the autumn wind that blows; and the diamond glints in the snow. When you awaken in the morning light, I am the sweet uplifting rush of quiet birds circled in flight. I am the star that shines in the night. Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there . . . I did not die.’ "

Joe listened carefully. As his Daddy finished, he felt a gentle breeze blowing. He closed his eyes, resting his head against Brian’s chest. Mama, he thought, sighing.

"Come on, let’s go see Aunt Lexi," Brian said, standing up. He glanced down at the gravestone. "Goodbye, Skyle," he whispered softly. "I love you."

Joe slid to the ground and took his hand, tugging on it. "Let’s go!" he shouted cheerfully.

The End

email: kevsgurly@yahoo.com

Lyrics to 'You're Gone' -- as performed by Diamond Rio