Disclaimers: Joss owns them, not me.
Spoilers: If the words rooftop and knife mean nothing to you then
do not read on.
Title: The title is a Nina Gordon song, she really is a Goddess
of rock and she writes the best songs. Check her out if you get the chance.
I don't own it. 'Little Miss Bits' does.
Authors Comments: I know! Another songfic, I'm
spoiling you. Nina is one of my favourite singers and her lyrics are always
so wonderful I just HAD to do this.
Too Slow to Ride
I listen to the noises all around me.
The banging of cell doors.
The screaming of voices.
It goes on day and night.
Most of the time I can block it out.
Most of the time.
Tonight isn't one of those times though.
I inhale a deep breath to try and calm myself.
The smell of disinfectant makes me want to sneeze.
My cellmate decided to slit her wrists in the shower room
this morning so I have this whole place to myself
for a few days.
Lucky me.
I spark a cig up.
The flame makes my eyes hurt a little.
I shut them tight and block the light out.
That's me, always happier in the dark, right?
What a joke.
I always start thinking too much.
Too fuckin' much.
About everything, and it always comes back to one thing, Buffy Summers.
//from the moment I arrived
//until the day that I died
//I was selfish and slow
How did I fuck everything up so much?
I should have just left SunnyHell the moment I knew I was falling for her.
No-one would've missed me.
But I couldn't.
It was like a constant fuckin' challenge.
A challenge I could never win.
To be as good as her.
To be better than her.
To be WITH her.
//to slow to ride by your side
//I was so afraid, that I began to fade
As soon as I started playing that game it was all over for me.
All over.
I wipe a tear away from my face.
I don't care so much about crying now.
I do it too much to stress myself out about it.
Every night I sit and think about the way things went.
Every night I beat myself up about the way I screwed it all up.
I was never good enough.
The thought pushes into my head again.
Some slutty piece of trash who just happened to be a slayer.
Everything I did turned out wrong.
The mayor, Angel, B stabbing me.
I reach down to feel the scar on my stomach.
Another reminder of her.
Like she's not with me enough.
//and now another bright has turned to grey
//someone elses light will take my place
I wonder what she's doing.
Probably out with the Scoobies at the Bronze, living it up.
Doubt they miss my Slaying abilities.
A laugh slips out of my throat at that thought.
//and though I'm getting used to the after taste
I close my eyes and drag on my cig.
You'd think being in here for two years would've reformed me.
Well maybe a little, I'm not the same psycho I used to be.
But I haven't changed.
Not really.
I can't change everything that I was built around.
I can't change how I grew up or what happened to me.
I can't change trying to hurt the only person who ever wanted to be my friend.
I want to.
But I can't.
I can't change any of it.
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time.
I'd do everything so differently.
Every single thing.
That thought haunts my dreams.
And in the same ones I'm with B.
Just me and her.
Sometimes we're laughing and joking.
Sometimes I'm just holding her.
And it feels so real.
Then I wake up.
And it's all gone.
She's gone.
It hurts.
It hurts so much.
She was everything to me.
It may sound like total crap, but you only hurt the ones you love.
I never understood that saying.
Not 'til I met her.
Now I get it.
Bit late though.
Hey, better late than never.
I must be losing it if I'm thinking in crappy sayings.
//you know I miss your eyes
//I miss your face
Her face drifts into my mind.
I smile as I close my eyes again.
Then my it drops away as I realise what I'm doing.
//and the moon was up ahead
She won't ever forgive me.
Not that I have any intention of going back to see her.
I'm not in control of myself when I'm round her.
She makes me do crazy shit.
I replay that night on the rooftop so many times in my head.
Over and over.
Again and again.
The look on her face as she pushed the knife in.
That was when it all ended for me.
That was when I lost all hope.
Everything just fell away.
I knew she was gonna kill me.
I could see it in her eyes.
Hatred, pure and simple.
And you know what I did when I figured out what she was gonna do?
I let her.
//I finally figured out
//what I should have said to you then
I could have said so much.
I could have tried to make things better.
That was my last chance to make good.
But I couldn't.
I still couldn't.
It all seems so easy to look back and see what I should have done.
Seems easy now.
I was running on empty that night though.
When I saw that look in her eye I knew I had nothing left.
//and no one is to blame
//but we'll never be the same
She had no choice though.
I deserved what I got.
Took me a long time to realise it.
But I have a lot of time to think in here.
It's all I have to do really.
Think.
Like a shitty record you hate on loop.
You want to switch it off but you can't find out how.
So it plays over and over.
Repeating itself, until you can't stand it anymore.
Until it finally begins to drive you over the edge.
//there's no use in trying
I missed out on the best thing that could've ever happened in my shitty little life.
The best thing.
Fate I guess.
Destiny came knocking, and I slammed the door on her.
Couldn't face it.
Couldn't let my guard down.
//I cant be what I was.
Faith the Vampire Slayer?
What a fuckin' laugh.
My destiny?
Well they picked the wrong girl.
I'm not Faith the Slayer.
Not anymore.