Feelings
I know most everyone is tired of hearing about how lousy I feel. To tell the
truth, I am tired of feeling that way. I look for someone I could trust to help
me ease my burden, and no one seems to want to be bothered. I go to my favorite
channel, a channel I was the original founder and i break into a cold sweat. I
know in my heart someone in there is out to destroy me. I can't make people
understand just how scared I am. I know part of it is my imagination, but part
of it is not. Someone I know says they are just names on a screen, but I
disagree. They are people just like I am a person. How many more people have to
hurt me? Haven't I been hurt enough.
The other day I was talking to a Dom I really like. I sent him most of my
pictures because he asked. The very next day he comes into channel and has a new
slave. I wish him and her the best, but it would have been nice if I had been
warned. I really thought at the least this man was my friend. I have gone Domme
online now, trying to protect myself, but it doesn't take the pain I feel away.
I feel more alone now than I have have. I wonder if there is anyone out there at
all that I can trust. I pray there is somewhere.
I have moved down to bondage.com. The garden there is small and slow, but hopefully will grow. At least I know I am safe there. I still long to be able to talk to SPh but that will never happen again. He is gone. He is with God. He is the lucky one.
My psychiatrist is fixing to retire. I don't know what I am going to do. As He said the the last time I saw Him I am hard to treat. We think we get the medicine right then all of the sudden I hit rock bottom again. Who is out there that I can trust and lean on? Is there such a person? If so, please find me.
It has been along time since I have bothered to take the time to write down my thoughts and feelings. I am scared. Who do I turn to? Who can I trust? Today is Jan 8, 2002. I long to be able to love and trust someone but what if I find the one I can trust? Everyone I love leaves me or dies. I can't take anymore letdowns. I need to talk to SPh. I need his reassurance everything will be all right. Is it to much to ask to feel safe and wanted and loved? Or is that for everyone but me? Am I always destined to be the third wheel and never part of the group? Will anyone see the love I have to give and be happy with it. I pray to the Lord that there is someone out there for someone such as me. Please pray for me too.
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