Claimers: Mine. I own them. All of them.
Title: Dido owns the line from... not sure, number 12 on her cd.
Lyrics: Kylie owns the line. Not me. Watch the vid to try and see if she "falls" out of her outfit. Great entertainment for a Saturday night in, with friends and a few bottles of wine.
Sentences: Some of them are two a lines now. Oh! I fear I may write in a whole paragraph soon.
 
 
I just can't get you out of my head.
 
 
Lucy's POV
 
LaOC LII - I'll Always Be Alone
 
I lay her down on my bed, and cover her in a blanket.
Her eyes don't close as she stares at the ceiling.
I know I shouldn't be thinking it, but I can't help it.
Some part of me is jealous that Discord has inspired such amazing pain from her.
I'm nasty, I know.
I can't help it.
I'm the Devil!
 
I push that thought out of my mind.
Not conducive to aiding a heartbroken God.
 
'Ellie, you need to rest. Close your eyes and...'
 
'And what? Go to sleep, wake up and everything will be better? I don't want to sleep.'
 
She pulls the blanket around herself and curls up on her side.
I don't know what to do.
I know what I want to do, but how do you make everything better when you can't take the pain away?
I stand there, probably looking ridiculous.
 
Honesty time, I guess.
 
'I want to help you, but I don't know what to do. I never have to be nice. I'm not used to it. I do want to be, though. For you, I want to be nice and help.'
 
With my last word she begins to cry again.
I close my eyes because me crying isn't going to help.
 
So I lay down next to her and put my arm round her.
She turns round and rests her head against mine, her fingers on my face, moving softly.
Being a cretin, I kiss her.
For her it's a comfort kiss.
And if I pretend, then it is for me as well.
 
Is this wrong?
Yes.
Am I stopping?
No.
Should I stop?
Of course.
 
But then I do pull back because even I'm not that callous.
To be trying to take this from her when she's in no condition to stop me?
I sicken myself sometimes.
 
'Ellie. I'm sorry for what happened. I hate seeing you like this. Look, on the verge of real tears just for you and Discord.'
 
At the sound of her name her eyes close and another sob wracks her body.
Clever Luce. Really, really smooth.
 
'We argued. Before it happened... we... I was horrible to her. It's all my fault, Lucy.'
 
I pull her into me, and kiss her hair, stroke her back and let her cry.
 
'It's not your fault. It's not. It was her decision to do what she did. Bizarre decision, have to admit. But at the end of it you can't live in a pool of guilt. It'll kill you.'
 
The closeness of her body and warm breath on my neck begin to make me think of other things.
I can't help being in love with her.
As much as it pains me to be.
This reminds me of when she was in my bed, with me and me alone.
Except... she wasn't.
Not with me, that is.
She was with me, but not with me.
I'm turning into Bee in my own head!
 
She was in my bed in body, but never in spirit.
And the place that her spirit was in has now left.
She's adrift.
 
'I can't stop seeing her... the way... it's burnt into my mind and I can't stop seeing her hanging from the bars.'
 
She tears my heart with her words.
Rips a little piece away that she gets to keep forever.
 
She looks into my eyes, but not really.
She's not one hundred percent there.
Looking, but not seeing, only remembering.
 
A hand cups my face, a thumb moving over my brow.
And I close my eyes.
My own hands continue rubbing her back, gentler this time.
 
I can't help it if my body is responding.
I'd love to, but I can't.
Simple semantics.
I touch you here and I feel this here.
But I should at least try to calm myself down.
For her sake not for mine.
A horny Devil isn't what she needs right now because...
 
'I want to sleep with you, Lucy. Please?'
 
Or maybe I should tell my mind to shut up as it obviously has no idea what it is talking about.
Or did I say her words in my head?
Maybe I didn't hear them.
I look into her eyes.
They're full of tears, and I know that she did say it out loud.
But for her this is a way of forgetting about Discord for an hour or so.
Blocking it out and trying to substitute another feeling.
Being consumed by a feeling other than grief.
For me? Oh, complete love.
But like I said, what can I do about it?
Nothing.
 
I want things clarified out loud.
For her, not me.
I want her to know why she's doing this.
I already understand.
She needs to say it aloud.
 
'Elle. It pains me to say this. It won't take your hurting away. It may dull it for a little while, but... it'll still be there when we stop. And. It's not me you want to be touching. It's not me you want to be touching you. I know when you close your eyes you'll see her. And that makes it a bad idea.'
 
'I can't... I need a minute, a second, some amount of  time when I don't feel like I am being torn apart. I shouldn't have asked you. I... I wanted something else in my head. I want something to take away her picture in my mind. She's dead and I feel like I killed her.'
 
She pushes me away and sits up, hugging her knees tightly.
I lay a hand on her back, but she shrugs me off, getting up and pacing.
 
'Elle. You didn't do it. You can't think like that.'
 
She stops and her head falls as she reaches to the wall to steady herself.
With a small stumble she's leaning against it, crying again.
 
I get up and bring her back down to the bed, laying her down, curling up against her back.
Her hands pull my arm round her tightly, as if to keep her safe.
I place a little kiss on her neck, and she grips my arm tighter.
 
She turns in my embrace, and kisses my lips.
And here's my decision.
 
Be with her, when it's not me she'll be seeing, but it will make her feel better (but me worse).
Or, try and keep things at a distance.
 
So, I choose.
 
I open my eyes, looking at her for a second...
 
 
...and then I kiss her.
 
Why? Because... I was going to say for me, because I'm being selfish.
But it's not.
 
This is one thing I can give to her.
Peace.
If only for a second, if only for a minute, I can take this pain away from her.
 
So I do.
 
I kiss her gently, and move her onto her back.
I stroke her arm, then over her hips, then her thigh.
I unbutton her top, and kiss the skin exposed.
 
I look at her face and her tears have stopped. For now.
 
I unwrap her like the gift she always was to me.
Carefully and reverently.
Savouring her, because I know this won't be repeated.
It's comfort to her.
And it's total adoration and love for me.
 
I slip her clothes off, making sure I'm gentle.
I kiss her arms, her shoulders, her neck, everything that I can.
And for a second I know she's forgotten.
A millisecond of release and I gave that to her.
I gave it to her because I love her, because I'm in love with her.
 
I kiss her lips again, and once more I feel for the tiniest amount of time that I did it again.
She was free of that crushing pain, and it was me who gave that to her.
Me? I feel like the pain slid over to me.
Why? Because this doesn't mean to her what it does to me.
And it never will.
 
But I know this.
I'm not stupid.
It never meant to her what it did to me.
She never lied to me when we were together.
I was a stop gap, a distraction, like I am to her now.
 
I kiss her thighs, then higher and higher until she gasps.
And I know that if I keep it intense enough, that from now on until I give her release, she won't be remembering.
So, I prolong it.
She sighs as my tongue licks her, and she arches when my fingers enter her.
 
And I'm as gentle as I could ever be.
Because? This is the real me.
Now, here, with her.
I'm not the Devil, or Satan, or the bad thing that people curse and hate.
I'm simply me. Lucy.
 
And if God is letting me touch her like this then I can't be bad all the way through.
 
Her hands move in my hair as I keep a slow rhythm up on her.
She holds me where she needs me to be.
And with an arch of her back, she comes.
And it's beautiful.
See, the real Lucy thinks it's beautiful.
Not a single pathetic innuendo floats into my head.
Because with her I don't need them.
 
Her hands stop me and I kiss my way up her body and her lips are on mine.
She pauses for a moment, and then kisses me properly.
But she's doing this because she feels I need payment.
So I shake my head and pull her into a hug.
 
'No. My gift to you.'
 
It's all I have to say.
It's all I can say, because my voice is tight in my throat.
 
 
Her eyes close and she curls into me.
Her breathing steadies and within minutes I know exhaustion has overcome her.
 
Peace.
My gift.
 
 
 
Because it really is all I'm allowed to give her.