Disclaimers: Joss owns all the BTVS characters, not me. I make no claims to them. He rules.
Me: I own Discord, Elle, Lucy et al. Why do I always type "I won"?
Date Stamp: Miss K, aka kitty wrote this 23.12.01. Aren't I on a roll today?!
Dedications: To Miss X, aka God. Please don't die, or if you do, can you get someone to send me a bucket of snow?
 
Discord's POV
 
Slayers Do Christmas XXXIII - Always Expect The Unexpected
 
'Faith, say something?'
 
I watch as she pulls her smokes out of her pocket, lights one up, and sits down.
Then she stands up, points at me, opens her mouth as if to say something, then sits back down again.
 
'Should I make something float to prove who I am, Dizzy?'
 
'Elle, not the best time to do that, no. Faith, are you ok?'
 
'Ok, am I ok? She's God, like... God, not a God, but the God? I thought you were meant to be a dude?'
 
'Oh, just a bit of false info we leaked out to the press. Have to keep everyone on their toes, you know how it is. So, anyway, we all know now, excellent. Coffee anyone?'
 
'Elle!'
 
'Dis, this Lucy chick, don't fuckin' tell me what her names short for, I mean, don't tell me. Fuck, tell me, say it, make my Christmas!'
 
'Lucy? Yup, spelt L-U-C-I, short for Lucifer, the Devil. Good versus evil, eternal struggle, blah, blah.'
 
'Dizzy, you make it sound so cut and dried! She's not that bad, again, whole heap of misinformation!'
 
'Elle?!'
 
'I'll go get some coffee's then.'
 
She walks off, into the kitchen and I hear her muttering under her breath.
She's going to drive me mad!
 
'I can hear your thoughts, Dizzy!'
 
I KNOW!
I FUCKIN' WELL KNOW!
 
I sit down next to Faith and she hands me her smoke, lighting another off of it.
 
'Thanks, Faith. I didn't know how to tell you, sorry.'
 
'Yeah, no problem. Can we go over this again. That's God. Like, God who made everyone? God who's all powerful and shit? God whose son died to save us all?'
 
Elle shouts from the kitchen, making me jump.
 
'Misinformation, we wrote the Bible when we were stoned! I'll tell you about it later. You both take it black, right?'
 
'Yeah, thanks! Dis, man, if she's God, and Lucy is, like, the fuckin' Devil. Then what are you?'
 
Here it comes.
 
'Me? I'm an Angel.'
 
 
Lucy's POV
 
'Look at her, she's so tall and muscely. Go for it, thaw her out!'
 
Bee flips the switch and the capsule starts to glow read and then the front slides up.
 
'Destiny, doll, great to see you again. Hold off on the clawing, I have a job for you. Is that smile I see? Oh, they're your teeth, wow, they're big aren't they? All the better to eat you with, ok, that reference is totally over the top of your head. Bee? Fill her in will you, I'm going back to the office, I'm expecting a fax.'
 
I walk off and hear Bee trying to speak ancient Latin, it's so painful hearing her kill that language.
I push my door open and see Elle, sitting on my desk.
 
'Lucy. Did you speak to Buffy earlier on the phone?'
 
'Wait, til I get my shades, your eminences light is blinding me!'
 
I put them on, sit down in my chair, kick off my shoes, and put my feet next to her, on the desk.
 
'Rub my feet, babe, it's been such a hard day. Hmmm, harder, that's it. Buffy? I can not tell a lie, well I can, but I won't, yes it was me. Do I get a detention for being bad? Tell me I do, go on, Elle, be all domineering!'
 
She laughs and rubs the soles of my feet harder.
You have such a lovely touch, Elle.
I know you can hear me.
 
'I can, Luce. Don't stir things up between the Slayers, I mean it. They're in love, leave them alone. We'll still do the big fight for Dawn tonight, but stop playing with Faith and Buffy, for me?'
 
I put my fingers to my lips and drum them slightly.
Hmmm, leave them alone?
I could leave them alone, or I could kill one of them and make the other one live out her life, a broken, shell of a human.
 
'Owww! I'm kidding, I'll stop playing with them. You got a set of strong fingers on you there, who you been practicing on, hmm? Tell Luce, come on, spill. Who's been floating your boat lately, babe?'
 
'Lucy, do you have to be so crude?'
 
'Of course I do, I'm Lucifer, demonic force supreme, leader of the dark forces that wait until the day I set them free to... blah, blah, blah, I always forget the end of that speech. Who is it then, Elle, not Discord? She is a fine and prime example of an Angel, you been having a little wing feeling on the side, huh?'
 
'No it's not Dizzy! It's not anyone, I got bored with them all. I don't have time to date anymore, what with saving the world and trying to keep you in check!'
 
'I'm such a chore, aren't I, babe. I saved a butterfly the other day, Elle. Thought you'd like to know, just to help you get to sleep tonight, in that big, lonely bed of yours!'
 
'Oh I will sleep well, what about the village in Russia you crushed, hmm? Don't roll your eyes, it's wholly unattractive. So, do you have your Champion all ready for tonight?'
 
'We're not Knights of the round table, Elle. I have some nasty, mean and powerful woman, you know I'll take that "woman" back and substitute it for creature. I have a nasty, mean and powerful creature ready to do my bidding, yes. Is Discord ready?'
 
'She's always ready. You know she'll kill your "creature" don't you? She always does. Whatever you throw at her she tears into little pieces and sends back to you in a box, literally. She has a real quirky sense on humour, does that girl. Love her to bits!'
 
'Will you love her bits when you have to scrape them off the sidewalk? Just checking if we should send them back to you or hose them down the sewer.'
 
'Lucy, stopping trying to be all bad, I do know you. And also, was it you who put that rumour round Mexico that if you sleep on the right side of your body you go to Hell? I mean, if they knew how plush this place was I'm sure they wouldn't mind, but do you have to spread idle gossip?'
 
'Sorry, mom, you need to get laid, Elle, I can feel the tense vibes, shooting off of you. Do you want me to speak to Bee?'
 
'Bee's about eighteen years old, Luce, I do have standards!'
 
'Well you have my number, I'm always ready to revisit old territory, babe.'
 
'Less of the old, we're the same age! And I'm not that desperate.'
 
'Bet you will be in a few weeks time. Give me a ring, I'll take you out to dinner, Elle.'
 
'How people would laugh if they knew that this was the eternal struggle between God and Lucifer; trying to fend off advances! I'll see you later then. You promise not to touch the Slayers?'
 
'Elle, I've already said it. I won't touch Buffy or Faith, nor will that animal I have cagged up, ok? Stop getting your g-string in a knot.'
 
With that she vanishes.
You know, I should feel bad about all of this, but I didn't lie.
I'm not going to hurt Buffy or Faith.
 
I'll leave that up to my secret weapon.