Claimers: Me, I am lucky enough to own the Devil and God. Ok, maybe not. But I do own my representations of them. And for that, I am... amazed.
Title & Lyrics: Kylie Wylie owns the lines, not me.
Notes: I'm very tired. I'm sure there are loads of errors in this. But I wanted to give you one part this weekend. Forgive me?
 
 
What on Earth am I meant to do?
In this crowded place there is only you.
 
I can tell what you're thinking,
 
My heart is sinking too.
 
 
 
Elle's POV
 
LaOC LVIII - I Can Tell What You're Thinking
 
'Will Faith be alright? Maybe we should help?'
 
'I never thought I'd hear those words from your lips, Lucy. I'll keep my mind with Buffy. It's not us Faith needs now. She has the only person who she trusts.'
 
There's nothing I can do to help Faith.
Buffy's the only one who can reach her sorrow.
I'll go down and check on them later to make sure they are both alright.
 
I sit back down and kick my shoes off.
I think I'm in shock.
I don't feel--anything. Yet.
 
My sadness.
My loneliness.
All of it. Gone. Left me.
I feel... empty.
 
Empty of emotions.
Empty of love.
Empty of that ache that has consumed me. For now.
 
But I know it will come again.
In waves.
It always comes in waves.
 
This would be one of the stages of grief, I suppose.
 
'Elle. Do you need me to get you anything? A drink? Something... um, to eat?'
 
She kneels down in front of me, taking my hands.
Who'd have thought that the Devil would be comforting God.
Not me.
 
I stroke her cheek and begin to cry again.
And I don't even know why.
Is it for Dizzy or for me?
 
Everything that was so secure for me, seems to be ebbing away.
I don't know how to stop it.
 
'Why did you bring me back? You should have let me die.'
 
I don't know where those words came from.
But. I mean them.
Why did she?
What was the point?
 
'Don't think like that, Ellie.'
 
She pulls me into an embrace and I lose myself in it.
The warmth.
The feeling of someone touching me.
Even if it's not the person I need doing it.
The person I want, more than anything, won't ever hold me again
 
Her arms tighten round me and I remember what has happened between us.
I rest my head on her shoulder and think of how to say what needs to be said.
 
'Lucy. I'm sorry for asking you to... you know. Earlier. It was unfair of me. I was being selfish.'
 
I inhale the smell of her shampoo and it feels... safe, familiar.
 
She lets me go, and looks at me for a second.
Then kisses my nose.
 
'Elle. Did you feel better after we slept together?'
 
I nod, because I did.
Sex is such a difficult thing.
It can be an escape for some.
And it can be a sentence for others.
Holding them emotionally to another person.
Almost linking them.
 
'Then there's nothing for you to be apologising for. You needed a distraction and I gave it to you. You should be thanking me really.'
 
She wiggles her eyebrows, but her eyes still hold such sadness.
And I know why.
Because she loves me.
She loved me before, and she loves me now.
 
And I knew this but I still asked her to sleep with me.
Selfish. That's what I am.
 
God?
Perfect being?
Far from it.
 
I still have to struggle with emotions.
I must still try and make the best decisions.
Only my decisions hold far more weight than those of a normal person.
Because I have the whole world in my hands.
 
'But it wasn't a distraction for you, was it? It was something more.'
 
She rolls her eyes, trying to make light of my question, but they fill up with tears.
 
'Don't be silly, Elle. You know me, ready for sexual activity at any time.'
 
Her smile sits transparently on her lips and she coughs to cover her voice breaking.
 
I forget that she has feelings sometimes.
I know.
What a terrible thing to think.
But she always hides them so well.
 
Perhaps I should be playing along with her?
Then... what if she goes too?
What if she leaves me and I never get to say what I need to.
 
'I do love you, Lucy.'
 
I do.
Maybe not the way she needs, or wants, but I do.
I wouldn't put up with her behaviour if I didn't.
 
'You know, I think we should stop talking about this.'
 
Perhaps we should.
But again, what if she goes and things are unresolved.
 
I try to lighten the mood, because she looks on the verge of all out tears.
 
I take her face in my hands, and pull it close to me.
 
'You're my favourite little Devil. You are. And I do love you.'
 
She smiles at me, and the spell of seriousness is broken.
 
'You're ok, I guess. For God, I mean. Bit of a goody-goody, but that's to be expected.'
 
We look at each other in silence.
Her on her knees before me, and me just sitting.
And then she kisses me.
A soft kiss.
A gentle kiss.
 
And this could be my next distraction.
To lose myself in her touch again.
To try and forget what has happened.
But I can't do that to her.
I wont use her again.
It would hurt her too much.
 
A rejection now would be less heartbreaking for her.
 
And yet, I don't pull away.
It seems my body is working to its own agenda as it pulls her closer.
My mind is disgusted, but my body doesn't stop.
It brings her nearer, my legs opening so our bodies touch.
Our kiss deepens and my hands run through her hair.
 
Finally my mind catches up as it tries to link the feeling under my fingers.
And the person who it's trying to associate it with is gone. Forever.
Dizzy.
A sob racks through me and I break our kiss.
 
She holds me, stroking my back, whispering to me that it will pass.
Telling me to cry, that she's not going anywhere.
That she'll help me, that she'll always help me.
 
But I still cry.
And I can't stop.
 
Arms hold me, but they don't help.
Nothing does.
 
Because something else has taken hold of me now.
 
Grief suffocates me once again.
Covering me, drowning me, stopping me from breathing.
 
And once more...
 
 
 
...I wish I had died.