I find that I am thinking about my new friend Alan quite a bit lately.  I care about him and hope he has a great Christmas.  He's thinking about going to spend some time with his Ex Fiance, they are still friends.  I definately want him to do something because noone should be alone for Christmas.  I'm lucky, I have my parents and sisters and niece and nephews, we're a little dysfunctional, but we all care about each other.  Alan has no family to speak of, and if he doesn't get together with friends, he will be alone .  That would completely suck.  I almost wish I weren't going home so I could have Christmas with him, but my plans are set, I admit that I have missed my family and want to see them, and Alan and I aren't officially boyfriend/girlfriend so I will keep my plans to go home.  I wish there was something I could do to make his holiday special, but I'm not sure what. . .

I go to dinner at Adam's tonight, am going to bring Ryan with me so he can play with Robert.  Adam is a great "Adopt-A-Brother", he's always looking out for me.  I appreciate that stuff.

I am anxious about flying home, not so much because I have to be on a plane, more so because of the 3 plane changes I have to make. . .  I'm scared I will miss a flight and completely screw myself.  But I've always done well in the past, so I think it will be ok, but I always have that fear in my mind.  It's really not such a big deal, I would find a way home even if I had to call my family, but it still bugs me.

The big thing that gets my goat about my life is the high level of insecurity I feel.  I can pretend that I have everything together and all is well on the outside, mainly as a show to others that I can handle it, I'm not a sissy (although, as a girl, apparently being a sissy is ok..  but I have always been told that I had to be the stong one, the "example" to my siblings, and that is something that I carry with me to this day).  But I always have felt insecure, especially in myself.  I think it is because I don't feel like I have a solid foundation under me.  Like everything could always go to hell so fast my head would spin.  I have only felt truly safe when I have been with others.  When my Dad was home when I was young, I was safe.  When I was married, the first year, and my husband was home, this is well before I lost my feelings for him, I was safe, but got very insecure when he had to be gone alot.  In our current house, when my Bro Cole is around and especially when Mikey lived with us too, I was safe when the  guys were there.  I think this is because I felt protected, like nothing could hurt me because I had someone strong around who could keep me safe from anyone or anything that would harm me.  I truly wish I could have that kind of confidence and security in myself.  Perhaps when I own my own house and make it my HOME, I might have that foundation I need.  Or if I fall in love again, with a man who cares for me and treats me well, I could be safe in his arms.   I can only hope I am so lucky.