|
It seems to me that among the core differences between the feminine and masculine ways of life is that the masculine tends to deal with objects and the feminine with subjects. This is, of course a generalization and is therefore subject to the problems with all generalizations. However perhaps an example will help. It has been a common experience of mine to hear men refer to their wives as "the wife". To me, at least, this tends to objectify the woman referred to. I will naturally refer to "the house", "the car" or perhaps "the dog". These are all possessions and it is quite proper to think of them as possessions, objects. However the essence of the terms husband and wife is found in relationship. The relationship is subject to subject. My wife is an essential part of my life. For me to refer to her as "the wife" would be to objectify and dehumanize her. For that reason I find the term "the wife" offensive. I can't remember a woman referring to "the husband".
A second difference, again in my opinion, is the masculine tendency to define things by activity. That is if you ask for information about a man the answer is most likely to be in the form "He is a lawyer, or carpenter." It is more likely, when asking about a woman to receive an answer such as "She is a caring person.". For the feminine person "being" is basic and doing is derivative from being. For the male it is "This is what I do". for the woman it is "This is who I am and therefore this is what I do."
If this can be accepted then it can be seen that it is unhelpful (at least in conversation with feminine persons) to describe ourselves, or anyone else as a "cross dresser". True this may well be what we do but it says nothing about motivation, why we do it. If we are simply trying to get approval of what appears to be the bizarre then this is all right, however we need to understand that we are asking for something that, in my opinion, is next to impossible. We need to start with the personal, talking about the feminine quality of our personality. Then talk about the need to express that reality.
In the process of coming out we need to realize that the first person we come out to is ourselves. In order to accept ourselves we need to understand why we are driven to this activity. We begin by realizing the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity. We may well be heterosexual in our orientation, but this does not require a congruent gender identity. As to our gender we are to some varying degree feminine. As we come to accept ourselves as, at least in part, feminine we will recognize and affirm our feminine qualities. In general we are less aggressive. We are more sensitive. In sexual activity we are less interested in conquest and more interested in mutual sharing and intimacy.
Next we need to accept that as feminine persons we need to give expression to our true selves. One of the primary ways of expressing ourselves is in our manner of dressing. Whether we are in a casual or formal frame of mind we will dress accordingly. If we feel masculine we will present that way if we feel feminine we will dress accordingly. This, of course assumes we have permission to dress according to our sense of self. Unfortunately this is often not the case. Society has not reached the level of understanding which will allow this to be the case. This is why "Coming out" is an issue.
Following from above we must first receive permission from ourselves. Until this happens we will not be able to present in other than strictly defined manner without fear and guilt. Once we fully accept that gender actually represents a continuum and is not an 'either/or' reality, we can understand ourselves as simply an expression of the vast diversity of creation. Diversity and complexity, not simplicity, is the true nature of the world. The acceptance of this changes lives.
Once we come to terms with these realities in our own lives , then it is time to include others who hopefully will be able to happily relate to our true selves. In my opinion the first person to share ourselves with is our significant other, partner, wife as the case may be. The process followed with ourselves should be the pattern for coming out to others with whom we are intimate. Just as it may well have taken considerable time to come out to ourselves, so it should take as long as it needs to come out to our spouse. I do not believe that there is any one time table or process that has universal effectiveness. The process needs to be shaped to the individuals involved.
There is no guarantee of a happy ending of this process with one's wife. In part it will depend on the relationship that already exists. This is why I mentioned the designation of "the wife". If that or other terms truly do indicate the type of relationship, perhaps some work needs to be done with the relationship before the process of "coming out" takes place.
Having said the above I have some suggestions for consideration. The order is not significant.
Give some thought as to the personality characteristics that brought you together in your relationship. To what extent could they be described as feminine. Share the recent discoveries relating to gender. That gender is not bi-polar, either/or, but a continuum. Talk about the possibility of the feminine man or the masculine woman; that no person is fully male or female. There should be freedom for everyone to express their own sense of self. Recognize how we have all been conditioned by society to observe very narrow limits for our self expression. Observe also that in the last 30 - 40 years these limits have been relaxed somewhat for women in our society. It is time to remove the limits for everyone. Recognize that this process of "coming out" will be a challenge that will not be easy. The transgendered life needs to be managed with sensitivity. It cannot be rushed beyond the personal limits of the persons involved. Be assured that as the fact of being transgendered is accepted (little by little) the resulting honesty of the relationship will result in a deeper and more meaningful one. Life will be more enjoyable. It can be a lot of fun as well as plain hard work. When both are comfortable, decide who else should be trusted with this very personal truth. Realize that to be successful much of the same process should be followed. In a perfect world everyone could be told by simple announcement. We do not live in a perfect world. When deciding to "come out" to a person ask yourself; "Why do I need this person to know about this". If no good reason comes to mind, don't tell. Remember, once a person is told it cannot be un-told. Also you have no real control over what that person will do with the information. - All persons should have the right to be honest with themselves and others, to live a life of integrity.
One other thought. It seems to me that every person, whether it is recognized or not, has a deep seated need for integrity. To be honest with our self and with those around us. If this is not the case it is a cause of stress. I believe that, that stress can reach the point where it can cause real anguish. It is my opinion that this is at least part of what drives the transgendered person to dress, present, according to their felt gender identity. Transgender people do not dress just for the fun of it. The clothes are not the real issue. The clothes are just the apparent issue.
|
