Disclaimers: Joss owns them not me. I make no claims to the lovely BTVS people.
Me: I do however own Everyone else. Any likeness to other famous people is *cough* coincidental.
Title: ABBA own 'I Have A Dream'. I feel like I should be holding a lighter up in the air to this, swaying.
Dedications: To all my Swedish readers, you are fab. You gave us ABBA and, um, meatballs!
 
//I have a dream, a fantasy
//To help me through reality
//And my destination makes it worth the while
//Pushing through the darkness still another mile
//I believe in angels
 

Buffy's POV

Slayers Do Total Recall IX - I Have A Dream, A Fantasy, To Help Me Through Reality
 
So the whole plan thing isn't working.
It was meant to pull her out of being all; normal.
Not make her lusty!
 
She pushes her mouth onto mine and it doesn't feel right.
This isn't how Faith kisses me.
Why is she kissing me like this?
 
This is going all wrong.
I feel her hands on my shirt, undoing the buttons.
And I don't know what to do!
I started this; but I did it because. I cared and wanted to... oh, cold hands on my, um...
 
I want to push her off because she's not my Faith.
But I don't, because... it still looks like her, I mean, it still is her.
I don't think we should be doing this, I didn't want it to go this far.
It's still her.
See; same eyes, same mouth, same hair.
But I know it's not.
Not really.
She's here, but not.
 
I feel her hands on me, roughly moving over my skin.
Her lips on mine, her tongue in my mouth.
Her thigh slips in-between mine and she grinds, pushing into me, my body responding to her.
I kiss her neck as she pushes her thigh harder, increasing her movements.
No, Buffy, don't be kissing her neck!
She growls, and her hand goes to my jaw, moving my head so she can kiss me.
Damn!
I try to push her off, but she holds my hands, not hurting me, just holding them still.
I look into her eyes.
 

Empty.

'Faith?'
 
'Don't talk.'
 
She kisses me again, but this isn't how we kiss!
It's all, I mean, it's ok, but it's all...
It's kissing because you have to.
I push her back off me, until we have a few inches of space between us.
See; her eyes, she's not in there.
 
'Faith. Maybe we shouldn't be doing this.'
 
'Why not? This is what you wanted, yeah?'
 
'Well, sort of, I mean, I don't not want it. Just... you're acting weird. You're not you.'
 
She stares at me, and swallows, all confused for a second, but then she drops that look and she's back to how she was before.
 
'This is what you want from me, right? Come on then.'
 
She tries to pull me to the bed, but I stop her and we stand, still, in the middle of the room.
 
'It's not what I want from you. I want you to be ok, and I don't think you are.'
 
'You started this. What, you a tease?'
 
And I know I shouldn't, but I get all angry, because I'm not a tease!
Don't say anything, calm down and don't say anything bad to her.
Not that it is her, not really.
 
'Faith, why did you hit Dis?'
 
'What?'
 
She looks at me like I'm talking crap, and I don't think it's an act, not really.
I think deep down inside she knows, but, she's going all 'bad ass' Faith again.
"Nothing hurts me 'cause I'm tough, I'm hard and not afraid."
Except she is afraid, I know she is.
 
'Why did you burn your arms?'
 
She takes a step back, looking at something but nothing.
 
'I didn't burn my arms, the... water was too hot. It was an accident.'
 
'You were in the shower with all your clothes on. Why did you hit Dis?'
 
She starts backing up more now, slowly, and she's shaking, her face goes all frowny, and I know she's scared.
And I want to help her, but I know I have to hurt her first, by making her tell me what happened.
 
'I... she started it, she... I think she hit me first, no, she did, she... '
 
'Why did you freak out and say you were going to kill me, last night?'
 
'I wasn't... because I thought you were him, that he was trying to trick me, that you weren't real. But, I... I'm Faith, and I'm strong now, B, I'm strong.'
 
As she says my name it makes me realise it's the first time in hours she's done that.
 
'You are strong, Faith. You're a Slayer. No one can hurt you now.'
 
She nods as I walk over to her and take her hand, sitting her down on the bed.
 
'I'm stronger now.'
 
'What did he do to you?'
 
And it didn't click 'til now, not really, but she keeps saying he, and I think I figured it out.
I'm not stupid, well not that stupid, maybe slow, but...
Just, you know when you think you know something, but you'd give anything for it not to be true.
Anything.
If I didn't know what God was really like, I'd be praying right now, praying that what I think happened, didn't.
I pull her back, onto the bed, gently, so we're on our sides, looking at each other.
 
'What did he do to you, Faith?'
 
She opens her mouth, but shuts it and grits her teeth.
I know there's this big battle going on inside her.
I don't want to push her, but I think I have to.
It's going to make her sad and cry, but she has to say it, maybe not right now, but she has to soon, because if she doesn't then she'll never be free.
It'll always eat her up.
 
'Do you want me to tell you what I think he did to you?'
 
It's like she's trapped, inside her own memories.
She looks at me, and she's only just stopping herself from crying again.
I don't want her to start crying, but I don't think there's any other way.
I can feel tears start to burn in my eyes, at what happens if I'm right.
But I have to say it.
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out, it's like the word's stuck.
So I take a deep breath and try again, and I don't want to say it, I don't, but...
 
'I think you were raped.'
 
As the words leave my mouth I watch her curl up into a ball, her hands wrapping round herself.
Then my tears start; for what happened to her then, and what's still happening to her, because of it.
I stroke her hair as she cries, sobbing, curling up tighter.
I gently put my arms round her, really slowly, pulling her into me.
 
And she lets me.