| The days go by so slowly. One day seems to take two. One week feels like a month, and a blink of an eye can seem to last for eternity. It may be to the point where I think I may have stepped back a day. AM I falling into a depression? Is my life a void of the pleasures I once knew? I rarely see Nick anymore, even on my days off. He's with Mason all the time. |
| Todd and I are still unbareably far apart. I hardly ever share a meal with my parents. My sister lives in another state. I do socialize when I'm at work. That's something. It's still lacking though. If I were a Sim, my Social bar would be completely red and I would be saying that I was too depressed to do anything. It's not pleasant to be me right now. |
| I have a part-time job that doesn't pay enough with a company in bakrupcy. I have a feeling it will go completely under in a matter of months. I don't have a college degree. I don't have any focus. I can play video games, but I'm not ofrtunate enough to live in a metropolis where the opportunity to be a game tester is high. I live in shitty South Dakota. |
| I like to eat, but agriculture is really not my thing. I like web design, but I don't have any mind-blowing ideas. I have "starter skills," but it's hard for me to get past those beginner/intermediate skills. I dapple in many different things in multimedia, but am not specialized in any way. I feel stuck, angry, helpless, and too proud to accept help from anyone including my family. |
| My younger sister is married, but not truly happy I think. I don't want to be the kid that lives in their parents' basement until their late forties. I feel tired most of the time. I haven't lost any weight. I haven't tried either. I stay up late for no real reason. My life is dull, lacking, and won't improve for some time. |
| Now I know how Todd must have felt all those years before I meet him. He told me that in a way I "saved" him. He was going stir-crazy. Sure, he kept in contact wiht a group of friends in Sioux Falls, but nothing else excited him. I've known him for over two years. It was great the first year. I wonder if he was getting a little bored after that first year. Out internet chats are short, not very interesting, and have horribly long pauses as though we're both looking for anything to say. Maybe I'm the only one looking and he's already too bored and has quit. Maybe I'm not exciting, interesting, flirtacious, or whatever like I was when we first met that late January day in 2000. |
| Distance doesn't help much. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder. I say distance as a lifestyle makes the heart bored and static. Todd thinks that getting together every weekend is too much. We did that constantly when we first met. A week apart was OK, but we were excited to see each other. |
| I don't know what he's thinking, and I never ask. I'm afraid he's going to say something that will send me into tears. Just about anything will do that anymore. Even talking to both my parents will always put me into tears sooner or later. |
| Why do I cry like a baby? Why do i lose it so easily? I wish I didn't cry at all some times. I never used to be that way. Maybe it's because of lots of things. Being bullied throughout school (except college), my parents always giving me the negative about everything (they never have chosen the right things to say). Mom always gives me the bullshit live "Now, I don't mean this to put you down..." or "I don't want this to sound mean or cruel..." or something similar, but she always does anyway. I'm always put down. |
| And I'm sick of that shit line "Well, that's just the truth." Well fucking bend the truth a little so I don't always end up feeling like shit! You tried mom, but you were always a horrible talker/lecturer. Dad was never better. I'm always intimidated by him. Maybe because usually he was the one that hit me when I was younger. I'm truly scared of him sometimes. |
| Anyway, this is where the paper ends and the digital keeps going. I'm too tired and too sad and depressed to write anymore. I think I've come to the conclusion that I have acute depression, but will be too lazt to do anything about it. I've have bouts like this before and have gotten ove rit sooner or later. It just sucks to be me right now. |
| 1:38 AM 5/24/2002 Kim Pautsch |