[Rocket J. Squirrel soars into the frame and lands next to a huge sign reading BULLWINKLE'S MYTHOLOGY.]
ROCKY
And now for our latest special feature -- Bullwinkle's Mythology!
[Cut to outdoor amphitheater and stage. Bullwinkle stands behind a podium.]
Hello out there, myth-fans. And myth-ter fans as well. Here on Bullwinkle's Mythology, we will be dramatizing classics of ancient literature:
[The Moose produces large books, one at a time, from behind the podium, dropping each as he names it. They slam loudly to the floor.]
The Idiot . . . the Oddity . . . the Anaemic . . . the Argotty . . . but our first exciting production is -- The Twelve Labors of Hercules!
[Bullwinkle pulls out another book and buries his huge nose in it.]
Having consulted the Oracle of Delphi, Hercules enters the land of Tiryns to serve King You-Ris-Thee-Us.
[Boris Badenov enters from stage right, dressed in breech-cloth and sandals. He stomps up in front of the podium.]
I am stronk-est man in world.
[Bullwinkle, amazed, steps out from behind the podium and bends down to study "Hercules". Even bent double, he is taller than Badenov.]
Hmm! Seems a might puny for Hercules! Don't think he's the strongest man in this room! And he's the only man in this room! Ha! Ha! Ha!
[As if to demonstrate otherwise, Badenov seizes Bullwinkle in a headlock. He twists the Moose's head around and around; Bullwinkle grunts "Oof! Oof!" with each revolution. Then Badenov releases the Moose; Bullwinkle's head spins like a propeller. He flies out of sight, stage left, with an airplane engine noise; a loud crash is heard.]
Bah-hah-hah-hah-hah!
[Lying in a heap by the brick wall he has obviously crashed into]: I lay corrected! [He gets up and walks back toward the stage] Anyhoo, Hercules presents himself to King Eurystheus, who commands him to perform a dozen impossible tasks!
[Back on the stage. Bullwinkle approaches a throne, next to which Badenov is already standing. The Moose stops in surprise. Seated in the throne is Natasha Fatale, dressed in a toga-like garment.]
You're King Eurystheus?
King is dead, Dah-link. Long live Queen.
Hmm . . . Oh, well. As I was sayin' the King -- er, Queen instructs Hercules on his first Labor!
[softly]: Get Moose, Dah-link.
You sad it, Sweetheart.
[Cut to an outdoor scene. Bullwinkle stands in the center of the shot, still reading from his book. On his left are stables around which flies buzz loudly. On his right, and far in the distance, stands a huge hydroelectric dam.]
In the land of Pelopolo -- In the land of Penelope -- In the land of King Augeias, Hercules had to clean out the filth of centuries from the Augeian Stables! By the clever expedient of causing a mighty flood, he accomplished this task in a single day!
[Cut to Badenov pushing down the plunger of a detonator. Cut back to Bullwinkle; in the background, the dam explodes. Bullwinkle watches in horror as a tidal wave roars toward him. He starts to run, his legs forming a blurry pinwheel. The wave hits, and he is washed away.]
[Cut back to the stage. There is a sign reading HADES, and an arrow pointing at an obvious trap-door in the floor. Bullwinkle steps up to the sign, water dripping from his antlers.]
Hmmm . . . May be safer up here on the stage. [Looks in book again] Anyhoo, next Hercules had to descend into the depths of Hades and retrieve Cerberus, the Three-Headed Dog!
[Badenov enters and centers himself on the trap-door. He crosses his arms, awaiting his descent into the netherworld. Nothing happens.]
I said, Hercules had to descend into Hades!
[Badenov stomps on the trap-door with one foot. Then he leaps up and down on it. Still no luck. He wipes his brow and walks over to Bullwinkle.]
Hey, Moose! Trap-door is stuck!
Ooooh, Fudge! [He steps onto the trap-door himself and jumps up and down] I -- didn't -- think -- it'd -- be -- this -- hard -- to -- go -- to -- Heck!
[On the word "Heck!", the trap-door collapses beneath Bullwinkle. He disappears up to his neck in the darkness.]
Humph! Some gateway to Hades! Where's the three-headed dog?
[Rocky enters from stage left.]
Gosh, Bullwinkle, we couldn't find a three-headed dog! We just borrowed three of old man Carmichael's Rottweilers!
Rottweilers?
[There's a loud "GRRR" and a "SNAP" and Bullwinkle is yanked out of sight beneath the stage. White puffs of smoke, stars, Bullwinkle's head and arms, and the heads of the three dogs occasionally pop up through the trap-door. The Rottweilers' snarling and growling provide background noise for the Moose's outcries.]
Ow! -- Down, boy! -- Doof! -- Good dog! -- Ouch! -- Heel!
[Eventually, the Moose shoots up out of the pit, legs pin-wheeling, and rockets offscreen.]
[Cut to a forest. Bullwinkle looks around for danger of any kind.]
Maybe it would be better out here, after all. [Digs out book again] Now, for his next Labor, Hercules must capture the Seer -- Any -- An Stag. Where's the Stag?
[Rocky walks in from offscreen as before.]
Gosh, Bullwinkle, we couldn't find a stag, either!
[The Moose turns and bangs his head against a convenient tree.]
Why can't anything go right around here? Where are we gonna find a stag now?
Well, Bullwinkle -- you're a deer.
[Glancing uncomfortably toward audience]: Please, Rock -- not while the cameras are rollin'.
[Producing a book of his own]: No, Bullwinkle -- it says here Mooses are members of the Deer family.
[Bullwinkle takes the book from Rocky and flips through it.]
Hmmm . . . Funny I was never invited to any of the reunions . . . But never mind. [Closes the book and points dramatically upwards] The show must go on!
[Cut to: another forest scene. Bullwinkle runs along while reading out of his mythology book. Behind him trots short-legged Boris Badenov, still dressed as Hercules. As Bullwinkle drones on, sweat flies out of Badenov's head like water from a sprinkler. His expression becomes one of exhaustion.]
So, for a year and a day, Hercules chased the Ceryneian Stag, from Mycenae to Hyperborea to the River Ladon! He chased it over hill and dale, over Chip and Dale, over grassy plain and snow-capped mountain. Yet the Stag never tired and never rested! So, with his last ounce of strength, Hercules resorted to -- trickery!
[Pointing into the air]: Hey, Moose! Isn't dat Space Shuttle passink overhead?
[Bullwinkle skids to a stop and looks up.]
Space Shuttle? Where?
[Badenov clubs Bullwinkle on the head with a large shovel, resulting in a bell-like gong.]
[Cut to: yet another forest scene. Badenov is dragging Bullwinkle by one heel. The Moose is still trying to read from his book.]
And so, having completed his last Labor, Hercules returns triumphantly to Tiryns, where --
[Rocky runs in from offscreen and matches Badenov's pace.]
Hokey smoke, Bullwinkle! That was only three Labors! He hasn't even wrestled the Nemean Lion!
Bite your tongue, Rock. Anyhoo, I'm sure you couldn't find a lion, either.
Sure we did, Bullwinkle! [Turns and shouts through cupped hands] Release the lion!
[A lion's roar echoes through the forest. Bullwinkle's eyes pop open, his body jerking as if hit by an electric current. We next see Badenov, Bullwinkle, and Rocky pinwheel-running across the countryside. The pursuing lion is unseen but not unheard.]
Well, *puff-puff* that ends our first episode of Bullwinkle's Mythology. *puff* Be sure to tune in next time for another exciting dramatization of an authentic Classical text: "The Three Stooges Meet Hercules!"
Bullwinkle and all related characters are copyright © Jay Ward Productions. (Like anyone would think I came up with them.) "Bullwinkle's Mythology" is a fannish work presented for entertainment purposes only.