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Randomness
ok, alone or not, i just need to learn and accept that both states are
equally viable. One state is not intrinsically better than the other
and so people in either state are equally in a state of completeness.
1; 2; both represent a wholeness. Stop worrying about it, just stop...
indeed. desire is the root of all evil; that which we cause unto others
and unto ourselves. what we want frequently comes to odds with the wants
of others and we hurt each other intentionally and unintentionally to
satisfy desire. we hurt ourselves by becoming martyrs and sacrificing
what we want to coexist peacfully with others.
so i just need to stop wanting, desiring, and it'll all be good...yeah, i
simply must stop, stop, and since i don't want, i can't feel the emptiness
of not having...i won't feel anything...is this nirvana?
i want to completely and utterly give up at moments on every stupid thing
in my life. just lay in bed and wait until my body and spirit get tired
of each other and agree to part ways. Final release...
But i'm glad that inside myself there's a furious little firefly that won't
ever quit and at the very moment when i want to close my eyes forever
it illuminates and shows me wonder and magic; i can't sleep forever
then...because i want to see the next sparkling instant.
so no, i won't give up...makenai...never.
a topic close to my heart, regardless of how i push it away...
what words are the appropriate brushes with which to complete
the painting of emptiness?
it starts as a heavy spherical load, mid-chest
and begins to spin and pulsate
the waves surge slow and soft
brushing everything like a faint breeze
when it hits the skin it resonates as one
any army of ants fanning out
hollow, like the tin man
no, that's not quite it, i'll try again later...
that's a reason to get to later, right?
to adaquately describe emptiness...
i want to give up my eyesight...because my eyes well they just show me
things that lead me to a dark place...pero no quiero vivir en el oscuro.
Y mis ojos son un sentido traidor, que me ayudan herirme, me regalan
armas y herramientos para combatir con mi mismo.
mas en verdad, no son los ojos de mi rostro que quiero cegar; son los ojos
con que mira mi corazon; como se cega este par de ojos metafisicos? ya no
quiero ver, ya no quiero mirar, ya no quiero este corazon...
running from love and then turning around to find no one chasing you,
a sobering moment, no? but at least you can stop and rest for a while, right?
jaja...my hope playing tag with my imagination again...
jaja, i am such a liar...i have tears...tears enough to create oceans
on the moon. and one day when i cry again i think everything will be better,
but there are just words and fury that i won't let go of because they
keep me company. i'm so stupid, it makes me laugh.
i want to cry; save the me drowning at the bottom of the well.
Ok, sorry for being so down on myself to everyone who reads these, but i
just need to get it out of myself...its a purifying experience...
still when i see other people through my eyes...i want to find all the
things that make that person fantastic!!! but if i want to see myself, i
have to turn to my reflection. And unfortunately, all there ever seems to
be are fun house mirrors to stretch, squish, pull, and deform the image i
see of myself...
fine, no more mirrors, no more reflections, just i and myself (or is it me
and myself...? whatever.)
a mirror gives the reflection, but the reflection and the thing being
reflected are not the same "being"; they are two separate existences, the
reflection wholly dependent on the original "being"; so the "being" has the
power to change the reflection...just a mind exercise which could use more
precise wording...
it's a difficult march every sunday to press onward towards mass. why am
i going to a church to participate in a religious ceremony which demands
complete submission to its laws, no gray areas...this or that...
on to the point...why go to a place where the people are taught to negate my
existence? ugh...makes me both nervous and hypocritcal...
what bothers me the most is that it even bothers me; it shouldn't, why
should i feel guilt? damn it!!!
but then again...why are some "christians" so blind that they persecute
other people en masse. doesn't it remind them of another scenario where
an important someone was being persecuted for being different...hmmm...how
"christian" are they after all?
isn't rather diculous:
How does my existence threaten yours?
Am I hurting you somehow: physically, emotionally?
I don't think the Infinite Oneness would punish us for loving, when that
was the main point of the message He gave us...
so why do i still feel guilty, because its hard to shut out a world that i
must exist in evey day...
i look up a mountain side and there u are bravely pushing toward the summit.
Sure it gets more dangerous the higher u go, but the view must be fantastic.
And here i stand at the base wondering what its like up there, but its a
power that eludes confinement in words. But i want to see and dig my hands
furiously into the rock and soil, scramble up a distance; the mountain gives
way, flings me back to the earth below. Why, why can't i climb any higher?
Oh, i see, the only way to ascend this mountain is in pairs. Two people
helping, supporting, protecting, loving each other. So no matter how
calloused or bloody my hands and feet get; regardless of how tightly i grit
my teeth or tearstained my face becomes, i'll never see life from the top of
the world...
...the moon, water, the wind...and
the kitsune
Pain and Dark Chocolate
Why can't i snuff out my hope; it breeds bitter disappointment at every
turning of a corner. Maybe at the next crossway the one i am meant to find
at this moment will be standing, and time will jerk backwards and forwards,
like a missed heart beat. No!!! This, this...is this not sufficient reason
for which to condemn my hope to death as a treacherous traitor?
Tear out this heart; plunge it into liquid nitrogen; hurl this heart against
wall; laugh as it fractures into a spray of glittering ice...
Why are we all in so much pain? Is it the same pain? Why are so many of my
friends hurting?
The vessel is empty of thoughts and emotions;
the empath absorbs the weight of your sadness...
the empath burns in the flames of your fury...
the empath drowns in the sea of your lonliness...
You are free...go...be happy.