September 2000

Its finally quiet. Finally calm everywhere. Inside my head and out. And she’s finally asleep. Man she looks so peaceful laying there in some sweats I didn’t even know I had in the bottom of my closet. Its been a rough couple of days. But she’s asleep now, and my mind wants to play catch up with all the shit that’s gone down. Only I don’t want it too. I wanna sit here and keep watching the Slayer sleep. I’ve a stupid grin that won’t leave my face each time I look over at her and my stomach is doing these little flips. Man what’s happened to me? If I look in a mirror do you think it will be my face that peers back?

Fuck it man. I know what this is. And that stupid grin is growing into a full-fledged smile as I think about what this is. This is me happy. Get me?? Happy, who’d have fucking thought it?! And I’m not waiting for some big bad to come in and ruin it this time. I’m not second-guessing that this will only be around on a short-term contract. You know, its making a one night only appearance then will shoot through like all the other times, I’m not thinking that anymore. Man I can hardly grip this pen; I wanna laugh, I wanna scream and shout, tell the whole fucking world then shut the door on them again cos this time I want it to be just for her and me.

I need to get this under control, or else she is gonna wake up and I need to get all this down on paper before I forget. Though I don’t think I could forget the past 24 hours. Not ever. When the bruises heal, when the light comes around again making things safe once more, when we face the Scooby’s and tell them what’s happened and all of us start to get on with the day to day lives of the Hellmouth, I still won’t forget this. Because this is me happy for the first time in my miserable short life, really happy I mean. And I don’t think anything could make me forget that.

Still, she’s sleeping and I’m not about to wake her and I have nothing else to do accept watch her there on my bed, and I’ve been doing that for the past hour smiling that stupid smile to myself, so what the hell right?

God where to start working through this though? Now I come to think of it maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all. If I linger on some of the things that have happened I’m gonna get very grrr again, and if I skip over them to the good parts, like you do with a film you’ve seen loads of times and fast forward to the fight scenes, its not gonna make any sense to me. And I think I need this to make sense. I don’t know why. Maybe its cos since I became a slayer not much has made sense to me and I want things to start out on a normal path from now on, though how normal things can be living on a Hellmouth remains to be seen. Still, its time to stop with the questioning and get some answers. Ha, man I must be really happy if I’m willing to stick around for class instead of checking in at roll-call and heading down the arcade.

Okay, time to get Psyche 101 again Faith girl.

So there I was, all hungover, tired, angry and with an ache inside the size of which I don’t remember feeling before, not even when things went crazy between me and B and I made a move on Angel in some fucked up sense of payback did I feel so lost inside as I did the other evening standing outside on her porch, again scuffing my boots on the back of my pants waiting for her mom or Dawnie or if I was real lucky B to open the door to me. I’d stood there a good ten minutes with my hand balled up in a fist, inches away from the wood. I just couldn’t get it to knock you know? It was like I was paralysed or something. My heart was beating so fast, and I could feel sweat forming on my forehead dripping down into my eyes and past my nose. I smelt a hint of tequila and it all came flooding back what a mess of things I’d made at the Bronze and how above anything else I had to explain to B why I’d reacted the way that I did. Though my earlier resolve to tell her everything was beginning to waver a bit in my head as the pounding from my hangover started in again. But at least the wave of nausea that washed through me when I swept my damp hair off my face, wiping away the sweat, got me to knock on the Summers’ front door, cos if nothing else I figured Mrs S wouldn’t appreciate me barfing up all over her doorstep.

I heard footsteps almost straight away and I let myself hope that B had been waiting for me to come around, sitting impatiently on the stairs inside, waiting for my knock and jumping up all nervous and hopeful like. Hey, I never said I was thinking clearly when I went round to her house and besides fantasies of how B feels towards me was all I was left with after the other night remember? Anyway any smile that this thought had given me dropped off my face quicker than a vamp with a stake through his heart turns to dust when it wasn’t B who answered the door, or even the welcoming grin of little Dawnie who is always pleased to see me (at least one of the Summers chicks digs me, right?) It was Mrs S and you’d have thought I had barfed up in the flowerpots or something cos she didn’t look at all impressed that I was standing there.

"Faith" She sounded mildly surprised which I guess is understandable if B had told her even a fraction of what happened in the Bronze the other night, but still she was looking at me weird too and I was getting this feeling that I’d missed something pretty big that day.

"Hey Mrs S" Had to take a deep breath at this point cos not only did a portion of the tequila want to make a reappearance round about then but I wasn’t sure I could actually get the next words out without losing control of stuff inside me. Stuff like tears.

"Is B home?" Phew, I let go another deep breath and tried to do that smile that makes parents trust you with their youngest on prom night, but I probably just freaked out Mrs S even more with my version of it.

Then I know something is up cos her face goes all frowny and furrowed brow, like I’ve just said the most idiotic thing in the world and she is trying to figure out why I’d say something so stupid. And I’m beginning to get anxious now, that nausea in my stomach has turned into a knot, no wait a thousand knots all screwed up tight, and its clamping down my insides so I can feel myself get hot and in reflex I ball both fists up, I can feel the nails of my right hand break the skin but I don’t really notice it.

"What is it? What’s happened?" Don’t know if I sounded as anxious with my voice as I was feeling with my body but Mrs S relaxed her face suddenly so I’m guessing something about my behaviour tipped her off I was getting wigged out.

"Oh Faith sorry, I didn’t mean to alarm you" She kinda smiled slightly when she said that, like she too thought it was a little odd that I’d get so worked up over her daughter, but least the woman was being sincere. "Its just I thought you’d have been with her by now"

Okay I’m SO with the not following at this point. I looked at Mrs S, this time it was me all surprised, I had this expression ‘what the fuck are you talking about’ written all over my face, which at least meant I didn’t actually have to say that out loud to B’s mom and whilst she filled me in I had to take deep breaths and pry my fingers open from the fists I made, smearing the blood on the back of my leathers.

"Mr Giles called Buffy over to the Magic Shop this evening, I think he has everyone there. Something about putting an end to some…oh what was it Buffy said? Some major league bad, yes that’s what she called it. Don’t wait up mom, I have some major league bad to kill" Mrs S laughs then to herself, if I’d been in a more friendly kinda mood I’m sure it would of made me laugh too but I was edging ever closer to the darkness that’s always within me and I just couldn’t see the funny side. "You know one of these days I’d just like to hear ‘don’t wait up mom, I’m going to the movies then probably stop by the Frat house for an all night orgy, okay?’"

She’s laughing again, what the fuck is she going on about? I thought. So the General has called in the troops, everyone, and didn’t invite me. Wonder who’s choice that was? Doesn’t take three guesses. Now I wasn’t thinking about finding B and confessing my soul, I was thinking of finding her and putting an end to this thing I feel for her, one violent way or another. I think she once said that loves makes you do the wacky, well she was about to find out how wacky I could get.

Its lucky then that for once my guard dropped and the darkness inside me that I can keep well hidden so no-one can see it appear was seen very clearly by the now concerned protective eyes of B’s mom, cos if she hadn’t grabbed my arm a little too tight as I turned to leave I would probably be writing a different kinda entry in this journal tonight.

"Faith, she did try to call you. Just before she left I remember now, she let the phone ring for minutes then she had to go"

Was she lying? Could have been, right? A mother would do anything to protect their kid, well not including that bitch that gave birth to me, but Mrs S would definitely be the ‘hurt my girl and I’ll kill you’ variety of parenting (I didn’t stop ragging Spike for days when I found out how Mrs S hit him with an axe that one time) so I stood there facing this woman down, the look in her eyes almost as menacing as the look in my own must have been. Then I remembered about the phone back in the motel and my stupid idea that if I pulled it out of its socket no-one would be able to reach me and my hangover.

Good move Faith girl, you shit head. It worked, no-one had been able to reach you and now B and the rest of the Scooby’s were facing that demon fucker with one slayer down. Yeah smart move.

At this my eyes must have changed, or softened or brightened up or something that made the darkness in them fade away and Mrs S let go of my arm, took a good step back from me admittedly, but she had a relieved look about her when I managed to look in her eyes again.

"Yeah well I think maybe my phone is out of order now I come to think about it" Felt like I should make up some excuse to her, though looking back on it you’d have thought I could have said something that wasn’t so lame.

She only nodded, I think she was trying to figure out if I was still gonna go out and kill her girl, or help her girl kill.

I needed to say one thing more before I ran on down to the Magic Shop, hoping they’d all still be there. But I had to also get out of the bright light of the porch and into the shadows a bit so Mrs S wouldn’t see the look in my eyes when I said it.

"I’d never hurt B, Mrs Summers"

There was more that I wanted to say, and goddamn it I’m sure my face was saying the rest for me, I felt the prickle of tears again and pushed them back with the heel of my hands so hard my sockets hurt. But I just walked down the steps, not looking back at B’s mom cos I didn’t want to know what she was thinking about me now, and when I reached the end of their driveway despite the tequila that was still clinging to the insides of my stomach and the pounding of little steel balls in my head banging against my temples each time I moved, I broke into a run headed as fast as I could for the Magic Shop.

No time for the nervous death row walk in there on this occasion. Wasn’t worrying about what the Scooby’s might be thinking if they were still in there, or how B would react when she saw me come in. That’s the good part about being a slayer, knowing there is some meanass demon trying to take over your town, you begin to focus on the here and now and apologies and explanations just have to wait until you dust yourself down, wipe the blood from your blade and see the sun coming up again. It’s something both me and B have done in the past, locked away the pain and the anger with each other so we can get on with our job. What we were chosen for. And as I burst into the Magic Shop, the door flinging open and knocking some not inexpensive fertility statues off the shelves as it banged into them, I was hoping that this was one of those times when B would remember why we’re here and let me help her do the job we never asked for. But B wasn’t there as I did a quick check of who was in the shop, which for the first time I realised how eerie the place looked when the candles are all going and there’s no other light source in there.

The Wicca lovers were sat on the floor along with ex-demon chick and Xander, they formed a circle and when I got close I saw the pentagon in salt marked in the middle of it. Right so we have Wicca power going down again, this must be bad if Giles is going with the mystical, I remember thinking. I was about to say something, like ‘hello I’m here’ maybe as not one of them had looked up when I made my very stealthy entrance, in fact they didn’t seem to be registering anything apart from the candles each of them had on the floor in front of them, low chanting coming from Red and T-T-Tara unison like, when Giles came in from the back and seeing me about to open my big mouth shushed me straight away and beckoned me over.

He looked pissed at me, that restrained pissed face he gets when he takes his glasses off so he can eyeball me without the lenses getting in the way. Well I know I deserved it this time, the whole phone thing biting me squarely in the ass now, so I did what I was told for once and almost tiptoed round the mystic party and followed Giles to the training room. I thought maybe B would be there, but even as I had this thought I knew she wasn’t, I can just sense her presence sometimes you know? and I all I was sensing right then was Giles anger, and the locking down of my emotions inside one by one as I prepared myself for whatever fight B had gone on.

"Where the hell have you been?" Even though we were in the next room with the door closed Giles kept his voice to a loud whisper, obviously what the Wicca’s had going on in there was pretty powerful mojo, and I couldn’t help the feeling that yet again I’d let everyone who has ever given me a chance down.

I scuffed my feet on the floor, acting like a kid who’s got caught sneaking back way after their curfew by an irate parent.

"At the motel" I mumbled it and I began to wonder where Bitch Faith was when I needed her.

"Buffy and I tried calling you there, we got no answer" Giles didn’t seem to be calming down much, so I kicked my feet on the floor even more and just to add another measure of petulance I dug my hands deep into my jacket pockets, I think I even pouted some.

"Well, like my phone is fuh..I mean screwed and I’ve told the manager to come get me when he puts calls through to the room but he’s such a lardass that he never leaves his office unless its rent day. How was I supposed to know you needed me?" Okay to seal the effect and get his anger off me and onto something out of both his and my control, thus not ragging my ass about it anymore, I looked at Giles with such an innocent, pleading gaze, a slight grimace to my lips so he’d see how upset I was that he was angry at me, and like any pro who flashes the right amount of leg out on the sidewalk, I hooked Giles in and all I needed to do was reel in the line.

"Its just as well that I went round to see B this evening and her mom told me she was here else I’d have still been none the wiser. I mean Giles, didn’t you think of sending anyone to come get me?"

Maybe I was pushing it now, but he still had his glasses in his right hand and I know he was still slightly pissed, and all this anger back and forth was seriously slowing me down in getting to the Slayer and sorting this whole mess out. Giles must have figured that too cos he let my comment drop without responding to it and paced away, cleaning and returning his glasses to their rightful place.

Phew, breathe deep Faith and start getting some answers.

"So what did you call me for? I’m guessing that little show out there ain’t cos you lost the keys to this place again"

Sometimes I amaze myself that I can come out with words that sound like me when inside I’m feeling far from the Faith I know, and usually loathe.

Giles turns to me, he’s sighing and rubbing his forehead. This usually means that he’s had a really bad day and could do without my sarcasm. Oh well.

"Come on Giles, I practically busted a gut getting here tonight. Least you can do is fill me in on what I’ve missed and tell me how I can play catch up with the rest of the gang"

I think I broke him from his thoughts or something cos he looked at me a little out of focus at first, like he was trying to remember what I was doing there then he nodded his head, the way you know he is about to launch in to one of his demon monologues and this time I was determined not to just hear the part about how I kill them.

"Right, of course. I’m sorry Faith, its been a rather long day"

I grimaced when he apologised to me, feeling something most people wouldn’t think I could feel, guilt for turning the tables on something that was so my fault in the first place. But like I said being a Slayer means you just have to lock the emotions away sometimes, this was one of those times.

"I’ve uncovered, that is we’ve uncovered the purpose behind the Formorii’s presence here in Sunnydale…"

I know he hates it when you interrupt but I was already a bit lost, how much had I missed?

"The Formorii, that the huge ugly guy we came up against before?"

He looked at me like I should have known this detail before, and its quite possible that I was present at that particular briefing but sorry Giles, not real good with names you know?

"Yes, the Formorii. He’s the last surviving demon of the Formorii clan, ancient sea demons with mystical powers. I underestimated him the first time you went up against him…."

No shit Giles. I still remember the ass kicking I got cos you came up short. Luckily I only thought this and made out to be ‘pensive, listening slayer’ until he finished.

"…but now we’ve found a way to bind his powers so it should be easier to kill him. That’s what they are doing in there, but I don’t know how long they can keep it up and we have no idea how many more demons and vampires Formorii has under his power protecting him now. I would have preferred to send both slayers out to stop him this evening, but circumstances being what they were Buffy has gone on ahead"

He stopped, took off his glasses again and began to clean them. It’s a nervous thing he does, usually when the odds against us good guys coming out on top are slim to none.

And B has gone after this bastard alone? I was beginning to lose my cool again.

"Gone ahead?" It was as if Giles had just told me we were late for some lecture or something and B had gone ahead to score us the best seats. "She’s just gone ahead?"

Okay could do without the appearance of Repeato Girl please.

Giles puzzled frown meets me full on and he nods his head.

"Giles that scumbag almost got us the last time, and we had double strength slayerage on the case, how could you let her go on ahead without back up?"

I bet Giles was thinking that I was so pissed and acting all wigged cos I was feeling left out; the Faith he thinks he knows hates to miss the undead party and she secretly thinks she is the better slayer so sending on the Pastel version was just a bad idea. Well he was dead wrong, I was barely able to contain the fear inside that B wasn’t going to make it back alive. I was already with the doubts, that no matter how skilled I know the Slayer is, she might fail this one time, like I had lets face the truth here, and being faced with that knowledge the other night in the training room scared me more than anything I’ve ever come across, even my love for B.

And yet what Giles next told me didn’t ease the fear inside, although I suppose to any rational mind it should.

"For one thing you know trying to stop Buffy from doing anything she has her mind set on is a near impossible task..." Well had to agree with him there B’s like the most stubborn chick I know, apart from me I guess, and I felt that twinge of guilt again for laying into Giles. "And another thing, she isn’t alone. Riley insisted on going with her."

No, afraid that didn’t help Giles but thanks for trying all the same.

Army Boy is with her when I should be. Army Boy is there for her because I’m never there when she needs me. Army Boy insisted on going with her, okay so I begin to take a little comfort from that remark, and the small place in the back of my brain that still hasn’t quite mastered the blocking out of emotions started to hope that B really didn’t want to take Army Boy with her and instead wanted me by her side, cos she has realised that’s where I belong. But I couldn’t let that thought take hold right then and there, besides it got quickly swept aside when I realised it was Army Boy that was going to get the Slayer killed. She was up against a demon the likes of which neither of has encountered in a long time, not to mention like Giles said the amount of undead protection he’d called into action by now, and on top of being lone slayer on this assignment (which believe me was bringing on the guilts like I couldn’t believe) she’d have to watch out for her lame honey’s ass when her concentration should be elsewhere.

No this was not helping me calm down. And it wasn’t helping me lose the attitude.

"Oh well that's alright then isn’t it Giles? I’m sure by now the two of them have slayed this Form guy already and are splitting a frapachino down at Starbucks. Jesus Giles you might as well have sent her with her hands tied behind her back and a sign around her neck saying Kick Me"

I moved over to the weapons on the far wall to get away from the glare I received for that little outburst, the glasses had come off again and I think I was about to face the full on might of Giles’ British restraint being unrestrained for once. Shit, I didn’t have time to argue this with him, or apologise like I know I should so I reached for my trusty axe loaded my jacket with a few stakes and as an afterthought because I’ve not been too keen on knives since...well since a while, I picked up the ivory handled 12inch blade Giles kept around for more ornaments sake than any other.

"Will these do the job this time? They don’t need to be mojo’d do they?" I spoke with a little too much contempt, reminding Giles of the last time we tried to kill this fucker, and whether he was feeling a little of the guilt that seemed to have arrived by the busload on a day trip to SunnyHell, he stopped the glare and just shook his head no. A little resigned maybe I thought, and very very weary all of a sudden. I could see it in his eyes, he was getting too old for this I thought suddenly and then shook that thought free from my head cos for all his faults and overbearing sometimes, I don’t know where me and the Slayer would be without him.

I softened my voice a little as I made my way to the back door, to try and mend some of the tension in the air maybe, or just cos the guy really didn’t need to be on the receiving end of my fucked up way of caring for the Slayer.

"Is it the same den as before?"

He nodded. "Yes, the Formorii is a creature of habit it seems. Willow and the others will try and hold his powers off for as long as they can...." There was something else he wanted to say, he looked a bit anxious, scared for his Slayer maybe, just like I was.

"Don’t worry Giles. I won’t let anything happen to her." Funny how twice in one night I had to reassure people about B’s safety around me.

As I opened the door Giles had one last thing to say to me and just like so many things over the past few months have managed to make me stop and take in a deep breath, re-thinking my life and the people in it, Giles words made me pause for just a moment the other night.

"Don’t let anything happen to you either Faith."

Woa, my mind screeched. Was that concern? Was that sincere? Was that an emotional response from stoic Giles to me, the Bad Slayer? Yes. And cos right then and there all my mind could do was take that in, and not form a response to it yet, I smiled my trademark back grin at the Watcher.

"Hey Giles, five by five man"

Yeah, only what happened that night wasn’t five by five at all.