As I became older I did not develop any interest in competitive sports and really disliked groups such as cubs and scouts. It was not long before I knew about homosexuality and I remember wondering about myself in that regard. However I quickly realized that I was far too interested in girls and stopped wondering. Still I was drawn to things feminine. My older brother used to look at the then Simpson's catalogue to look at the attractive models. I did the same but was even more interested in the clothes and dreamed about wearing them. I had no sisters and hence no access to such clothes, but, when I felt it was safe I would try on my mother's clothes. Fortunately I was never caught! Interestingly this activity was not particularly erotic, but was experienced as sensual and comfortable. I spent many an hour dreaming about being a girl and fantasizing abut taking a pill and turning into one. (This was before there was any common knowledge about hormones as there is today.)

I cannot say that my gender issues were as overwhelming as with some people I know, but the feelings were persistent and were never absent for long. While there was no understanding of these feelings, it was obvious to me that it would be unwise to talk to anyone about them. Tansgender/transexuality was not understood at the time nor was there any language to discuss what I was experiencing. Looking back at those years I do know that much time and energy was used unproductively.

It would be almost twenty years later that the "Christine Jorgenson" story sent a tremor through society. By this time I was very happily married to a wonderful woman and I thought all my gender issues would go away. Not true! The same pressures soon reappeared. My wife and I were a couple for five years while we finished our education. One of the strengths of our relationship is that we communicated well and shared our feelings easily. That helped give me confidence to introduce the subject of my interest in things feminine. We talked abut the rigid social requirements of male/female dress codes. It was not long before during private times I would relax wearing a skirt or a dress which my wife made for me. It was our little joke that when we came home and got ‘comfortable' she would put on slacks and I a skirt. It seemed a very little thing.

When I was in my teens I fell and injured my lower back. There was no great lasting effects except that I could no longer skate and I would experience some lower back pain. My wife (a registered nurse) suggested that wearing men's shoes with flat heels may not be good for me. She suggested I get a pair of shoes with modest heels. I did, and if I wear ‘heels' for a percentage of the time my back no longer bothers me. Life continued on and I acquired a small wardrobe of comfortable, ie. feminine, clothes. Life improved for me, and therefore us, when in my early 30's I changed my occupation from the engineering field to one of the helping professions where I spent time helping and nurturing people. I also very much enjoy cooking and time in the kitchen. In my new occupation and with the freedom, at least in private, to present in a more feminine manner, life continued very happily. The most important part of my life were, and are, my wife and our two children.

During all of this time the question "Why?" was frequently in the back of my mind. I felt that I was probably the only man in the world who found that being involved with things feminine and wearing feminine clothes felt both natural and comfortable.

My early work experience starting in the 50's involved both design and maintenance of computers. When PCs were introduced in the early 80's I quickly acquired one as a business tool. However it was some time before I became interested in the ‘net'. In time I did get connected and went on line. Like many others I discovered the value of email and the use of the net for research. It was not long before I used a search engine to look up ‘cross-dressing' and soon after that I discovered the term "Transgender". Suddenly I understood the answer to the question "Why?". Gender is not a simple dualism. It is much more complex and my need, (more than a desire), to express the full extent of my personality makes sense of my life experience.

I now spend considerable time expressing my feminine side. Kaitlin has a small but select wardrobe that is slowly taking over my closet space. Transgender is a complicating factor in our lives. We do not feel it wise to make a fully public statement of the existence of Kaitlin. The price to be paid, we think, is just too high. Perhaps, in time, that will change. Perhaps the reality of Kaitlin will happen without our consent. In that case we will deal with what happens.

In the mean time My wife and I, on occasion, holiday as friends. It is an added dimension to our lives and we greatly enjoy those times. Yes it did take some time to learn to relax out in public. One thing that we have learned is that we can have a lot of fun and our sense of humour will carry us through a lot of tense situations. Life is to be lived with purpose and also to be enjoyed. The transgender experience does not change that.