Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.



I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.



"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"



When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!



Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."



Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.



I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.



Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.



If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?



I see your IQ test results were negative.



Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.



When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.



If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!



I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.



How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?



I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."



If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.



The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.



I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.



If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.



Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.



"I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horsebackriding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters."



I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.



Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough



Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.



After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.



I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.



I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!



"Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."



Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.



That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius... I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."



"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."



I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."



"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"



"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"



Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?



How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.



On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.



Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.



Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?



I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.



The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.



I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport !



Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.



My wife and I were happy for twenty years...then we met.





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~Index to Poems~