Disclaimer:  Don’t own them, Joss does. But if he is hiring them out for weddings, bar mitzvahs and christenings I’m sure me and Kitty can pool our resources together….lol
Everything else in this is mine, so hands off!!!

 

Comments: Okay two things, this idea came to me when I’d drunk far too much wine and was stuck on the tube home with nothing to do so if it doesn’t work I’m not at fault. The other thing is I’m not used to doing Faith fic other than the poems so bear with me whilst I try to get inside her head, makes a change from trying to get into her pants….lol.  

Thank you comment: Errr well apart from thanking the manufacturers of the wine I was drinking, thanx go to Kitty, who lets me swap and change so much with my fan fic and never once complains….I promise the Fates is almost there! 

Last comment: Go with me on this one okay, she may not look the “Dear diary” type, but appearances can be deceptive.

Faith's Journal

May 2000
 
Imagine a voice is whispering constantly in your head, but you can’t quite make out what its saying. Like there’s no volume control, or the reception keeps fading so it sometimes comes through clear and you might be able to grasp what’s going on, but then you move an inch or raise your arm too high and black out! Fuzzy grey lines and crackling static. Like Spike’s set he hocked for his crib always missing the end of Passions. And maybe you can fit the pieces together with what you’ve already heard, just like with Passions you can predict what’s gonna happen next, cos lets face it, writing a soap ain’t brain surgery. Mistaken identity, long lost sisters, unwanted pregnancy and somewhere there is a priest banging his brothers wife. (Jeez I need to stop hanging so much at Spike’s. Well I have this whispering in my head and it’s getting louder). It wants out. It wants to be heard and I really don’t want to be around to hear what it’s got to say. Cos I’ve an idea what it wants to tell me, hell I maybe a high school no show, but I’m not some big old dumbass either. Show me a 2 and a 2 and I’ll turn it into a 4. Give me a map of the world and I can find the shitheap I crawled out of at birth. Adjust the volume on this whisper that’s inside me and I know what’s gonna come blasting out.
 
But I’m not ready. I’m so with the not ready for this. All on board with the maintaining of the status quo. Have a full measure of don’t rock the boat in my hip flask and I’m heading straight for denial town if that’s what it takes. 
 
I’m not screwing up again.
 
I’m not about to let my heart get ripped out! Cos living on the hellmouth there is enough danger of that happening all in a nights work, so I’m sure as shit not gonna invite someone to do it willingly. Even if that someone has the prettiest smile I’ve ever seen. Damnit Faith! Be resolved girl.
 
Five by five
 

 

May 2000
 
What’s that saying? Ten steps forward and twelve steps back….Yeah that about sums up my day. I’m all with the ignoring how B affects me whenever she walks into a room. Denying the place is dark until she comes in and smiles. Like she brings this light with her that warms me to my very core, and I never even knew I was cold. All she has to do is say “Hi Faith” and I get this burning feeling start in my stomach that wants to race as fast it can around every inch of my body, and its not happy until it reaches my face and made me blush the way Tara does whenever Red touches her hand. Jeez, never thought I’d have anything in common with T-T-Tara.
 
Well so much for denial. So much for thinking I’m five by five, putting down B’s affect on me to some weird Slayer affinity/chosen one thing. Its not. It really isn’t.
 
We were out on patrol right. And I’m dealing. When I’m in patrol mode I’m pretty focused. Well as focused as I can get. And I’m really jonesing for some vamp butts to dust. Trying not to notice the new top B’s wearing. A sweater from Bloomies she said. All tight and pastely. Now me, I know I go for the “I like any colour as long as its black” area of retail therapy, but on B she could be wearing bright orange with purple stripes and I bet it would still look cute. So there we are, Sunnydale Memorial, minus the Scooby’s and Army Boy. I think B is still feeling bad over that punch last week, wants strictly Slayer alone time with me I guess. She’s doing her usual talking fast thing, because if she doesn’t fill the gaps between us there is this silence that just hangs in the air waiting for someone to slice and dice it. I can’t fill this space with words. She knows this. And she doesn’t want to fill it with anything serious like why she looked so sad the other day in the magic shop, so I let her drone on and on, one subject bleeding into the next cos she doesn’t seem to remember how to use a full stop or even a comma. I lost her around the time she mentioned Army Boy’s name, who wants to listen to her jonesing for lover man right? And I’m thinking - I can deal with this. I can cope. Here we are, alone, in the dark, but I’m not putting any of my moves on her cos like that would be the biggest mistake since some scientist guy wondered what would happen if he split the atom in two. And besides, it’s been so long since I put moves on a chick I wouldn’t know where to start. (Okay so I’m taking the whole denial gig a bit too far here, but remember I was resolved earlier on)
 
Then Slayer action. Four vamps dead ahead, pardon the pun. Not much of a challenge I must admit but still, any fight right now was a good thing. Instinct kicked in for both of us and we went on full alert. I vaulted over the nearest tomb and score 1 for the Slayer team!!! Full body kick sends the first two vamps to the floor, followed by a nifty double staking on my part and we’re down to 2 on 2. B’s handling both of them pretty well. And for a while there I just watch her in action. She looks so good when she’s kicking ass. Gets this mean, determined expression on her face that only I get to see. Cos when we’re slaying together she really lets herself go, doesn’t hold anything back in fear the Scooby’s won’t understand. She knows I get it. The need to dust as many bad guys as we can, cos that’s one less bad guy for the rest of the world to not worry about. I’m so lost at watching her I miss a vamp coming up behind me and again in less than a week I’m caught off guard cos of B as this vamp wails into me, knocking me to the ground. Shit right? And wouldn’t you know it, he’s a big mother and I’ve lost my stake. Talk about caught with your pants down. I’m doing what I can to hold him off me, but it’s hard! Me on my back, legs pinned. This guy must have been a pie eating champ or something before he switched to a liquid diet. Yeah, and I was gonna be his next meal if I didn’t do something real quick. So running out of options as fast as Xander runs out of intelligent thoughts I yelled for B. That’s what a partner is for after all. Back up. Gabrielle to my Xena right? And its been getting easier to ask for her help lately.
 
Could have done without what happened next though.
 
B’s offloaded her two vamps just in time to see my guy sharpen his milk teeth, she zips into action, more than a hop skip and a jump kinda deal and WHAM! Dives on his back, stakes him and there goes the dust bunny from hell. Of course what’s left is empty space between us, and before I can even think “this is not an ideal position for me and B to be in” she’s already dropped on to me. FULL BODY CONTACT! That’s what my head was screaming really loudly when it happened.
 
B is on top of me.
 
B’s face is inches away from my face and looking real cute up close.
 
B’s hands are dangerously close to my breasts, and although I wouldn’t wanna swear on the bible or Xander’s stack of porn mags about it now, but at the time all this was happening, it felt as though B copped an accidental feel when we are so meshed up together.
 
And I thought I’d been horny all the other times we’d wiped out the bad guys.
 
Soon enough she rights herself and gets off me. A little breathless, we both were. Don’t wanna guess what made her breath so laboured. I know mine was hitching in my throat, and my lungs were sending messages to my brain for it to send down some of the good stuff, but my brain was so not with obeying such an inconvenient demand as breathing, it was somewhere between “god B smells so good” and “What the hell just happened?????”
 
We look at each other. Her face is flushed, a crimson blush raising to her cheeks just like me whenever she is around. Huh, weird. Then she goes “You okay Faith?”
 
Five by five B. Hell what else could I have said!!