Untitled Document

Title: A Dream Within A Dream
Author: Sarah
Rating: I'm sure at one point it'll be NC-17, but for now there's nothing
more than PG-13
Disclaimers: They're really mine, but you all were just tricked into
thinking they belonged to Joss? *coughs* Really, I swear I'm telling the
truth. *pauses* Anyone believe me? *hopeful look*
Notes: This is the sequel to Is It Love. It might be confusing, but I'm
trying to have it make as much sense as possible, really. The title is the
name of the poem used in the beginning.
Summary: Set after Graduation II, Faith wakes up from a coma, and is unsure
of what reality actually is.
Dedication: To Michele, thanks for the help with this part. You rock sis.
And to Anne, because this is her fic.
*******
Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

~Edgar Allan Poe

Before I can even open my eyes, the first thing I notice is the gentle
humming of several machines surrounding me. I bite my bottom lip at the
throbbing in my head but force my eyes open in spite of the pain. I never
knew it was such a hard task to do something that's normally so simple. When I do finally manage to get them open, I find that I'm in the place I dread the most. The hospital.

How did this happen? Where'd Cordy and B go? Please don't tell me that was only a dream. I want to scream, to yell for my girlfriend, but my minds so fuzzy now I'm not sure of what’s even going on. She is my girlfriend right? I thought we were at her house.

I close my eyes tightly, willing my mind to stop long enough for me to get out of here. Simple, I'll just leave and I'll go to C's house and she'll
explain everything to me. She'll make it better right? Of course she will.
She loves me, doesn't she? Or what if that was all a dream? Why the hell am I here?

Dammit, I need to stop thinking. Just stop thinking and get out of this bed. I carefully pull the IV's from my arm and force myself into a sitting position. I have to take a few minutes to rest after that. I have a feeling it's not a good thing that the room is spinning around me. When I finally regain my equilibrium I get out of the bed and search for my clothes, or any clothes. I doubt they're going to let me walk out of here if I've got this damn gown on.

I can't help but laugh at the thought that pops into my head. Maybe that's why Cordelia's not here. She always was very fashion conscious right? Maybe she just couldn't stand to look at me in this tacky thing. I convince myself that’s the reason and that once I get to her house she'll just smile and pull me into her arms to make it all better.

I find my clothes in a drawer beside the bed and slowly pull on my leather pants, thankful for their familiarity. When I unfold my shirt to put it on though I notice that there's something wrong with it. The first thing that sticks out is the fact that it's covered in blood, my blood. I run my
fingers over the material, trying to remember what the hell happened but I haven't the slightest idea. As my fingers continue to roam over the shirt I notice that it's ripped in the middle, but it doesn't look like an ordinary tear. For the first time I think to actually look at my body and pull the gown the rest of the way off and notice the large cut on my stomach, covered in stitches and dried blood. What the fuck happened? Was I stabbed? I can't walk out of the hospital with this on! But I suppose I have no choice, I'll just have to be discreet about it.

I sit back down on the bed to calm myself for a few minutes before peaking my head out of the door. I notice that there isn't anyone around, at least not that'll be able to stop me so I hold my hands in front of my body to
hide the stains on my shirt as well as possible and high tail it out of the hospital.

Once I made it outside I noticed that it was nighttime. Something I was
thankful for since it would be easier to make my way to Cordelia's without being spotted. I have no idea what time it actually is, but at this point I could care less. With my destination in mind, I quickly make my way to C's house. Well, as quickly as possible in my condition, which is more like an eighty-year-old woman who has to use a walker to move. But at least its progress right?

When her house was finally in sight, I swear if I weren't in so much pain I would literally jump for joy. But I have a feeling it's going to take the rest of my energy to actually walk those ten houses to get to hers. Maybe I should've actually thought before leaving the hospital. Shrugging my shoulders I continue my walk and finally I make it to the front door. I can feel an uneasiness in the pit of my stomach, though I'm not sure why.
Cordelia should be happy to see me right? Doesn't she love me? Taking a
shaky breath I lift my hand to the doorbell and press it gently, swallowing hard, praying that everything I know, or think to know is true.

****

"Faith," her hard voice greets me. Why did she sound so cold to me? Why is she staring at me? Maybe she's just in shock? I mean, I'm probably pretty
messed up right? It looks like someone tried to gut me after all. Yeah, just play it cool.

"Hey doll," I reply, much quieter than I had intended. I guess I'm not so
tough after all if I can't even hide how scared I am.

"What the hell are you doing here? Aren't you dead yet?" She yells at me,
and there's nothing but hatred in her voice that can't be denied. What did I do wrong? What the fuck is going on? Dead? Isn't she supposed to love me? Don't you love me C? I love you dammit!

Why can't I make my mouth work? We're just staring at each other, endless
moments of confusion passing between us. "Dead?" I finally manage to ask. “I thought you loved me," I whisper so softly I'm not even sure if I said it out loud or just in my head. I'm not sure of anything at the moment.

I hear her laughing, it's just as cold as her voice and I feel like there
are a million little knives being shot into my body. "Love you? Who in their right mind would even like you after what you did to everyone? I was hoping you were dead."

I look up into her eyes, the eyes that seem to be killing me all on their
own and collapse onto my knees. I've got no more energy to stand, no more
energy to talk. I faintly feel the warmth of tears falling from my eyes and force myself to speak, hoping to figure something out. "You did love me. And I love you. What happened C? I know you used to hate me when we were kids, but then what about all that other stuff? What about when we made love and you..." I choke on the rest of my words, and just start crying.

I lift my head to look up at her standing over me, hovering like a vulture and for a brief moment I see her eyes soften before they become as hard as steel. Then they turn from cold to confused, and I think she finally
believes me. But why wouldn't she? It's all true isn't it? I swallow another sob and curl into a ball.

After long moments I feel her arms around me, offering comfort but it's not in the way my Cordelia would hold me. It was forced, and probably more upsetting than comforting. This can't be happening. This has to be a dream. Please God let this be a dream. I can't take losing Cordelia.

I'm not sure how many moments passed that I just cried in her arms. I was
partially right at least, that I'd show up and she'd take me into her arms. I just never knew it would be like this. How can she not remember our lives? What did I do to make her hate me again, just when I opened myself to her?
"Faith," her soft, yet still icy voice breaks me out of my thoughts. "We
need to go inside, it's not safe out here at night. You know that."

"Well if you hate me so much why don't you just leave me out here to die?
I'm better off dead anyways!" I snap through the tears, unsure of why I just did.

"Well considering that you tried to kill us all I should leave you to die!" She yells back and pulls away from me. When I look back into her eyes I can see that the momentary sympathy she felt for me is already gone.

"Kill? Why would I ever do that? Kill who? What the hell are you talking
about? I love you Cordelia!" I plead, begging her to give me some sort of
answers.

"I guess Buffy did more than just kick your ass that night. What the hell
did you hit your head on? You're evil Faith, or did you forget all you did to us? Did you forget trying to kill Angel and Buffy and all the other
innocent people that you did kill? Or are you trying to fool us again? I
might not be the brightest one of the gang but I'm not falling for this
again."

When she finishes I see her moving back to the door as I lay on the ground, crying for all that I've lost, or believe to have lost. This is a dream This is just a bad dream and I'll wake up at any moment right? I keep repeating it in my mind as a mantra, hoping and believing that any second I would wake up and I'd be in bed with Cordelia in my arms.

After what seemed like an endless amount of time I had to face the reality that I wasn't going to wake up. That I was here on Cordelia's porch, weak
and scared. Two things that I can't ever recall being in my life. And worst of all, I had to face that the one I love is full of nothing but hatred and contempt for me. Then the most nauseating feeling hits me and Cordelia's words sink in. I tried to kill people? Two of my closest friends? And I did kill people? This can't be happening. I kill vamps, that's it. Why would I ever hurt B? Sure she can be a pain in the ass sometimes but I love her. And mom, what about her? Mom remember? Didn't Joyce say that I could call her mom? Oh God, I think I'm going to be sick.

"Faith," Cordelia's voice penetrates my mind once again, and despite how
painful it is to hear it at the moment, at least it kept the contents of my stomach actually in my stomach.

"Did I really... did I..." I can't even form the words to ask. She has to be lying. It can't be true. I'd never hurt them! I love them. Sure I make a poor show of it sometimes but I do. "I would never... Not to you," I stop to look up in her eyes. I'm not sure of anything, but this is the one thing I am sure of right now. "I love you C. I'd never hurt you," My eyes plead with hers, begging her to believe me.

"You really don't remember it do you?" she questions hesitantly, and I shake my head in response.She lets out a long sigh, and I can tell she's debating something in her mind. By the time she finally comes out of her thoughts I realized that I'm not crying so hard anymore. I'm not nearly as sad as I am afraid. Afraid that everything I thought was reality for the last few months was nothing but a dream.

She walks over to me and kneels down in front of me, looking deeply into my eyes and through the few remaining tears I realize that her eyes aren't nearly as cold as they were before. There's more pity in them than anything. I never was one who wanted pity, or even help from others but what choice do I have? Apparently I know nothing about who I really am, and she's the only one who can provide the answers I'm missing. My life is literally in her hands at this moment.

Her hand tentatively reaches out to caress my cheek and I close my eyes,
attempting to show her that she's the one holding the power now. That I
meant what I said, and that I've already given myself to her, even if this isn't my Cordelia. When she pulls her hand away despite my willing I let out a small whimper of protest and I can tell by her eyes that she noticed it.
"Come inside, you need to get cleaned up and rest," she says before standing back up, hiding behind her bitch walls once more. A part of me is refusing to take her sympathy, but since I obviously don't even know who I am right now I haven't got much choice.

I stand on shaky legs and follow her into the house, the same house that
feels so familiar to me. "Have I... I've been here before right?" I ask
softly, probing for answers as I stand in her living room. She shoots me one of those 'as if' looks and I can't believe this is true. That I've never been in her house before.

"Don't you remember that time when we were kids, back when we used to hate each other. You were picking on me for something, probably the way I dressed or that I was white trash or something. And I got mad so I chased you home and pelted your house with water balloons. Or when you first got your car and you were rubbing it in my face that you had money when I was pretty much living on the streets, and so I stole your keys and carved my name into the paint just to piss you off. What about our first date? When we sat on your roof until you fell asleep in my arms. Our first kiss out there on the porch," I paused, straining every nerve in my body to keep from crying again as I continued, hoping beyond hope that she'd remember at least some of this. That I wasn't dreaming it all. That my entire life wasn't fake. "We made love upstairs in your bed. And I watched you all night as you sleep. That was the night that I told you I was falling in love with you. Please Cordelia, tell me you remember this. I'm not a killer. I'm in love with you. I love you."

I looked up at her, my eyes focused on hers and just watched as the emotions played over her face. They went from disbelief, betrayal and anger to confusion. Her jaw dropped slightly and she just stared at me, except this time her eyes were void of any emotion whatsoever. I didn't break her, did I? It's true isn't it? "Don't you remember how I called you doll?" I look back down, the tears falling once more. If this is reality, I want to go back to my dreams. "Don't you remember waking up in my arms? Don't you remember..that I gave my heart to you?"

She just shook her head at me, dumbstruck by all that I said and I could
feel someone taking a vice and squeezing my heart in it. I just fell to my knees, unsure of what, even how to feel at that moment. What did I do? What the fuck is going on?

I just stayed in my spot, unrelenting and began speaking again. It's not
like I had anything else to lose. "If I've never been in your house how
would I know about the window in your bathroom that we climbed out of to get onto your roof? Or how would I know that you keep a spare blanket in your closet? If I've never been in your house how can I tell you every fucking detail of it? I wasn't dreaming! You love me and I love you and we're supposed to be happy dammit!" I stop when I see her flinch, realizing that my yelling was most likely scaring Cordelia. Obviously she had no idea what I was even talking about.

"I'm sorry for whatever I did, but you have to believe me C. I don't
remember it. I just remember being in love with you."

She moved over to me slowly, dropping to her knees so we were at eye level and once again her hand found its way to my cheek. I closed my eyes just as I did the first time, reveling in her warmth but this time she didn't pull away.

"I don't know why, but I do believe you. At least that you don't remember
what you did. Even still, it doesn't mean I can just forgive you. It's not that easy, because you really did do all those things. I just know that the old Faith, whatever happened to her would've never been here like this in front of me. She would have never been able to swallow her pride and kneel in front of me to beg me to remember things. Not even if she was faking it. I honestly don't know what to do, but I do believe you. There really isn't any way that I couldn't. Why don't you stay here tonight, take a shower to get cleaned up and rest and we'll talk about it in the morning. You can tell me what you know, or what you believe to be reality and I'll tell you how things are, and we'll work them out okay?"

I nod slowly as her hand drops from my cheek to my hand, softly taking it in hers as she stands and pulls me up with her. I don't know why, but I have a feeling that in this reality, she's going to be the only one I can trust. I give her a questioning look, unsure of what I'm supposed to do. For some reason I don't feel very comfortable around her, not the way I would with the Cordelia that I remember. She leads me up the stairs, still loosely holding my hand in hers but I can't help but feel that the gesture isn't out of anything other than her being afraid that I'll run away at any second.

She walked to her room and finally let go of my hand so she could go sit on her bed. I stood awkwardly in the room, watching as her eyes roamed over my body. I still didn't have any clue what I looked like, but from the look in her eyes I figure it must be pretty damn bad. "You say you know your way around the house right?" she ventures and I nod my confirmation at her.
"Well why don't you go take a shower while I kinda... take all this in 'k? I guess, if you don't remember anything then this is probably a big shock to you, but it's just as big of one to me."

I nod and offer her a weak, and mostly fake smile before turning and heading towards her bathroom. This was all just starting to become too creepy to me. If what she says is true, how would I know my way around her house? Shaking my head I remind myself that this is just a dream. It's just a dream and I'll wake up in the morning and so it doesn't matter what I do now. Just go with it and I'll wake up and it'll give C and I something to laugh about in the morning.

Once I reach the bathroom the first thing I do is look at my reflection in the mirror. I've got a lot of cuts, bruises and scars covering my body. Why the hell can't I remember any of this? I fight the urge to slam my fist into the mirror before sucking in a deep breath. Dream Faith. IT'S A FUCKING DREAM! It is, isn't it?

Stepping into the shower I let the hot water beat down over my body, feeling the stinging as it hits my scar on my stomach. Fuck, this isn't a dream, is it? When in my life have I ever even dreamed? Obviously I dreamed that C and I were lovers. But what happened? Is she lying to me? Did I really kill people? Did B really do this to me? What did I do to her?

Swallowing hard and blocking out my thoughts I finish my shower before I
think anymore. It's clearly not going to get me anywhere. And it's pointless for now. If I'm still here in the morning when I wake up, then I'll know that it's time to face the truth. When I step out of the shower I realize that the last thing I want to do is put my dirty clothes back on. Wrapping the towel around my body I grab my clothes into my hands and make my way back to C's room.

"Umm, can I borrow some clothes C?" I ask, trying to get her to stop staring at the wall. I only get a grunt in response, and she looks at me standing in front of her in a towel and just shakes her head.

"I suppose you know where those are too?" she asks in her daze and I just
nod at her and make my way to her dresser to pull out some sweats and a
t-shirt and hold them up for her to see. "Which one of us is dreaming here? Because this is starting to make no sense to me," she whispers.

Awkwardly I pull the clothes on in front of her, realizing that her mind is probably so far away right now that she's not even noticing me. When I'm done changing I sit down on her bed next to her and let out a soft sigh. I think I'm in a dream, and she thinks she's in one. Just fucking peachy.