TITLE: Let Me
SERIES: Freudian Saga - Part 4
AUTHOR: Angelina
EMAIL: Angelina
FEEDBACK: Most appreciated.
PERSONAL SITE: http://members.aol.com/bufpop/default.htm
ARCHIVE: http://www3.mb.sympatico.ca/~shadow27/angelina.htm
DISTRIBUTION: Take it, just drop me a line.
SUMMARY: Cordy continues to think about her relationship with Faith
RATING: R
DISCLAIMER: They don't belong to me, they're the property of Joss &
Mutant Enemy.
NOTES: This takes place during the evening following 'Believe me
baby, I lied'

*****

This is new for me. This feeling of contentment. I may project this
image of having the perfect life and everything, but I don't really.
Never have. I mean, I have everything a girl could possibly want.
Great house, killer car, fabulous clothes, oodles of money…but I've
never been all that happy. In fact, probably the happiest I've been
in my life has been these past couple of years. I would never, ever,
admit this out loud…but hanging out with Buffy and the rest of them…
it's been…I wanna say fun but that's not quite right. But for the
first time I felt like I had actual friends. And I'm not deluded, I
know I'm not in the `inner circle'…but still, they're better friends
than that vacuous bunch of tramps who used to follow me around and
worship me ever were. Although, that was kinda nice, in its own
way. But even being friends, of sorts, with those guys didn't give
me the kind of happy I'm having right now.

Right now I'm lying on Faith's bed. Not in it, just on top of the
covers. The TV is on and the lights are off. There's some sappy old
movie playing, the black and white pictures are casting a nice light
over the room. It's warm. And it's safe. That's not a word that
most people would apply to a seedy motel in this particular area of
town. But to me it's the safest place I've been in a while. Faith's
head is resting on my stomach. Her hair is splayed out across my
chest and I'm amazed at how long I've kept myself entertained just by
running my fingers through it. I'm not certain but I think she's
fallen asleep. She hasn't moved in a really long time and her
breathing is really deep so I'm pretty sure she's sleeping. So, to
recap, I'm lying on Faith's bed, Faith is asleep on my stomach, and
I'm happy.

How weird is that? Who'd have thought that I, Cordelia Chase, could
find happiness in this place? Or in the arms of another girl for
that matter? Ok, if I'm honest I suppose I'd maybe have guessed the
last part. It's not something that I'd considered until relatively
recently. Yeah, I'd thought about it, who hasn't? But I hadn't
actually ever wanted to do anything about it. Until round about the
time that a certain new slayer turned up. Strange that, isn't it?
In the past, when I've been attracted to people, it's usually been
based on a combination of looks, power, money and connections. And
of those four things, Faith only scores on one. OK, so she has looks
in spades. But that's not why I'm attracted to her.

Wow, it's actually quite a relief to be able to think in those
terms. I'm attracted to Faith…there, I thought it, and I wasn't
struck down by a thunderbolt. No, that'll be saved for when I tell
my parents. I can just picture my mother's face. She has this
expression that can make me feel about one and a half inches tall.
Her lip curls up and her eyes close briefly. It's not a look of
disappointment. It's more like, I don't know, revulsion. Yeah, like
she's revolted by whatever she's just heard. She looked at me like
that when I told her about Xander. Like I was a shameless hussy for
lowering my standards so far as to date a Harris. No conversation
ensued. She just looked at me and then went to get a drink. It
didn't matter to her that Xander was a decent, kind-hearted guy who
genuinely liked me for me and not for the me that everyone thinks I
should be. No, it only mattered that his father was unemployed and
that his shirts weren't Armani.

Xander. I feel sick just thinking about him. Not that he makes me
want to throw up…but I feel so guilty. He really is a nice guy and I
did think, for a while that, maybe, possibly…that I loved him. God I
even told Buffy! And he was so sweet during the Homecoming thing,
choosing me over Buffy…for once. And then with the whole limo
thing. And here I am cheating on him, and feeling happy about it.
Which is wrong and bad. I will tell him. He doesn't deserve this.
No-one does. If I ever found out that I was being cheated on…well
let's just say it wouldn't be pretty.

So, telling Xander is a must. Soon. But telling the parents can
wait. At least until I've left school and can move out. Or maybe
forever. Why would they ever need to know? I could just say that
Faith was, like, my best friend or something and that we were just
being roomies and… Listen to me. I kissed her for the first time not
twenty-four hours ago and here I am planning where we'll live
together when school is over. Which is strange because that's not
something I've ever considered in the past. I never had mushy `When
we get married and have kids' fantasies about Xander. Then again,
Xander's kisses never made me feel the way Faith's do. My insides
don't do weird fluttery stuff when Xander looks at me. I don't spend
every waking moment, and a high proportion of sleeping moments, with
Xander on my mind.

Which kinda leads me back to what it is about Faith that caused this
meltdown of the sensible part of my brain. I don't have a clue. I
remember the first time I saw her, dancing with that vampire in the
Bronze. I was completely captivated by her. She exuded this, this
essence. She stood out a mile in that place and I just couldn't stop
watching her. But of course, me being me, I had to offer a catty
comment about her to the rest of the group in case anyone noticed me
noticing her. `Slut-o-rama'? Oh please, like there weren't at least
50 girls in the Bronze that night who were far more qualified for
that title than Faith. But none of them caught my eye the way she
did. And then, by the time Buffy had dragged herself out of `Self-
obsession Land' and realised that her dance partner was in fact, of
the undead variety, she had gone. Normally I'd have let Buffy go
after them alone. I mean, one teeny little vamp? She's the God-damn
slayer. So why we all rushed out to accompany her on that particular
staking I'll never know. Well, I know why I went. I wanted to make
sure that the girl who had so intrigued me was alright. Maybe the
rest of them had also noticed something about her. Maybe they're all
secretly lusting after her. Maybe…what difference does it make if
they are? I'm the one lying on her bed, caressing her cheek. And I
don't seriously think that everyone is in love with Faith. Just the
thought of little repressed Willow and another girl makes me wanna
laugh. I know Xander has lustful thoughts about her. But then, he
has lustful thoughts about anything with breasts. Add to that the
fact that she's a slayer and it's a wonder he can be around her
without drooling on her shoes. He has a thing for slayers. Hmmm,
maybe he and I have more in common than I thought.

Oh, Faith just made a noise. I'm not sure if it was a snore or a
word. But whatever it was I think she's waking up. She's
stretching. And it's a beautiful thing to watch. The fluid
movements of limbs, the slight twitching of muscles under skin, the
accompanying moan…all make me ever so slightly aroused. Then she
flips herself over so that her head is still on my abdomen, but now
she's looking at me. More specifically she's smiling at me.

"Hey."

She has this strange ability to make just about any word in the
English language sound like a proposition. The low timbre of her
voice just screams `make love to me'. Actually, that's possibly just
my own slightly skewed interpretation.

"Hey."

My own voice sounds so high and hollow in comparison. Maybe I should
start smoking or something, to give it a sexier edge. Nah, smoking
gives you wrinkles. Couldn't deal with that. She reaches out and
takes my hand into hers. I lace my fingers through hers and she rubs
the back of my hand with her thumb.

"You cool with this?"

She's talking about more than the hand-holding. She's referring to
the whole situation. Am I cool with it? Actually I'm not sure.
It's a huge thing. A big change. It's not what people expect from
me. People expect me to marry some rich trust funded guy. It's not
a pre-requisite that I love him, or even like him. I'm expected to
be the same kind of person as my mother and her friends. Married to
a boring stiff, drinking myself into oblivion, getting vicarious
sexual thrills with the pool-boy. Or, in my case, the maid. I don't
want to end up like that. But I'm not sure I can deal with the
social ostracism that this relationship is gonna cause. I've been
labelling people for as long as I can remember, but I'm terrified of
being labelled as a…lesbian. I don't like that word. Gay sounds so
much nicer, happy connotations and everything. Which is appropriate,
cause, like I was saying, I feel happy. I wonder if I should voice
these fears…

"I uh, I don't know."

She's still holding my hand but she's no longer smiling. It's like a
light switched off somewhere inside her head because her eyes kind of
dulled down as I said that last sentence. It physically hurts to
think that I made that happen. I reach down and cup her cheek,
suddenly I need to kiss her, more than anything. I urge her up the
bed so that we're lying side by side, facing each other. I reach out
and run the tip of my finger over her lips before placing my own over
them. She's holding back, I can feel it, but I can't stop and I just
keep on kissing her for all I'm worth. Slowly I feel her ease into
the embrace. Her arms encircle me and my hearts starts beating
again. I can feel moisture on my face and I'm shocked that she's
crying. Then I realise that it's not her, it's me. She pulls back
slightly and looks at me with concern. She reaches up and wipes away
my tears. I marvel at her touch, so gentle. How can she keep all
that strength under control?

"What's up?"

Where do I start? `I really like you but I'm such a snob that I'm
afraid of what people will say if they find out about us'?

"I…I really like you Faith."

Her lips turn upwards in a smile and a suggestion of that impossibly
cute dimple appears in her cheek. Her eyes warm considerably and she
pulls me into a loose embrace, running her hand up and down my side.
Even that small contact makes my breathing increase and causes very
lewd thoughts to invade my mind.

"So, you really like me, and I really like you. So how `bout you
tell me what's botherin' you?"

Hmm, that tiny bit of fluff on her shoulder is suddenly very
interesting to me. I don't get to play with it for long before she's
cupping my chin and making me look at her. She's wearing a strange
expression. Somewhere between annoyed and understanding, if that's
even possible. But with that face, I'd say anything's possible. I
can't think of a single word to say to her. Well, I can think of
plenty but none of them seem to be making their way to my mouth,
which is slightly disturbing. She's sighing, that's not a good sign.

"Look C, if you're havin' second thoughts about this then just say
so, it's no biggie. We can call it quits right now and forget it
ever happened. I won't say nothin' that'll ruin your rep."

"No!"

Well, at least my mouth seems to be working again. If it was
connected to my brain in anyway I'd maybe have been able to stop that
word from sounding as desperate and needy as it did. But the thought
of finishing it here, of not giving it a chance, kind of panicked me
a bit. I think Faith's relieved that I haven't lost the power of
speech altogether. Either that or she's pleased that I don't want to
end it now. It's hard to tell with someone who puts up such an
effective front all the time. I bet none of the others would believe
how she's acting now. She makes such a show of being a hard-ass and
all about sex. And here she is tracing my jaw with her thumb, and
she hasn't even tried to jump my bones yet. Well, not seriously
anyway. Some of our kisses can get pretty steamy though. I'm not
sure how long I'll be able to hang onto my virtue. Not that I'm
completely virtuous of course, I've done stuff. But it never seemed,
well, right. And if Faith's kisses are any indication then I think
that may be about to change. Anyway, I should probably elaborate on
my previous unexpected exclamation.

"Uh, what I meant to say was…uh, no."

"Yeah, I think we covered that."

"Right, we covered `No'. Ummm…"

This is not me. I've been kidnapped by aliens and they've replaced
me with some moronic pod person. I am Cordelia, Queen of the witty
put-down. Rather good with words in my own way. And now the only
word I can think of is `no'. Please God, put some more words into my
poor brain. Maybe if I sit up I'll be able to think better. Yeah,
that's a plan. So I'm sitting up, pulling Faith with me. She's
looking increasingly confused and I can't say I blame her. I must be
giving the impression of being in serious need of medication about
now.

"Look Faith, I had a pretty bad time of things last year when I
started dating Xander. People weren't exactly kind to me. So it's a
pretty big step for me to be deciding to get involved in another
relationship that's gonna cause me even more hassle. Yes, I want to
be with you, but for now I'd kinda prefer not to be the poster child
for `Lesbians R Us' at school. I mean, not that I think there's
anything wrong wi…"

She's getting off the bed. Now she's standing looking at me, with
her hands raised like she thinks I'm going to shoot her or
something. I'm not the only one in need of hard drugs it seems.

"Woah CC, slow it down babe. I wasn't askin' you to declare your
unendin' love for me over the PA system. All this `relationship'
shit is new to me OK? So how about we just have some fun and see
what happens?"

Fabulous, a commitment phobic. And I thought that was a male trait.
But she's making sense. What's the use of committing social suicide
right now? I can have her all to myself for a while and see if I can
put up with her on a private level before going public. She's coming
back over to the bed. She's walking funny, like she's approaching a
wild animal who might pounce at any second.

"C? Is that…I mean, you cool with that? It's just that I've never
really been good in a long-term way ya know? I always seem to fuck
things up somehow so I wouldn't wanna…not that I'm plannin' on
fucking you over or anything, but it happens. So…is that OK? Cuz I
meant what I said, we can stop now if that's what you want."

That is so far from what I want I can't even imagine ever wanting
it. I need to let her know that. But given my pitiful verbal
efforts of a few minutes ago I don't think words are gonna cut it
right now. But there are other ways to use your mouth, so I think
I'll do that. I grab her shirt and drag her down so that she falls
on top of me. Her lips crash against mine and for a few moments I
lose myself in the comfort of her kiss. She pulls away far too soon
and looks down at me questioningly. I guess words aren't completely
avoidable.

"I don't want to stop. I want you, Faith. So why don't we have some
of that fun you were talking about?"

There, a whole sentence. Three even. That's better. She's shaking
her head and smiling. I guess she's as surprised by me sometimes as
I am by her. Maybe we both bring out things in the other that other
people don't get to see. It's nice to have someone to be different
with. And it's even better having someone who kisses like Faith
does.

She settles her body into mine carefully, testing to see if she's too
heavy for me. It's these little things that make me like her even
more. She strokes my hair away from my face and looks into my eyes.
The silence stretches comfortably between us as we continue to regard
each other, the only noise being the TV in the background. Her eyes
leave mine and flicker to my lips. Immediately I feel my body
react. My breath starts coming quicker and my hips start pressing up
into her, all by themselves…I didn't tell them to do that. She takes
her index finger and runs it along my eyebrow, down my cheek, finally
resting it on my bottom lip. I have no choice, my lips part and her
finger slips in. My lips close around the slender digit and I suck
gently. She smiles and draws her hand back slowly, her moistened
finger gliding over my tongue easily. She leans down and replaces
her finger with her lips, this time it's her tongue in my mouth,
lazily playing with my own in a game neither of us wants to win.
Then I feel her hand on my breast. Instantly my nipples harden at
her touch. I gasp into her mouth as she squeezes the newly
sensitised area. I have to get in on this act before I lose all my
faculties. My arms are currently busy being wrapped around her
torso, holding her as close as humanly possible. So I do the only
thing available to me. I bring my thigh up between her leather clad
ones and shudder as she moans into my cheek. I can feel her pressing
down onto my leg, rocking herself against the very willing surface.
I try to focus on her face but she's too close to see anything. I
think her eyes are closed though. My own eyelids drift shut as her
ministrations increase. I can feel the arousal building in me. The
intensity of it is frightening. I am a slave to Faith's hands. And
her lips, can't forget her lips.

Just as I'm about to give myself over completely to the feeling, her
hands leave my body. Then my leg is pushed away from its position
between her thighs. I don't get it. Did I do something wrong? Was
I not good? Then I feel her arms envelope me and pull me into a
tight embrace, rocking me. She's whispering in my ear.

"Not yet. Not yet. Soon, but not yet. Let me do this. Let me show
myself that I can do this. I'm sorry I got you all worked up. But
not yet."

I bury my face in her shoulder and sigh in relief. I actually feel
like I'm going to cry. Whether it's because I'm happy that she's
treating this differently from her usual…dalliances, or whether it's
from sheer frustration I can't be sure. I know one thing though. I
don't want to go home tonight. I want to stay here in her arms, like
I am just now. Who knew I was such a snuggly person? Not me that's
for sure. But there's something about the way she holds me that I
can't get enough of.

"Can I stay here tonight? I promise I won't try and have sex with
you."

Her laugh is right beside my ear and vibrates through us both.

"Normally that promise'd be a one way ticket out the door with my
boot up you ass. But you, Queen C, are invited to stay here whenever
you like. With or without sexual favours."

"Uh…we are going to get round to the sexual favours bit at some point
though right?"

Shit, now I'm sounding like some sex starved teenage boy. I sound
like Xander!

"C, it's a miracle we haven't `got round' to them already. I don't
think it'll be long before it happens. I know I'm wicked sexy, I get
why you're havin' a hard time. Just…just let me…"

I silence her with a kiss. A relatively chaste kiss. I don't want
to aggravate my already raging hormones any more than necessary.
Then I snuggle into her and lay my head on her chest. She runs her
fingers through my hair. And once again, I'm happy.