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Shit, this was a fun one to write. It is, of course, a
parody of the famous correlation between the Dow Industrial Average and women's
hemlines. Higher the Dow, higher women's hemlines. As the Dow (and the
economy) drops, women become more conservative in dress and their hemlines
plunge.
Tom Vu was this very FOBish Vietnamese guy that would
run all these offensive infomercials offering to teach people to be as rich
(and presumably as offensively tasteless) as him. The secret (which I give
to you for free and not for $500) was to buy distressed properties (homes
people had to sell quickly because they were getting divorced) at low prices
and then quickly flip the sale for fair market value. Almost no one ever
makes money this way as if you go to a bank and say "I'd like to
borrow $70,000 to buy a $120,000 house so I can sell it a day later for a
50K profit" the bank is going to say "ummm no you have a shitty
credit rating and unpaid phone bills" and they'll buy the house
themselves for 70K and then flip it. The only way you can do this sort of
thing is if you actually have loads of cash on hand, which you don't
because you're a waitress and you spent your last $500 on Tom Vu's
seminars. Sorry.
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