August 2000

You have to go, you know. Nah, let B and the Scooby’s figure this one out. No, just go, act all casual, ask after Dawnie. Yeah. No I’m not. I’m staying put and counting the cracks up there in the ceiling, I think they’re a few new ones. Best get them counted and catalogued and…if I start sounding more like Giles I’m gonna stick something really sharp in my eye. I’ll just go, yeah and be all tight-lipped cool slayer. Let her do the rambling thing. Right, decision made….

…that was the argument I was having with myself for like an hour this morning. Should I stay or should I go? Like that Clash song only without the cool guitar. I mean on the one hand there was demon stuff afoot as Red likes to say, and I should really be there to help the other slayer give the low-down on last night’s stake and kill, you know be professional about it and I don’t know, conscientious or something. And on the other hand why shouldn’t I go and see her and make her feel all uncomfortable again? Let Bitch Faith back in for a while and knock that happy content life of hers sideways. Cos you know what??? Since I met the Slayer my own life has been anything but straightforward. And lately!!! Lately its been twisted out of control and balled up inside me and I’m starting to get sick of it. Getting sick of the pain now. Cos it is painful to be in love. Don’t let any fucker tell you otherwise. The pain might lessen if you know the other person feels the same way about you but don’t kid yourself, it don’t lessen by much. I should know I’ve been here before. And remembering the way B shot off like a rocket or something else you don’t see for dust outta my room last night just made me realise how bad the pain has got inside me. How much it hurts to not have her. Hurts so much I keep expecting to look down at my chest and see it covered in blood.

Every time I see her man, and every time I think I catch something in those fucking emerald eyes of her’s I feel my heart bleed that little bit more.

And here’s me not wanting my heart ripped out. Looks like B has found a way to do that anyway without even trying.

Eventually after I’d changed my mind like another twenty times or so I went to the Magic Shop. And fuck it if its just Giles and that ex-demon chick there acting all surprised to see me. How come when I try to do the right thing by everyone its still the wrong thing to do? Is no one ever gonna cut me a break? Well I should know the answer to that one by now. That would be a no Faith. You ask the dumbest questions sometimes girl!

So they were surprised to see me cos little Miss Perfect Slayer had called round this morning before college, probably about the same time I was sat on my ass debating whether to get dressed today, and told them everything about last night. Well I bet she didn’t tell them everything, you know. Yeah can just imagine B not going with the whole… "so we slayed this demon, well I slayed and Faith just watched and then cos I was such a gross mess I went back to Faith’s and got all naked in her shower and then when I came out Faith was acting all freaky and weird so I, you know, left pretty darn quick I can tell you mister." Okay I don’t do ramble like B and I think I slipped into ex-demon chick there too, but you get my point. She came in early to give Giles the skinny and then leave asap to avoid yours truly. Great! Fucking perfect in fact! I was grrr all over again and I didn’t even have a chance to work any of it off cos Giles had me in front of a pile of books looking for the demon from last night. And I ain’t a fast reader, but shit what else was there to do? Besides if I hung around at the Magic Shop enough B might swing by, and I was suddenly feeling a rise in my bitch levels towards her now.

Bored much! I’d been at it for like ten minutes and I was SO not concentrating. One demon looks pretty much the same as the next one to me, besides my mind was not on any demon this morning. It was wrapped up in its usual games, tormenting me with images of B in my room last night, in the towel, out of the towel, the look in her eyes when I held her by the arms, the look on her face when she zoomed out of there like an express train. Oh yeah, plenty of stuff going on in Faith’s head today, all bad. Well some not so bad, but I wasn’t letting my mind linger on those thoughts. I wanted to stay pissed off you know? I had a right to be pissed off! Well I thought I did. Jeez what did B think I was gonna do to her? Didn’t think the look on my face was all slutty and I’m-gonna-take-you-now-whether-you-like-it-or-not. I wouldn’t do that. Like never do that. Hey I might go a few rounds with her and pound her a little cos the grrr in me sure wants to, and I might say some trademark Bitch sayings if she acts all wigged out again, but I would never hurt her. Never.

See how I’m not getting much demon researching done?

I look over to Giles. Not exactly pleading or anything cos at the end of the day I do what the fuck I want to do, but the guy’s been cool to me you know? So I kinda signal with my eyes "this ain’t working out" and he smiled that resigned but happy smile of his and nodded towards the training room. Cool, finally the guy is catching on with me. Excess grrr and everything, could do with a good workout. And if I got real lucky the Slayer might come along and I can pound her in a "friendly" little sparring match. Cool.

Time just flies sometimes, you ever noticed that? One minute I was all headachy and restless looking at Giles damn textbooks he got from fuck knows where, I mean where do you buy those kinda books? I’ve always wondered about that…well don’t suppose it matters as long as he tells me what I have to kill and how. So yeah one minute doing the bookworm thing, failing miserably at it just like back in high school and the next minute I’ve worked off more calories through the Slayer Strength Training Regime, if I worried about my weight I shouldn’t have to barf up my dinner till next Tuesday. Literally didn’t notice the shadows lengthening on the floor around the room as the day gave way to night, way too busy working up a sweat and hitting anything there was there to hit, kicking anything that could withstand it and vaulting on and off that hobby horse so much I could enter the Olympics with the routine, I got it down so good today. But you know what? When I finally eased up on the punch bag, when I finally eased up on myself and sat down on the bench pouring water over my face to cool me off, the first thought that came to my fucking mind was "Wonder what B’s doing now?"

Man, you can spend all your time wearing yourself out avoiding something and it will still be there at the end of the day waiting for you. Laying in wait, like I’m its prey or something and it wants me with my guard down so there is less chance I can fight back. Waiting with a truckload of pain and grrr all over again if I let it take hold of me. Well fuck this, I thought. Not going down that path this evening. I’m righting today off as a bad day from start to finish, swinging by the liquor store, or maybe even Willy’s dive to see if he as any of that paint stripper he calls bourbon behind the bar, and if I’m real lucky and deserving maybe, just maybe, that one thought I had just then of B will be all there is laying in wait for me when I finally crawled back to the motel.

Good call Faith. And that all might have worked out pretty much as I intended if it wasn’t for two things that were laying in wait for me outside the training room, when the Magic Shop was closed and I thought everyone had cleared out.

She was there. Standing in the near dark of the shop, I almost missed her. Standing there looking lost. But when she saw me, it wasn’t just B standing there I had to deal with, it was B standing there with that look in her eyes that makes it difficult for me to see straight, makes my head go all express with the thoughts in there, makes my heart hammer and my breath hitch in my throat each time I try to read what that look means.

Laying in wait all right, man I felt like I’d been ambushed!

"Hey" Good start Faith.

"Hey" Seems B didn’t know what to say either.

Silence. Of the deadly variety. Of the kind you wish you could break with explanations and declarations of what’s going on inside, but instead you just let the emptiness that’s there in the room deepen and the silence stretches out even further. I’m not gonna break it first. No-way man. This awkwardness is down to her, so she can bloody well fix it herself. Yeah, take the higher ground Faith, cos you SO deserve to…asshole.

"I…you look…I mean…good workout?" Hey, for once I’m not stumbling over my words, and damn it if seeing B stumble all over her words like that didn’t make me smile at her.

And for once here is where I don’t act all lame and high school prom on B. For once normal-Faith shows her face, and it was nice having her around for awhile….

"Oh you know B, doesn’t compete to a good Slay" I let my voice drop with that last line, I don’t mean slay, and I want her to know I don’t mean slay. Sick of pretending remember? Besides if she did the exit thing again like last night, least then I might know for sure I freak her out when I do stuff like that.

But she’s not running. In fact she’s getting closer. My nerves have come alive again, and suddenly I wished I hadn’t said what I did. So much for big bad Faith having a way with the ladies, but hey, good whilst it lasted.

"I know what you mean. I haven’t had a good slay in awhile"

Whoa, hold on there a minute, right? I mean this was Buffy Summers I was kinda talking to wasn’t it? She looks like B when I try to take in what she just said, and how she said it with that treacle and honey dripping from her mouth again, but you know could have been B’s bad ass double in disguise or something cos it wasn’t like all my senses were in sync you know? My heart pounding in my ears was drowning out all other noise, and my vision was going a bit hazy too, either from the aroma of the scent she was wearing that I could detect cos she was getting pretty close to me now, or maybe it was this pulling I started to feel in my gut you know, and a bit lower. Man when I get that feeling cos of B, it’s a wonder I don’t go blind, know what I’m saying?

She’s all close and looking at me. And I’m just stood there. Then it hits me, she ain’t running for the exit. I know, I don’t exactly catch on quick sometimes, but she threw me off-guard there with that slay comment. So I’m suddenly on a different track with the Slayer, one I’ve only toyed with up till now. The grrr in me has gone, left it behind the minute she walked in the Magic Shop if truth be told, and now I’m in more familiar territory, its my home turf you might call it.

Two can play at this game, I think to myself, and I can play it better than anyone else.

"Really?" Now it’s my voice dripping when I speak, and I could feel my left eyebrow go up, just like Xena, psyche! Always wanted to do that!

She’s blushing; I think she’s blushing. Maybe she’s just hot. It was warm in there, oh hell that’s me that was hot, not the room. No I made her blush, is that a good thing? Don’t wanna debate that now.

"So when was the last time you had a good slay then B?" Not that I really want to know, cos if she gives me dates and times of her and Army Boy I don’t think it’ll just be my flirty side that makes an appearance. But least I can tease her for awhile, and I’ve found out today that pushing the envelope on this thing with me and B is more fun than I thought it could be.

Her breath hitches; I can see it in her eyes she’s thinking how to respond to me. Hell she started this, well she didn’t exactly start it but she kept it going you know? And now she was wondering whether she could go any further with it. Yeah I think I spooked the Slayer tonight in the Magic Shop, but when I did she didn’t go running. I have that if nothing else, she didn’t run this time.

She drops her eyes not answering me. And I can’t just leave it like this.

"Last night’s slay was good. But it could have been better, don’t you think?"

Okay Faith, now she’s gonna high-tale it out of here. Yep any second get ready to watch slayer dust and you deserve it too for that remark. Could you be more crude? Oh fuck it man, it’s what I do. Its why I said it there in the Magic Shop, all dark and cosy.

But just as I fix my face so when B’s hand connects with it it won’t hurt as much as it should, she looks at me with that look I caught in her eyes when I knocked into her last night in my room. And the same warning bells and nerves start to flame in my body as they did then.

"Yeah, last night could have worked out better for the both of us."

This time there isn’t honey or treacle or anything dripping from her mouth other than…other than honesty. She was saying the truth when she said that to me, and you should know by now that I don’t know what to do when I’m faced with the truth. Flirty slutty Faith ran and hid, she was the one you couldn’t see for dust. I was all "loving the girl called Buffy" again and couldn’t wipe the smile off my face if I tried.

We might have said more than that. Might have even got talking serious like if we’d both tried. But something stopped us. Maybe the fact I couldn’t really string a full sentence together after she smiled at me made it difficult. Maybe she was all with the zooming thoughts and hammering heart for once and didn’t know how to deal with me there. She had a bag with the clothes I lent her, that’s why she’d stopped by. Apparently she’d tried the motel already and there was no sign. Man I knew I should have just stayed in today!!! So she gave me the bag, both of us all quiet and awkward.

"Thanks B. You could have kept em if you wanted" Didn’t want her to go, she was heading for the door and I wanted to say anything that would make her stay.

"Black really isn’t my colour Faith. But it’s an accessory I’m thinking about a lot lately."

She winks at me and closed the door. I had to laugh. There wasn’t much else I could do if I wanted to keep standing upright. Man, if my mind really went into what she meant by that, painful wouldn’t even cover it!!

Five by five