Disclaimer: Don’t own them, MCA does. But I got kinda pissed at how they left things at the end of the last season so I sneaked in, dead of night kinda deal, and you know what? I don’t think I feel like giving ‘em back this time. I don’t own the song either (Autumn Leaves), in fact not even sure who does, but the version I am using here was recorded by Eva Cassidy, another great lady who died before her time, so its kinda fitting don’t ya think? Everything else in this is mine, so hands off!! You know who you are!!!
Spoiler comments: Well yeah, you kinda need to have seen
the last ever ep of Xena, or at least know what happens to the warrior princess
in the last ever ep to get this song fic. If you haven’t seen it go off
and do some research, I’ll wait.
Comments: I’ve never done a song fic before, so this could turn out to be disastrous. I was inspired by reading one of Kitty’s excellent song fics to try my hand at it, so if there are thanx and praises due, as usual they go to her.
Feedback, calls for my beheading, autographs, you know where to send them. Enjoy!!!
Autumn Leaves
by Mbard
The falling leaves
Drift by my window
The weather was changing again. So soon thought the bard; she took off her goatskin jacket and walked over to the small window, peering out into the fading light of the sun. She hadn’t wanted to get a room just yet, had wanted to keep on travelling and sleeping under the stars for a few more weeks. Yet necessity dictates sometimes, and Gabrielle hadn’t been able to sleep through a whole night out in the open without waking shivering from the cold, for too many weeks now. The lethargy that clung to her limbs was slowing her reactions during the day; the ache behind her eyes of the slumber that had been robbed from her by the cold made it difficult to focus in the mornings; as much as she hated to give in her to body’s need for rest, she knew that staying alive on the sometimes hazardous path she now walked alone required all her strength, both mentally and physically. The first inn she came to in a town she didn’t know the name of, or much care to find out, was suitable, if a little on the small side. She bartered with the landlord on the rent of the room, recalling a long lost memory of doing the same thing for her companion whenever they allowed themselves the luxury of a proper bed to sleep in. Gabrielle banished the thought quickly, so easily followed by more painful ones if she allowed it, and followed the stout landlord up some rickety stairs, to the small room she now stood alone in. Watching the leaves from a nearby oak tree dance in front of the window.
The falling leaves
Are red and gold
Green eyes misted over as the bard’s mind made the connection it always did when it saw the changing colours outside. The gold of her armour that last day she went into battle. The determination on her face, just as it always had been, willing Gabrielle to be strong whatever the outcome. In quiet moments the bard wondered if she’d disappointed her partner with that last request. And the red. The red of her skirt. The red and black top she wore, so unlike her usual leathers it made her look like a stranger the first time Gabrielle saw her in it. Until that face, with those soul piercing blue eyes turned to her with love and hope, and she recognised the look of her lover, returning it with one of her own. Wiping the tears away that ran un-hindered down pale cheeks, the bard remembered that last day, over two years ago now, as if it had only occurred that morning. Gold tinted swords crashing through the air, striking, slicing, making the ground red with blood. Her skin, always so dark and even, streaked with the drying blood of her enemies, and the brighter, redder blood from within herself. And then the huge arc of the sword as it happened. As the whole world ended for Gabrielle, taking all that mattered with it and leaving her behind to pick up the pieces. She turned away from the window; moved slowly to the bed as the weight of her memories or maybe the exhaustion of the last few days pulled her towards sleep.
I see your lips
The summer kisses
For the first time in months Gabrielle dreamed as she slept. Probably because the need for rest drove her into such a deep sleep, the thoughts and memories she’d been having all day playing freely in the field of her mind still. It was a dream she didn’t want to wake from. A tall dark woman, an eyebrow arched high over the most clear blue eyes the bard can ever remember seeing, something in her hands she is holding out to her. The smile on the face of the darker woman is sincere yet cautious at the same time. In her dream Gabrielle reaches out a hand to caress the soft skin of her lover’s cheek, and placates the look of apprehension in the azure orbs with a reassured smile of her own. The gift to be exchanged between them now sits in the bard’s hands, she’s staring at it puzzled, not ready to open it, not knowing why she doesn’t want to. A familiar hand is tilting her chin towards the sun. A smile brushes quickly across Gabrielle’s features as she knows what is coming next. Green eyes close before they want to, the glare of the sun when she is looking up at her tall lover is too powerful, but she wouldn’t want it any other way. The closing of her eyes, a signal for her lover to move in closer, to cautiously at first place soft red lips to the bards, instilling in the small woman the knowledge of how much she is cherished by her companion. Then tenderly and slowly, a soft tongue where soft lips once were, explores the lips below hers. Invading a little, teasing and biting, slowing, moving fast. A lover’s kiss. Gabrielle turned restless in the bed, a smile formed on the sleeping lips. Lips that haven’t been caressed by anything other than such wistful smiles in a long time.
The sunburned hands
I used to hold
She’s walking by a beautiful clear blue lake. The water looks cold but welcoming, offering some respite from the heat that surrounds her. Clinging to her clothes, heating her skin and making it sweat. Slowing her body down as if the sun had grown invisible hands and physically held onto her legs and shoulders as she tried to move. Big fat droplets of sweat fall from her short blonde bangs, and she raises a hand to wipe them out of her eyes. She doesn’t get that far when she recognises the larger, tanned hand that’s holding her own. A rough callused thumb stroking across the back of her palm, in her dream Gabrielle recognises the touch as one of the first ways her soulmate started to let her into her heart. She sees in the eyes of her friend the same weariness with the heat, but also a glint of something else. Playful perhaps. Mischievous. A look the bard doesn’t get to see on her companion very often, so cherishes the moments the blue-eyed one lets her guard down. Two strong arms swoop Gabrielle off her feet and into the able, muscular body of the dark woman. They are headed for the water to cool off. To Gabrielle, her sleeping self half-recognises that this is all just a dream, the shock of the cold water against her skin is due to the fact the window in her room back at the inn wasn’t completely closed, and a cold gust of wind has crept in around her as she sleeps. But then she looks up through dripping wet hair at the woman who is stood resplendent, waist high in the clear silky water of the lake, and all Gabrielle wants to do is reach out to her. Hold on as tight as she can. Bring their hands together once again. Feel their comfort as she brings them to her wet skin, placing them below her own palms on the flesh she aches to be touched by her lover once more. To just have one more moment of holding hands that have caressed her, saved her, tortured her, loved her. Gabrielle’s dream reaches out her hands to the woman who captured her heart so long ago.
Since you went away
The days grow long
Reaches out and waits for them to be taken in hands so familiar. She waits as the sun begins to descend from the sky and the first stars begin to blanket the night sky in her dream. The bard realises she is cold once more and she is no longer shivering in the water of the lake, but is laying in a small, dimly lit room, a window to her left clattering against the wall each time the wind hits it, her body bare of covers accept for the clothes she travels in. Just like in her dream the light has gone out of the day. As she walks over to fasten the window shut, she sees the dry leaves that have fallen to the wooden floor below the windowsill. Her eyes then gaze back longingly to the bed, as if she knows that for however long she slept just now, it will be the last peaceful slumber she’ll enjoy that day. For the memories shall start again soon. The clear still images she has in her mind of the places they travelled together, the people they helped. And when those memories take hold, it lengthens the grieving in her heart and the bitterness in her mind. It robs her of the precious sleep her body yearns for. One day without her seems like a lifetime. A never-ending torture of waking alone, walking alone, crying alone, and sleeping alone. That’s perhaps the worst part. Sleeping without her by her side. Often, like today, the bard won’t sleep even though she knows she should. She’d rather drag the day out into an eternity than have that empty space to roll into, the pain crashing through her heart when she reaches for a body that is no longer there.
And soon I’ll hear
Old winter’s song
She lights a candle that rests on an old wooden table by the bed. Its soft yellow glow bringing some light to the darkness that surrounds her. The room seen in such gentle light doesn’t appear so dismal as before. Gabrielle’s gaze moves from the window her mind wants to stay focused on, and the leaves that are falling outside, to look around her dwelling. Wondering if she can see herself staying on here indefinitely through the cold months ahead, or whether she’d try to go inland more, to the places she’d spent the Solstice with her warrior, like she had the past two winters. Reliving old memories, re-reading the scrolls she’d written in a much more youthful, innocent voice. Whether she stayed here in this homely, rather quaint little inn, in the town she didn’t know the name of nor probably ever would, or found some quiet cavern for the winter and burrowed away in it like some sleeping animal, Gabrielle knew she’d feel the same old pain. She knew how hard it would be to get through the harsh, snow filled months ahead and it didn’t have anything to do with the biting cold that wrapped itself around her bones. It didn’t have anything to do with the Solstice, how if she celebrated it at all, it was with a skin of wine and only her self for company. It was because another year would be passing of living without her. And it chilled Gabrielle’s heart whenever she saw the change from summer green to the reds and golds of the trees outside, knowing that another year was almost over, another year alone was ahead.
But I miss you most of all my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall
The anger grew strong inside her. The ache deepened so it felt like a pit straight to the depths of hell had opened up in her stomach. The bard decided to go for a walk, knowing that her screams of anguish and heartache would be hard to explain to the inn’s other guests. It always happened like this. A pattern, a cycle she’d gotten trapped inside within such a short space of time. Her gaze shifted uneasily as she wondered which path to take that would lead her into the woods, but not stray too deep inviting danger to come and find her. The night now held that light, fresh wind that could still invade your skin and bite into it with cold teeth that tells you winter is just around the corner, but Gabrielle had her coat back on, and warm leather boots so she didn’t mind the wind creeping around her shoulders. She wanted to avoid a path that was laden with trees, trees that were losing their shading, their cloths of red and gold. But looking around her, a full moon above providing the clarity to see in the dark when others might fear to venture out so late, the bard realised that any path she took from now on would lead her to painful memories, a tragic day, and a heart that won’t stop bleeding even though it had never been stabbed with a blade. So she walked away from the people, with their burning fires in their snug little homes of the town she’d stumbled by, and off into the woods. Waiting just the right amount of time so enough distance was covered between her and the life outside these trees. She sank to her knees, the wind raining red and gold down upon her, and screamed out her tears. Cried out her pain. There was bitterness warring with guilt in her head. She was blaming her lover again, hating her for leaving her alone, leaving her helpless like this. Hot salty tears that streamed down her face. So intense they felt like scalding water against skin that had cooled in the night air. Angry at her partner for putting her through the agony of that day, seeing her bloodied body on the battlefield. A memory that would make a home for itself in the bard’s mind, and on autumn days like today, a glint from the trees, or the first leaf that fell ushering in the end of the year, would bring that memory out in full force and send Gabrielle crashing to her knees.
Since you went away
The days grow long
And soon I’ll hear
Old winter’s song
You could hear the sound of dry retching, and hard shallow sobs coming from somewhere inside the woods. Woodland animals, the kind that stay up late to create havoc in the fields of corn and barley nearby, scurried away from that sound for fear it was something big and threatening. It was big, but Gabrielle wasn’t much of a threat right now, wiping the spit from around her mouth with the back of her hand and steadying her shaking limbs by falling down on the bed of grass and leaves beneath her. So it seemed she was going to spend the night under the stars after all. A smile completely devoid of mirth and warmth crept up to her lips as she tilted her head back, breathed out heavily and watched the air around her turn her breath into a mist she could catch in her hand, like she’d tried to as a child. A longer breath followed, her tears gone for now. Gabrielle followed the path of her breath as it met with the cool night air and once again a memory fought its way to the surface. Snow drenched mountains in the North, an army she thought she could defeat but Gabrielle had known all along that she couldn’t. One last fatal attempt to change the course of things had gone wrong, then captured like dogs. Breath coming out colder than now from the bard’s mouth as she turned to her soulmate one last time and told her she loved her. But it hadn’t been the last time she said those words. Gabrielle’s mind raced to the present again, her head flicked angrily from side to side as yet again the day around her wasn’t ending, only repeating a lifetime lived and loved with her warrior lover. A lifetime that had been resurrected more than once, but now left empty and hollow, like the dead trees that winter’s harsh brutality lay claim to each year.
But I miss you most of all my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall
A different kind of pain enveloped the bard. The bitterness and anger that escaped through her tears were replaced by a longing she’d thought on more than one occasion she’d die from, but never had. The edges of her dream from earlier on caught in her mind again, and she remembered the way her lover’s dark hair glistened in the water. The image seemed so real to her, and of course it should. A wistful smile replaced the look of sorrow for a moment on her face, as Gabrielle recalled the long playful afternoons the two of them would spend on the beach, or by some quiet stream where only the peering eyes of nature could see what they were like with each other when they were alone. The tenderness the warrior could display as she held the bard close, bringing her a pleasure Gabrielle now ached for. The deep voice whispering words the warrior had hidden in her heart for so long, but finally found the courage to express. As another gust of wind shook the leaves from the trees, and provided a blanket for the suddenly peaceful bard, she remembered autumn nights like this one when she wasn’t alone. A fire burned almost to the embers, the soft caress of the moon shining above. Gabrielle yearned for that time again with her lover.
I miss you most of all
my darling
When autumn leaves
Start to fall
The bard’s eyes felt heavy. Her whole body had taken on the weight of these woods and she wanted to sleep. The night was growing thin, the air hinted snow, or at least bitter rain. She should move. Back to the inn. It would be warm there her mind reasoned. There would be a fire burning in the hearth. But she didn’t want to leave this place. Sometimes the memories were a comfort. Her only comfort. The ache of loss, the despair that followed her every time she looked and her soulmate wasn’t there. They soothed her in a way the tears, and the anger, and the blame, never could. Most of all, seeing the red and gold fall away, feeling the hard cold hands of winter creep at her neck, like they were doing tonight, Gabrielle felt the love that lingered on in her heart for the warrior that had died. When the autumn leaves start to fall, she missed Xena more than ever.
The end