Matt, who was kissing my neck up and down, took no notice, and carried on pushing me against the wall. 'I mean it, Matt!' I said, pushing him away from me. He looked stunned. 'Oh god. I'm- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-'
'No, I know. You don't want James to catch us. Fine by me. Round the bike sheds it is, then!'
'No, Matt,' I said firmly. 'I can sense that he's around. Call me paranoid but I really, really don't want to hurt him. He loves me too much.'
'I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes!' Matt joked. I shot a cold look at him and pretended to kick him in the crown jewels. 'Oww!' he said, pretending to fall to the floor. 'Whenever I fall, at your feet!'
'MATT!' I hissed, trying not to be heard. He got up.
'I know James loves you, but believe me, I love you more.'
'You wanna prove it?' I teased him.
Matt pulled me round to the bike sheds, and my skirt got caught on one of the bikes, riding up so that Matt could get a grip on my leg. 'Even better,' he said. 'You want me to prove it to you?'
'Umm, okay, if James can't see,' I said, shaking not only because it was cold, but because I was scared. School would end any minute now, and James could come out and receive a free biology lesson from Matt and me. 'Just.. ..umm.. ..make.. ..it.. ..quick.'
'Stop fucking freaking about James, okay, he's not going to find out,' said Matt, who was getting more and more annoyed. 'Anyways, what harm would it do to find out the truth? His girlfriend doesn't love him anymore, and she's going out with,' he pulled away from me and did a stupid face. 'The Mattmeister. The King of Golf.'
I straightened my tie and buttoned up my shirt, trying to look as if nothing had happened. I was supposed to meet James after school, and luckily, he'd probably not want to do the same thing. I shivered at the thought. It had hurt with Matt. I'd been going out with James for longer, but he was more of a best mate than a proper boyfriend. I felt guilty about going out with Matt, but it was only because my mum had banned me from seeing James after seeing him give me a closer-than-usual hug. I cried, I rebelled, I even ran away, I did the whole works, but little did I know that I'd attracted Matt in the process. Matt was a popular kid, so if I ever summoned up the courage to ditch him, he would go round the school saying that I was a whore and a slag. I didn't want that, but I knew that one day, I'd hurt James enough to kill him.
Seeing him come out of school, I suppressed the lump rising up in my throat. Tears were welling up in my eyes as I saw him, knowing that I'd cheated on him. James took one look in my eyes, and ran over to give me a hug. 'Hey,' he said. 'What's wrong?'
'N-nothing,' I sniffed as he ran his hands through my hair. 'I-I... my stomach really hurts, that's all.' He held his hand to my face and dried my tears gently.
'Where were you all throughout Biology? Don't tell me you were feeling sick again. That's the third time this week. Get yourself checked out. We can't have a dead Jules, can we?'
'No, we can't,' I sniffed in agreement. James smiled, and I felt my heart thump loud enough for the whole road to hear. James always made me feel warm inside when he smiled. It was wonderful and it just made me want to hug him back and never, ever let go. We would be in each other's arms forever, and nothing would come between us.
'I've got a surprise,' James said, leading me away too quickly to start crying again. I saw Matt's face, and he stared at James jealously, as if to say 'I'll make sure you never get between me and my girl, again.' James stared back at him, scowling at him. James and Matt were enemies and they never got on. Matt was Mr Popular, king of the world, and James was just an ordinary boy, really. But somehow, I felt that there was something more to their dislike of each other that I didn't know. 'What is his problem? I don't like the way he looks at you,' James said. I gulped nervously. 'Promise me something, Julia,' James pleaded. He never called me Julia.
'What?' I said, still looking at Matt. Matt stared back at me and mouthed the words 'Tomorrow, bike sheds', and then looked away. I snapped back into Jamesworld.
'Promise me that whatever Matt threatens you with, never go with him.'
'Why the hell would I go out with him?' I said, so quickly that I wasn't even sure if I implied that Matt and I were going out.
James whispered in my ear. Matt looked at me suspiciously before going out of the gate. 'Rumour has it that he got a girl pregnant because he threatened to call her a whatever in front of the whole school, and she was stupid enough to go with him,' he muttered. I looked up at him, shocked. I liked Matt, and although I knew that he did have some flaws, I never thought him capable of such a thing. I suddenly worried about myself, and put a hand to my stomach. 'Where did you hear this?'
'It goes around,' James said. 'Because of the way he looks at you, I was just worried about you.'
I bit my lip. I'd have to get the Pill sooner or later, or the rumours would be about me. 'I p-p-promise.'
'Come with me,' James dragged me down the road, parallel to the strip of pavement that Matt and his gang were walking home. James stopped, and kissed me right in Matt's view. I returned the kiss, but refused to look at Matt. This is who I really love, I thought to myself. Why can't I break up with Matt?
As Matt's gang departed, which seemed like forever, James took me down the road, and into an alleyway. In the alleyway was a motorbike. James looked at it proudly. I knew that it was his.
'Is this all you've come to make me lie to my mum about?' I said. 'A motorbike?'
'No,' said James. 'Let's go for a ride.'
James put his helmet on. 'Oh god, you don't have one, do you?' he said. 'Umm..'
'Doesn't matter,' I said. This is so dangerous, but I like it, I thought to myself. If only you could stay alive, Julia...
James got on the back of the motorbike. 'I swear, I'll take care of you,' he said. I nodded, and kissed his helmet. I got on behind James, and we went speeding down the alleyway.
'Woo hoo! I'm the king of the world!' James screamed, as he drove down the motorway. I hung on so tight, as I knew that if I let go, my face would be imprinted in the road. I looked down at the shades of grey and white flickering past the bike from the tarmac. I screamed too. 'Where on earth did you get this.. ..thing?' I screamed at James.
'It's nothing,' James said. 'I think it's rather cool.'
I hugged James tighter. 'Hey, go easy there, I think you're cutting off my lungs!' he shouted. He went forward, and looked down at the dials on his motormike. He laughed, but didn't say anything more.
'Jules, h-how much do you love me,' he said, shivering through his jacket.
'I love you.. ..as many times as the moon has been around the earth in.. ...sixty million years.' I leaned on him.
'If you love me, take off my helmet.'
I gasped. 'Umm, why? I don't need one, I'm not dead yet.'
'Just take off my helmet and put it on!'
I took off his helmet quickly, so as not to impair his vision, and put it on. The motorbike just got faster and faster...
'James, can you, erm, slow down?' James turned around to look at me for a second, and then turned back round again to turn the motorbike. 'It's scaring me.'
'Can do. Pocket,' he said, in an odd tone. 'Jules, I love you.'
'I love you too James, I thought I'd said that.'
'Yeah, but I have never s-said it. I'll always l-love you.'
I looked forward, and realised why James was sounding so nervous and saying that he loved me. 'James, the brakes!'
'I can't!'
'James, just try!' I put my hands over his head.
'I can't, Jules, I just can't.'
'James!'
'Bye, Jules.' I could hear a quiver in his voice as if he was crying out silently.
'JAMES!'
The TV in front of me buzzed with excitement, and laughter. I turned the volume up louder, but I couldn't seem to hear it. All I could hear, was the blank void in which my brain lay, trying to think things through.
I had not seen James since the crash. I had no idea what had happened to him, because I was pushed out of the way whilst the paramedics were desperately trying to keep him alive, and whilst another group of annoying green uniformed people tried to see what damage had been done to me. In short, we had been separated.
I sat bolt upright as the regional news flashed on my screen. 'Just fucking hurry up!' I said, as the opening credits thundered out on screen. I listened eagerly for any news.
'Are you alright love?' my mum said briskly as she walked into the room. She tried to give me a hug, but I shrugged away. I knew that she felt guilty about James, and that she knew the truth. But she would never tell it to me, not whilst I was in this state.
'I'll sit down and watch it with you, eh love?' she said. I shot a blank stare at her and blinked away my tears. 'Just leave me alone!' I said, proceeding to hit her. She shifted away.
'In the evening of the 17th of April, two teenagers and an adult from Southend-On-Sea were involved in a severe motorcycle crash near to Thorpe Bay. Our reporter, Clare Willis, is at the scene. We join her now,' the newsreader said. I bit my lip anxiously. Get to the point, get to the point, I thought, then causing my lip to bleed.
'So Clare, what is the condition of the two people involved, and can you give us a general overview of the incident?'
'As you said earlier, these two teenagers were involved in a motorbike crash on this road near the beach,' Clare said, pointing around her. I stared at the screen and saw the ruins of the bike, and lots of red on the floor. A car nearby had also been destroyed in the accident.
'Now, we do not know how the teenagers came to obtain the bike in the first place, as it was not licensed, so they are likely to be underage. Nor will anybody involved in solving the mystery of the accident give out any information, such as names, of the people involved. However, we do know that on Wednesday night, which happened to become a precarious night for driving, a car collided into the motorbike, causing it to career off the road, and flip over a nearby barrier. One of the victims is on a life support machine in hospital.'
I gulped. It could be James. My mum hugged me again.
'Listen,' she said. 'I know you liked James very much...'
'I loved him Mum, how can you say that I merely liked him?'
'Well,' she stammered, 'erm, just in case anything should happen to him, he did give me this, before he left for school that morning. I haven't read it. I couldn't.'
Mum pressed a piece of folded up, lined paper into my hands, and I switched off the TV to go up to my room.
I slumped onto my bed. As the seconds went by, tick tock, on the old, dusty clock on the wall, I watched the raindrops fall like tears past my window, and played with the piece of paper in my hand. For about five minutes, this went on. Sooner or later, I wouldn't have any of it, and unfolded the paper hastily. I read it out under my breath.
'Dear Julia,
What do you get when you combine a guy who can't live his life right who's in love with a girl who's in love with a guy who can live his life right?'
I paused right there, and gasped, feeling the cold air rattle around my lungs. I looked in horror at the change of colour in the writing, which was now a shade of blood red.
'You get a sacrifice.'
I walked up and down the cold alleyway, my heart occasionally skipping a beat with the cold. He loves me. I saw a face in the shadows of a black hooded top. He pulled his hood down, and I saw his face. The dyed black hair, the dark eyes... ...he loves me not.
'Hey,' Matt said. 'You rang?'
'Matt, we drastically need to talk,' I stumbled, under my breath. When would I ever sum up the courage to say the two words that would make my heart leap freely once more? He loves me.
'What about?' he said, drawing in so close to me, that I could see his lips turn a blue-ish purple, and so I could count the raindrops on his nose. I took a step backwards from him, but he pulled me closer. 'Now that James is gone...' he whispered suggestively, moving his lips closer to mine. I pushed away. He loves me not.
'That's exactly what I wanted to talk about, Matt,' I muttered, my teeth chattering violently and every bone in my body rattling nervously. I took a huge breath and looked at my feet. Finding comfort in a pair of Vans retains sanity, I thought. Now that's a good ad campaign.
'Matt, look, I'm sorry, but, we have to end it,' I stuttered so fast, I could barely think about it. I refused a glance at Matt's face, but I sensed in the air and aura around him that he wasn't best pleased about it. 'I'm sorry, but I think you should understand.' Matt shook me by the shoulders. He loves me.
'What the fuck do I have to understand about it?' he said. 'No one ever dumps me. You'll regret this, Julia.' I stepped backwards. I wasn't exactly looking for trouble, but I knew that I had to run. I ran backwards into a tramp, who grunted at me angrily. 'Watch it, you fucking cunt!' he shouted. He loves me not.
I closed my eyes as Matt slammed me against the wall. He reached down into my top and pulled it off me. I felt my bare skin meet with the icy air. He pulled my skirt down, and my bra off. He loves me.
I looked to my side, and I saw the tramp groaning at a bit of free porn. 'I think you've done it there, little Miss,' he said, staring at me with hugely open, grey eyes. Matt turned to me whilst undoing his flies. 'You are never, ever leaving me again,' he said with a leer. He pushed himself inside of me, causing me to lurch forward, but not so I could call out. I didn't dare. I felt too faint.
He loves me not.
I walked along with everybody else from my school into the church. It was so cold, I think that I possibly had a brain freeze. I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, but persuaded myself that I was strong. I carried on walking.
'Are you okay?' asked Emily, my torturer from now on. She found out what happened from the tramp. I paid her to keep her gossip-driven gob poignantly shut. Emily jabbed me in the stomach to grab my attention. I nodded painfully and grabbed my stomach, which was more rounded than usual. It couldn't have happened, I thought. Just couldn't. She pointed towards the coffin that was being laid down into a deep, rectangular hole in the damp ground. I cried out, but shut myself up. This was your fault, Julia, I mused, looking down at the coffin. Under my breath, I sang almost silently. 'Would you hold my hand if I saw you in heaven? Would you help me stand, if I saw you in heaven?'
Suddenly, somewhere in the distance, I saw a grey face, looking directly at me. I recognised the blonde hair, but the blue eyes looked tired now. I felt sure that I was the only person who could hear his voice. He replied to my song. 'I'll find my way through night and day, cos I know, I just can't stay here in heaven.'