Kitty's Pad - Slayers Do Total Recall

Disclaimers: Joss owns them, not me. He is fab and great. I'm not. All hail him!

Me: I own all Heaven and Hell creations in this fic. Please don't damn me.

Title & Lyrics: Dido owns 'Hunter' not me. I make no claims. Just got the cd, could you tell?

Full stops: Yes they are all in the correct places. It's all in the pauses and timing.

//So let me go

//Let me Leave

//For the crown you've placed upon my head, feels too heavy now

//And I don't know what to say to you, but I smile anyhow

//All the time I'm thinking

//Thinking

//I want to be a hunter again.

Buffy's POV

Slayers Do Total Recall XVII - I Want To Be A Hunter Again

My eyes fly open at the movement next to me.

Faith?!

She's sat up, clutching her chest, drenched in sweat.

'Faith? It's ok.'

I reach out for her, but stop, because I don't know if I should be touching her.

'No it's not, stop saying it is.'

A whisper, but it cuts through me, slowly.

She pushes the covers off and goes to the bathroom, not switching the light on, even in there.

And I don't know, should I go after her?

Should I leave her?

I don't know what I should be doing, no-one's ever told me what to do with something like this!

And then Elle's words come back to me.

"Never doubt the power of true love, it can even bring the damned back from Hell."

So I get up, and my legs are all slow, every part of me is nervy.

As I get into the bathroom, I see her; on the floor, against the wall, hugging her knees.

It looks weird, because the moonlight's coming through the window, and's sort of covering everything.

If this had been a week ago, it'd look beautiful.

But it doesn't.

It looks surreal.

'You can talk to me if you want, about... anything, you know that, right?'

'Leave me alone, please.'

And it's so soft, she says it so softly, that I want to scream.

'No. I'm not going to leave you.'

And the silence, the moonlight, her on the floor, looking so small and scared; I feel my tears again.

Do something, Buffy, do something, anything!

So, I move over to the sink and run a flannel under the cold tap, wringing it out so hard,I feel it start to rip.

Then I bend down and wipe her forehead, carefully, and for a few seconds, she lets me, before pushing me away, roughly.

'Don't. Touch. Me. Leave me alone, I'll be ok, just leave me alone for a bit.'

I don't want to leave her, in case... in case she does something stupid, something silly.

She looks up at me, like she's not there, all empty eyes, going through me.

So I do what she wants.

I leave her, alone.

Faith's POV

See, I should've left, gone. I could have forgotten, like I did before. It would've been ok, if I'd left. She made me stay. She made me stay and now... now it's all here again! And I can't get it out of my head, it won't leave me alone. I just want it to leave me alone! I need to get out of here. I'll be cool again, I need to get out of here.

Get up off the floor!

Fucking sitting here, like you're scared.

You're not scared, your Faith, and Faith doesn't get scared.

I, I don't get scared.

I look at myself in the mirror.

This isn't me, not really.

I feel like I'm in someone else's body, someone else's skin.

I need to get out of here, now!

As I get back in the bedroom I see her, sitting in the bed, leaning on the wall.

And I can't move, I don't know why, but I can't fuckin' move!

FAITH!?

'What time is it?'

She looks up, shocked that I'm asking it, like, it's a normal thing to ask, why wouldn't I be?

'Um, a little after five.'

'There's a bus to LA in an hour, I'm on it.'

I start getting dressed, but my fingers are shaking as I do the buttons of my shirt up; fuck.

I pull it off and throw a sweater on.

Yeah, not Faith, but I don't have time for this shit!

'Faith, I...?'

I swing round at my name, and I can feel my temper starting, bubbling up.

Don't blow up, Faith, just keep things cool.

But things aren't cool, it's all slipping, and I can't stop it.

'What? What? Tell me, what?!'

'I don't know what... what to do to. Help you. I don't know what I'm meant to be doing to help you.'

She's only crying 'cause...

Don't let her get to you!

Get your stuff and get out.

Come on; get your stuff and get out!

But I'm screaming again; it's not her fault, but I can't stop.

'Help me? Why would you want help me? Jeez Summers, get it through your head. Someone like you can't help someone like me. We're different, see, not meant to be. Took me a while to realise, but I'm with it now. I'm going. Stay here if you want, 'til it gets light, but I'm gone.'

Then I start laughing, but it's not funny, none of it is, but my mouth's saying shit that I can't stop.

She's crying for real now, like, sobbing, but I can't stop.

'This is it, see, get some and get gone. That's me, Faith. You... you fucked me up for a bit, tried to. Change me. But you can't. You can't change me, I'm Faith, no-one changes me! No-one!'

I'm dressed now, so I can go, right?

I can go now.

Right?

I can go?

But the old me's not stopped, it hasn't even started.

And I'm losing it, like, big time losing it. Everything in my head starts freaking, and it's all going so fast, like a tape on fast forward. My hearts hammering, and I'm sweating, covered in it, and I know I'm slipping, and no-one's helping me. I scream, from no where, 'cause I can't stop it, my fists clench, my nails digging into my palms, blood starts dripping down and I'm still screaming, clutching my head, 'cause it's all going round too fast and I can't stop it. I can't stop it! I feel myself pick the chair up, and it smashes against the wall. Then everything off the top of the dresser goes, scattering, breaking, spilling, and I can't stop! It's all in my head and I need it out! The mirror cracks as my elbow connects. The closet doors break under my fists. It's all going wrong, it's not meant to be happening like this! All my clothes, over the floor, ripped. My cd's, falling, the cases cracking under my feet. My books, ripped, torn up, like me. Then there's nothing left to break. Nothing except...

... her.