I cried today
When I looked in the mirror
I barely knew my own tear streaked face
I had not seen it in so long.
I no longer even reconized the shade
of green that pain caused to brighten in my eues...
It had been that long...
I looked at my self and I knew who she was
but as I reflect I had not seen her in many years...

My own pain,
the pain I express to the best of my abilities
in this public forum, in hopes of keeping it
from exploding inside of me, has kept me
sheltered and ignorant of my own soul
Nothing used to make me cry.
No action by anyone,nor word spoken by a loved one.
Something just broke in my chest,
somethinng that told me that I had lain dead
for a very long time without even knowing it...

My heart died almost 4 years ago,
and my hope died within. Life since that time has been a hollow struggle
to change my ways...
A struggle to survive, to find hope, to make a future,
to take pleasure in truth and take comfort In trust I could never find in love...
In this, I find that I have been failing myself
Yes, I have survived, I have even prospered
Changing many of my previously cruel and emotionally sadistic ways...
Replacing them with, loyalty to those
I believe in,and honesty towards the world at large

I have not hidden, but made public
My sruggles in the hopes that other people
who have spend years struggling to learn how to feel
would perhaps take heart in something that I write...

In many ways, I have succeeded...
I don't lie to people who are true to me,
I don't cheat those who have been true to me.
I don't do cruel things to good people, nor do I wrong
the innocent purely because I can...

There was a time, not long ago,
when I did all the above and more...
Truly, I'am still vengeful when I feel wronged
I expect progress, not perfection
A person who has spent a lifetime of being tortured
by ignorant family members, back stabbing friends
cheating loved ones and lying confidants
find themselves hard pressed to know when to stop

No, I don't expect perfection from myself
I don't expect nor want to become a saint that turns the other cheek
I merely want to achieve a balance in which
I speak my mind and live a life that is true to myself

For a very long time I have felt captured
I loved somebody once and I wronged him
I was given a chance to ask for his forgiveness
and to show him that I loved him many times
Before the result of my own actions would take him from me
this time forever...

This was the catylist to my change
I never want to wrong somebody that I loved again
You never know when they- and your last chance to say-
"I'am sorry" will be taken from you

I have been so blind since then
I have seen love where it was not
I have allowed myself to be abused by others who are as I was
I have turned the other cheek against my own mortality
and I ahve been struck only the harder for it
I have given trust and loyalty
To find it shattered and lain at my feet in pieces in return
I thought that these sacrifices where normal
I felt I had karma to payback for my wrongs
I took the abuse
Strong me, spirited me, I let then hit me, cheat on me,
lie to me, abandon me, I spoke out against it but would not lift
a finger to prevent it, because I felt I deserved it
I was wrong I didn't deserve it...

My own guilt has eaten my soul alive
I have found myself unable to really laugh
unable to feel love at all, unable to truly hate anyone,
although I have tried...
Lately, I've lived simply for my standard of living
I have been afraid to change because of what I stood to lose
my own comfort...
I want to be able to love again, I'am sick of being paranoid
that this person will fuck me over, that I'm doomed to live a life looking over my shoulder
I need my independence.
I need my own life, my own chances, moreover,
I NEED TO LEARN TO NEED MYSELF
I know that I'am capable
but making myself believe it will be far nore difficult,BR>

Sometimes you need to let something break inside of you,
in order to realize that it needs fixing
As strange as it sounds
I needed to make myself lose everything,
in order to rid myself of the fear of losing it...

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