Claimers: I own them, all
of them.
Title: Kilkus own the song,
not me.
Comments: I have left the
descriptions of people very vague. You can make your own mind's up. I know
who they all look like, and if you wish to know, then mail me.
Kudos: To Wlfgrrl and her
delicious mails. She is my motivation behind exploring Jude a tad more.
Discords POV
LaOC XXIV - The Pattern Of Self
Design
'I like what you've done with your place, Mich.
The colours make it look... homey.'
I'm struggling to keep her off the subject
of what's wrong.
Ever since we got down to her pad I've been
talking about crap.
'Sit down, stop talking about weird stuff and
tell me what's going on with you.'
I take a seat next to her, and try and think
of something to say.
Something that isn't the truth.
'The challenge, I'm worried about it.'
'Why? You'll beat Jude, I know you will.'
I nod but keep my eyes fixed on my shoes.
'I'm going to get me a beer, and you
an orange juice.'
'Get me a beer too. Might take the edge off
this hangover.'
She looks at me for a second then nods her
head.
She gets up and goes into the kitchen,
leaving me in my own thoughts.
Life's weird.
Last week everything was going so well.
Then I heard one sentence and it all went downhill.
Is that how things are meant to go?
One sentence, that's all it took.
I'm not angry or needing to break things.
I'm sad, like, wanting to cry all the time.
I can't shake the sadness, I want to but everytime
I try it holds on tighter.
I think I know why.
It's because I am second best.
And that makes me feel bad.
'Here you go.'
A beer bottle waves in front of my face and
I take it.
It's cold, and I hold it to my head as I rest
my elbows on my knees.
I take a long swig of it and then sit back.
A set of fingers clicks in front of my
face, making me jump.
'Don't space out. What's up, you're making
me worry.'
'Sorry.'
What else can I say?
All I seem to be doing lately is apologising.
Sorry for getting in a fight with Jude.
Sorry for trashing reception.
Sorry for getting drunk.
Sorry for kissing you, Mich.
Sorry... I'm sorry for everything.
Because it's all my fault.
It is.
I feel Mich shift round so she's sitting side
on, looking at me.
I do the same, trying to smile and look
happy.
It doesn't work as I don't feel like smiling.
Her free hand moves to my mouth, pushing the
corners up into a smile.
As her fingers leave, my mouth drops back.
She scoots up closer and cups my cheek.
Again I try for a smile but it stops at my
mouth, doesn't reach any other part of my face.
'That's not a very good smile, is it?'
'Sor...'
Her fingers push on my lips, stopping the word.
'I've never heard you apologise so much, Dis.
It's freaking me out.'
I look down at the bottle on my lap.
I feel stupid not being able to keep everything
under wraps.
It's just... with Elle I finally found someone
I could be happy with.
Really happy.
She loved me for who I was, I didn't have to
pretend with her, not one bit.
Maybe that should be she seemed to
love me for who I was.
Maybe it all just seemed.
Seemed too good to be true.
Story of my life.
I put my bottle down on the floor as it's making
my hand cold.
Cold hands, warm... whatever.
'Unless you tell me what's going on I can't
help.'
She lifts my face up so we're looking at each
other.
Here it is again, the tears.
I grit my teeth and look up because I don't
want to start again.
I have to cuff my eyes as I feel the first
one on my face.
I'm sick of being second best.
I'm the one that people get with when they
can't have who they really want.
Michs' hand goes to stroke my face again, but
I push it away.
I move myself over to the far side of the sofa.
She's feeling sorry for me and I don't want
that.
I don't need that.
I wipe at my cheeks with my sleeve, as I feel
more tears.
I try to stop crying, but I can't.
I crumple, like a kid, and I can hear myself
crying.
I'm so pathetic.
Mich moves and puts her arms round me, pulling
me into her.
Makes it worse, as I fall apart that little
bit more.
After a few minutes, I manage to stop myself
but I let her hold me.
At least I have her.
We'll always be friends; she's someone I can
depend on.
She's like my rock.
I pull back from where my head was on her shoulder.
'I made your shirt wet.'
'It's ok. Not like you. You're not ok, are
you?'
I consider lying but it wouldn't be a very
good one.
I've been crying for the past few minutes so
it's not something I can hide anymore.
So I shake my head.
I'm not ok.
'Is it something to do with you and Elle?'
'Yeah.'
I don't trust my voice to say anything more.
Even that word came out all scratchy sounding.
'Dis, you have to speak to her. Whatever it
is ask her, talk to her.'
She pauses as she takes a deep breath.
I think I upset her too.
'She loves you, and you love her. Go and speak
to her.'
'I... I'm scared.'
I am.
I really, truly am.
'Why?'
'I'm scared that I'm right. I love her so much.
I've never felt like this about anyone before.'
She turns away from me, resting her elbows
on her legs, staring at her bottle.
She nods slowly as she wipes her eyes.
Is she crying?
'You ok, Mich?'
She sniffs and turns back to me, smiling a
little.
'Crying must be contagious. I'm fine. You need
to talk to her and sort all this out. She won't lie to you...'
She trails off again as she takes a deep
breath, then carries on.
'Don't let someone you love go, Dis, don't.
You'll spend the rest of your life regretting it.'
I pick her hand up and kiss her palm, resting
my cheek into it.
'You're my best friend, Mich.'
She goes to say something, but nods instead.
Then her face breaks, her shoulders slump
and she really starts crying.
She pulls her hand away and stands up.
Did I do that?
What did I do?
It was me crying and acting all weird, it upset
her.
I get up and put my arms round her from behind,
holding her tight.
I kiss her neck and she leans back into me.
There, see, I won't make you feel bad anymore.
'I didn't mean to make you cry, Mich.'
She hugs my arms, pulling them into her.
After a while I kiss her neck again and turn
her round.
'You're right, I'll talk to her. If you love
someone it's worth fighting for, right?'
She puts her hands in my hair, and rests her
head against mine.
'If they love you back it's always worth fighting
for.'
I nod and rub the back of her neck.
I know she likes that.
She used to tell me it was calming.
'You can never see what a catch you are, Dis,
that's your problem.'
A catch?
Me?
Yeah, right.
'Whatever.'
She kisses my eyebrows and my nose, then rests
her head back to where it was.
Her voice comes out so soft and quiet.
'You are.'
Her lips touch mine, and I smile underneath
them before they move off me.
'You're biased.'
She kisses me again, making me smile more.
She always makes me feel better.
At least it's her doing it, and not me.
This way I don't have to spaz out and try and
convince her I'm not making a pass at her.
Friend kisses, nice.
'I'm always biased where you're concerned.'
Another kiss, and I kiss her back a bit.
I like kissing her, it's not like we're in
love or anything.
'You trying to make me feel better with your
lips, Mich?'
She kisses me again, a bit longer this time.
Her hands move through my hair as her mouth
leaves mine.
'Is it working?'
I nod and smile.
She always knows what to do to take my mind
off the mad stuff.
'At least you're not all crazed, telling me
that you're not making a pass at me this time. I'm trying to make you feel
ok. That's all right, isn't it?'
Her hands cup my face, pulling me into her
lips again.
After a while she stops and plants soft kisses
on my jaw.
I know I have a stupid grin all over me.
'I'm sorry about before. I went a bit weird.
Didn't want you thinking I was getting fresh with you.'
She moves her lips to my neck, kissing
there.
'I know how you feel about me, Dis. It's ok.'
'You can't kiss me there, Mich. Makes me go...
you know what it does, you've had enough practice.'
That's my soft spot.
Turns me on when someone kisses my neck.
She doesn't stop.
She's bad sometimes.
Guess that's why I like her.
'Here? This your weak point?'
She kisses it some more, and my breath starts
getting all fast.
'You know it is.'
'Do I? You want me to stop?'
I think I should say yes, but my body's heating
up.
She's my friend so... it's ok, right?
'No.'
She doesn't stop, and my head kind of falls
back a bit.
She's trying to take my mind off stuff, but
I'm getting seriously turned on here.
And I feel bad, reacting to her like this.
But I don't stop her because... I don't know.
I need to take my mind off everything, and
this is working.
I still feel bad though.
'Mich, I'm kind of... I'm overheating here,
maybe... '
She moves her lips to mine and kisses me hard.
And me?
I kiss her back.
Her fingers move and caress my neck where her
lips were.
I pull back from her mouth because I'm thinking
bad thoughts here.
Like, me and Mich naked thoughts.
And that's wrong.
Soooo wrong!
'I'm... we should stop.'
She kisses me again, and I pull her body into
mine, hard.
I can feel her breasts against mine, and my
hands start to move under her top.
Her skin's on fire.
What the fuck am I doing?
I pull my hands away and move back off her.
Then I go and start apologising again.
'I'm sorry, shit... I didn't mean to...'
She takes a big deep breath and looks... I
don't know.
Shocked I think.
She grits her teeth, and taps her forehead
like she does when she's telling herself off.
Don't know why she's doing that.
I was the one with my hands up her top.
'Yeah. Let's get back to our beers, Dis.'
I need something to cool me off, and get her
mind off me being an idiot.
'You took my mind off stuff, there. You got
a real way with you, girl.'
I pick our beers up, and hand her a bottle.
She takes a big swig.
I bet I did freak her out with the hands thing.
'We were... the kissing was a comfort thing.
Don't worry about it, Dis.'
I smile at her 'cause she's right, and at least
she's not going to kick my ass out.
It was a comfort thing.
If I had feelings for her then it'd be different.
But I don't.
We're best friends.
I sit down and it hits me.
You know, how I'd feel if Elle did something
like that.
And then it doesn't seem like it was an ok
thing to do.
Me and Mich are just friends, and it meant
jack, but I'd still freak if Elle did it.
Can I mess things up any more?
I take a long swig of my beer.
At least it's making my hangover go away.
We're sitting in this really awkward silence.
It's making me uncomfortable, so I try and
fill it.
'You still dating Kreousa?'
I look over at her and she pulls a funny face.
'That's a 'no' then. I liked her,
why'd you split?'
'I... we were... she wasn't the right person
for me.'
'I kind of thought you two had split.
I saw her the other month and she looked like crap. I bet the other Amazons
have been giving you dirty looks because of it.'
Kreousa is their golden girl.
She used to be a Queen or something like that.
Even as Commander, I have to ask her
to get the Amazon legions to do stuff for me.
Lucky she's pretty or I'd get really fucked
off.
'So, who've you got your eye on now?'
'No one, there's... I don't... I'm not really
looking, you know.'
I bet she's not.
She's got less confidence than me where women
are concerned.
I start laughing a bit as I remember how we
got together.
'Why are you laughing? Tell me, it might cheer
me up.'
It's cheering me up.
I turn round to face her on the sofa, and she
does the same.
'I was thinking how shy you are around
girls, then I remembered how you asked me out on a date.'
She blushes as she shifts about, and starts
picking at the label on her bottle.
She's smiling though.
'Don't remind me. I stressed out about that
for weeks.'
I didn't even know she liked me, it was a bit
of a shock when she asked me, that's for sure.
I poke her shoulder, as I laugh harder.
'You kept stuttering and asking me stupid things
about the weather. Then you almost shouted it out. You had the whole canteens
attention, Mich. You made their day, you did.'
'I especially liked it when I got wolf
whistled for days after. That was great. The next day I was in a
meeting and I had this presentation to give... have I told you about this?'
I shake my head, so she keeps going.
'I'd been up all night finishing off my flip
chart stuff. Anyway, everyone's there, not Elle though or I would've died.
I turn the massive front page of the flip chart thing over. They're
all looking at me, and the whole room started sniggering. I turned round
and some fucker had drawn a big love heart with our names on it. Like, three
foot high, on the first page. I was standing there like an idiot, still pointing
to it, frozen. Angels are such kids sometimes.'
I bust up laughing, and I have to put my bottle
on the floor in case I spill any.
I can see her, embarrassed and red as anything,
pointing to it.
'You always make me laugh, Mich.'
'With me, not at me, I hope.'
I grab her top and pull her over to me, giving
her a big hug.
'You're crazy, Mich, but I love you for it.'
'Better than nothing, I guess.'
She swipes my hands off her and gets up.
'You want another beer? No wait, you better
not. I don't want to up the alcohol level in your system. I'll get you a coke.'
I watch her as she goes off into the kitchen.
Then she pokes her head round the door.
'You staying here tonight, or... just, if you
are I'll make us something to eat. Yes? No?'
It's taking my mind off of things, so I'm going
with a big fat yes.
'Yeah. I can grill you about your love life.'
She rolls her eyes, and disappears again.
That's one thing about me and Mich that I like.
The way she always gets me out of my moods.
Best friends. Wouldn't change it for
the world.