Disclaimers: Joss owns all the BTVS characters contained in this series.
Me: I own all other characters.
Title: Comes from the poem 'Bitter Moon' by Miss X, aka God. I didn't ask her for permission because she is in snow Hell. Forgive me.
Dedications: To Gianni and Twinkle. Forever and always.
 

Discord's POV

Slayers Do Total Recall IV - I Only Exist In Her Reflection

I light another smoke up, from the end of the one I've almost finished.
That's the thing with being dead, stuff like chain smoking doesn't matter.
Yeah, may mean you have to get industrial strength air con for your house, but still, the company pays for all that.
I should go in and check on Faith, give Buffy a break.
She's been in there hours, not leaving her side.
I went in earlier and she looked at me, and it made me leave.
I could see it in her eyes, she blamed me for all this, I could see it in her eyes.
 
Then a flash and I feel my temper start, even though she hasn't even had time to say anything to me.
 
'What do you want, Elle?'
 
I hear her take a deep breath, and feel the sofa move, as she sits next to me.
 
'I wanted to check on you, Dizzy. Are you ok?'
 
Am I ok?
Shit, man.
 
'That has to be the most stupid fucking question I've ever heard. You can be thick sometimes, Elle. Bet you're raising your eyebrows at me, I don't even need to look at you to see it, you're too predictable. Discord, the lowly Angel, talking like that to God, how dare she! Yeah, well she dares, because what you gonna do about it? Sack me? Go on then. Send me to Hell? Lot more honest down there. At least with Lucy you get what you see, she doesn't hide behind a pretence of love and goodness.'
 
'Dizzy, enough! I know you hurt because of Faith...'
 
'Hurt? You know I hurt? Do you, I mean, do you? You didn't have to see her, Elle. You didn't have to hear her screaming while you tried to hold on to her. You didn't see her face when she stopped screaming, when she stopped thrashing about and was all still. She was all still, and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't help her. An Angel and I didn't know what to do. All I'm good for is killing, not for saving, not for helping. This isn't Heaven, Elle, this is Hell! An Angel of Vengeance, who's job is to kill and destroy, to take lives. Hiding behind a pair of borrowed wings and doing it all in the name of love and goodness! This is my eternal sentence, to be in Heaven but be drenched in blood, and I can feel it, dripping off me!'
 
'You kill those who chose to harm, to stop them from inflicting more pain and death.'
 
Her arm goes round my shoulder, holding me, pulling me into her, gently.
 
'But you don't see how scared they are when I come for them, when I reign down justice. They're like children, their eyes, so frightened. Even though I know what they've done, it doesn't make it easier to kill them. Sometimes they beg and beg me not to hurt them. Down on their knees, praying to you, thinking that a paragraph of empty words will save them from damnation, from the suffering I know they'll receive in Lucy's holding pens.'
 
'The judged must serve their sentence, Dizzy. Would you rather they didn't?'
 
'No... I... I don't know what to do anymore.'
 
And I don't.
She rests her head on my shoulder and rubs my neck with her fingers, relaxing me.
 
'You'll be ok, so will Faith. Sometimes you need to have a bit of it, you know; faith. A little goes a long way.'
 
'I know, I'm, I'm sorry.'
 
'Shhh, it's ok. It's going to be ok, you need to trust me, after all, I am God.'
 
Buffy's POV
 
'Do you want another drink, or something to eat, or... should I just be quiet?'
 
I watch her, her head resting on the glass of the window, as she stares out into the park behind her building.
 
'No.'
 
'No to the drink, food or me being quiet? Faith, what happened, can you tell me what happened?'
 
She blows out, onto the glass, making a little patch all misty, then slowly wipes it away.
Maybe I should leave her alone, so she can, think or...
I'm not helping, I mean, I don't know what to do to help her.
 
'Faith, do you want me to leave you alone for a bit, you know, if I'm annoying you?'
 
She turns round looks at me, really looks at me, not through me, like she was doing earlier, but at me.
I have to stop myself from crying at the look in her eyes, like there's this war raging behind them.
 
'Do you want to leave me?'
 
'No! I thought, maybe if you wanted some time alone, to... think, or something, that I'd wait outside with Dis.'
 
'Don't go. I can't... I can't think, everytime I try... nothing's working, it's all. Stuck. Everything's stuck, in my head.'
 
I walk up to her, slowly, carefully, so I don't scare her.
Her eyes soften as she lifts her hand up and touches my neck, leaving her hand there, not moving.
Then she starts crying again, no noise, just tears.
And I don't know what to do.
I want to hold her tight and tell her; it's ok, everything's ok, because I'm here and I'm going to protect you, forever and ever, I can, I'm Buffy and I'm a Slayer, and I'm strong, so don't cry.
But she pushed me off last time, not wanting me to touch her.
But I have to do something, I can't stand here and watch her crying.
She never used to cry, not 'til she was with me, or maybe I never saw it.
Maybe she hid it, I don't know.
 
I move my hand up to hers, never taking my eyes off of hers, and put it on hers, pressing it gently into my neck.
And she doesn't move, or freak, or flinch like she did before.
She smiles, a little, but still, it's a smile, and I swear, a bit of it reaches her eyes, just a tiny bit, but still a bit.
 
'I can feel your heart beat. I knew you were real. That you weren't a trick.'
 
'I'm here, real, you can feel me, see, real, Buffy. I'm not a trick, I'm here, Faith, and I'm not leaving, ok?'
 
'I need to lie down, my heads going fuzzy.'
 
I watch as she starts to pale and I help her over to the bed, where she moves over to the corner, with her back against the wall.
Then she slowly curls up, on top of the throws.
She looks like a cat.
I start to go over to the chair, so I can sit next to the bed, to make sure she's ok.
 
'Where are you going?'
 
'I'm going to get a chair, it's only over there. I'll sit down and stay with you, yeah?'
 
'No.'
 
'You want me to go?'
 
'No. Everything's fuzzy. I meant no to the chair. Can you lie on the bed with me, like, on that bit?'
 
She moves her hand far away, right on the other side, to where she normally sleeps.
So I do; I lie down on my side, and try to stop myself from crying.
It won't help if you get all weepy, Buffy, you might make her feel worse.
So, no to weepy, crying, and yes to slow moving, careful, do as Faith asks.
 
Then she does something that I don't expect.
She moves her hand over to the middle of the bed, so it stops inches away from mine, and looks up at me.
And I know what she wants, because I know Faith; my Faith.
I move my fingertips so they barely touch hers and she smiles, again, small and hardly there, but I can see it.
 
Then with a deep breath her eyes close, and at the same time her hand moves that last tiny bit of space and her fingers lay on mine.
 
And that's how I spend the next few hours, watching and waiting, because I know the night's not going to be easy.