영주 작문

원문

문장 출발 자연스럽고 중간 부분 아주좋은 내용 마지막이 Thesis 로 보이는데 흠잡을데 전혀 없는 구성임. (항상 위의 세문장 출발 가장 중요)

In the field of science and technology, significant discoveries are so frequently made. In the 20th century, one of the innovative inventions is the internet. Its striking development is unbelievable and it became one of the necessities in one's life. But that is difficult for old people keep up with those changes and technology. Therefore, young are able to share new discoveries and knowledge with the old generation.

Nowadays, the opinion of young generation is significant. As time goes, their power has become stronger, they mainly lead this society. Many values and ideas in society are prone to change; young people can introduce such changes to society and help the olders to adjust to them. For instance, most big companies broke down the classes in teamwork and introduce piece rates. Moreover, anyone, even youngest person, can be the leader if he is outstanding and ambitious. According to one's ability, anyone gives full play to one's ability so that even old chief learn from recruits.

Real ability will win in the long run. In this competitive world, only versatile people can survive so everyone should cultivate and give full play to one's ability. Also old people, should not feel shame to learn from young people. On the other hand, it is a matter of course. In the future, Indeed, young people have a lot to offer to old people in terms of new tech and social changes. Old generations will appreciate the knowledge that the younger ones have to share.

*The speed / its speed = will be better
Problem in the middle sentence.
Due to its great speed, some people, especially old people face difficulty catching up its great speed except most young people easily adapting to new things.

*everyone’s life

*Can’t get why U wrote this way for simple line.
* be prone to = liable = 하기쉽긴한데(주로 부정적인 경우 사용=조심) - 무엇을 저지르기 쉽다 할 때 ..
*the elderly = 중장년층
=>guess & understand but - awkward

people, = why comma
indeed – lower case letter

수정본

   The world has been developed in revolutionary speed, and the even more cutting edge technology is yet to keep coming in flash ever. In the meantime lately, some people, especially the elderly, already have been facing difficulty catching up its momentum except most young people easily adapting and savvy to new things. Certainly in this perspective, the old generations have a lot to learn from young generations unless they do not need to use it or unless otherwise.

   In the field of science and technology, significant discoveries are so frequently made. The striking development of Internet, one of the innovative inventions in the 20th century, for example, is unbelievable, and it became one of the necessities in everyone's life. But that is difficult for old people to keep up with those changes in hard/soft-ware technology. Therefore, youths nowadays are inevitably used to helping and sharing their knowledge or discoveries with the old generations at their households and work places

   The opinion of young generation is becoming ever more significant in the modern tech industry because of their advanced knowledge, and their role in society is getting bigger as their voice power become stronger. Many rules, values, and ideas in society are opting for this change to join the majority flow. Eventually this change lets those young people introduce such changes to society and help the elderly adjust to this change.

   Breaking down the old ranking system in big companies in current flow shows another good example of modern capitalism based purely on skill, talent, or ability regardless of age, sex, and so on. Thus, youngest person can now become the leader if he is outstanding and ambitious and has the ability. I think this definitely is encouraging the youths and vise versa for the elderly generating both parties’cooperation and even more development.

   So far, it has been already happened and become inevitable. Today's young people have a lot to offer to old people in terms of new tech and social changes. Old generations will appreciate the knowledge that the younger ones have to share. (여기 까지만 도 충분 할 것 같군)=  계속 이어짐  =  같은문단

In this competitive world, the people with versatile ability can survive but others will not, we need to cultivate and practice the best of our ability. Also old people should not feel ashamed to learn and ask young people so as not to be left behind.  

 Intro---good
General…
Thesis (꽝 강한 주장/생각 한말씀-Good)
 
 

excemples of what u r thinking ..
mentioning of general statements...
making strong supporting opinion - good  
 

 

again with another words...
General statements…
Opinion like & fact like ----good
 

With Another words & excemples of  Opinion like & fact like ---- again ---good
General…..OK
Like third party opinion or expression, which is in turn looks very fair, although U r in one's side is really excellent.

Last strong point again.....general..................closing statement is also good. 

May or may not be deleted but the statements are fine enough to attach & continue to close ....