mayjune

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May 26, 2003

Well I can partly blame Geocities, and mostly myself :) Sheer lack of time. Thank you everyone for the kind emails I've had in the last few days. I forget that people actually read this site and have found anything helpful from it. I've used it for a vent rag mostly, thanks for caring. Well, my dogs have ate my mouse and my scanner is dead (I believe). I need a digital camera badly. Where have I been? All over the place. Funny thing, when you lose the weight you lose the desire to sit in front of a computer and type all day. I used to run home to be online, now i'd rather just be running. Of course, I haven't done much running these days. The pregnancy is coming along. I've had some complications and it's taken a pretty nasty toll on my body. I was actually a person with pre existing medical problems which qualified me for my surgery and they haven't totally gone away. With gaining weight back again (22lbs and counting) some of them have come back. My blood pressure starting going up which scared the hell out of me. I got it back down thankfully. This past week my asthma finally got the best of me and I ended up at the hospital Wednesday night. I now have to take a steroid inhaler to get thru the day. It's amazing but true, it was easier being 315lbs than pregnant. My body hurt, but NEVER like this. Let's just say i'm being honest about my experience, I find nothing fun about being pregnant. Today I start my last trimester thankfully. My baby shower is in 2 weeks and i'm pretty excited about that. The cool thing is when I feel Anya kick and move. I can see parts of her body (not sure what tho). It's what redeems this whole experience *grin*
What I've really thought about this past weekend is this: I finally got my body back. I could do anything I wanted to with ease, and now i'm struggling to breathe and walk. It sucks that I sit on the 2nd floor of my building and I have to take the elevator. I loved taking the stairs, because I could. Now I can't and I'm struggling. I know it's only temporary.......but it feels like forever everytime I try to sit up, walk, move. Poor me eh? LOL Let's move on shall we? I think lately I've been changing, growing, and most importantly learning to let things go. I've lost some friends, made some awesome new friends, and really work with my husband to make us better. I've starting reading this really good book called The Four Agreements. You can take what you like and leave the rest, but there's some really good shit in that book. I've really been able to apply so much of it to myself. I've been thinking about my parents, my family, my current relationships with people. Thinking about what kind of a parent I want to be. All this and work too! I have a friend at work now that is starting her surgery journey and it's cool to watch her go thru it all. Reminds me of the little things what mark how far i've come. I still LOVE my job which is awesome. God, i'm SO glad to be gone from the hell pit of which I worked for before. Sun rules! My bosses are just two fucking cool people. One of my bosses sings in a band. I was able to stay awake and check him out Saturday night. They were pretty cool, I had a good time. If your in the bay area of CA check them out:
www.megatones.net My boss harassed me the whole night and I totally loved it. I told him I wanted a raise and payback was a bitch :) I felt so.......respected and valued. I am not just the lackey at work pushing 8-5 unnoticed. My boss thinks i'm a cool person and likes my work. It just feels so nice. The man and I have been doing a bunch of work on the house as well. He more so that I because I can't do much. I paint doors and such but he's redoing our hardwood floors and installing base molding......stuff like that. The nursery is pretty much done which is very cool. We just need furniture now :) I just can't believe it's already the end of May. DAMN! It's going so quickly......2003. I guess all in all, I need to take it easy and relax. I just always let stress get the best of me. I can not wait for shutdown - the 4th of July weekend Sun shuts down and we have the week off. Then I go on maternity leave 2 weeks after that. Yeehaw! Another cool thing is that Java One - this tradeshow - is coming up. My company is paying for my hotel room up in San Francisco for a night to attend our departments party. The room is unfucking- believeable!!! I'm just so excited to go up there for the night and have a good time. I even get to bring the man (but he's a Sun employee too so it's not very odd). I love technology companies! :)
Well, i've babbled enough. I'm off all.................loves and hugs...........til next time....................

June 9th, 2003

Howdy folks! Things are coming along these days. Still fairly busy but giving myself more resting time. Work is hectic but good, still enjoy the job. I had my baby shower this past weekend. It was amazing to me, and totally beautiful. I had all my friends and family there (well, mostly but my sister is forgiven) to celebrate motherhood with me. It's always hard to try to spend time with everyone, but at least I was able to see everyone and get hugs which to me is more important than most things. The shower experience is sorta a mixed bag in a way - it's the last milestone in the pregnancy. The only thing really left is birth *ouch* and I ended up spending the rest of the weekend with the - OMG i'm going to be a mommy - thought process. I was asked today if I was scared if my child was going to be obese, and my fly out of my mouth answer was HELL YES. I fear that my child will become overweight or god forbid obese. I never want my little girl to know the hell and insecurites of living fat in a world full of hate. My fear is that the simple fear for her will cause me to unknowingly show her negative relationships with food and she'll have to battle it out just like I did. I question if I have the patience to be a mother, or the will to sacrifice. I wonder if my temper will ever get the best of me. I'm sure my mother and father never thought they'd grow up to beat their kids - ya know. I have a counseling appointment next week with my man. I want to work thru all this parenting stuff and really make our relationship strong. I want to build a solid family, and I never want my child to see or feel anything I did when I was young. I want to keep her pure at heart for as long as possible. I guess it's all sinking in now, esp after getting the nursery done and filling it with things for Anya that will be her new life. I pass by the hospital that we are having her in and I think to myself wow....that's the place where i'm gonna meet my daugther for the first time. Anyways.......it's past my bedtime so i'm gonna go get tucked in and comfy. Something to chew on: how do you not becoming the thing you concentrate on the most?? :) Have a wonderful night everyone.................