July 2000
You know there is one easy way to explain all
this. It can be summed up in a few choice words, a message from our sponsor,
and a seminar on how to explain things that no one wants explained.
I know it. I know it as sure as I know sleaze
ball is gonna be hassling me for rent on Friday and T-T-Tara is gonna stutter
every time someone mentions Wolfman’s name. I know what colours it wears;
know how it prefers steak to be cooked. I have its inside leg measurements
and its goddamn social security number. If you tapped me on the shoulder and
asked me where it lived I could tell you. Take me down to the station, show
me some mug shots and I’ll be there with “that’s your perp officer, that’s
the one you’re after”. I’m in a classroom full of kids and I’m the one saying
“Oh pick me Miss, pick me, pick me.”
The deal is I know what it’s called, I can
explain what it is, I just don’t like what the fuck it’s doing to me!
Its like I’ve been injected by the government
boys and now they’re watching me act all weird, waiting for me to screw this
up. If I was more of the paranoid persuasion like Xander that theory would
have way more kudos than it deserves. But still, I’m all with the acting not-Faith-like
right now, and how fucked that feels to me must be ten times more X-files
for the Scooby’s and for her.
See it starts with a heavy round of patrolling.
Had to step it up a gear as some minor league bad came onto the scene a few
weeks back. We’re not talking the Demon State Playoffs or anything but it
was enough for Giles to go all Watchery and start using long words again,
and for me and B to spend “professional” time together rather than comparing
and contrasting the new Fall line from Ralph Lauren. (Okay she’s the one with
the fashion I.Q. I usually just stand there and nod and try not to make some
lame remark about bulimia being the diet of choice these days) So we’re patrolling
together, a lot. And because her house is between my palatial dive and the
SunnyD Memorial Home for the Un-dead and other things not of this world, I
started to drop by before the sun went down to you know, ask her out to patrol.
Nothing wrong with that right? So far signs of strange-behaviour-Faith aren’t
showing themselves. Why wouldn’t one slayer call on another slayer? Hell we’re
supposed to be called upon, it’s in our contract! (Jeez Faith, that was lame)
And at first I’m timing it just right so I get B just before she is about
to come out and slay anyway. So there’s no awkward moments between me and
her mom, cos I know I make her nervous. The tattoos, the leather, the bad
attitude that’s surfaced in her presence more than once. Hell if I had a daughter
I wouldn’t let her hang with the likes of me!!
But you know what’s gone and happened? My timing
started to suck when I realised that B’s mom has chilled out over the whole
slayer-gal-pal thing; plus getting to her place a little earlier I get to
witness the rag-fest that is B with Dawnie arguing over who does the dishes.
And I’ve never seen anyone push B’s buttons the way little Dawnie does! It’s
fun to watch. So suddenly its okay for me to be spending some “family” time
with the Summers girls, and I’m acting all “please and thank you” in front
of B’s mom. Man, I even caught myself doing one of those fake you’re-a-parent-so-I-must-laugh-at-your-lame-joke
laughs the other day! And B gave me such a weird surprised look I wanted to
turn around and say fuck just to prove I’m still me.
But that’s just it isn’t it? I’m not me anymore.
I don’t know who the fuck I am supposed to be and its all her fault!
And if this keeps up, its not gonna be long
before someone catches on. Red is already wigging cos the other day in the
magic shop when she was in total wicca mode, you know her nose in a book,
actually her whole goddamn face was in a book she was zoning so much, I offered
to go get her mocha for her cos she had her regular 10 o’clock craving. Not
so out of the ordinary for most people I guess, but it seems no one expects
that from me. And why would they? Last time I did anyone a favour it involved
not breaking a limb for cutting in front of me at the liquor store.
So there’s me being nice to everyone, actually
listening to Giles when he tells me Slayer stuff, minding my p’s and q’s not
to mention the f’s and c’s in front of B’s mom, and every time I see Army
Boy I’ve inflicted some sort of damage on him…well in my head I’ve severed
a limb, cracked a few ribs and broken his nose in three places, what I’m actually
doing is exchanging these looks with cardboard face, he hates me I hate him,
we’re upfront about it with each other now, though no one else has figured
it out yet.
See what’s happening? I might as well hang
out a big banner and hire a sound system to blast out I am jonesing big time
for the Slayer!!!!
She’s the one that has got be acting all weird.
She’s the one that has me being nice to her
friends.
She’s the one who makes me enjoy family time
at her house.
She’s the one that has me split in two.
She’s the one…
…that’s it…isn’t it?
She’s the one….
Five by five, how the fuck should I know?