August 18th, 2002
Well hello everyone! How goes it? Well, yesterday was not only my party but my 7 month birthday for the surgery as well. Very interesting day yesterday was. I think the biggest thing is that I really truly saw how much i've changed within myself. I used to LOVE parties. I loved being a hostess and whipping up fun parties. I loved large crowds and drama. Now, I find that's no longer what matters to me. I don't mind attending a party don't get me wrong, but I don't know if i'll ever throw one again. I felt like I was running around doing damage control all evening. I was trying to make everyone happy and the end result was I didn't get to spend much quality time with anyone. My mother was being a bitch as usual. I just tried to let it go, but it irked me a little. I wanted to sit down with people and talk to them but I didn't really get the chance. I think next year a dinner with select people will do. I no longer wish for quanitity which for a fat girl is BIZZARE! I think I also need to have alcohol free parties because it seems that the people drinking were the ones causing most of the grief. Don't get me wrong, all and all I did have an okay time. Guess I had expectations of the day and they weren't met. I can't really be mad at anyone. Except my mother because let's face it, I need a scape goat! :) LOL
I totally forgot yesterday was my surgery birthday. My life has truly moved beyond WLS and into what everyone else must deal with: LIFE. I don't even know how much weight i've lost this month. I'm gonna have to update my stats and find out. I lived for my weight and today I didn't even weigh myself. The whole focus of my life is totally shifting. I don't mind tho, because I don't really miss anything from my old life per say. My friend Symphony that is preop was at my party. I was so glad she was here! It was great to spend some time with her. I remember a week before my surgery I was a total wreck. I was crying like every 2 minutes. No one called me to check on me before my surgery, I felt totally alone. Hardly anyone called me post op during the first month which is the hardest. Guess i'm still hurt in ways. Watching her was like watching my old stuggles and pain. I'll never forget where I was or who I was. Hell, I don't even have good "pre op" fat pictures because they are still too painful for me to really look at. I guess the difference is instead of these thoughts being EVERY waking thought I now have a life and they are passing thoughts. A total blessing tho. Yea, i'm gonna be in therapy for a LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG time! :) *giggle* On to brighter topics, I love all my gifts for my b-day. Today the man and I had some amazing sex. I cried because it was just beautiful and sweet and romantic. Then we went shopping and then to my favorite sushi place for my b-day dinner (I have a reiki client on my actual b-day). I smudged my house to clean it of all the energy that came thru here yesterday. Now we are cleaning and stuff, just getting things back to normal. I feel really peaceful now that I just got all this stuff off my chest. I think this journal keeps me sane sometimes because I basically use it as a diary. Probably why it's one of the FEW things i've actually stuck with longer than a month.Part of me really wants to get gut honest but then I feel like I should hold back. How personal should one really get on the web?
Guess i'll just always do what feels right at the time and then let it go and let what happens happen. Okay, i've totally rambled at this point. Much love to everyone! :) |
