Claimers:
I own them. All of them.
Title & Lyrics: I think
I've used this title before, in SD??. I don't care. Veruca Salt
own the lines. The lyrics are from "Officially Dead". The title is from "I
Used To Know Her".
I know you can't let me go,
It's all in your head.
We're officially dead,
We don't have a heart.
Elle's POV
LaOC XLVI - I Used
To Know Her
'Dizzy?'
Her head lifts up slowly as she hears my voice.
Her eyes meet mine for a second then drop down
to the floor.
Then she stands, her body visibly tensing.
'No one would tell me if you were ok. I thought...
'
She struggles with her words, finally giving
up and crossing her arms instead.
The air hangs thick with tension and silence.
I don't really know what to say to her.
I won't lie and tell her that everything's
ok, because it's not.
But there's one thing I do want; an
explanation.
'What happened earlier? You were... I've never
seen you like that before.'
I rest my hands on the cold metal bars.
Once more she struggles to find the words to
tell me what she's thinking.
'I don't know. I couldn't... stop myself. It
was like... everything went misty and I couldn't see what was really happening.
I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I didn't.'
She sits down, her head in her hands.
Part of me wants to flash myself into her cell
and hold her.
Another part of me isn't sure if it wants to touch
her again.
'You couldn't stop yourself? Does this have
something to do with what you said to me about Lucy? I don't understand your
way of thinking about this. I've never given you any reason to be jealous.
I've always been faithful to you, unlike you have been to me.'
A pained expression comes over her face as
she shifts nervously.
'I... I didn't mean to do that stuff with Mich.
I still love you. We didn't... I... I don't know what I mean. I can't think
properly.'
'I trusted you. I gave my heart to you, and
you mistreated it. What you're telling me, your reasoning, it makes no sense.'
Nothing here makes any sense.
Her eyes dart around, avoiding mine.
'I know it makes no sense. It doesn't to
me either. Maybe... I can't explain it. I can't think. I'm trying, but...
everything's shifting around in my head.'
'I'm only asking you to be honest with me.
That's all.'
'I'm trying. I think about what I did
and it was like another person doing it. I'd never hurt you, Elle. I
know I did but... '
It's all I've ever wanted of my Angels; honesty.
I'm not going to read her thoughts.
I need her to tell me the truth.
Her hands go to her temples, rubbing them as
she thinks.
She's getting more and more agitated and I'm
beginning to wonder if she's going to go into a rage again.
I think I should leave her alone for a while.
Maybe she'll have some answers for me then.
But I'm divided because I also want to stay
as she's not behaving normally.
But she wouldn't, would she, not after
everything that's happened.
Go?
Stay?
I'm torn over what I should do.
Should it be like this?
I'm my own enemy and I'm having to fight myself.
Is it possible to win such a battle?
The way I'm feeling at present I'd say no.
'You hate me don't you, Elle.'
Not a question, but one I should comment on.
Her eyes squeeze shut as her hands rake through
her hair.
She stands slowly, careful to keep some distance
between us.
But she doesn't cry.
Not this time.
'Hate you? Honestly?'
'Yeah, honestly.'
Suddenly her eyes meet mine and I instinctively
reach into her prison.
She looks at my hand but doesn't take it,
simply looking at it as if it will hurt her.
And then I understand.
It's not her own safety she's concerned about.
It's mine.
How can you fully trust someone who can't
trust themselves?
I move my hand back to my side of the bars.
'No I don't hate you. I never could. Even
after what happened. But... '
Her eyes search mine, looking for an answer
to the question that hasn't even been asked.
There's always a but.
It's a word that undoes everything that
goes before it.
'But. I'm not sure I trust you anymore.'
That emotional punch does more damage than
all of the physical ones earlier.
She steps back from me, and I can see the
effort it's taking her not to cry.
Honesty is rarely fun.
Sometimes we have no choice; like now.
A lie multiplies and rampages like a forest
fire, consuming everything in its path.
But then the truth cuts like a knife.
What choice is there?
'Yeah... I understand. Thanks for coming
to see me. I appreciate it.'
With that she lies down on the bed in the
corner, and throws an arm over her eyes.
I stand for a minute trying to think of something
to say.
But what is there?
This isn't a situation I can make better
with a scattering of sentences.
It's going to take time.
A lot of time.
And a better explanation for her actions
than the one she gave.
I turn and make my way out of the cells.
A shout stops me instantly.
'Elle, wait! Please don't go. I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to do what I did, honest.'
Here's my decision.
I look back, at my beautiful Angel.
And I wonder where I went wrong.
Was it something I did, or maybe something
I failed to do?
Or perhaps she's not the person I think I
know so well.
Her voice cracks as her whisper carries through
the air.
'Please.'
My mind is full of questions, all answerless.
I have to think about all of this.
I need to try and sift through the things
in my head.
'I need some time to think, Dizzy. I'm
sorry.'
I close my eyes for a second, then continue
my journey out of the cells.
Each step jars through my entire body and
soul, as I leave.
Every fibre of me wants to go back to her,
to hold her and tell her that it's ok, that I won't leave her.
But that's not sense talking.
It's love.
And love's not what I should be thinking
with now.
I've been ruled by my heart for too long.
It's clouded my vision.
I need to try and decide what's best
for everyone involved.
I go back to my office, without incident.
Once inside I can't hold my tears back any
longer.
I lie down on my couch, curl up and cry.
I cry for having to leave her.
I cry for the path things have taken.
And then...
I simply cry.
Because I feel like my entire life
has ground to a halt.