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Take two fictional characters from a popular cult television show, preferably cute and already coated with a hint of subtext

Mix in a little romance, a few fight scenes, and a large dose of angst of the will they/won’t they variety

Then go away for a few months and leave the ingredients to cook on their own accord, swimming back and forth inside the pot we in the business call a creative mind, making sure to have endless e-mail conversations with your Beta reader assuring her you know exactly what your characters are doing and where the recipe shall end up

Return to the stove after a suitable, frustratingly long time, then do not leave it unattended for anything, accept for your day job, sleep and the occasional bathroom break

(note to fan fic cooks: if preferable have understanding flatmates that make you coffee, supply endless cigarettes and can put up with hearing the tapping of keys into the wee hours of morning)

Once you have pretty much stirred all the ingredients together into what should by now look like a 50 page, angst-ridden epic go away again, because now its time for the obligatory sex scene and once more the pot called the creative mind has no idea how this bit of the recipes works

Return after several more conversations with your Beta reader and under the threat of death, or her taking away all your favourite videos, mix into the recipe a healthy portion of girl-on-girl action. To be found in the heart of all girl loving fan fic cooks, the sluttier the better the saying goes, but try to keep with the flavour of the entire piece.

After the sex has been well stirred, hit the save button to sear the dish in its entirety. Forget the spell check or last minute re-writes. Go away to leave the dish to soak in its own juices for at least a week, in that time smoke as many cigarettes as you see fit, re-emerge yourself in to the world, drink something other than black coffee and teach yourself how to hold a conversation that doesn’t include the phrases: ‘I told you I am working on it!’ ‘But I just don’t know how’ ‘So what’s another word for clitoris?’

After a week has lapsed the dish is now reading for a proofing by your Beta reader. She’ll be very happy to do this as you would have been working on it for at least three months and she is just dying to see what it tastes like.

Wait anxiously and impatiently for your Beta’s verdict, try not to send her e-mails which include: ‘So what do you think?’ ‘What do you mean, you’re only up to chapter 1?’ ‘Am I any good?’

(note to fan fic cooks: your Beta knows you and knows you would have created a duck a l’orange rather than beans on toast, so badgering and baiting her only encourages the scissor happy editor to emerge)

After your Beta has returned your dish, grammar corrected, spelling checked but leaving everything else in tact breathe a sigh of relief. Add a funny catchy disclaimer, remembering to thank the people that created your ingredients in the first place and obviously a special mention to all those that helped you in the kitchen for the last three months!