LANGUAGE ARTS

By Dark Vortex and Rogue Phoenix

We don't own Gundam Wing.  Don't yell at us.

"How's this?  'Shinigami, the God of Death--'"
"We think he's probably on meth," Wufei muttered.  Duo continued blithely.
"Doesn't--doesn't-- hey guys, what can I put here that rhymes with death?"
"Um... 'Doesn't hang with girls named Beth?'" Hilde suggested.  Duo scowled.
"No, no, Hildy!  Something frightening and cool-sounding!"  A burst of light purple kawaiiness lit up his eyes.  "Wait!  I know!"  He began to scribble furiously.
The teacher stood and walked to the front of the room.  "All right, class!  Now that you've started your poems, I'll be coming around to watch your progress!  Keep those juices flowing!"  Everyone rolled their eyes.  Mrs. Vontreger walked to Heero first.  "Let's see what you have, Heero.  Hmm... 'Omae...'"  She blanched.  "Oh.  Oh, my.  Very--nice, Heero."
She moved to Sally.  She glanced at the paper, then at the cross-looking Wufei, then at the paper again.  "I... see."  Sally beamed and kept scribbling.
"Heeeeeeeerrrrrrrroooooooo!" came the piercing shriek from across the room.  "Come see my poem Heeeeeeeerrrrrrrroooooooo!  It's about you Heeeeeeeerrrrrrrroooooooo!"  Mrs. Vontreger rushed over.
"Shh, young lady!  You'll disturb everyone!  Show your poem to Heero later!"  She picked up the paper.  Reading, she blushed delicately.  "Oh... um, let's have you read last, okay?"  Relena snatched back her poem.
"I'm the Queen of the World, and I demand to read first!"
"Why don't we discuss it later..."  Mrs. Vontreger ran to Noin's desk.  Noin sat motionless, staring across her blank paper at Zechs.
"Noin, dear, why haven't you started yet?"
"Getting inspiration," she mumbled absentmindedly.  Hilde raised her hand. 
"Do these poems have to rhyme?"
"That's a good question.  No, they can, but they don't have to."  Wufei jerked his head up.
"Why didn't you say so before, woman?"  He trashed his paper and started over.  Mrs. Vontreger walked over.  By the time she got there, his paper was half full.
"Are you brainstorming?"  He looked cross.
"No."
"Is that your poem?"
"Yes."
"Is it finished yet?"  He glowered.
"GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME BE, WOMAN!"
"Oh, dear..."  Mrs. Vontreger returned to her desk.  This class was turning out to be harder to deal with than she had expected.  She decided not to go near Quatre, Trowa, and Zechs.  She headed for Treize, who looked to be scribbling furiously, but backed hastily away when she caught sight of the... illustrations... all of which featured Wufei...
After what she had seen, Mrs. Vontreger elected to skip reviewing Dorothy's poem and just have them present before the class.  "Okay," she said cheerfully.  "Who would like to present first?"
Duo, Relena, and Quatre nearly fell off their chairs, crying, "Me!"  Mrs. Vontreger picked the one who looked to be the quietest of the three.
"Quatre, why don't you present?" she asked, ignoring Duo's grumblings and Relena's protests that SHE was the Queen of the World.  Quatre skipped to the front and cleared his throat.
"'Butterflies' is the name of my poem.

'Butterflies are pretty things,
With bright and iridescent wings.
They fly around to different flowers,
During sunny summer hours.'"

He beamed.  Everyone but Mrs. Vontreger was gagging.  One student actually ran from the room, green.  The teacher, on the other hand, applauded vigorously.
"Very nice, Quatre, dear!  How sweet!"  She paused and waited for him to sit down.  "Now, who wants to go next?"  Predictably, she had to choose between three students again:  Duo, Relena, and Trowa, raising his hand quietly in the corner.  She decided on the latter.
"Trowa, why don't you share next?" Mrs. Vontreger said.  Trowa rose with paper in hand and walked to the front of the room.
Then he stood there.
"Um," Mrs. Vontreger said, sensing that this shy student might need some promoting, "what's the name of your poem, Trowa?"
"'Silence,'" Trowa said.
Then he stood there some more.
Then he sat back down.
"Was that it?" Dorothy asked.
Trowa nodded.
"Trowa," Mrs. Vontreger said reprovingly, "next time write a.... LONGER poem."  She sighed and picked someone at random.  "Sally, why don't you go next?"  Sally stepped up.
"My poem is called, 'He Thinks I'm Weak.'

'He thinks I'm weak, and such a pain
And yet he still comes back again.
I think he bluffs, the sensitive fool.
I wonder who believes at school.
He really has a gentle side;
It shows when he--'"

"SHUT UP, WOMAN!" Wufei roared.  Sally sat down with a smile of pure triumph.  The teacher turned red.
"Chang Wufei, how dare you interrupt Sally's poem!  Sit down this instant!"  Wufei turned a purple that left Mrs. Vontreger's flushed face light years behind.
"WOMAN!  HAVE YOU NO DIGNITY!!!! HOW DARE YOU USE MY GIVEN NAME!!"
"SIT DOWN, WUFEI!"
"THAT WAS NOT A POEM, IT WAS A WOMAN'S MONSTROSITY!"  Duo looked at Heero.
"The Battle of the Giants."
"SIT DOWN OR YOU'LL BE SEEING THE PRINCIPAL, BOY!"
"SHUT UP, WOMAN!"  Fed up, Wufei yanked a katana out of hammer space.  Mrs. Vontreger blanched.
"Umm, I'll discuss it with you... later!  Relena, you may go!"
Wufei, still furious, ignored Duo's hand, which was poised for a high-five, and his bright, "You go, Wu-man!" and sat, seething.  He laid the katana across his desk and glowered.
Relena bounced and flounced her way to the front, giggling.  Mrs. Vontreger relaxed a bit.  THIS she could handle.
"Ahem," Relena said, smiling sweetly at Heero, who didn't react, "my poem is called, 'The Love of My Life.'"  Duo choked back laughter and Hilde elbowed Heero.

"'My boy is dark and very quiet.
I can't seduce him; when I try it,
He points a gun at me and threatens.
He doesn't speak in a complete sentence.
But still, he's smart and very fast,
And has a real nice-looking--'"

"Thank you, Miss Peacecraft," Mrs. Vontreger said hastily, feeling ill.  "You may sit down now."
Relena pouted.  "But I'm the Queen of the--"
"Um," Mrs. Vontreger said, cutting her off quickly.  "Why don't you present next, Treize?"  Treize skipped to the front, looking disturbingly Relena-like.
"Mine is called, 'My Darling Forever.'"  Wufei groaned.  Duo sniggered.

"'Wufei!  Wufei!  I'd love to stay
With you forever, if I may.
Your manly chest--'"

"Will you SHUT UP, weakling?!  I'm MARRIED!" Treize whimpered.  He looked at Mrs. Vontreger.
"I did pictures... can I--"
"No, no, no, that's all right," she said hurriedly.  ~Married?!~  "Heero, why don't you go next?"
Heero walked to the front and cleared his throat.  Relena sighed and swooned.  Trowa rolled his eyes.

"'Omae o korouso...'" Heero began.

BANG.
Then he sat down.  Mrs. Vontreger was looking slightly insane.  "Mr. Yuy, that was not a long enough poem.  And hardly an appropriate subject."
"It was beautiful in its simplicity," Heero said coolly, casually cleaning his gun.
Mrs. Vontreger decided to ignore the gun completely and let some other teacher deal with this psycho.  "Someone go," she muttered despairingly.  "SOMEBODY."
There was a mass scrambling for the front, but Noin stepped on Duo's head and beat them all.
"Um... mine is called, 'Zechs.'"  She said nothing.
"Noin, dear?"
"Well, that's as far as I got..."
"Right," Mrs. Vontreger said.  "Get to work with the rest of us next time.  Um, Wufei, might as well get yours over with."
"What's that supposed to mean, woman?" Wufei grumbled as he stomped to the front.

'Women are weak, and
I don't have time for that.
It's beneath my honor.
All women are disasters
Waiting to happen, and dishonor
To a man.'"

He would have said more, except that Hilde decked him right about then.
Mrs. Vontreger tried to get a grip on her fleeting sanity.  "Since you're up here already, why don't you go, Hilde dear?" she said as cheerfully as she could manage. Wufei jumped to his feet.
"How DARE you HIT me, WOMAN!"  He would have swung his katana, except that Sally and Treize jumped on him and began to snuggle his immobilized and outraged form.
"Mine doesn't really have a title.

'If I hear that name one more time,
I think I'll scream.
Shinigami this, Shinigami that!
The idiot doesn't know when to quit!
He--'"

"Okay, okay, I get the point already, Hildy!"  Duo hid under his desk to cover his ears.  Heero kicked him. 
Mrs. Vontreger, holding onto one last shred of her disintegrating sanity, said,  "Catherine, dear, why don't you go?"
Catherine smiled.  "Mine is called, 'The Knife.'

'The knife flies through the air,
Thudding home inches from--'"

"Wough..."  Mrs. Vontreger collapsed on her desk, ignoring Catherine's protests that she was a circus performer.  Duo seized the opportunity and jumped up.
"Mine is called, 'The God of Death,'" he said excitedly.

"'Shinigami, the God of Death,
Makes sure no one alive is left,
And with his giant killer scythe,
He marches in to take your life.
You cannot stop him, and you can't hide,
Although the thousands still have tried.
Let him say this, who lives to tell--
SHINIGAMI IS BACK FROM HELL!!'"

Hilde stood.
"You obviously did NOT get the point, Duo dear," she said sweetly.  Duo hid.
"Oh, come on, Hildy, I'd already written it," he said weakly from below the chair.
Zechs paced to the front of the room and looked at Mrs. Vontreger expectantly.  "Mine is called, 'My True Love.'"  Noin sighed, her eyes wobbling.

'My helmet, my helmet,'" Zechs began.

He didn't get any farther because Noin's dictionary flew through the air and knocked him out.
Mrs. Vontreger decided to take one more stab at it, pointedly ignoring Zechs on the floor.  "Miss Catalonia, would you care to present?"
Dorothy smiled.  "'Salacious Musings on Quatre,'" she started.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?!" Mrs. Vontreger screamed.  "CAN'T YOU EVEN ~PRETEND~ TO BE NORMAL!?!"
"HELL NO!" they chorused.  Mrs. Vontreger snapped.  She ran out the door, shrieking.  Duo jumped up on a desk.
"C'mon, she's gone!  Let's party!"  He flipped open his desk to display enough chocolate to feed an army.  Everyone, including Wufei and Heero, grinned uproariously.
"HELL YEAH!"

THE END