We’re nearing the end here, and I look forward to the return. I noticed a singed place on my shirt, and I wondered where it came from, but then I realized that it had been me all along. You’d think I’d have learned by now. It’s always me. I’m always lurking behind the shadows somewhere. Sometimes I’m not even hiding, I’m right out there in the open, but I still can’t see myself, I don’t know how that works, but then there are very few things that I do know how they work. In fact, I can’ think of any right now. I went walking in the woods today and got lost for a while. I always get lost for a while. It seems I have a great many habits that I am at least partially unaware of. I am always noticing these things when looking back. Looking back can be hard, but it is never anywhere as near as hard as looking forward. Looking forward is probably the closest thing to impossible that there is. Since I always wonder where I’m going, I rarely know where I am until I’m somewhere else. That’s not true at all. I wish, sometimes, that I had lived in the past. I realize that there are those who, in the future, will wish that they had lived now, which will be the past to them, of course. There are things that you can change in the present that change the whole past. I have that power. But I won’t use it. Maybe I can’t use it. Then I wouldn’t have the power, of course. But I do. The things that can be changed are the things that don’t matter, though. So why bother. Maybe for the same reasons as I bother to do anything else. Because of my love/hate for everything. Don’t stop. Whatever you do, don’t fucking stop. Don’t stop fucking. What now, well, besides more fucking, I can’t know. I do know. I feel like I know everything, I just don’t exactly know that I know it. The only things worthwhile are the things that change you. Only the important things can change you, and only important things can ever be changed. Only change is alive. Only life can change. Only this moment, this very moment will last forever in a constant state of flux. Only I am constant, and only I am constantly changing. Right now is all that there is. Spatio-temporality defines everything, and the only good entertainment breaks free of space and time somehow. But don’t stop. Don’t stop changing. Hell is change. Sex is change. Death is change. Life is change. Laughter is change. Eating is change. Starving is change. Change is all that makes me happy. I hate change. I miss my cat, Tiger. I miss my last relationship. Funny how relationship is such a charged word. I have many relationships, but I miss that one. I can’t imagine ever having another one, but I miss having one. It is impossible not to think at least two contradictory thoughts at once. Everything I have written, everything I say, is a contradiction. My life is a contradiction, the universe is a contradiction. There is a certain harmony to it, though, and that is what I see when I see a contradiction. That is what other people can’t see, and without it, contradictions are unpleasant to them. They are afraid, as am I. But I am comfortable in my fear. I miss the past. There are so many good memories, I loved those moments, and I love them even more now that they are gone. I miss the past, though I love the future. I love love. I can’t say anymore without crying, but this make me happy. This makes me happy. I am happy. Why do I miss the past. I am in the past, all I have to do is wait a second, and oops, there’s the past again. I was just there a second ago. But I hate the past. I hate it that I am there and I will never be there again. What do I know? A lot about being me, not much about anything else. Well, that’s not so true. Not so true.